GOLF OR PUB

Last week I made plans to play golf this week on wednesday and thursday. I made these plans because those over paid badly dressed weather forecasters said the weather would be nice. I played golf yesterday and the the weather was indeed very nice and I had a really good time followed obviousy by some alcohol. I cancelled the plans for golf today and arranged to go to the pub with friends instead. I did this because that beardy sandal wearing lentil crunching crazy cardigan wearing idiot was sure that today was going to be a total washout. Well I have looked out the window several times today and it aint farking raining. Dont get me wrong, im looking forward to a long session in the pub (dont expect sex later cos I wont be able to), and im sure it will be a larf. However I will spend a lot more money than I would have if I had gone golf. Also I really should give my liver a rest. I hope that the weather stays nice for the lads going on the bike ride tomorrow, I will think of you when I am at the pub (again). Can I just say to the weather forecasters, I dont like you, I never have, you tell more lies than a british rail timetable, I blame myself because I should not have faith in you, maybe your beards are hypnotic. I dont understand how so much money can be spent on so few correct predictions. I hope you stub your crusty dirty sandalled talon shaped toes and fall over and land in a puddle of rancid carrot slush.

moments I waste

I woke up early this morning, dontknow why buy I did. I made some coffee and and turned on the news. That woman who is well known for something or other but is now famous for shagging Ryan giggs was on the tv crying that she feels sad and embarrassed that her sex life is all over the papers and that this famous footballer she slept with is the love of her life. Really?? why then was her first phone call to a publicist and the second to a seedy newspaper? I knew watching the bimbo on the telly that I had just wasted moments of my life watching someone I have no interest in so I turned to another news channel and saw some silly jelly head in Ireland crying because the American president visited his village. This man was actually crying, fark me he needs to get a life. I switched back and that volcano is apparently making life difficult for thousands of people. Sorry folks but it aint bothering me, im playing golf later, i then out the sports news on and was gobsmacked to hear that the Barcelona football teams plans are in the bin because they to come a day early, well boo hoo im sure that sucks, I have been to Barcelona and I didnt like it there either. Simon Cowell was in the papers again. Who?? yeah thats what I thought, he does not interest me at all, not one bit. Saw a picture of Dannii wotsername, she was cying, saw a picture of skinny Beckham, she was pouting, saw a picture of that gay fella Biggins, he still grins like a mental patient and lastly I saw "highlights " of Gary Nevilles testimonial, there were two number sevens on his team, is that how they win so many games? So to sum up, in the short time I have been awake I have wasted my time not finding anything of note happening in the world that deems to be newsworthy. How very dull and a waste of my tissue time. La la la .

Todays News is

Todays news is dull and boring, I have been away for a couple of days and nothing new happened. The weather has been unpredictable as usual, what that means is the forecasters dont know, another dopey footballer has been caught with his pants down meaning some dumb failed model is gonna make her fortune saying how much she loved him and how much he lied to her in order to get laid. To be honest it was the worst kept secret in football and I really wasn't and still ain't interested. Barack Obama is in Ireland, so what who cares? And again Ryanair is cancelling all its flight because some volcano somewhere is being sick. Why does anyone fly Ryan air? Its not passenger friendly. The football season is now over so the back pages are gonna be full of sports no one cares about and stories about silly amounts of money being spent on players that ain't worth it. The weather people are really annoying me because I aint missing the rain and if my garden turns yellow I dont think I will lose any sleep. its raining in Wales and Scotland. Nothing new about that. I bet you a fiver another model/footballer story breaks before the new season starts.

them and us

Have you noticed how not one of our senior politicians from any party has a son or daughter in the military serving overseas?. have you also noticed how only the rich and famous can be granted a gagging injunction when they get caught shagging someone they aint married to or when their dealer wants to earn a few quid giving their name to the papers? Why do we as a nation let the rich and powerful pull all the strings? I dont buy the Sun newspaper and I would never read the News of the World, but hey, if you throw enough shit at the fan, some of it must be true. Do we believe that a footballer would fall in love with an ugly glamour model just because she likes the taste of tadpoles, and do we really believe some old french guy tried to hump a chambermaid who is on minimum wage who used to be a "glammer modell" and do we believe that that FIFA is not corrupt ot that Quatar really wants the 2022 world cup. I dont like conspirousy stories (I do really) but i want them to be realistic. I dont for one second think that the C in KFC stands for chicken, and I dont believe the Mac Ds "we.re loving it" bollox. Churchill insurance adverts scrape the bottom of good taste, the halifax adverts are the worst acting I have ever seen, I spray myself with Lynx every day and rats cross the road to avoid me, I dont know why I started this but I have just drunk a bottle of red wine and had six stellas for a fiver. Can you believe I pay £26 pounds a month for a diary. la la la diddly dee.

Police Budgets

As some of you may know, two doors along from house I have very annoying anti-social noisy neighbours. I don't know exactly who lives there because so many people come and go its quite difficult to keep a tab. During the school holidays there are kids coming and going as well. My neighbours either talk loudly on the phone in the garden or talk loudly whilst walking up and down the street in front of my house. Most nights there are several cars coming and going and it is obvious what deals are being made. The police are called to this address at least twice a week. What I didn't know before is that the house is council owned and the people living there have been evicted from several other properties before, (i'm not surprised). Anyway these wonderful people were up to their usual shenanigans at 7am this morning screaming ang shouting the street because the car would not start and apparently they dont have breakdown on their insurance or some crappy reason. Anyway, screaming, shouting and swearing ensued for about 10 mins until a police car turned up with two police women in it. They were told to fark off and so another car turned up with 2 more plods. So now at half seven when I don't want to be up I have all this noise outside my house and then one of the plods drags one of the neighbours outside my door and stands there while the man calls her all sorts of nasty names. She obviously didn't like it so radios for MORE plod and in no time at all TWO vans come tearing down the road and fark me sideways a helicopter hovers above. When my friends motorbike was stolen all she got was a short note saying "TUFF SHIT " when a police officer breaks a nail they send half the police force. That address must surely be on some sort of data base as " A place of Interest" I don't understand how they have not been put in jail going by the number of times they have been taken away by the police. Surely if the police just waited outside the house for one night they would have enough proof to lock them up. I don't want to sound old and moody but farking hell two cars two vans and a helicopter is a bit much, especially when in the end no one gets arrested and all the plod drive off. And the police wonder why their budgets are in question. For a small fee and a royal pardon I would happily burn the house down. I am going to E-mail Boris Johnson later today and offer to do his job for him. Only for a week but I guarantee that at the end of that week London would be safer, and quieter. La la la

GRRRRRR it's not right

I have been watching the news today and several things have really made me angry. The first one the Queen in Ireland laying wreaths for the fallen Irish, how about Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness coming over here and laying wreaths for all the people murdered by Irish terrorists. Secondly, two men are finally going to be tried properly for the murder of Stephen Lawrence, well its about time because everyone but the police know they did it and thirdly Ken Clarke has gone on record saying some rape crimes are not serious. WHAT???? Ken Clarke is a lucky man because if I knew an unfortunate rape victim I would go and punch him in the face for saying what he did. There is no excuse and he should resign and hide under his rock or slimy Dave Cameron should sack his ass. Either way Ken Clarke should never be heard from again. I like Ireland, its a pretty country however the Queen does look well bored, having said that she is 85 yrs old. But lets be honest Ireland ain't Snow White in the history department and I don't think Stephen Lawrence was a saint but he didn't deserve to be killed by scummy racists and that fat mess Ken Clarke just proves that those rich Tory twats don't live in the real world. Angry?? you bet I am.

Last Thoughts

Someone has just asked me if I'm afraid of dying. Like the pervert Woody Allen said, "I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens". Personally, I dont give death much thought. People always talk about sad funerals but I think funerals are great. I think it's the time to remember all the good happy times the person in the box had when he or she was alive. Talking about death can be very depressing, unless you are a West Ham fan, then its probably a better subject to be talking about. But I like to dwell on the good things in life, for example, do you ever enjoy a really good dump? I mean the kind of headstrainer that takes a good ten or fifteen minutes and there is no one else in the house so you can make as much noise as you want. What about when you are leaving for work and you see the breakdown truck arrive at your horrible neighbours house and you just know that they will be late for work and the car repairs will be expensive. I like those times. I like getting crisp ten pound notes from the cash point machine and not those sweaty wrinkled notes the shop keeper tries to palm you off with. I always ask for better notes and when he refuses I just buy something really cheap and give him the manky note back. Its not much but the look on his face makes me happy. Its like watching "You've Been Framed" its nice to see Americans making complete fools of themselves but its much more fun when they hurt themselves in the process. Life, as they say is too short. Worry about death when your old and be happy when your not. If my doctor told me I was going to die soon, I wouldn't mope about it, I would go out and rob a bank, what can they do about it? I'd sell my house and waste the money on me, sod the kids, I'm off and I'm taking a big suitcase of cash with me. I like to think about good things like when someone at work you don't like doesn't get the promotion they wanted. Life can be sweet. So lets not think about dying, at some point today have a good shit and be happy. la la la .

Today I'm annoyed because...

The Queen is visiting Ireland today and not one of the people she met bowed or curtseyed. that is just disrespectful. I went to the bank on saturday and it was closed for staff training, I went again monday morning and it was late opening, I tried again today but there was such a queue that I could not be arsed to wait. A community police officer knocked on my door earlier, when I opened the door he looked me up and down and then asked "is this your house?" I replied "why? do you think I stole it?" He was trying to get me involved in new projects in the area to generate "excitement" in the community, I told him I get enough excitement driving my car waiting for his colleagues to pull me over and give me a beating, he didn't like that. He said that a bungee jumping show was coming to Deptford and I just laughed, he asked whats so funny? I told him that Deptford was full of black people and to black people, bungee jumping reminds us of a lynching. I saw on the news that a homeless shelter has burned down, what does that make them now? homelesser? Also on the news was a story about a teenager who hung himself because he had a speech impediment, I thought that was sad because there are people he could have talked to. Simon Cowell spends half a million pounds a year on personnal security, he could save a tonne of money just by being less of a wanker. My pal asked me if I had any tips on speaking to an audience and I suggested that he pretends the audience is naked, he then told me that it was not a good idea because he was giving a speech to a group of ten year old boy scouts. Any way, the football season is nearly over, nothing to do for three months except be crap at cricket, worse at tennis and watch the cost of the olympics keep rising. If you can't afford a ticket don't panic because it will be on telly. I intend to watch some of it, (the sports with semi dressed women), I will buy a crate or two of lager and eat burgers. I fully expect the olympics to be dismal in both the presentation and the medal tally for England, I don't mean to be a miserable git but lets be honest, we suck.

me and queues

I have several pet hate, I dont like inconsiderate parking, I dont like bad drivers, I dont like loud stereos on public transport and im not keen on brussel sprouts. Something else that is starting to get me riled is the way some people have trouble in a queue. I was in the supermarket today and a women with her wailing child and a half full trolley was in front of me. When it was her turn, she then decided she needed several more items and sent her son to go and find these items. After waiting for about six minutes the boy comes back with only some of the things the woman wanted. This pig of a woman then started shouting at the boy like it was his fault. After being asked to calm down by the till operator the woman then realised she had packed her bag with her purse at the bottom so she then had to unpack the damn bag to find her purse. Then as if that wasnt bad enough she paid the money then realised she had coupons she forgot to use so went to the returns desk, returned her whole purchase and then queued up again to re-buy the stuff again using the coupons which saved her a whopping seven pounds from a forty three pounds original sale. I personally would of asked her to leave the shop and never come back, but thats just me. Yesterday I was at the bank and a man was telling the cashier that the cashpoint machine would not let him have the amount he wanted, the teller tried to tell him he did not have enough in his account and his argument was that he gets paid every thursday and was good for the money. He argued for ages until someone behind me told him to leave " or else " I was going to say the same thing to him but im in enough trouble as it is. I dont mind having to wait behind annoying people but I just think that shops should have a seperate queue for the annoying or mentally challenged so that the rest of us can get through our daily lives without being subjected to backward thinking stupid people. The worse place to queue is the Post Office and I want to go on record as saying that certain elderly people should only be allowed to shop at certain hours. last week I was in a Post Office behind some cantankerous old biddy who wanted to buy ONE stamp to put on a card she was going to send to her friends CAT. Yes, ONE stamp for a card to a CAT. Queues should only be used by normal sane people. Old peopple should shop either very early or very late so that we can avoid them. Dont get me wrong the elderly are people too but being behind one in a queue can be very, very frustrating. When old and bitchy, buy me a nice pillow and hold over my head til I stop twitching.

my business not yours

I live in South London and I like it here, however this morning I was woken by the sound of some one rifling my bin, had it been a down and out of some other unfortunate person I would not have been concerned but it was some woman in a high viz vest. I got dressed and went to confront her. This woman and four other people are going through the area snooping in bins and peoples gardens. I asked her what she was looking for and she refused (no pun intended) to tell me, she then asked how often I tended my garden so I said "As often as I liked" when she asked for specifics I got quite rude and told her to Foxtrot Oscar. Her male companion came up and asked me the same question I said to him to enter my house and have a look when he said "can I really " I said yes because as soon as you step into my house I will bash your f*^cking head as if you were a burglar" I dont know why but he walked away with the hump. What is this country coming to when even our own rubbish is not private. I can understand to some degree why the sleazy tabloids snoop through the bins of the rich and famous but why are our own councils now doing it. Its bad enough that you cant walk down the high street without being on camera but I really dont want my rubbish examined. If my council wants to know what I throw away, they can wait until friday when the dustmen come and leave half of it in the road. I think employing people to look through our bins is an offensive invasion of our rights and I dont intend to be quiet in my opposition to it. Its a complete waste of taxes. And as for my garden, well thats just it, its my garden not yours so sod off.

Survey Says

I saw something in the news today (Mirror page 29) apparently women diet and go to tanning booths and have their hair done before going on holiday. Do you believe this rubbish? An actual survey that cost tonnes of money was conducted to tell us what we already know. Another survey has been commissioned to find out why the lib dems took a caning at the polls last week, please save the money and give it to a decent charity I can give the answer in five words 'Nick Clegg told us lies' at the election he made several promises (most of the lying politicians did) but he was very specfic to the students and the health service, when his party got their arse kicked he made a deal with Lord Cameron (just wait and see) and became deputy prime minister. I suppose some people will do anything for a bit of power (Ken Livinston)) and now Lord Cameron carries him around like Paris Hilton carries her little dog. Another survey (Daily Mail) wants to know if we wanted Osama Bin shit captured alive (I dont really care either way) but seeing as how those trigger happy yanks claimed to have killed him anyway the survey will make no sense and serve no purpose. Another survey in the Telegraph wants to know why the Scottish want to be independent well why dont we just get the Royal navy to tow Scotland far away and let them be as independent as they like. Surveys serve no purpose before or after the event. Before the event we all know the problem and the solution but the govt want us to help them decide, when it goes wrong because they dont listen they want a survey on where they went wrong. Surveys cost time and money and all they do is give jobs to bearded, sandal wearing, lentil crunchers. I read that drinking red wine is good for you I also read drinking wine is bad for you, am I confused? Yes I am, there is a survey that will prove or disprove just about everything, it just depends on what you read, I have found a solution that really works for me and since I started doing it I am infinately happier than ever, I stopped reading surveys, I drink red wine it makes me happy if I drink too much red wine it makes me sick, mmmm what shall I do? Watching too much tv makes you fat, no it doesn't watching too much tv without doing any excercise make you fat and so on and so on. What we need is less surveys and a good leader, Lord Cameron (wait and see) looks the part but is too out of touch, Miliband is a spoilt little brother who is just trying to annoy his brothers friends and Nick Clegg ha ha ha ha ha ha Nick Clegg. People of this fine nation need some one who isn't afraid to call an overweight person with spectacles and attitude a fat four eyed git, vote me as London Mayor and I will do my damnedest to put things right. Who? Me me me .

The Country Has Spoken

It looks like we are going to keep The First Past The Post voting system in this country. I think thats a good thing, until i'm London Mayor I dont really want to get involved but as a nation we get Donald Ducked over and over and we dont complain, petrol, oil, tobacco, alcohol, taxes, seats on planes, school fees and in many more ways we take it from behind and don't complain. At least with first past the post we have a smidgin of an idea who we are voting for but if we used this Alternative Voting system I have no doubt Lord Cameron (wait and see) would use it against us. Well done UK, lets hope they listen to us for a change. La la la

Why only the famous

I have just seen on the news that gordon ramsey is to receive an award for raising money wen he ran the marathon. Whilst I admit that it very commendable that he made the time and effort, so did 35 thousand other people and I bet he didnt go round with a piece of paper writing down friends names and how much they would donate. I also read that he jogs to work and his wife follows in the car with his work clothes, so how environmentally friendly is that. Dont get me wrong i'm sure he is a good cook and all that , but isn't he more famous for humiliating mere mortals who cant cook as well as he thinks he can and is it really wise to scream at someone who is standing very close to sharp kitchen utensils? I'm not a Gordon Ramsey fan but iMm not just having a go at him but at all the other 'famous' people who do a bit of charity work and then receive awards for it. My gripe is that hundreds of thousands of 'ordinary' people raise money for all sorts of good causes without reward and they do it willing and in many cases at a cost to themselves. Where are the accolades for them? I just think that being famous is reward in itself and blabbing on about all the charity they do is a bit too much to bear, if they want to help then give up some of that wealth they seem so keen on accumulating or in Gordon Ramseys case lower your prices so we can all afford to eat there or if you want to really be charitable open some soup kitchens for those less fortunate then the rest of us.

Here is the news (we think)!!

I have been watching the news and a couple of things are causing me a bit of concern, apparently we still don't know know the full story of how Osama Bin shitbag met his death. Personally I don't care just as long as he is dead and yes I do want to see the photo of his corpse. But that is not all the news people are getting wrong, the weather, they said it was going to be sunny all week and now they are saying its going to rain, the weather man said it with a big smile on his face and said it was good news for gardeners. Well here's some news for him, I have a garden and I still dont want rain. I like this dry sunny weather, it makes me happy and I feel i'm in a better mood wise. I see people walking down the street smiling and wearing nice clothes. I dont see that in the crappy cold weather, in the crappy cold weather all I see is miserable people standing at bus stops looking very french. I am just annoyed that everytime they announce the weather it seems to be different, its like they are just guessing. Anyway I like sunny weather, but I would also like consistant truthful news reports. Is it too much to expect from my licence fee?

Life can be sweet

It's tuesday after a bank holiday, I had a great saturday, drank some (lots) of beer and had some fun with the grandkids and had a nice saturday evening in front of the telly with a good movie and a bottle of wine. Sunday for the first time in nearly 6 months I played squash and won, I don't mean I won for the 1st time in 6 months I mean I played for the 1st time, then watched Arsenal beat those northern monkeys which cheered me up. Then I had a lovely meal cooked for me. I played golf on bank holiday monday with my bestest friend, I slept well last night then today I had my last physio session. My house is clean and tidy and I have it all to myself. Sometimes not always but sometimes, life can be sweet.

Things you should know

Things you should know, Lee Harvey Oswald did not kill JFK, Mike Tyson did not rape that woman, O.J Simpson did not kill his wife (he paid someone to do it), the moon landing did not happen, Roswell did happen, David Cameron is a snob, Nick Clegg is a nob, Lenny Henry isn't funny, Stephen Fry is very clever (and funnier than Lenny Henry), Wales is a pretty country but it rains to much over there, Scotland is a pretty country ruined by the people who live there (and it rains too much up there and it snows a lot), down South is better than up North, Freddie Starr ain't funny, people who don't pick up after their dogs mess are not nice people, Scottish football is dull, lager is better than bitter, being French is nothing to boast about, being American is nothing to be proud of, Saint George killed a large lizard and finally for now does anyone really think that now that Osama Bin shitbag is dead the world is a safer place? No, neither do I.