Just ME

I am home alone. The weather is awful, its raining heavily outside and tomorrow looks no better. However, today I had a really cushty duty, and I finished early. I went and had some horizontal dancing and it was just superb. I went home and tne house was clean tidy and empty so I had a tissue moment and I have to say I feel very relaxed. I am cooking myself a really nice meal, I can hear the rain beating against my double glazing and I'm glad I'm indoors. I have a lovely movie to watch and beer in the fridge, sometimes, just sometimes , its nice to be alone. I have had a good day, I feel happy and sated and I'm gonna eat a delicious meal, its delicious cos I cooked it, and then I may have a shower before reading a good book in bed. I am working tomorrow and I aint best pleased about that, but today was about me, just me, la la la

WHERE TO GO

So now that christmas is over and all those momotonous adverts for sales will soon be stopping, we can look forward to loads of monotonous adverts for holidays. I dont know where im gonna go this year, I wont know until I return all the presents I dont want and then I will know how much money I can spend. Where ever I go it wont be anywhere advertised by that smug twat jamie redknapp and it wont be anywhere a pikie like wayne rooney would go to. I need a beach and a decent hotel plus damn good weather, anything else will just be a bonus. I want to spend two weeks in my mankini, sipping pina coladas watching the honeys walk by with their fit bodies wearing almost nothing. I will just be lying there like a beached walrus with my hand down my pants having naughty thoughts. I cant wait

NORMALITY

Have you ever seen one of those films where a small town in the middle on nowhere America is under attack from zombies or a plague virus and the army cordon off the town until the resolve the situation. And when its all over the town folk come out of their homes and rub their eyes as they look up at the sun. Well it was bit like that in the supermarket today. Three days ago in the very same shop it was bloody chaos with people panic buying stuff they dont need and running around seeing what other shoppers are buying. Yet today it like peace on earth, people strolling around, serene music being played overhead and even the till staff were smiling. I can believe the transformation and yet I dont understand what turned supposedly sane people into raving loonies. Everytime there is a bank holiday the country goes mad. Its as if a bad event is coming and we have to lock ourselves in our homes until its over. I could understand if this was the USA. They are all paranoid guntoting worry freaks who trust no one and who are despised by the rest of the world.they Americans are like the French only fatter. I am writing this in the hope that sanity prevails for new years eve and can I just ask all of you to get a fecking grip, its only one day and the shops are still open. Having said that, its probably best not to stand in front of me when the sales are on cos I can be as mad as the very maddest and I do love a bargain and I have no patience and hate queueing, be warned

BLOODY FORECASTERS

Im , cold, those bastard weather people got it wrong again. They said it would be mild and it damn well aint.its my fault for believing them so I shall slap myself later and drink one beer less. When im mayor all forecasters will be treated like them idiots they are and be made to wear cones on their heads. Those bastard weather people, im so cold, maybe I should shut the window. La la la

ITS BETTER TO GET THAN RECEIVE

Who ever first said that is an idiot. Christmas is almost here and I still have one or two things to buy. I have ordered my turkey and duck for the main meal and I have everything else, but lets talk about prezzies. I hate having to think about who is going to get me something and should I get them something in return. I went the pound shop and came out twenty five quid worse off. I know some people who will get prezzies from me and I know people who won't. Receiving gifts is great, but what if someone buys you a large expensive bottle of stinky stuff and you only got them a scarf, is that still equal? No is it fuck and you know next year you will buy them something better and now they know you are a tightwad they will get you socks. I like prezzies, I like them for about ten minutes then I want more. I'm greedy and i'm lazy. I cant be arsed writing lists and going from shop to shop. Thats why i'm a last minute man. I need to know who got me something then they will get in return, Shallow? Yes, and practical. My philosophy is if you get ten prezzies then you give ten prezzies. If you get nine but give ten, then next year becomes awkward because if you buy for the person who didnt get you something, they might not get you anything next year, then what do you do? It's a nightmare, but everyone likes jokey socks and a torch. Guess what i'm getting you this year. La la la . All I want is your vote for Mayor.

MANS BEST FRIEND

I'm in a coastal crew room and I dont like it here, its like the waiting room of the local looney bin. Everyone has something wrong with them and they are staring at a telly that aint even on. There are two men discussing the best way to wash a pet dog, thats right I said how to wash a pet dog. The fat one who has a beard that makes him look like he is trying to eat a ginger cat just said that he turned his bathroom into a wet room and takes his dog in with him when he has a shower, the other moron replied he puts his in the bath after he has had his to save water and then said out loud 'I leave his penis til last cos if I wash it first the dog gets sexually aroused'. Thats what he said and no one batted an eyelid. I'm trying not to be conspicuos cos they dont like London folk, and one or two of them are staring at me like i'm their favourite meal. Its very cold here and I have seen way too many ugly jumpers, they wear anything down here with no shame, I have seen better dressed refugees on telly (not this telly cos it aint on). At times like this I wish my break was shorter.

NOT ONE SMILE

I am coastal today. I was coastal yesterday too. Through no fault of mine, both days the trains were late and I didnt expect many people to be happy , but bloody hell, down here it was like everyone had left their happy good looking smiling heads at home and brought their cold weather miserable runny nose grumpy faces. Even in the cafe where I bought a sandwhich for £2.70 and put the change in the tip jar, the grumpy old skeleton didnt even say thank you. I cant wait to get back to the big city cos people with webbed fingers creep me out and there is no electricity down here. They all look related down here, its worse than watching an old chinese subtitled movie.

multi tasking man style

I got my new phone yesterday. I was out for most of the day and never got a chance to play with it. As everyone knows, one of lifes little pleasures is having a new phone and learning how to use it. We are never sure if its an apt replacement for our old phone or whether our peers will be suitably jealous that our new phone is more gooder than theirs. I dont really care. I like my new phone the problem I have is that its Sunday. I have been to the gym, and now my lovely noisy mess making grandkids are about to descend and wreak havoc on my home, they will be expecting my usual high standards of culinary expertise and on top of that there is footie on the box. I have a fridge full of beer and lots of stuff I have taped that needs watching and I could really use a tissue moment. But having heard how women are so much better at doing more than one thing at a time better than us men (yes I am sometimes manly) I fully expect to overcome all these obstacles better than a woman. I aint worked out a game plan but I have had my tissue moment and I have started on the beer so I am well on the way, I will start dinner and just see what happens. Being me, you just know its gonna be the nuts. La la la

DRESS SENSE

I went shopping today. I wasnt in the mood because I had a rough night with my bastard neighbours. Anyway, i had to go today because I just know next week it will be pandemonium in the shops. I find it strange how people buy way too much stuff, they buy things they dont need and buy stuff they wont use. one woman I was watching, bought a hand powered torch in case her proper torch had flat batteries.Christmas is a nice time of the year and we should all be happy. Happy yes, stupid no. I saw two women wearing onesies, fucking onesies, good grief has good taste disappeared. I really bloody hate seeing people wearing pyjamas in the street. I really hate seeing grown men wearing shorts. Its freezing cold and pasty skinned people are still wearing summer clothes. I saw one tidy looking woman who I admit was quite tasty freezing her nipples off at a bus stop in shorts and a halter top. she was shivering and her skin was blue. In case you didnt know I was out doing my christmas shopping and was a bit miffed that the pound shop was busy and all the best things were out of stock. I will try the 99 pence shop but I dont think I will get the things I want. anyway, im just letting you know that if you are on my list to receive a prezzie, just remember, its the thought that counts. It might be a pound shop prezzie but it will come in a nice plastic bag. if you matter, santa will bring yours soon.

CHALLENGE ? DONT THINK SO

I went to the gym today. I like training on a sunday, it helps me enjoy my delicious sunday roast and helps the wine go down nicely. After training, I queued up to book a a combat class and heard some silly woman who was with her friend on the phone, the conversation went like this, she said, "no, I'm busy that night, no I'm busy that night too, no this weekend I have a party to go to, why don't I call you during next week and let you know when I'm free?" Then she hung up and laughed and her mate laughed too. She then said to her mate, "he is really nice, has a good job, a lovely car, but men love a challenge", and then they both started giggling. I booked my class and then said to this woman, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help but hear your phone conversation, and I was wondering where you got your information from. I'm a man (when my wife lets me) and most of my male friends are men, and even some women I know are men, but I have never heard any one of them say "mmmm, I really like sex, I just wish it was harder to get". She looked a bit flabbergasted so I said, "If he is so nice, and has a nice job and a nice car and is really into you, don't you think that making him wait will push him towards some one else who likes him too? this silly woman looked angry and replied " No, I'm worth waiting for" and I pointed at her friend and said "Yeah but if your mate put out before you, he would be asking her out so you might want to re-think your strategy, cos it sounds a bit lame love," her mate blushed and said " I wouldn't do that to a friend" and I said " I bet you would" and then I walked away. I left the two of them arguing in the foyer. On a better note, my sunday dinner was deelishus and the wine was even better, you ain't me, but I know you wish you were.

WHERES MY RAIN

It took me nearly an hour to get home today. Thats right, I said nearly an hour. I usually ride my super lovely motorbike and the trip is only about 20 minutes, but like an idiot I listened to those useless, gormless weather forecasters on the BBC and yesterday they said today would be a washout. Its my fault for trusting them. The night before last they said it was going to be very cold yesterday so I wore my thermals under my bike gear and as usual the soppy donuts got it wrong. I ended up sweating like a kiddie fiddler at a childrens party. It did rain a little bit today. I was coastal this morning and it drizzled for a few minutes mid morning. People moan about footballers earning too much, and when I say people I mean me, but right now, after taking nearly an hour to get home I think those incompetent morons who give us the weather are stealing money by accepting their salaries. Dont get me wrong, I love my car, its a nice car and some mornings after a shower and a PW (ask me later) its nice to just jump in the car, turn on the heated seats and smooth my way to work. However, coming home is a different matter and I much prefer my bike, so I can rush home and have another PW (I will explain later). Much to my chagrin, the news headlines were not about the disengenuous way the weather is reported, nor was it about Spurs and Man Utd losing, all the furore was about that tosser of a dinosaur Jeremy dickhead blabbermouth Clarkson. He made a comment about shooting striking protesters. He said "Shoot striking protesters". He actually said this whilst holding a copy of his new book which comes out in time for all you Sun readers to buy for christmas. He only ever gets asked to be on telly when he has a book or a dvd coming out and he has never failed to say something stupid or offensive in order to promote sales. Maybe I should go on telly naked and shout fukkedityfukfuk to promote my books, but I hope my books will be bought by people who can read without moving their lips so maybe I won't. Anyway, I am still miffed that it took me nearly an hour to get home and I cant decide whether to give those forecasters one last chance. If I do, and they get it wrong again, I may have to tie them all up, lock them in a room, and pay someone to read out loud, all of Clarksons books over and over again. How cruel would that be. Oh and finally, a PW is ........

MOAN MOAN MOAN

At work today it seemed like every one had the hump. it seemed like no on was talking, they were all just moaning. one guy was moaning because he has to wear glasses now, another was moaning because he islate turn next week, another was moaning because he wants to work overtime when he does he gets too tired. The mamagers were moaning because lots of drivers are off track, some drivers were moaning because other drivers are off track, it was doing my bloody head in. Now its time for my moan. I really hate the new look metro paper. I know its free and only takes ten minutes to read but its now filled with more soppy adverts. They took out the daily cartoon and replaced with some rubbish about a cat and the letters page looks like its been edited by a mental patient. Also annoying me today is Prince Chinless Wonder ( william). There is a picture of him at the controls of a helicopter and he is being hailed as a hero for doing his job. Hundreds of other helicopter pilots save lives every day and they dont get a mention. Why should he? Also that fat bumbling berk Boris johnson wants people travelling on public transport to pay more for their journeys. He is so lucky that Im going out tonight or I would go round to his house and shove my travel pass up his fat freeloading backside.
Oh and another thing, a message to all you silly idiots still wearing shorts and sandells, its fecking cold outside and I dont like looking at your blue legs, I dont want to catch your nasty germs and most importantly, its fecking cols outside, so cover up, be sensible and be warm you dopes. The elections for London Mayor is looming, if you want a safer London, if you want better public transport and if you just want london to be better, vote for me. la la la diddly dee.

NOT MY DAY

I had to work today. I didn't mind as it was a bit of a short duty. But as soon as I got there I knew it was going to turn to crap. There were engineering works on nearly all the coastal routes except the on I was working. I had decided not to take sandwiches because there is a nice cafe I was going to visit. when I got there the bloody place was closed for staff training. I have been hungry all day. Its my sons 23rd birthday and it has cost me a small fortune, but hey, hopefully in a few years time I might need a kidney. It has taken me nearly an hour to get home because some dirty unwashed scruffy bastard students are holding demonstrations causing mayhem and chaos which my tax dollars are going to pay for. Anyway, when I arrived home the drive had two strange cars on it so I couldn't put my lovely motorbike to bed. I opened the front door and was assaulted by loud music and loads people I either don't know or don't like. I don't mind sharing with the great unwashed, but my sons mates all need a trip to the soap factory. I am trying to keep calm but my large supply of medicinal stella is rapidly dwindling. The fridge door has not been shut for more than a few seconds and my top of the range BBQ equipment is being abused by stoned gangsta rappers. Just for today I hope it rains so all these freeloaders will fuck off sorry I mean go away. Arse on the telly later, I hope I will have enough beer to help me through the afternoon. I am definately having no more children, I have two a boy and a girl, the boy for a kidney and the girl to pick a home to put me in when I'm old and senile. Watch this space.

READY FOR CHRISTMAS

Twice today I have been asked if I'm ready for christmas. No,no I aint, christmas is still ages away and I have plenty of time. I am not one of those sad people that buys their christmas presents in February and March and then tucks them away under the stairs for ten months. I also aint one of those daft idiots who stock up on bread, milk, butter and sugar "just in case". Last year, on the day before christmas eve, I was in Tesco and the family in front of me at the counter had seven loaves of bread and four, four pints of milk, and I heard the man ask his wife if she thought it was enough. Good grief people, we are in 2011, most of the shops don't close anymore. Last week I told you how I was going to the pound shop to buy presents for my friends. Well luckily I didn't because up the road a new shop has opened and its called " The 99p store" so already I'm better off. And on top of that someone I was getting a prezzie for has pissed me off so he aint getting feck all from me so I'm not gonna be stuck trying to find another friend to off load a pair of jokey socks on.
Also, contrary to popular belief, I do like christmas, its another excuse to over eat and over drink. Its the the bloody adverts that irritate me. The telly is always showing us the must have toys and the must have accessories. I think its brain washing and propaganda gone wrong. On the one hand we should buy our children all these lovely computer type toys that are way too expensive but you will look like a council estate pauper if your kids don't have them, but on the back of the box its says "coming soon, a new and improved version" so the damn thing is obsolete before its been opened. Then if thats not enough, some bearded cardigan sandal wearing treehugger moans that the packaging is destroying the Earth.
A recent survey has stated that most of our under tens are obese because they spend too much time in front of the telly playing computer games and not getting enough excercise. How can our kids get excercise when the treehugger I mentioned claims its too dangerous to play conkers. I say instead of selling a kidney to pay for expensive soon to be out of date electronic gadgets, if you have young son buy him a bike and a football, if you have a young daghter buy her a bike and a skipping rope and send them out to play. It keeps them healthy and while they are out side the parents can have some peace and quiet (or sneaky hanky panky).
Having said that, the survey that said our young kids are obese and in serious danger of dieing in their twenties is missing the point. If all these little fat fuckers die young it will help solve the current pensions crisis. London Mayor??? vote for me.

POSTAL (dis) SERVICE

In the papers recently, Royal Mail announced that almost 80,000 people had applied for the 18,000 temporary christmas jobs this year. I was off yesterday, and I was enjoying a nice relaxing day. I heard my letter box flap so I went to get my post. Delivered through my door was a card saying that there was no postal service today but I had mail waiting for me at the sorting office. I was a bit confused but I got dressed and went to the sorting office to pick up my mail. At the sorting office there were a few people waiting outside and it turned out that the damned place was closed for lunch. Luckily I "only" had to wait 15 minutes for it to re open. When it was my turn to be served, I found myself talking to a large unhelpful asian version of Lenny Henny. He was big and fat and dressed like he should be funny but wasnt funny. I asked him why the sorting office was closed for lunch as some people can only collect their mail at lunchtimes because they are at work. He replied "Shortage of staff".I told him that Royal Mail had just had a massive load of applicants for jobs and he just sniffed and said "We aint had none here mate". I handed him the card and waited for him to get my mail. He came back quickly with one measly envelope and handed it to me. I looked at the envelope then I looked at him then I looked at him again then I said " Are you fecking shitting me,? you put a card through my door and make me come all this way for one lousy envelope" He just shrugged and said " Told ya, were are short handed" I was just about to explain the absurdity when another worker turned up and butted in. This bald version of Vanessa Feltz told me he was the depot supervisor and could answer all my questions, so I asked him where the logic was in sending a postman out to deliver a card telliong me to come and get my mail, why not just give him my mail to deliver,after all its called "The Postal Service" not "The Come And Get It Yourself Service". He also said they were short of man power. I reminded him of the 80,000 people Royal Mail had at their disposal and he got cocky and said they need to be trained first, it takes brains to be a postman. I looked him in the eye and said " if your so brainy, why are you wearing odd socks?. This "brainy" surpervisor only lifted his trousers to check. "I aint wearing odd socks" he blurted. I said " I know you berk but you still looked" He then got lippy and said "If you are so clever how would you do things?" I said " I would change three things, first I wouldnt send a fecking postman out delivering bloody cards when he should be delivering letters, secondly, I wouldnt shut for lunch as some people can only get here in their lunch hours, and thirdly and most importantly and the thing to make the most improvement, I would replace your dopey arse with a slab of cheese you knob head ( very articulate I thought). Well this idiot exploded and shouted, "Dont call me a slab of cheese" I replied " I didnt you div, I said I would replace you with a slab of cheese, it would probly do a better job" We stared at each other for a few seconds the I leant towards him and said "Im going now and when I turn around dont stare at my arse" he went mad and said " Im not gay im not gay" when I got to the door, without turning around I said "I told you not to stare at my arse" he yelled " I didnt" I yelled back "Yes you bloody did" and walked out. I was way up the road when he appeared at the door where there was a load of people waiting to go in and he shouted " I was not staring at your arse" and all those people laughed at him. I felt very superior. I probably wont get any post til after christmas now, but look on the bright side, no post means no bills and no bills means more money to spend on beer. La la la.
In todays paper is a sad story about a fat despucable woman who stole a bronze war memorial plaque and tried to sell it a scrap dealer. Unfortunately this dealer was honest and didnt buy it so this pig of a woman claims to have sold it to a stranger for £15. This obese despicable vile person claims to be an alcoholic and needed a drink. What a lousy excuse for being a rotten scunbag. She is due to be sentenced next week, lets hope she gets some serious jail time or failing that, a fatal dose of alchohol poisoning ( which reminds me, I have beer in the fridge). This woman is a vile abomination and if you know her you have a poor taste in friends. Vote for me as London Mayor and I will sort these low lifes out properly. Vote for me, do it now.

My Money, My Mouth, My Choice

There is another boring survey in today's paper saying cheap booze is leading to a rise in alcoholism, a rise in teenage crime and a rise in alcohol related hospital admissions. So fecking what, if these wallies get too pissed and fall off scaffolding or steal a car and crash and hurt themselves so fecking what. The price of alcohol is not the reason for this. The reason is purely that some people are too fecking stupid to drink. Why should people who can handle their drink be punished because of the silly muppets with low brain cell counts who can't. Its my money and its my mouth so its my choice how much alcohol I will shove in me. I get well and truly fecking mad when I read about some parent in the paper crying because their dumb as dogshit son has wrapped a stolen car around a tree (be grateful it wasn't an innocent bystander)and then claim it was because he had access to cheap booze. I have been drinking for years but I have never stolen a car (I have but not whilst drunk)I have also climbed scaffolding and trees and done all sorts of silly things but I normally do these sober and if and when I hurt myself, I just larf and say it was my own fault. If people want to get arsey about stuff why don't we treble the cost of take-away food so that those fat lazy types who are too lazy to cook will lose weight because they can't afford chips n curry sauce. And why don't we sell only Rolls Royces so that there will be less car accidents on the roads and while we are at it why don't we sterilise all the ginger haired kids so they can't have offspring. Cheap booze is not the reason people get hurt. Lets not blame alcohol for other peoples stupidity. Like I said its my money so I will spend it on cheap booze which tastes the same as expensive booze and I will take the rap for any harm I do to myself. So can all you bleeding heart sandal wearing tree hugging lentil munching do-gooders feck off back to your solar powered rubber rooms and leaves us happy drunks alone. La la la.

THIS WEEK

This has been a right bastard week. I paid some guy to do some work to build me a second garage and the fecking tosser fell off the roof so now I have a large hole next to my house. I was walking down the street yesterday and I saw a humongous fat lady, (I think it was a lady), I moved to one side to avoid her and she moved the same way so I moved back and the fat freak moved back too, as we got closer I moved over again and the fecking hippo moved too. We almost collided. the fat beast said to me "how much bloody pavement do you want you wanker" I replied "if I could get enough to get two people your size on it I would sell it to gatwick airport for their extra runway you ugly rhino. She wasn't happy but was too fat to chase me. I stood behind some fecking loser at the cash point and three times, how many times? three times his card said INSUFFICIENT FUNDS but the fecker still kept trying. Miserable Ken at the gym was moaning about his tooth ache. I told him to go to the dentist cos his grille needs repainting, all his fangs are different colours. He moaned that his dentist had no parking and he couldnt be arsed to take the bus. He gets it FREE and he couldn't be arsed. Just so you know, my teeth are lovely. Im not keen on Ashton Kutcher taking over from Charlie Sheen on the Two and a Half Men program, its okay but it aint the same. I am doing a challenge at the gym where you have 50 days to do 25 wide grip pull ups, I'm up to 16 and I have 40 days left. The prize is one free month and a bottle of wine, and its not rubbish wine, its from Lidls. Anyway have to go now I played golf today and I was fecking useless. I spent so much time in the bushes the police came cos they thought I was a sex pest, (I am but not today). I have to cook my dinner and your all welcome, I'm having roast potatoes, chips and mash. la la la

COUNCIL PEOPLE IRRITATE ME

I am not a snob. I own a decent house and I have a decent job. What pisses me off is those whinging wankers who live in council flats and moan about things they aint got. I was in the gym this morning and this fat guy who goes there was moaning about his weight and his eqyually fat unattractive wife. This guy who I shall call Ken, (cos thats his real name)was moaning the council have put the price of his garage rent up to £12 a week. I asked him what car he had, and likea stupid moron grinned and said Vauxhall Omega. Now this fat waste of skin doesnt work and only drives his car in the rain cos he dont like getting wet. He has two daughters and three grandkids and says the car is the only way they can all travel together cos bus seats are too narrow. He boasted that he lied to his doctor so that he could get his gym membership at a discount on medical grounds. this fecking whale has been going to the gym for over a year and has not lost a pound in weight. He walks on the treadmill at a granny pace for thirty minutes then on the way home buys six cans of Stella ( ahhh stella) for a fiver, every day. He moaned that the price of oven chips has risen twice this year. Who the fecking hell eats oven chips?. He admits him and Mrs Fatwhale smoke about 40 fags a day, it used to be more but they cant afford more. Makes me want to weep for the fecking redneck bastards. Imagine a bald Robbie Coltrane with a moustache and that is what this pig looks like.
Then my other reason for disliking council rednecks are my neighbours a few doors away. I own my house, I like my house its a nice house and its mine, but..... just yards away is afecking family of bastards that make too much noise, they only go in or out in the early hours of the morning and they are always fighting. Not one week goes by with them breaking a window or ripping down their garden fence. Last week, Mr Noisybollox smashed his fence down cos his partner shut him during a row. Its a shame its illegal to shoot people cos trust me, I would spend all my fecking money on bullets and shovels, ( well you cant leave em lying there dead so I would be decent and bury them). The thing is, every week a council contractor has to come and put right the damage these lowlifes cause and it irritates me. I beg all of you, vote me in as London mayor, and I will eradicate the problem of scummy council dwellers. la la la

YOU BEING ME

How do you feel today? I bet you dont feel as great as me. I went to the gym on saturday and had a massive workout, I went to the gym on sunday and had a massive workout, I had a spin class last nite and I put in a tremendous effort and felt awesome afterwards. This morning I went to the gym again and several people commented on my high level of fitness and my workout rate. They envied me. Just like you are doing right now. I know one or two of you are kidding yourselves that you dont, but I know that you do. Right now I feel so healthy and alive and happy I just feel sorry for the rest of you.

D. LIST NOBODIES

My mate has just called me. Well he aint my mate anymore cos I told him to feck off. The silly arse rang me to see if I knew who had been kicked out of the Big Brother house. No. NO I DONT. And whats more I dont bloodywell care. I dont watch it, I never have and I never will. The people who go on that programme aint celebrities, they are, almost well known losers who dont have real lives to lead. The current crop contains a pooper with whose husband cant control her, a loser pickey who is famous for getting bashed up, two ugly twins with hair that should be cut off from the throat up and a fat bloke who has fake boobs and stomach. I pride myself on having better tatse in my TV choice. These people dont interest me one iota. I told my ex mate that after I called him a word that rhymes with front. I cant believe he would watch such drivel and I am flabbergasted that he thought I would waste my time watching it. Listen up people, these types of shows are crap, its cheap entertainment that doesnt entertain and all the while brain dead jeremy kyle type people watch them then the more occasions we will find them on telly and in our newspapers. Its time we all said NO. Vote for me, vote for me. I will save you.

BLOODY HERO

I gave blood today. After a full days work and a quick gym session, I went and donated blood.I didn't do it for the free car sticker which they didn't give me, I didn't do it for a free coaster which they were out of, and I didn't do it for the free cup of tea and a biscuit which was cheap tea and a bland biscuit. I did it cos it made me feel good. Yes, I was a bit woozy and felt faint watching my blood pour into the plastic bag beside the uncomfortable bed I was lying on, and I'm sure they took more than they needed, but now that I'm home and rested and I have a lovely bruise to show off, I feel that I have done a good deed today, which means I can be a complete bastard tomorrow, la la la

low score high esteem

I played golf today and I scored my lowest round ever. Let me say that again, my lowest score ever. I enjoy my golf and when I woke up this morning the weather looked grim. Those bloody dumb divs on the telly got it wrong again, they never mentioned rain and I was looking forward to an early tee off, but the weather was just too bad to play. I always like to have a plan B, so I got the tissue out and watched a movie, however I was more eager than I thought and so six minutes later it was still raining so I watched a different movie and luckily I wasn't as quick, anyway I stared out the window and waited. Anyway long story short the weather changed, I was super chilled and hit some of the sweetest golf shots ever. So my theory is always buy good quality tissue, and always have a good movie under the bed.

MISERABLE FLOWERS

I have just come back from the cemetary. I have never seen so many miserable people. It was like being at a West Ham match. There were women crying, there were men crying, there were men trying stop themselves from crying, and children who didnt want to be there. Even though the sun was shining and even though everyone here was obviously not at work today, the mood was decidedly downbeat. And to make matters worse, the choice of flowers was abysmal. The flower seller spent more money on her fake tan than she did on the flowers she was trying to off load. I dont normally buy flowers, ( cos the petrol station near me stopped selling them). But surely, if you are going to charge a bunch of grieving misery guts £11 for a handful of flowers, shouldnt they have more life in them then the people in the boxes we have come to visit?. She tried to say she was too busy to go to her usual supplier, luckily, there was some flowers lying on the ground not far away so I used those, the card attached was no good to me so I threw it away. And what about the snack wagon?, he didnt sell alcohol and the sandwiches are ex British Rail ones, the were so stiff I giving them to my grandkids to use as frisbees. Anyway, my duty has been done,I managed to get my car out the of the car park without running over anyone and its back to my brothers to drink his beer for a change.

NOISY PASSENGERS

I had to travel by train from Brighton to London this morning. At first it was ok the train was fairly empty and the noise levels were acceptable. I Was travelling with MCL and it looked like we were going to be having a decent chat on the way, but just minutes before departure about three hundred student tourists got on and suddenly my stree level rose dramatically. They were noisy badly dressed impolite and just down right ignorant pigs. They all had rucksacks and bottle of drinks and were eating take out food. It was the journey from hell and no one was in charge of them. I really was close to losing it a few times, but being the super passive person I am I managed to keep my temper under control. I just wish students who all claim to be poor would walk everywhere and leave us decent working people to travel in peace

Holidays

Its that time of year when i'm getting ready to go on my annual leave. I will try not to make the same mistake I made last year. As I was going through customs the jobsworth security guard whose hat was way too big asked me if I had packed my own suitcase so for a laugh I said no my mate Achmed packed for me then he asked me if the suitcase was in my sight at all times and I said no on the drive over to the airport the case was in the boot of the car and I couldn't see it. I can't remember how many times the man with the rubber gloves had his finger up my arse but it soon stopped being funny and I nearly missed the plane and I had to stand most of the way cos I had trouble sitting down. Anyway Last year was a good holiday even though they lost my luggage. This year I will try funnier jokes and hope they haven't heard them before

WHINGING WHINEY WASTERS

Two things are irritating me today. Firstly, too many people are moaning about the harsh sentences passed down on the people captured rioting, looting, thieving and causing mayhem. Well thats just too bad. If you cant do the time dont do the crime. I bet if some of these bleeding heart liberals were on the receiving end of the chaos they wouldnt be crying its un fair. Im glad that the punisment is tough. Regardless of who got shot, smashing up innocent shops and going on the rampage is just wrong. They all knew the risks so now eat the prison soap. I was angry and bored but I didnt go silly,I just stayed in and had some beer and tissue time. The second thing that is making my shit hang sideways is, in a previous blog I told you about some fat lazy slob of an ex cop, who spent his early retirement wedged in his armchair shovelling junk food down his throat until he couldnt move any more and was close to death. He demanded a gastric bypass band on the NHS to save him from dying of fattyness. Well at the time he was denied and told to lead a healthier lifestyle, but today, some 98 year old judge has decided that the fat dumptruck is too obese to excercise and has granted him the surgery. And how do you think this human skip celebrated his good fortune? the ferking idiot went and had a slap up meal. Well I hope they put the band tightly around his neck so that he can only eat one bean at a time. Better still, just like in the cartoons, stick a chocolate cake on a stick around his head and let him chase it. Or tell him that at the next riots he can have as many bands as he can loot provided he can keep up with the other looters running away with their stolen goods. He is a whinginging whiney waster.

ME AND SPIDERS

I dont like spiders. Im not scared of spiders I just dont like them. Every film I see about spiders makes me not like them even more. I am quite happy to stand on and kill any spider in my way. I am quite sure that if a spider was bigger than me it would do the same to me. In the films i watch, whenever a spider has the upper hand it tries to kill humans. And before you start making jokes about my size, yes, my previous job was to stand on top of wedding cakes. Any way, today I saw this bloody big spider and it was between me and the door so I could not get to my shotgun, so thinking quickly ( as all men do in times of trouble) I reached for my hoover. Now let me tell you about my hoover. In the early hours of the morning on a rest day I had just had a tissue moment and was having a beer watching QVC. Its quite possibly the most boring but addictive of the shopping channels and I was just in the process of ordering some scented tissues and laver gloves when they advertised this hoover. This hoover they said is the daddy of all hoovers. When using it, tie yourself to a table or chair cos this bastard can suck. Well I was a bit pissed but he said something like that. Anyway I bought this super dooper, sucking machine that came with a free, yes free, handy vac for the car, and also for an extra tenner a carpet washer as well. I couldnt pass that up so I looked at the clock it was half past three in the morning, so I dragged the enemy out of bed and made her order one. 7 to 10 days later it arrived. It looked the bollox, came with too muck packaging and the instructions were in Russian. Who cares, lets fire this baby up, I said to myself. Four days later after I had worked out how to use it I was bitterly disappointed. It was louder than Concorde and the cable was shorter than me. And to make things worse it was one with no bag, so the dirt was held in a plastic see thru chamber. So after every use I could see how dirty my house was. Any way when it was full I tried to empty it. A week later I figured out how to do that and now I have to empty it daily cos I dont like seeing the dirt in the chamber. People ask me why I keep buying T shirts, its because every fecking time I empty this bastard hoover im covered in dust. Any way back to this monstrous spider. I saw it and I hoovered it up. Job done. Oh no, no no. I was feeling pleased with myself and considering some tissue time when out the corner of my eye, something in the hoover moved. It was like a mini landslide as this fecking big spider climbed its way to the top and stared at me. I called the police but they hung up. I cant empty it cos it might end up jumping on me. Im not scared I just dont like spiders. Anyway I looked in the catalogue and a new hoover is in the post. My current is in the garden, I bought some lighter fluid, dug a hole and burnt it, with the arachnid still in it. Hard???? you bet I am.

RIOTS

Firstly, I dont intend to be polite. John Beauchamp, some of the things you said are fucking outragious and you deserve to be beaten senseless. Opinions are one thing but what you said just makes you a cunt. The silly fuckers doing the damage are just making it harder for the decent majority to get along with their lives. I have no doubt that 90% of the cockroaches arrested dont have jobs. Dont blame these fucking riots on some bloke getting shot cos we all know its got fuckall to do with that. Its just a bunch of thieving parasites who want any excuse to cause mayhem. as soon as one of them gets a slap from the old bill they will go running off to a solicitor the cowardly bastards. If it was about a man getting shot why are you raiding the shops.Go and protest outside a police station or is that too much common sense?. These riots are going to push up all our rates and insurances and make this great country a laughing stock, I actually dont know why I am writing this cos I doubt any of those thick wankers can read. I hope those responsible get caught and receive lenghty sentences. Apologies for the languge but sometimes its all they understand. Oh and by the way john beauchamp, just because you deleted what you said its too late, lots of people have read it and now think you are a tasteless crass disgusting moronic person.

NEW HOUSE DAY

My daughter moves in to her new house today. Guess who is footing the bill? A van was needed, guess who footed the bill? Heavy furniture was needed to be lifted and shifted, guess who ended up doing that? A skip was needed, guess who paid for that?. The garden nees tidying up and guess who they think is coming round tomorrow to do that? Well they can sod off. I have done enough running around and I have just hard a hard week.  Did I get a thank you?, oh sure I got the usual "love you daddy" crap and the obligatory hug but where was the six pack of beer I was hoping for?. I want to play golf tomorrow with Mad Cat Lady and it is not supposed to rain which means it will. MCL has been tucked up with lates all next week, ha ha  ( I mean oh dear thats a shame). The Champoinship (yawn) starts today so that means the real football is close and about time because its been a miserable couple of months without it. I just bought a jumbo pack of toilet roll and by mistake I got the scented kind. It smells nice but it causes chafing in sensitive areas (if you know what I mean). Anyway im home now and I have beer in the fridge so I am just going to have a quick shower, order a pizza and watch a movie (no not that kind, well maybe later I will) and enjoy my beer which I treated myself to and let  my body recover from a gruelling day.

CHICKEN OR FISH

I am not a big fan of Mcdonalds. Whenever I have  McDonalds I always get the McShits. Anyway this morning at about 10ish I was in there treating my grandchildren to a breakfast so that their mother could get her hair done. We were fourth in the queue and I asked them what they wanted and they both wanted the breakfast with pancakes and fruit juice. I was having a bagel and coffee. The queue moved fairly rapidly and the guy in front of us, when it was his turn took a while to read the menu on the wall then asked for a Big Mac meal and a Fillet of Fish  meal and two orange juices. The woman seving told him it was only breakfasts until 1030. This idiot then said "Oh sorry, can I just have the Fillet of Fish meal then? " The woman serving again told him it was only breakfasts for another half hour or so and the dopey bastard said to her " Fish is a breakfast" The woman replied "yes sir it is, if you are having kippers" The dopey bastard asked what sort of fish McDonalds used and the woman said "It looks like a fish, smells like a fish but doesn't taste like a fish which is why we cover them in batter, now, do you want a breakfast or can I serve the people behind you?. This man turned around and looked at my granddaughter and said to her " Its only breakfasts so don't ask for a meal" My grandaughter, who is eight calmly replied, "If I wanted a meal I would come here after 1030, I want pancakes so we are here for the breakfasts, are you having trouble understanding that? " the dopey bastard called her a cheeky monkey so I stood right up close and put on my angriest face and said "Listen you thick stupid moron, if she is a monkey then obviously you are more stupid than a primate, why don't you fark off and come back when you can read or tell the time" The dopey bastard asked the woman serving to call the manager and dhe said  "No, you are obviously to stupid to be outside on your own why don't you just leave and go back to whatever mental home you have escaped from, i'm fed up of dumb people who come in too early and want what's not on the menu" He turned to me and asked " Did you hear the way she spoke to me?" I replied "No now fark off cos i'm hungry" The stupid div threw some napkins in the air and left. We then had a fairly decent breakfast, the kids were happy and I was glad to get home and recycle the food I had just eaten . There should be a law banning morons from shopping and when I become London mayor I will add it to my list of things that will make life better. la la la diddly dee

BAD NEWS GOOD NEWS

The front page of todays Metro had the headline Amy Died Happy, and the next line her dad was quoted as saying she died with a smile doing what she liked to do. Are you farking kidding? Who the fecking hell dies happy?. Dont get me wrong, I dont give a toss one way or the other about some skanky skinny mouthy tattooed tramp with too much mouth and attitude. I really dont think she was "one of the greatest talents of our time", as one reporter has said. She could sing a bit but I dont think she was pretty and I dont think she was gonna get much better than she already has, ie, she made a good few quid and wanted to spend it on drugs. Good for her but I hate when celebrities get pissed or stoned and say its not their fault. Well whose fault is it then? . The family will be ok after this, all they have to do is go down the route the Presley family took and live off her name for the rest of their lives. The Daily Mirror didan eight page spread as a tribute to Wino ( very apt name) and in this tribute there were thirty photos and twenty eight showed her either drunk, stoned, falling over or already on the floor and none of the photos made her look good. With make up on she was ugly, without make up she was hideous ( and I dont believe she had hidden beauty. Yes its a shame and all that blah blah blah that she was only 27 but she threw the dice and crapped out. Thats the bad news ( I mean the headline that she died happy, I think that was a terrible thing to say from a parent) but the good news is, some fat ex copper who tried to sue the NHS for free gastric bypass surgery, lost his case. Good. Let me say that again, good. The fat lump left the force because he was too fat and unfit to chase criminals and has just spunked his retirement money sitting in his armchair shovelling crisps and fizzy drinks into his mouth, and now that he cant get a hard and sweats when he changes the tv channel, he wants a freebie. Fack him, give the slob nothing. Tell him to stop smoking and eating junk food and go buy a dog and walk the mutt until he loses the seven stone thats between him and his gonads. If he had won the case I would have jumped on the bandwagon and sued the NHS to remove the taste buds that make me like alcohol and kebabs because im too round for my height. Yes this is a rant but if I was london mayor , it would be a manifesto ( look it up you div). la la la . Any way thanks for asking yes im very well thank you very much, im off to the moon. 

SPARE CHANGE

I was standing at McDonalds in Victoria station waiting to be served and sitting on the floor looking pathetic and unwashed and reaking of homelessness was a tramp type man. He asked me if I had any spare change. I waved a twenty pound note at him and said no. He then said " I can hear jingling in your pocket" so I told him was my keys. He asked if I had any spare keys so I said "Why? Have you got a home to use them on?" He didnt like that and said " I used to be like you" and I replied "What , you used to be black?" and he said no, he used to have a job. I asked him what happened andhe said he didnt like being told what to do and when to do it so he gave up working and is living life on his terms. I looked at the black dirty crusty toes poking out from the one sock he had on and asked how it was working out and I dont speak geordie very well but I think he said " fark oof youse karnt". Anyway my food arrived and I paid and put my change in my pocket. He then said " I aint eaten in three days" I replied " I wish I had your will power" And I walked away. I was just wondering, what is spare is change?. I have money, but I dont have " Spare" money. I have two cars but I dont call my second car "the spare one".  I keep all my money together in a bank and use daily what I need, What I dont spend today goes towards what I intend to spend tomorrow. So in case any homeless trampy types are reading this, NO, I dont have spare change. And if ever I do find myself holding more cash than I really need, it will go towards my drinking in the pub on a rainy day fund.  

WHY MAKE PLANS

Why make plans ? Whenever I make plans things go wrong. I booked today off because I had things to do. All the things I had to do did not involve my kids. I say my kids but they are both grown ups and should be able to do things for themselves but like most kids in this day and age, why do things on your own when you have sucker parents. I understand the need to have kids. One day you might need a kidney or when you are old and senile you need someone to pick a rest home to put you in. Its best to have kids so that you have someone to leave your house to so that the government doesnt get it, but after raising them for eighteen years or so and wasting hundreds of thousands of pounds on them, surely if and when they leave home you should be able to spend your own time as naked and as free as you wish. I wanted to do bike related stuff today but now I have been roped into house hunting. I wouldnt mind but when you find the right house you aint allowed to shoot it. I need a new battery for my bike and I wanted to go to the museum as well but my plans have to be changed. I will no longer make any plans I will just sneak off and do what I want  and turn my phone off so I cant be found or hacked into. I love my kids and im very proud of them but just when you think you are free they go and have grandchildren and the money worries start all over again. And on top of that, the free babysitting service is expected. I cant wait to be old and senile and dribbly and incontinent and totally reliant on a family member to change my nappy, they did it to me, I hope to do it to them.

PHONE HACKING

What I don't understand is all the screaming and shouting and the cries of indignation that is going around. Phones are being hacked all the time. The News Of The World was a sleazy paper, The Sun, The Star, and The Sport are sleazy papers. Its what they do. Anyone with half a brain wouldn't buy these papers, but then again, the people who do probably watch Eastenders and think its real. I'm surprised silly bollox, Sorry I mean golden balls hasn't complained that his phone was tapped up whilst Skinny Becks was carrying the lump now known as Harper. Harper, what a stupid name. that is but then again thats what those two do. Their whole life is a publicity stunt and i'm already bored knowing the moron papers will be showing pictures of her everyday and what she will be wearing therefore creating a new breed of mini monster wannabes. All the rich and famous people who have been hacked are consulting lawyers, what about the not rich and famous people? Who will fight their corner? It does not matter which party is in the government, phone hacking has been going on for many years and is still going on today. If people want to hack phones I wish they would pick interesting people like Charlie Sheens drug dealer, or Wayne Rooneys pimp. The thing with the media is, when they get a story they beat it death. Im bored and I wish something else would happen because right now the news is as dull as a dinner date with a vegitarian. To save you hacking my phone let me tell you what i'm doing today. I have had a shower, I have hoovered up, I'm going to the gym and when I get back I will mow my lawn. I might have some tissue time and then i'm going to have a few beers. I'm off tomorrow, I have some bike related stuff to do and then some more beers. If you hire a private detective to follow me, tell him to look in the gym first if I aint there try the pub, if I aint there try the off licence, if I aint there then i'm slumped drunk on my sofa. la la la diddly dee. I love me.

GUILT TRIP

A lady friend of mine has just rang me and told me that her husband is cheating on her. I asked her if she was sure and she said yes.  She thinks its a woman where he works. He started washing and shaving more, he started worrying about his weight, he bought decent aftershave and his mobile is now always off when he is at home. I asked her if she had told him that she knows and she said yes, she said she had even given him large love bites so that this other woman would see them but the husband doesnt care. I asked if she had tried following him and she said she tried that but she is no good at it and he keeps spotting her. I asked if her if she still had her wedding dress and does it still fit she said yes. I advised her to keep following him as often as possible but dont try to hide and when you follow him, wear the wedding dress. In fact I said, wear the dress and in the morning forget to make his sandwiches and take them to his place of work and wear the wedding dress. If that dont work, wait till he is asleep and superglue his hand to his cock. She asked if that would work, I told her it happened to me once and I have never cheated again.

JOBSWORTHS

I needed a new fridge. I went Comets to have a look around but as sonn as I stepped through the door a spotty faced guy in a shirt that was way to big asked me if I needed help. I thanked him and said no. I wlaked towards the fridge section and he followed me. I have been told that I have a cute bum but this guy followed me all the way around the shop. I deliberately went past the fridges twice trying to lose him but he stayed right behind me. Eventually I started looking at the fridges and I opened the doors and slid out the trays and I ummed and I ahhed and I looked very interested. I gave particular attention to a nice fridge and then spotty made his move. "Do you like this one?" he asked "Yes " I replied, " Does it come in green?" he looked at me like I had just asked for a blow job and said  "Dont be silly, what fridge comes in green? " I told him I had seen a green one in Currys but it was a lot dearer. he looked me for a while then walked away. Moments later he came back with a woman who was obviously the manager and looked like she put her make up on whilst having a sneezing fit.  She approached me and said "I have checked currys website and they dont do this model in green , sir" I looked at her and then said "What other colours does it come in?" she didnt know and went to check. While she was gone I left the shop. I went to a shop that sells fridges and oicked one I liked and its being delivered today.
So i borrowed my neighbours van and took my old fridge down to the recycling centre. The bloke in charge came over and asked for proof of residency so I showed him and he asked what I was throwing away. I told him it was a fridge and his face turned purple. "You cant bring fridges here" he yelled. I looked over his shoulder and pointed to a stack of fridges in his yard. "Whats that then?" I said. He said "Those are fridges but YOU cant bring them in, they have gasses in them and have to be disposed of properly" I asked  "How do you do that? He gave me a card with a number on and said "Ring that number" I asked "What happens then?" he said "We come and get it" So I rang the number and I shit you not, the phone in his hut rang. He went and answered it, I said "Hello can you come and get my old fridge please?" he said "Certainly sir, where are you?" I said "Im outside in the van" He hung up.
He came back and said it was company policy to collect fridges and he cant accept mine. After a brief few harsh words I gave him a fiver and I drove the van 100 yards back down the road. Several minutes later he turned up in his van and took my fridge. Many years ago I  applied for a council job, but I failed because of my head. Its got a brain in it. 

Harry Gonner

The final Harry Potter film comes out this week. That's it, it's over, what will we do? How will we cope? Phone lines will be set up for those unable to continue life without Harry in their lives. Special Muggle shelters will be constructed to house the influx of distraught runaways, forced to flee the sanctity of their homes because their parents just don't get it. No doubt there'll be a section of next year's Children in Need dedicated to helping these hysterical unfortunates get the support they need. For just one pound a month you can help kids everywhere overcome the loss that has ruined their lives since they said their last goodbye to Harry, Ron and Hermione. But don't worry, J K Rowling will probably write another one at some point. In the meantime here's some advice. Go read something else.

OOPS, MY BAD

MAD CAT LADY did not like my last blog, she said it was very sexist and inappropriate, she went on to say moan moan moan, nag nag nag, blah blah blah. I said I was sorry and to prove I wasnt sexist I patted her on the bum and gave some money to go and have her nails done and to buy a new hand bag. Im not sexist, some of my best clothes have been washed by women. All my calenders have women on them and I never swear at bad woman drivers, I just say tut tut tut and shake my head. If it wasnt for women we wouldnt be here. Did you know it used to be legal to beat your wife as long as the stick was not wider than your thumb?( yes I know im in trouble again but im using the female side of my brain) .

GENDER EQUALITY

there is an old saying, "A womans work is never done" Well I have a new one, " A womans work is never done which is why you dont earn as much as men". Woman are always moaning about men and our faults but if you think about it, women get more than they deserve. If a man breaks down in his car and calls the AA or RAC, he gets told there is a wait of up to 2 hours, if awoman rings up she gets told half an hour ( I wonder how long a gay man has to wait). Women moan men dont act chivalrous but when you hold open a door for them they say they can do it themselves. Well here are some other things you can do yourselves, get a spider out the bath, go and investigate that noise downstairs at 2am, tell yourself you look nice in that ridiculous skirt, wash your own car, walk yourself home late at night. I could go on but if I ever want sex again its best I dont.

WIMBLEGONE

Its over, thank God for that. I hate tennis, I hate the fact that it dominates our media for far too long only to be told what we already know, the Brits are not good enough. The best hope we had was Murray and he aint pretty enough to be the champion. Still its over for another year and the good news is that the football is almost back. Its been a poor weekend for British sport, the tennis we knew we would get nothing but David Haye was absolutely disastrous, not only did he get embarrassed in the ring he made himself look completely stupid in the buildup. I played golf yesterday, the weather was gorgeous, my game was ugly but the weather was nice. I didnt feel well afterwards so I went home to relax but I was quite rough. I decided to go for a short walk hoping it would help, so I filled a bottle with juice and headed for the park. On the way I saw a lovely bunch of flowers and I thought they would make a lovely gift, so I untied them from the lamp post and gave them to my sister. When I got back I didnt feel much better and my mood was further dampened because there was no beer in the fridge, which was handy because if I had drunk them I would have felt much worse. I had an early night and this morning although slightly better I went to the gym to have a good sweat but the sight of all those fit healthy people depressed me so I came home. I am now having a dee lish egg and bacon sandwich with orange juice in my garden reading a good book. la la , everyones gone to the moon.

HALCYON DAYS

When I was a young lad growing up, I had hair, but thats not what I want to tell you. I also used play in the adventure playground with my friends (yes I had some). I used to go up the rope ladders, I used to pretend I was Tarzan on the rope swings, I used to build camps and make camp fires. My friends and I would go on long cycle rides and be gone all day, my brother and I with our friends would play football in the park for hours and none of us would see our parents all day. I used to ride the bus to school and go scrumping for apples and pears. There were times when I fell over or fell off things, I can't remember how many cuts and bruises I have had growing but it was farking hundreds and yes some of them bloody hurt. It has been known for one of my parents to give me a clump for ripping an article of clothing because of my escapades, but here I am, many years later, older, fatter, balder and none the cleverer, but still alive and healthy. I am only telling you this because I have just read in the paper about a father who has just received £7000, because his 14 year old son got a black eye from a tennis ball in a school playground. 7 grand??? WTF is the world coming to. I would have told my son to stop crying and learn to duck.

KETTLING

When I was growing up, kettling was something my dad said to my mum. He would say "are you kettling love? "meaning are you putting the kettle on or make some tea you idle cow" I have just been watching the news (on the BBC so it must be true) and the protesters at todays march have got a bit lippy with the bacon, sorry I mean the police and now the police are "kettling" them into areas and the protesters dont like it. One greasy dirty haired sandal wearing no job tree hugging soap dodging student was crying into the camera that he only threw a brick "to make a statement " well my greasy dirty stain on society, you made a statement and the answer was "get over there with the rest of the unwashed and we will let you out when the trains stops running". Its funny how those with no jobs and therefore no pensions feel the need to join this protest. Most of them don't work and are sponging off the state and when they retire, if they reach that age, they will still be spongers.
I was a bit miffed at the traffic chaos when I left work but I tuffed it out and got home, I parked my bike in my garage and walked to the shops to get loo roll, cos I knew I needed some, and I saw a lovely bunch of flowers and I thought, "they would make a nice present" so I untied them from the lamp post and I will give them to my sister tomorrow. I bought loo roll and when I got home I realised I needed milk not loo roll and now I have a fridge full of loo roll, so for tea I'm going to make a really hot curry. The rain tried to make an appearance but it was short lived which means its probably waiting for Mandy Murray so that he has an excuse, I really hope he wins Wimbledon this year (I farking don't cos I dislike him and his twin mother), but it would be great if the rain could fark off for a few more weeks and let me have some garden time. I have nicked some books from MCL and I like to read in the garden (and when having a pooh) and it would be nice to return them soon. I think everyone should read at least one book a week unless you are French, in that case you should spend more time shaving and showering and brushing your teeth. I'm off tomorrow so tonight its stella followed by some stella, I will go to the gym tomorrow for a letch, I mean a work out then have some more stella. Lifes a bitch, but so are most women. ooh I think I crossed a line there, ha ha ha ha ha who cares, diddly dee, la la la, everyones gone to the moon. (Did I mention, that I had some stella earlier).

I DONT MIND STRIKES BUT........

I dont mind people striking, im sure they think their cause is just and valid, but.....why the hell do they always come to London to do it?. I know parliament is in London and they the inbreds we call politicians are all supposed to be based here but i know for a fact that on strike days our MPs work from home so they are not the ones being incovenienced. As I drove to work this morning I saw lots and lots of police vans parked up around Westminster getting ready for the protesters, and I was pleased to see that they had learned at least one lesson. All the police officers were not cooped up in the back of their vehicles, they were all milling around on the pavements. Maybe its only the dogs they like to cook. I finally made it home after three divertions and I only had to swear at four other drivers who obviously dont live in London but came here for the day to do some sightseeing. Still im home now and I have picked up my car from the garage where I was having it looked at. I am now £120 worse off and have decided to dull the pain with some stella and a pizza. Wimbledon is still dragging on and people I have never heard of are grunting their way through what is arguably one of the most boring sports on the planet ( thats my view so up yours if you like tennis). I should really hoover up and bring in the washing but I cant be arsed so im gonna watch some cartoons and drink my lovely cold beers. la la la diddly everyones gone to the moon.  

HOT DOGS

I read with extreme anger, dismay and complete shock that police dogs died in a vehicle today because they overheated. A simple explanation one would think, but not in this case. The jack ass in question has killed a dog before in the same circumstance and I find it hard to believe that the silly farking carnt has done it again. The last time he killed a pooch he got a promotion, what will they give him this time? probably a knighthood and some free olympic tickets. In my job , if you make a mistake, the powers with no brains take you off track and make you feel really bad and you dont get back out for ages. If you miss battersea park for example, you get dumped on from a great height but you never ever do it again ( unless your name begins with SH or DG), You might make other mistakes but you wont miss Battersea Park again, you might fark up in other ways but you will always remember to stop at Battersea. This dopey silly plod roasted a pup a couple of years ago, said he was sorry and they made him a sargeant. Am I missing something? This time he has roasted TWO pups, in the same way and I am wondering what prize he will get. Unless he confesses to having shares in a chinese restaurant (am I allowed to suggest that? ) I think he should do some time. He obviously hates dogs or has trouble remembering he has left dogs in the oven, either way he is unfit for animal interaction. I made one silly mistake at work and I got completely hammered, ( although twentysix pounds a month for a diary is still cheap), I honestly think this guy should be left in a hot car until he sees the error of his ways. What will probably happen is that he will say a false appology and keep his job but not be allowed to eat, sorry, I mean work with dogs again, I made an appology and they expect me to still do my job. I almost wish I got the tin tack so I could become a dog cooker, ( sorry i mean join the police force, their uniforms are better than ours and they can drink on duty, (so i heard ) ) la la la , The story said he felt so bad he threw himself out of a police car, shame it wasnt going fast. I like animals, especially when they are covered in gravy and served with chips, but they dont deserve to be prepared in a hot vehicle.

MY MONDAY

I had to go to a team brief on saturday, it was a waste of time but it was better than driving traibs. I went out on saturday nite and I had a good drink, mad cat lady went to see some silly middle aged white bloke with dirty blond hair in hyde park, on sunday I had "you know what", today monday i went roads to brighton with a heavy smoking driver, I dont mind people smoking but apparently  its not allowed. I did what  I had to do at work and then I went home I took my car to the garage, there is nothing wrong with it i just wanted to show off. I did my monthly shopping and spent far too much for far too little. Whilst I was out both the Williams sisters lost at wimblwdon and I think the commentators were a bit too happy about it, that ginger git murray beat some french bloke and now everyone is going wild about it, I hate tennis. I hate tennis and I am not a murray fan. i wanty steak for tea but all my steak is frozen and you shouldnt cook it from frozen. I am well miffed about it. Luckily I have beer in the fridge and I intend to order a pizza. I doing roads to horsham tomorrow. La la la , and guess what? I really really dont care. The weather is gloriously hot, I love hot weather, I have no doubt that rain is on the way but right now im in the garden (well not right now cos im obviously writing this), but im going back to my garden with a good book and a nicely chilled drink, book supplied my MCL so dont bend the spine, she dont like it and can be very violent.

DRINKYPOOS

Im going out later. Its not wednesday but I have had a bath and changed my keks and I am going to meet up with friends for drinkypoos. Mad cat lady has gone to a Bon Jovi concert, why? I dont know, I think his music sucks, she did ask me to go, she is very considerate like that but I would rather shove strawberry jam up my arse and sit on an ant hill rather than go an see some middle aged white bloke in tight leather trousers ponce around on a stage shouting. My day started with a trip to brighton for a team brief. I farking hate team briefs, its all propaganda. It teaches us nothing and we learn nothing. The room was too hot and there was no free sandwiches or coffee. I managed to make it home on a packed train, and I had a lovely ride home on my super motorbike. I had a nice meal for one and the bath I told you about. I watched some crappy film and drank some chilled wine. And now im off to get sloshed. If I see you there I will by you a drink.

DAY OFF PART TWO

I was off yesterday and worked harder than being at work. Today was just the same although I did plan to be busy today. As usual, my noisy neighbours woke up half the street in their attempt to leave the house, so I got up had a nice light breakfast, put some washing in, hoovered the house, watched the news, and a story about how the wrong people are getting olympic tickets so I decided to crack on with my chores. I have decided to paint my doors and skirting boards and radiators. I prepared the doors properly, put on my latex gloves and opened the paint. The first of many phone interuptions began. Muscles Reidy wanted to know if I was going gym later and I said no. I started stirring the paint and the phone went again, I knew I should ignore it but it was the mad cat lady so I spoke to her, or rather listened to her moan about work. When she had finished I put the first stroke of paint on a door when the phone rang again, this time I ignored it but it kept ringing. I answered it to a work colleague who wanteds to to offer me a late turn next week, hah no thanks. I went back to painting and the door bell rang. I stopped painting and it was a postman with a parcel for my noisy neighbours, I signed his docket and put paint marks on the parcel, (ha ha ha), I went back to painting and was doing well when the bloody phone went again, it was mad cat lady telling me she had arrived home. Anyway I cracked on then my neighbours on the other side started playing loud music, I tried to ignore it but it was some real crappy old tunes and their dog was barking as well. I painted on for a while but I had to give up, the heat was too much and I had shut the doors to drown out the noise. I have managed to paint two doors, one hall cupboard door, my downstairs loo, and most of my left arm. I gave up and put everything away. I opened all the windows and decided to do some writing on my book. I have managed a very creditable 1543 words, so I am quite pleased. I had a lovely bath, scrubbed my arm to get the paint off, it wasn't easy and now my arm hurts. I gave myself a brazilian, (its nice to be tidy). I hung out the washing, I have prepared my world famous beef curry for later and now i'm off to the shops to treat myself to some beer. I checked and I'm ok for milk. la la la

MY DAY OFF

I have today off, HAH I would be less busy if i had gone to work. I was hoping for a lie in but I have neighbours who find it impossible to leave their house and get in a car with disturbing half the street. The woman obviously has a brain the the size on an ants knob because she keeps forgetting things and runs back in the house six or seven times, the dopey husband sits in the car tooting the horn and swearing her to farking hurry up. One of the things they do is leave the rear window open so half way down the street they come back to close it and repeat the leaving process all over again. Anyway I get up and I swear to you I think my son eats the toilet roll. I have two toilets in my house ( yes im very posh ) but there is never any loo roll so I have to go to my garage and get some, I nearly always find the tops off the screen wash and oil bottles in the garage where he forgets to put them back. I have some coffee, take a shower, then my chores begin, washing up, hoovering, dusting where needed, loading washing machine. My son and I go to the gym a lot so most of the washing is sports kits and towels. go to the shop for bits and pieces, hang out the washing, have another coffee, go to the gym come back from the gym, bring the washing in and pit in another load. All this is before mid day. I check my E mails, do some work on the books I am writing, hang the washing out and then my attention turns to lunch. I dont mind cooking but it can take an hour to cook and only minutes to eat.
On top of that , when I do take a break and turn the telly on, its daytime tv. What a load of shite daytime tv is. I think they should show daytime tv round the clock in prisons, that would stop people re offending. Anyway I have to go now because it looks like rain and I have to bring my washing in, I wanted to cut my grass but I will put that on the list for tomorrow, I forgot to but milk so thats another trip to the shop.

WHY DO PAPERS LIE

I think its time I stopped reading the particular newspaper that I buy. It never tells me the truth. Last week I read in the sports section that Stuart Pearce had assembled the best and finest under 21 squad that he has had control over for years. The paper allegedly quoted him as saying that he felt anything over then reaching the final would be a disaster. He said that even without the three players who pulled out for various reasons would not hamper our chances. What a load of crap. The first game was as interesting as a game of table tennis without the bats and the ball. The excuse that they are only young and coming off the end of a long season is absolute twaddle. The second game, well I just dont know why the hell I watched til the end, I wasted 90 minutes of my life which I wont get back and the last game just showed how bleak our International football is going to be. But that aint all the paper has lied about. Cheryl (too much hair ) Cole is giving up showbiz. Thats what the headline screamed and I spent the whole day semi erect with happiness and joy that I wont have read how sad and depressed she is every day and there will be less photos of her in the paper. I was overjoyed...... for two days then the paper she that due to fan pressure she had changed her mind. I felt well and truly miffed. It was like looking in the mirror and seeing ginger hair on my head. Then she spends the nite with her ex husband Cashley sorry I meant Ashley. I wasnt too suprised at that cos I saw that coming before the ink on her assault charge was dry. I am not anti Cheryl , I just dont like her. I dont like Amy Wino either so when it was annouced she was doing a foreign tour I had a feeling that even though the papers heralded her coming out of rehab (again) I knew she would muck things up when the limo took her straight to an off licence in the same road has her ex dealer. I read the paper because I like to informed of whats going on but I just cant trust any of them. The football transfer window was promised to be hectic and  frantic but so far the only thing important that has happened so far is the publication of Man Utds next seasons winning scores. They said our troops would be better looked after, but that has taken several steps backward, the weather forecasts are all wrong and the clean up of crooked MPs has ground to a halt. I like news, I like to be informed, but I obviously read the wrong paper, I think I shall do what the BBC do and make my own. 

WHERE I LIVE

I like where I live, I like, no actually, I love my house. Its a big house with a garage, in a fairly quiet street, I have a garage and a driveway, and my garden is the right size not to be a nuisance. The area, Deptford on the other hand leaves a lot to be desired. If Rotherhithe Tunnel, Blackwall Tunnel or tower Bridge anit working then the traffic is a nightmare. I am close to the the shops, and my gym and more importantly the pub I use (usually straight after the gym). You can tell a lot about an area from its local paper and ours is a depressing read. Todays headline was "Police raid on crack house reveals large arsenal". if that wasnt bad enough the next page screamed "Caretaker rents school out as a brothel ". I have kids and this concerned me a bit. I turn a few more pages and read "Alcoholic commits arson in own flat" I must admit that made me chuckle but then the very next page I read "Ambulance driver accused of stealing injured cyclists trainers". The council round here to be fair, do empty our bins every friday, the road sweeper turns up on thursday which makes no sense but our bins are emptied on a friday. When I say emptied I literally mean that because the lazy bastards leave most of the rubbish in the road. This has led us to having the biggest rats in London, which is probably the only thing we can boast about. No one in my street got olympics tickets and I have several neighbours who have applied to be on "Come Eat Me Grub" sorri I mean "Come Dine With Me" but all have had knockbacks because this area isnt salubrious enough. One of my neighbours wrote to 60 minute makeover but the reply she got  just said "ha ha ha ha ha , dont think so". Also in the local papers are the classifieds. I do like a bargain but one ad read " Pine double bed, £50 includes mattress, (some stains). " Another read " For sale 12 pairs of trousers, all 36 waist, genuine reason for selling, some part worn" Who the hell wakes up in the morning and decides to sell all their trousers?. The ad that really tickled me was the one that read "For sale, fishing reel cover, fits most fishing reels, only 70p, no time wasters please". If I tried really hard I dont think I could waste that idiots time any better then he is already doing for himself. Its raining outside, and its raining hard, I hope you damn gardeners are happy. I wasted a chunk of money (no not hard earned ) but still money on a new Argus ( I aint ashamed) half price BBQ and I have not had the chance to use it. April was a glorious month weather wise but June has been a washout. I dont mind the rain in June but it just prolongs the agony of tennis at Wimbledon. I hate tennis, I hate tennis. Monday, tennis starts, monday afternoon all the Brits are out, except for "not sure what country I want to play for" Murray who lasts until Tuesday afternoon. I really dont see the attraction but to be fair, some people dont like football either, (weirdos).So with all this rain I have my dryer on making it difficult to hear my telly, I hate my dryer cos it keeps nicking my pants, it used to be my socks but maybe since I started washing my feet every week it has decided to go for my under garments instead. Anyway, at least with all this rain the streets around here can get cleaned properly and it also keeps the teenage noisy spotty car thieving dope smokers in the local council estate tower block stairwells and off the streets for a little while longer. Prince Harry is being sent back to the front line " To do his bit". They pulled him out of there because his presence put the lives of his comrades in even more danger. Surely announcing to the world he is going back is giving the bad guys something to think about. Still, he is surrounded by the best trained army on the planet, and they do shoot at him maybe he can hide behind the BBC camera crew that will be filming his every move. I hate tennis.

WE HAVE BEEN HAD

Head line news today, Gadaffi,s son has been allocated several hundred olympic tickets. Let me say that again. The son of Crazy Colonel Gadaffi has been allocated several hundred olympic tickets. It does not make sense. Millions of honest hard working law abiding citizens applied for olympic tickets and were denied, yet the son of a crazy despot gets given several hundred. Kinda makes you lose faith in the system. THere may be strikes in the summer over the way our government are treating public sector pensions and retirement, they want us to shut up and be happy with what they dish out to us, in fact they expect us to be grateful, and yet a mad lunatic with no regard for human life gets our tickets. Our MPS vote on their own pensions and pay rises, they give them selves golden handshakes when they retire, they get £100 a day just for turning up to work, and then they can double their salaries withexpense claims. I have to say folks that I am seriously miffed about this. I didnt apply for tickets but I know many deserving people who did and got dumped on and yet lunatic junior gets given a shed load. I hope Boris is in his office on the top floor with the window open and I hope he is giving serious thought to stepping out. I used to think mad Ken was a jerk and a crook but Boris is much farking worse.

DO WARNINGS WORK

I went to the shops earlier and as a favour to te old arthritic wheezy lady who lives next door to me I got her some cigarettes. On the packet was a picture of a manky diseased lung and the caption " smoking kills ". well my neighbour must be eight seven at least and has smoked most of her life but she is still hacking her way through life, so maybe cancer is a bit choosy as to who it kills. I saw a picture of a little boy on the side of a milk carton and the caption said he went missing after talking to a stranger. This got me thinking about how to warn people of the danger in everyday life. Maybe chocolate cake boxes should have a picture of a fat lady crying as she comes out of Top Shop empty handed. I say this because there was a story today about the pikey sorry I mean traveller who was bitten by a guard dog as he burgled a factory. He saw the picture of a snarling dog but said he could not read the warning as he had never been to school because he had spent his life travelling around. If he spent his life travelling how did he pick up his giro every week?. Is it too much to ask that people take responsiblity for their own actions. A kid in Hull is suing his school because he burnt his tongue on hot custard, a prisoner is suing the government because he misses playing for his pubs darts team. I honestly think that we should make everyone take intelligence tests before they have kids because more and more people are growing up thick. I dont blame computer game for making children fat and lazy I dont blame tv for people wanting to be thin pretty and famous. I just wish we were allowed to tell the the truth. If some one is over weight, dont call them obese and say its a disease, just say "Oi fatty, put down the pie", if a kid is a great PS3 player but cant kick a ball or wield a cricket bat, buy him something different at christmas.
Lord Cameron and his puppy clegg have been on telly all day saying that this country is up the crapper because of the welfare system. He aint completely wrong but if I can sue Mcdonalds because the warning on my coffee cup is a bit vague then maybe I should not be allowed to buy coffee on my own. I saw a jar of peanut butter recently and the label said "may contain nuts" . It farking better have nuts in or im taking it back. I saw cooking instructions on a tin of tomato soup. Who the hell needs cooking instructions for tomato soup. Sorry folks, I need to go and lie down now, I used to watch " youve been framed" but now it seems every time I watch the news some idiot is caught on camera doing something daft. Today it was British soldiers torturing prisoners. It is totally wrong to do that but all I could think was that they deserve to be kicked out of the army for being silly enough to film themselves doing it. Are we becoming a nation of stupid people? do we really need to be told what is clever, what aint, what is acceptable and what isnt?. I dont know the answer but the next time I go out to cause some skullduggery I will leave my cam corder at home.
we are becoming a nation of compensation seekers ( the yanks started it) and we need to change. If it has a fence, no matter how high, you shouldnt climb it. If it looks sharp and dangerous, it probably is. If the sign says closed, come back another time. And my pet hate .....jay walkers. Its quite simple really, red man with line through body... dont cross, green man smiling... you may cross.  la la la .

NHS Waiting Times

In my quest to mayor of this great city, I tell everyone I would sort out the National health service and be tough on criminals. Poeple often ask me how I would sort out the NHS waiting queues in the A+E departments. Its not difficult, here is how I would do it. The waiting times would depend on the nature of your pedicament. For example, if a man was up a ladder cleaning his gutters and fell off, well that could happen to anyone and he van expect to be seen in around twenty minutes, if a person was walking "under" a ladder,and gets hit by some one falling off a ladder, well walking under a ladder is a bit silly but it could still happen to anyone so that person can expect to be seen in around 30 - 35 minutes. if someone has been drinking to impress a woman and they climb a drain pipe up an olg derelict building and fall off half way up, thats just farking stupid and they can expect to wait about 85 minutes. If you are the person who goes into A+E with some inanimate oblect stuck up your rectum, then you can expect to wait THREE hours, because it was self induced and the nurses are busy. However, if you are type of person who gets caught with your penis in anything that aint human,then you dont get seen until you have been on every daytime tv show and explained what the hell you were doing. When it comes to crime it is also quite simple, if you get caught, first time or not, you are going to prison, you dont get to vote, you only get BBC1 and BBC2, ITV and Channel 4 up until eight thirty, then you go back to your sell until breakfast which will be tea and toast, no other choice, and dont play the religion card, the choice is do you want breakfast , YES or NO ? and if you want to worship you God, do it in your cell. If you think that is harsh, dont break the law. TOO TOUGH I hear you cry, well lets try it for six months and see what happens. I saw a program the other night and this American guy (who else could it be?) weighed thirty seven stone, and he needed hospital treatment. It took two fire engine teams just to get him out of his house and a large flat back van to take him there. Thats fine by me but if he can afford to fatten himself up to that size, send the fat git the bill for transportation to the hospital. There was a man from Leeds on tv this morning, NINETEEN motoring convictions, SEVEN for burglary, he has four children by two different woman, he had a tattoo on his forehead and was moaning that since his release last year he cant find a job. HE HAS A TATTOO ON HIS FOREHEAD. Anyway, like I said, I would like to be mayor of this great city.

charity my arse.

I was walking back from the shops and one of those people working on behalf of charities tried to stop me. It was like a dance routine as I tried to get around him without stopping. Apparently thses street canvassers are known as Chuggers which is a combination of two words, Charity and Muggers because of the way the get you in the street. I have a new word for them and the word is Chunts.
This guy hassled me for about forty yards before i got passed him and when I did he yelled out "dont you care about the blind?"  All I could say back was "No, its because of them that labradors are so expensive". He asked me if I ever donate to charity, and the answer is yes,yes I do, I donate quite a large sum every year, if ever I am in hospital with cancer I am gonna snatch the oxygen machine off the little bald kid in the bed next to me cos I hepled pay for it.
My mate Boris is in the paper, he is worried about the latest ash cloud. Its not an ash cloud, its Ryan Giggs burning all the newspapers he can get his hands on.
Its been raining for the last few days and I won a bet with my son, I bet him that by the end of this week there would be a burst water main some where and bless my silk socks there was one mentioned on this mornings travel news, it was/is in North London, I dont live in North London so I wasnt really bothered but it just highlights how pathetic our utilty companies are. Rumours are flying that the Miliband brothers are not talking to each other. Isnt that the way siblings are supposed to act? Lastly, can someone please tell Lord Cameron and his puppy Clegg, that rolling up your sleeves does not make you look cool and hip. I watched the England under 21s last nite, thats 90 minutes of my life I wont get back, I know they are only "young" but bloody hell it was soooo very boring, even the commentaters were yawning. Luckily when the next match is on I have arranged for the people who hand out Watchtower magazine to come round and cheer me up.

As Predicted

As predicted, the Olympics have not even started and its becoming a farce. No one knew if they were going to be successful in getting a ticket and even if you were lucky there was no gaurantee that you  would receive a ticket to the event you wanted. Blithering Boris moaned that he never got a ticket but was going to try again, I bet he still turns up there, Lord Smarmy Coe says that the process was fair and just. Please may I smoke whatever he puts in his pipe. Why could they not put on the application the first three events you would like and if unsuccessful would you like a random event?  So you get choice A B or C or D if you aint fussed.  Why do so many unworthy "famous and deserving " people get gifted a ticket. I saw on the news that athletes are only getting one ticket for a family member, surley at least two so mum AND dad can go and watch their offspring come fourth. Im getting bored with Boris saying how proud he is and even more exasperated with Lord Smarmy saying it was a fair process. Someone on the olympics committee needs a kick in the genitals because before the games have even begun we are being laughed at. I attended all my school sports days and then all the sports days of my children. I ran in and then watched countless egg and spoon races and yet there is not one event for this. There is also no sack race or races with bean bags on our heads. All across the world the children of other nations train from an early age to be good at sports but here in Blighty we dont let our kids compete because its not fair to the fat kids and the lame kids. Well boo hoo to them, on that dumb logic lets ban science maths and biology from our schools so the stupid kids can feel equal. Actually we currently have an excuse for our athletes, the councils of this great nation are starting to bring in hose pipe bans because it didnt rain one day last month, we use the excuse that the weather was a wrong temperate for our athletes to train in. We should be the fastest runners in the world because it rains so much here sure our athletes wear wellies and cagouls when they train. If you aint got a ticket, dont panic, I have a telly, come and watch it at mine, I have beer wine chicken and burgers, if you want salad bring your own. I am inventing a new game, Its called " How many famous people in the audience who never bought a ticket can you name?"

TRY AND STEAL THIS

Remember me telling you that some thieving toerag stole my precious Honda 125 a few weeks ago? The police did nothing and the insurance company banked my check. I was furious and felt violated but I said then that I would bounce back. Well I am back, I have a newer shinier bike it has an electric start (yippee no more sore shins). I have also rented a garage from the council. So my new baby is securely housed over nite, I have a ground anchor and THREE heavy duty locks (one with an alarm) on the bike. I park my car in the garage blocking the bike in AND I have THREE locks on the garage door. Lets see MR Stickyfingeredthievinggit  try and nick that. If I hear my alarm go off I will be up and at my garage, baseball bat in hand in less than thirty seconds. Im not vindictive but I almost want you to try.

Lord Coe is an ass

'Well the lines are closed, the coffers are full'. I don't know anyone who got a ticket, its strange how people reacted, frantically checking their accounts to see if they got lucky, I'm not sure what's worse, discovering you need to sell one of your kids just to get a seat at the opening ceremony or realising you have a ticket to the early rounds of ping pong. Usain Bolt takes ten seconds to run 100 metres, tickets to the final cost £720, thats £72 quid per second and that's hardly good value, anyway why max out your credit card just so you can sit in the drizzle and stare at strangers far away from where you sit, leg it past you. And to top it all tickets for the closing ceremony are two grand, thats a lot of money to watch people go home. I bet smarmy Coe has a ticket.

Tuesday 7th June

Ryan giggs has been caught shagging his sister in law. Why is every one surprised? firstly, he is welsh, they shag anything, secondly, he is a man, we shag anything and thirdly, he is an overpaid namby pamby footballer, they shag everything. I only hope his brother who he has done the wrongest of crimes against (if wrongest aint a word then it should be) waits til Ryan aint suspecting it, then whacks him in the cock with a metal pole and throws his dirty cheating pooper wife out a high window. I will bet any money you like the silly dirty cheating slut says that Ryan Giggs told her he loved her. I bet we will soon see photos of her in skimpy knickers cos she wants to be a model (I hope there are photos, oo er missus). This disgusting man has been held up as a role model for years, and look what happens, he turns out to be as big a dirty shit as the rest of these so called leaders of men. I am not surprised, and what make it even worse is that his dumb dopey wife will forgive him (lets be fair, the the dirty shagger is worth a fortune). I also don't understand the hoohah over the Playboy club opening in London. It provides jobs for boobly enhanced women who can't get proper jobs and if soapy disgusting men want to pay six quid a pint then so be it. Did you notice all the ugly looking women protesting outside? Jealous bunch of crop haired hairy legged can't get a man bow wows. Good luck to that dirty old perv Hugh Heffner, I'm sure his twenty eight year old fiance really loves him. And more importantly, lets feel sorry for Cheryl (toilet attendant basher) Cole, sacked from whatever show she was useless at and she has to get speaking lessons for her new job, well lets be honest, it is really difficult to ask some one if "they want fries with that". I saw David Beckham on telly meeting the Pope, am I the only one who cringed when Beckham asked the Pope how Mrs Pope was?. As I drove home from the gyn today I saw a sign near a school that said "Slow children crossing" at first I thought that was considerate to warn us drivers but then I thought, the slow children must be feeling quite ashamed, well the ones that can read. My lady friend has been celibate since her divorce four years ago and I just found out that she has caught E.Coli from a cucumber, lifes a bitch, la la la . Boris Johnson??? dont get me started.

Clause 9 Weekend

Monday afternoon, my mate Boris is again in the news moaning that he has not got a ticket for the olympics, he is worried that he might have to watch it all on telly ( like the rest of us mere mortals ) he has not yet taken up my offer of watching it at my house but the offer is open and will remain open, wotsername is also on the news, crying into her big mane of crazy hair, crying that she feels worthless and let down by Mr Cowell, she also said the 1.2 million quid that was offered to her as a golden handshake did not hide her humiliation to the world and she wished she had the chance to prove herself to an American audience. For 1.2 million quid I would shit in a box and rub the contents all over me on world wide tv not just American tv, but hey thats just me. I have to admit I dont care if that 12 year old gay kids chances of winning BGT is fixed or not, I dont watch it and I dont buy the resulting must have albums. Susan Boyle was good but she is still someone who does not have an album on my shelf. The papers need to focus on more important things like the weather. I need to plan my golfing diary and I need those overpaid forecasters to get it right more often. They have been close this weekend cos they said it might rain and it did but I need them to be more specific. Also I dont care where the bald prince and his wife are going to live, its not like they have to worry about getting a mortgage, it made me larf when the media said the honeymoon was over and they are both back at work. Since they have both been 'back at work' they have been to four shows, been to two countries and been invited to three parties, wow life is tough when you get married. Anyway, I'm not jealous, NO I AINT, I just wish I lived in the real world like they do, they think the whole world smells of paint and everyone you meet smiles and wants to shake your hand , where everyone wears a nice medalled uniform, well here is the the real news, I wear a uniform to work and the only medal on it costs me £26 a month and comes with a diary, ooops sorry I nearly lost it for a second, anyway its nice to see the England football team are still as good as they have always been, a draw to us is like a win, and if we all cross our fingers and wish real hard maybe Santa will give us more rain this summer. Ironically my celibate lady friend who doesn't have sex cos she is afraid of catching a disease caught E Coli from a cucumber. La la la.