TRADESMEN

Tradesmen, Who do they think they are? If you are paying for a service, shouldn't you be the one dictating the rules? I like my house, no actually, I love my house, I aint over joyed at the area it in but when I shut my door, its my castle and I'm the king. I have to have some work done on my house and I have had to call in some workmen whose do these types of hands on get dirty jobs. I don't do these kinds of jobs because even though you may find this hard to believe, I am actually quite useless at walking around with a pencil behind my ear and my arse hanging out of my tracksuit bottoms. Anyway these guys were supposed to be here at 8 o'clock yesterday and turned up nearer 11. The excuse they gave me was that they were held up on another job. I asked the the man with the biggest pencil what job could he possibly have been doing to get held up on when he should have been at my house at 8am and guess what? The fat arsed idiot didn't have an answer. Anyway they spent most of their time getting prepared to start work and I must admit they looked like they knew what they were doing. Oh silly me, silly silly me, no sooner had they prepped everything and moved stuff out the way and drilled holes ready to be filled and cover most services with dust and scratched their heads and arses collectively, fat arse number two decided he needed a bigger better more noisier gadget to do something even more spectacular to impress me that they all needed to fuck off to B and Q and get one each and have lunch on the way back. This little jaunt took the best part of two hours and when they came back having had what must have been the biggest lunch ever going by the amount of tomato sauce spilt down their shirts they were too fucked to do any work. So after some more drilling and lots of swearing and lots of them saying to each other 'have you got a 7 ml this or an 8 ml that, or come and hold this for me, or shine your torch over here a minute' not much progress was being made. Shortly after what seemed like ages their working day was up. They said they could tidy up a bit but would it be alright to leave their gear where it was so they could get an early start today. I agreed but I took the big pencil guy to one side and told him that him and his guys need to be here bang on 8 o clock or I won't be happy, I told him if he was late I would throw his stuff in the street and get a different crew in to finish the work. He assured me that they would be here on time and do a bang up job. Well whack me with a stick covered in shit cos at 8 o'clock they were here and stormed into work. I was so gobsmacked I forgot to have a tissue moment. Anyway they buzzed around banging drilling swearing stopping to make phone calls and drunk most of my coffee and now they have started rubbing their stomachs talking about bacon sandwiches and The Daily Sport newspaper. It seems that in a tradesmens life, lunch gets earlier and longer every day. The cost of the job has stayed the same but they might need an extra day maybe two. I suggested less lunch hours and working past two in the afternoon but the guy looked at me like I had just asked for a blow job in front of his mates. It looks like my castle is going to be a noisy mess for a few days but hopefully it will look even nicer when its finished. It would have been a great opportunity to finish my writing but the guy with the third biggest arse switched the power off to play around with my power shower. Anyway I will keep you posted on how things go, I am doing well on my dryathon, only a couple more days to go. Please buy my Ebook, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact. The Titanic cost $7 million dollars to build and they spent $200 million making a film about it. La la la diddley dee.

WHY OH WHY

Why oh why did I decide to try and go through January alcohol free? Today I have six days left and I am doing my utmost to resist and if I say so myself I am doing extremely well because I have not touched a drop. I have trained extremely hard as well this month. I have trained so far on average better then every other day this month. On one day, I went to the gym in the morning, then I played golf then in the evening I had a spin class, so that was a good health day. But I digress, can I say again that so far this month I have not had a single drop of alcohol and I feel awesome. I feel better inside, I'm sleeping very well, I have much more energy, my skin is softer and less wrinkled, my taste buds are tingling again and my mental acuity is bang on. Having said that I'm walking around like an angry bear with nappy rash, I'm growling and snapping at everyone, nothing makes me chuckle and I'm clucking for a drink. Six long bloody days to go and I assure you on that sixth day do not stand between me and my fridge because I will trample you to death to get my hands on the beer currently sitting on the door shelf waiting for their inevitable demise. So what else has been happening on my sober journey. Well now that I'm going to work sober, I don't seem to enjoy the job as much. Those coastal munters are even more horrendous to look at and twice as unbearable to be around. The weather has been abysmal. Who the feck likes snow? I hate snow, always have always will. I don't even buy Christmas cards with snow on. It never ceases to amaze me when I watch the news and see people who are bonkersmental going out in extreme snow conditions and getting so stuck they have to call out the emergency services. These morons should sign waivers saying that they do these daft dangerous things in full awareness that rescuers will not be sent to get them out of any difficulty they may get into. I see the ginger prince is in trouble for saying killing the enemy is like playing video games. If what he said was so offensive, why was it aired on tv? What about the video of the soldier being beheaded by the Taliban, wasn't that? The telly is full of adverts for holidays, am I the only one who finds those adverts dumb and boring? The telly has been awash with rehashed programmes and I think this years biggest turkey is the new Yes Prime Minister. Many years ago when the milk snatcher was Prime Minister the show was fairly amusing, the new version is so bad words fail me to describe how fucking awful it is, oh hang on, there we go, the new show is fucking awful. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am still here and will be back to full ranting in just over a week but some things never change, there are some people who I still dislike immensely, (Jay Brook, Ken Livingston, Boris Johnson, Nick Clegg and Russell Brand, the Beckhams are still irritating on a global level and the French are still being French). You will be pleased to know my next two books are close to completion, so please buy my E book, A Clean Week. Here are two interesting facts. 1. pumice is the only rock that floats and 2. if you count one second at a time it will take eleven and a half days to reach one million. la la la diddley dee.

COMMUNAL DUMPS

I was coastal today. The weather as usual was grim. Christmas is as far as I am concerned well and truly over so why are those coastal cretins still displaying tinsel and why are the cheap crackers still on the table. Anyway, there I was minding my own business trying not to show fear and all I could hear from behind my newspaper was some jelly head trying out the ring tones on his new phone. Don't get me wrong, we have all done it, we get a new better phone and we like to play around with it and boast about how cool it is and go through every ring tone until we find the one we like or the one that will be most annoying to others. After about ten minutes of listening to this moron telling his fellow morons how he can use this new fangled contraption to talk to other people who are in a different room, I decided I needed to have a Forest. I went to the loo but being the shy retiring type. I can't pooh if someone is in the cubicle next to me so I had to wait. Five minutes later I tried again and just my luck, there were other people using the stalls. I kept going in and out for ages until after about twenty minutes I could wait no longer as it felt like I had Mount Vesuvius about to fall from my rear end (arse). Only one stall was being used so I went into one at the other end. No sooner had I sat down when I heard "Hello". I was a bit shocked and kept quiet. Then I heard "Hello, say something" so I said "Er hello". the voice then said, "Wow this phone is great its like we are in the same room" . Well that was it, damn these coastal hillbillies, I finished what I was doing and was washing my hands when the moron with the phone emerged from his stall, he flushed and walked straight out. I found him in the crew room handing his phone to people who were pretending to use the phone by putting to their ears. He looked at me and said, "do you want to try it?" I replied "No thanks, I think its disgusting to use a phone whilst having a shit and you didn't wash your hands". Just then there was a crash and a wallop as the person who was holding the phone dropped it and looked at the moron and called him a filthy fecking dirtbag. Moron almost cried as he picked up the remnants of his phone and muttered something about taking out a grievance. Please don't use a phone whilst having a dump, its not a nice thing to do although a few years ago I did see someone take a cup of tea in with them, uurgh. Please by my E book, A Clean Week, by Ola West. Here is an interesting fact, fingernails grow four times faster than toe nails. la la la