NEW YEARS EVE

Well folks, tonight is the night. 2012 will finally be over and can I say good riddance to all that rain. Having said that, it has pissed down all day. We went to the supermarket earlier to pick up one or two items for what will be our delicious dinner later before we go out and have a fantastic evening. The bloody supermarket was ram packed with people doing their shopping, not just bits and pieces shopping but proper full on shopping, it was just ridiculous. I can never understand men who drive their wives to the shop and then sit and wait in the car. My good leprechaun friend Steve Coe does that. He was a London Driver but unfortunately couldn't stay because he has ginger hair. He now works coastal, he is the nicest guy on the planet and fair play to him, even though he lives coastal and has the wrong hair he simply refuses to grow an extra finger on each hand. Deep down he is still a London boy but ginger hair is ginger hair, its not normal, I love him but I don't want to catch the hair disease. I received a Christmas gift today, I ordered it in early December for a guaranteed delivery before Christmas and it came today. It amazes me that expensive stuff ordered online takes ages to deliver but when I recently ordered some real cheap shit for my mother in law I was still on the phone when the doorbell rang and the postman handed me the crap. I hope 2013 will be a better year for all my friends and I hope all the people I don't like end up broke living in Middlesborough. Next year will be great for me because it just will. Enjoy your new years eve, me and mine will, we always do. Next year I will do bigger better blogs, tell your friends if you have some. Here is two, I am doing two because its my gift for the new year. Interesting fact number one, in a recent restaurant survey, married men tip better than single men, and interesting fact number two, there is enough library books in the world for everyone on the planet to have one each. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week by Ola West. Have a great year. la la la

2012

2012 is nearly over, and can I just say good riddance. What year it has been. We lost a good man at our depot, don't get me wrong, he ain't dead, Richard just left for another job. In 2012 it rained, it rained a lot, and then it rained some more. Like everyone else I started the year with good intentions and full of hope. During the year I went to the gym 107 times, I attended 39 spin classes, I ran over 200 miles around the parks and the Marina, and that was without the treadmill miles and I played squash 14 times. But to balance things out I had more than my fair share of take away meals and delicious feats and I afraid I went over and way way beyond the permitted allowance of alcohol, my doctor would not approve (no doctor would)however I still weigh 2lbs less then I was this time last year. I was a bit disappointed with the 2012 Death List, there is over forty names on the list but so far only eleven people have bothered to die. Recently whilst driving through Mitcham I was accosted by a street urchin. He approached my cab and engaged me in conversation, he seemed to be under the impression he knew me, I tried to recall how I knew him but as I looked at his Man Utd track suit top and his West Ham track suit bottoms I just couldn't figure out which council estate he came from. He looked a bit hungry so I gave him the rest of the apple I was eating which brought a huge smile to his face so I also gave him a pound coin and I said don't spend it on drugs and he told me he was going to give it his mum to put on the electric key which I thought was nice. As you know I spent a lot of time coastal which isn't my favourite place, its like being on the set of a weird movie. Michael Caine said appearing in the Muppet movie was weird because you have to pretend these creatures are real but you just have trouble interacting with them. Several things tested my patience, Jaywalkers, they should be dressed in a tall hat so that you can run them over with impunity, Tom Cruise who I quite like has trouble getting on some of the rides at Disney Land some how got the part of Reacher, six foot six, chiselled, good looking and tough (yeah I don't get it either), bastard cyclists with no lights on, car drivers with their fog lights on, Posh and Becks, or as I like to call them Thick and Thin are still the nations most irritating couple and Alex Ferguson is still berating officials when they don't give the decision he wants and Ed Miliband who only took the job so his mum would notice him still looks like a security guard who has heard a noise in an empty warehouse. As the year draws to a close, I still despise Boris and Ken. I would like to wish most of you a happy new year and to those I don't like can sod off. To all my fans at home abroad (OLA WEST INTERNATIONAL)hope you all have a fantastic 2013, there will be a new Death List so suggestions are welcome, I'm off to the moon, la la la diddley dee. Please buy my E book A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, it only takes seven pounds of pressure to rip off a human ear.

GYM KNOBS

I had to work today. Admittedly the first time for a while but I still wasn't looking forward to it. I must have stopped at every station in and around London. Anyway as I was having my coffee before my first trip there was two knob heads in the crew room. One show me yours and I will show you mine. They were discussing their muscles or in my opinion, a lack of. They are a bit scrawny but seem to think they have good bodies. Their conversation flitted around training methods but the gist seemed to be that they joined a gym to letch at gorgeous fit women, apparently both their wives are mingers, unlike me who has a wonderful woman. Anyway I finished my coffee and like I said I must have stopped everywhere. As I tootled around I thought about the two jelly heads and decided to go to the gym later, I normally do a circuit class on a monday but today I felt the need to lift heavy weights. So that was my plan. My day wasn't entirely a blow out cos I bumped into the delightful Chrissy, who looked lovely as always (she is far to good for wotisname). Anyway we had a chat and she sauntered on her way. After giving my pound of flesh to the company I made it to the gym.. There were two guys preening themselves in the mirror before even working out, I left them to it and went off to do a tremendous workout (yes it was so shut up). About ten minutes later these two chaps came in and just started lifting anything and grunting like pigs trying to look macho, they always seemed to be in the way of a female making her change what she was using. Eventually these two dopes ended up on the Smith machine, a good bit of kit if you are weak and useless, but if you are just the nuts like I am you don't need to use it. Anyway one of these guys looks the hippy from Scooby Doo, it takes a real talent to be a white guy with dreadlocks, if you can't you just look trampish and this guy needs to smarten up if he wants to be a tramp. He lay on the bench with his mate as a spotter and started lifting, almost immediately he started screaming, his hair was caught in the machinery. His mate panicked and started yelping. I laughed so hard a bit of pee came out. His mate yelled at me 'stop laughing come and help' my reply was 'bollox, he is your boyfriend, you get him out' he screamed at me 'we aint gay' which made me and the now room full of onlookers laugh harder. Eventually the gym staff got Mr Dreadlocks free and his mate held him like a wounded soldier and took him to the changing rooms, as they left one of the women said 'you hold him like you are gay' and we laughed some more. I finished my workout which would ruin some men half my age and went for a shower, well fuck me these two men were still preening in the mirror, the looked at me and were about to say something but they thought better of it. I decided to shower at home, my shower is better anyway and I left. I have been using gyms for years and I hate to see people not taking it seriously, its no place for mobile phones and you shouldn't work out in jeans and street clothes. I train properly which is why I'm so healthy. If you want to muck about at getting fit use one of the free gyms the councils are putting up in parks, I know too many people who have gym memberships who don't go, its a waste of money. Here is an interesting fact, the average robin lives to be twelve years old. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week, by Ola West. La la la

FAT GOLF

I played golf today. I played golf on Thursday but it was bloody cold and even though I played well I wanted to be better. So I played golf, I was with my bestest and the weather was quite good, it was sunny and mild and and so much better than thursday. Anyway, we turned up and got ready to play. On the first hole, a par three my tee shot reached the edge of the green, a decent chip and an iffy putt followed but a super putt and I was one over. Hole number two and I hit a screamer, it went so far I needed a taxi to get to it. A second decent shot and I was on the green, a par four looked on but being a prick, I muffed it. Anyway I ended up one over. We walked to the third hole and then we saw them. A group of teenagers mucking about playing golf. As always, one or two could play but the other two were proper gimps. Two were dressed properly and the other two were in jeans, yeah, its a shit course. One of the gimpy ones was a fat kid. I don't have a problem with fat kids I just find it funny when they humiliate themselves on a sports field. The snag is, when chubster is holding me up, I get the hump. After golf I was going to have a few beers and a kebab and fat boy was playing extreme zigzag golf. He was bloody rubbish. He looked like the fat one from the Goonies movie. We asked if we could play through but they said no. I was going to smash the flash one over the head with my sand wedge but I was talked out of it. On reflection, it was probably best that I didn't go ape on the four stooges cos it would probably mean (another) night in a police cell this time non neighbour related, and I really am getting fed up with those. So me and my bestie trailed these four bastard bed stains until the ninth hole. Luckily at the ninth hole fat boy and one of the better players wanted a snack and went to the pro shop. So I followed them. Fat boy bought two burgers and a large portion of chips, his mate bought two pizza slices. I offered to buy them if they let me and my bestie play through but the flash one said no. The fat one said I should have turned up earlier and laughed. As we left the shop I held the door open and as they exited, I slammed they door and growled, "listen you pair of %unts, let us play through or I will fecking rape all of you with a nine iron". The fat one caved in straight away the other kid tried to stare me out. I got right up in his face and said, "listen bitch, let us play through or I will let your friends go and just spend the next couple of hours making you eat all the birdshit on the course" He said no again so I bitch slapped him and he cried. I took that as a yes and we played through. My game didn't improve and my bestie wiped the floor with me and my forfeit is to pay the next two times we play. It was a good day, the beer was cold, Arsenal won two nil and I am now waiting for my kebeb, (large mixed with chips hold the salad add lemon juice).Here is an interesting fact, cats have four layers of whiskers. Please buy my E book, A Clean week. la la la diddley dee everyone's gone to the moon. Boris Johnson is fat, Ken Livingston looks like a paedo and David Beckham has misspelt all his tattoes. I am not interested in the new royal baby. A big hello to our friend Richard Bailey.

REST DAY WORKING

Today was supposed to be my day off. the thing about days off is that one day is never enough and the one you have isn't long enough. I have so much to do that I was behind before I woke up. I forgot I had arranged to play squash, I had booked my car in for a service, I needed to get a part replaced on my motorbike, I have two loads of washing to do, I want to go to the market and do some shopping, I need to have a good tidy up around the house, I want to flip my mattress and amongst all that I was hoping for a gym session and to meet a mate for some beer. I put a load in the washing machine and took my car to the garage, I noticed it only has a quarter of a tank so I decided to fill up first. As I queued up to pay for the fuel I'm standing behind a young lad, the cashier looked at the kid and then looked at a wanted poster with several faces on it, he decides that this kid is on there and chases him out the shop and down the road. So that was ten minutes wasted. I drive to the garage and thanks to that fat blubbery bastard Boris Johnson, my area is plagued with roadworks so the journey took three times as long. When I got there the mechanic was out on a call out so I had to wait another twenty minutes. being a clever bastard I didn't have a coat and it was a long two mile freezing walk home. When I got home I had forgotten to switch the washing machine on so that was more time wasted. My mate Richard Bailey who I was going to meet for a drink later rang me and said he couldn't make it because he needed to go and buy new slippers. At last that gave me some time back, he can't hold his drink anyway and it gets embarrassing when he gets tipsy and starts singing Barry Manilow songs. I started dusting and very soon got bored with that so I started hovering instead and got bored with that even sooner. I rang the bike shop and they can't do my bike until the weekend which is a bummer. I emptied the washing machine and hung it out, I put a load of my sons washing in which confusingly has a pair of his girlfriends knickers in (no I didn't have a sniff)' I put the second load in and decided I had done enough so I took some steak out of the freezer for later and went to the gym. I had a massive workout and felt awesome, but my euphoria was short lived because their showers were cold. I went home via the off licence and got home smelly with 8 cans of deliciousness. I had a shower and cracked open a beer. I dumped myself on the sofa and put on a box set of The Shield. By the time I opened my fourth can I knew the rest of my day was not going to be very productive. I wasted some tissue (no not watching the shield) and sent out for a takeaway, the steak will keep until tomorrow. So that's more or less a waste of a day off. Here is an interesting fact, women on the pill blink thirty percent more than women who are not. Please buy my E.book. A clean Week. la la la

THE SWEENEY

Today I was coastal. It's not my favorite place. I am no fan of old people with ginger hair and I don't like seagulls. Anyway as luck would have it I had to have my break there and just outside the station is a cafe that sometimes has tomato sauce and sometimes doesn't. I was peckish and the two chicken rolls, packet of smokey bacon crisps and a twix hadn't filled me up so I went outside to buy a bacon and egg roll. The bloody place was closed and the sign in the window said 'gone for more butter, back in ten minutes'. I was a bit miffed but decided to go back to the crew room and have a coffee. As I walked back to the station I saw a man in his twenties carrying a surf board and as I watched him I noticed he wasn't dressed for surfing and just then a gust of wind blew him and the surf board over. I helped him to his feet and asked if he was ok and he said yeah I'm off to the pictures. I looked at my watch and it was only 09.25 so I asked whats with the surf board and he said its his mums but she doesn't use it anymore so he was dropping it off at a charity shop. I asked what film he was going to see and he said he was going to the Darby and Joan special to see The Sweeney. I told him I had seen it and that it wasn't all that great and fuck me I thought he was going to cry. He said it had taken him two weeks to get his mum to let him see it on his own and wanted it to be great. I told him I didn't think it was all that but maybe he would enjoy it. Anyway I let the silly div go on his way and I went to the crew room and made a coffee. Whilst I was there I saw a coastal bloke who I vaguely knew and we got talking. I told him about the jelly head with the surf board and about him going to see 'The Sweeney' and this guy said ' oh my God, best film ever 'I said 'you are joking' and he replied 'nah, I fooking loved it, Ray Winstone and Plan B are the best coppers ever, very realistic and bang on as to how coppers should be'. Well I nearly had a shit and dropped my coffee, I said to this guy ' are you telling me you thought the film was realistic ?. And he said ' yeah I thought it was aces' .I wanted to slap this dope but I remained calm and said 'what made you think it was realistic?' And he said the way they dished out the violence to the bad guys like the real sweeney did in the old days. I said 'listen silly bollox, cops didn't dish out baseball bat style beatings back then and they fucking sure as hell don't do it now, the character played by Plan B would never have even got through the doors of the police academy he was too thick and Ray Winstone is the same in every movie he has ever made' this muppet looked at me and said 'that's how the pigs are down here thats why we have a low crime rate in this town' I looked at him and shook my head. I said 'you have a low crime rate because this town is Gods waiting room, its full off old doddery bastards and coffin dodgers, you have two police officers and its more like a Tommy Cooper sketch living down here' He looked at me and said 'why don't you fuck off back to London we don't need your sort down here slagging us off'. I said to him 'ok I will go back to London after my break but do me a favour after I'm gone, go and see a shrink you dumb donut, I cant believe you are allowed out on your own'. I don't like it coastal, its like being on another planet. the Sweeney is an ok film but it aint great, its a waste of ninety minutes to anyone with an IQ north of sixty. Here is an interesting fact, emus are unable to walk backwards. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week. La la la

VERY ANNOYED

Today reading the Metro I am well and truly annoyed. Some low life burglar has been spared jail because some soppy old judge who is well past his sell by date has let him off if he promises to tidy his room. How the fecking hell has this been allowed to happen? This judge should instantly removed from sitting in charge of any more cases and be sent to a retirement home. We are now stuck with another scummy shitbag running around free to commit more crimes. It makes me very angry that we can jail a soldier for owning a gun that was given to him as a gift but some dirty rotten council estate cockroach can commit a multitude of sins and get a pat on the back. Also in the paper is a woman moaning that people dont give up their seats for pregnant women. I recently offered my seat to a pregnant woman and she called me a sexist. Im also annoyed because I have to work late shift next week. The world is going bloody mad and I blame everyone else but me. Here is an interesting fact, elephants cannot jump. Buy my E book, A Clean Week. La la la

DURING THE WAR

I was in the gym this morning and as I was getting changed there were two miserable middle aged guys having a moan. The first one said he could remember when men gave up their seats to ladies on buses. The second old fart said he saw a woman firefighter and thought it was outrageous that she didn't have a "real" job. The first one came back with the reply yeah I know, my grandson has become a male nurse which made the other guy laugh. The first one started complaining about youths hanging around on street corners causing mayhem and carnage and admitted that when he younger him and his mates used to hang around on corners but apart from wolf whistling at women they were usually well behaved. One of the two men then said he wished he were thirty years younger so that he could go travelling and the other guy laughed and said he travelled a lot when he was younger but he was carrying a rifle at the time in reference to his National Service. I was so glad to get changed into my gym kit. As I left the changing room I looked back and got an eye full of two crotchety men with varicose veins and liver spots, bad thinning hair wheezing as they dressed. I went into the gym and put in a powerhouse of a performance and finished with two circuits of the Marina which is about two miles. I must have done just over an hour and went to shower and fuck me those two old goats were still whinging. One was complaining about men having pedicures and his mate nodded in agreement and then said what about women posties and his friend said he hated women posties because now he can't answer the door in his pants in case he upsets the female race, and like I said this old bastard was covered in varicose veins and spots. I decided not to make myself suffer any more whinging from these two so I decided to shower at home, mine is a better shower anyway. I really hate people who live in the past, at work there are so many British Rail dinosaurs always moaning about the good old days, and how it was better when drivers were treated like Gods and punters were just mindless fish and managers were ex drivers who had lost the plot but sill knew the score when talking to drivers who had just messed up. Anyway, I am not a dinosaur and I live in the real world, I'm not very PC and I speak my (limited) mind. I want to be in charge of everything. Vote for me when the time comes la la la . Here is an interesting fact, the first person to use a cash point machine in this country was Reg Varney, a bad actor in an awful sitcom. It was shit then and its even worse now. la la la . BUY MY E.BOOK "A Clean Week". Its good.

CYCLISTS

Bloody cyclists, They really get on my tits. They are always moaning that motorists deliberately aim for them and try to knock them off their bikes, well boo fecking hoo. Ok, hands up who cares that that sideburn wearing weirdo got knocked off his bike and was injured. The silly arse has just won the Tour de France, he should have been at home humping a page three girl, not dashing around in his little lycra shorts and day-glo top showing off how fast he can go. It seems that every day on my way to work and at nearly every set of traffic lights some wally on two wheels feels the need not to stop and cause motorized vehicles to swerve and pedestrians to jump out of the way. Not one day goes by without these ignorant self absorbed silly plastic helmet wearing freaks charges out of a junction without a thought for any other road user. Why do male cyclists in their lycra shorts that are too tight, think people want to see how small their penis' are and what is with those silly shoes. Ok so Wiggins got hurt, big deal other non celebrity cyclists get hurt every day and no one bleats on about it. Wiggins was doing a bloody fair rate of knots when he hit the side of that van and famous or not I bet it hurt. Now all the skinny unhealthy looking cyclists are demand more road space and their own cycle lanes, well they can all fuck off. Learn the highway code, stick to the highway code and maybe, just maybe you will find yourselves having less accidents. I admit some drivers are totally blind and deaf and should have their driving licences shredded and their cars crushed but most of the car on bike accidents I witness the pratt in the hat is not obeying the rules of the road. Riding a bike should and could be great fun but some of those who ride think its some kind of war and don't you think its a bit of a coincidence that whenever BBC's Panarama sticks a camera on some twats helmet and sends him out to try and prove a point, he always ends up in the gutter after trying to play chicken with a bus. What about those cyclists who are too afraid to ride on the road and hurtle about on pavements, it should be legal to shove a lead pipe in their spokes. I saw one women recently on a bike, she had one child in front of her, one child towed behind her and one on her back, for fuck sake woman, buy a car or take the bus, those kids looked well afraid. Boris bikes are ugly. Here is an interesting fact,Andy Garcia was a Siamese twin. la la la

CLIVE DUNN

It would be remiss of us not to take a moment and acknowledge the passing of a comedy great, Clive Dunn. He was in a show called Dads Army and as a youngster I didn't find it funny but now that I am old enough to probably join the Home Guard I find it very amusing. There were many funny scenes with some very fine actors and the two phrases 'dont panic' and 'they don't like it up em' remain two of the very best. Clive died aged 92 which aint bad by any means. We all thought he played a doddery old buthcer turned killing machine very well but in reality he was only 48 when he played Jonesy. I can't believe some soppy dumb TV executive wants to make a new Dads Army film and have Captain Mainwaring played by a woman. No disrespect to the sisterhood but its a bloody stupid idea. There is no way a new Dads Army film should be made.. Interesting fact the Humming Bird is the only bird that can fly backwards!!!

TODAYS NONSENSE NEWS

Today in the paper two or three stories caught my eye. They caught my eye because of how absurd they were. It never ceases to amaze me that some people are so fecking up their own arse that they get a mention in the media. Story number one is about this silly blithering idiot in some remote village up north is moaning that the local dairy is importing German milk. Even though the milk is of a better quality and is cheaper he is moaning because there is no markings on the bottles 'warning' people that the milk is German. What drives people to become so insular that something so banal takes over their life? This guy obviously has no friends and is just being ridiculous for the hell of it. To me its a non story. Story number two and even dafter than the first is the council that is giving unemployed people free spray tans to boost their confidence (Richard doesn't need to apply). How fecking stupid is that? Instead of giving spray tans, help these work shy dole money grabbing losers a job. I can see it's clearly the type of person who is out of work but wants to walk around with a fake tan, the same jelly headed bimbo who watches TOWIE and shops at Iceland. What a waste of money. Personally when one of these fake tanned idiots turned up for their dole money I would say you have a tan you can obviously afford a holiday and stop their benefits. Story number three is about a 12 year old boy (nothing to do with Jimmy Saville) who had 80 pence and tried to buy a poppy and the daft bugger selling them refused because he said 80 pence was not enough. Well the British Legion website clearly states that no donation is too small so this over officious dimwit should be removed from his post as a seller. Now come to my favourite story about a subject I'm passionate about, obesity or as I call it fat people who blame others. This 15 year old thirteen stone boy is moaning that he is fat because junk food adverts are so good. Yep, you heard me, junk food adverts are so good. He likes the colours and the music and the good natured messages about getting quick meals. He claims he hasn't liked any forms of sport since he was five. Well listen up fatty, you ain't obese you are fat. Fat fat fat. You have no friends because they are all out doing sporty things and you are fat. The only way to get him out of the house is to spread butter around the door frame and dangle a chocolate cake at him. There was no picture of his parents but my guess is a pair of heffers. If all these bleeding heart tree hugging sandal wearing carrot crunching bearded weirdos stopped telling fat people its not their fault its a society problem maybe we can get back to taking the piss out of them until they slim down. It amazes me that they can charge you on airplanes for excess luggage but a big fat dumptruck taking up two seats and making the plane tilt pays the same for a ticket. If I was in charge....... Well you know the rest la la la , here is an interesting fact, the bones of a pigeon weigh less than its feathers. (keep you chin up RB)

UNIFORMITY

Uniforms, don't you just love em. They are rarely flattering and even more rarer they make you look sexy or macho, unless of course you are a soldier or a fireman. The uniform I have to wear along with my colleagues is a very unsexy piece of kit. it is a horrible colour, it is unpractical and has a bloody logo all over it so there is no way I can sneak around without people knowing who I work for. Having said that, I'm quite fit and healthy and I carry myself with some aplomb, unlike that daft guy who got himself photographed asleep on the job. I don't know the whole story but the picture has him bang to rights, empty your locker bye bye you mug. However, what I want to ask is this, if a punter starts a row with me and ends up on the floor after I have hit him back, why do I lose my job just because I was in uniform? If someone hits me surely its only natural to hit back. What I'm wearing should not matter. Many of my colleagues have been fired for retaliation purely on the fact they were in uniform. If some chinless wonder in a suit has the hump cos the train is late and he missed a company piss up and assaults me surely its within my rights to defend myself regardless of what I'm wearing. Oh no, apparently not. If I'm in uniform and someone assaults me, I'm supposed to run away and seek help or refuge. For those of you who know me, you know that if someone hits me, win lose or draw I'm hitting back. We get issued with spit kits and are told if someone spits on you, take a swab and hand it to the police and if that person has a record they will be found. I'm sorry but if someone spits on me they will definitely be found, on the bloody floor where I've knocked them out. Its not right that someone can have a barney with anyone anywhere who wears a uniform and the uniform wearer gets the sack or at the very least severely reprimanded. I think both parties should be treated the same in uniform or not. Can I just ask any hotheaded member of the public who likes to intimidate people because they are in uniform that one day they might just pick on the wrong person. Things happen for different reasons and trains are late for many reasons, so before you turn into Billy Big Balls and start attacking a member of staff, just remember....sometimes we bite back. Oh and another thing, this dirty trick of taking photos of people at work supposedly not doing their job properly,and posting it on twitter, bloody well stop it, its cowardly and uncalled for you dirty sneaky cowardly trouble making piece of flotsam. Here is an interesting fact,the Vauxhall Nova didn't sell well in Mexico because over there Nova translates as "won't go". la la la

FISH SUPPER

I was just about to enjoy a nice bacon and egg sandwich in a coastal crew room, the guy next to me looks like he has a cat stuck in his mouth, he has such a terrible beard. Its just gone 8 am and im going to tell you his side of a conversation he just had. I dont know what the other person said so I will just put dots in instead. Here we go. 'Hello love........oh did I wake you? I'm sorry its just that I'm hungry and I'm wondering whats for supper..........yes I have my sandwiches but if I eat those now I will have nothing at dinner time ......yes I have some money on me but I want to buy some shoe polish and a hot water bottle..........no two blankets ain't enough...........fish?? For supper?? But its thursday...........oh ok then yes I will come straight home after work.......kissy kissy. This guy put his phone away and looked at me, he shook his head and said 'sometimes I think my mum hates me' I swear this is true. And you wonder why I dont like it coastal. Here is an intersting fact, penguins only have sex twice a year. ( how said is that ) la la la

EARLY MORNING MORONS

Ashley Cole is an idiot and I don't like David Beckham. That has nothing to do with what I'm about to say. I have said it before and I am saying it again , I wish jay walking was a crime in this country. This morning as I drove down the Old Kent Road I nearly ran over some drunk bimbo stumbling out of some night club and she tripped over in her ridiculously high (but very sexy) shoes. The silly bitch dropped her handbag and the bottle of drink she was carrying. I would normally just run these daft bastards over and think nothing of it but I was on my motorbike which I love dearly  and I don't want some silly sods DNA splashed over my bikes engine. If that wasn't bad enough I got to the Elephant and Castle and again a stream of dumb arse jay walkers tried to cross the road weaving in between buses and illegal mini cabs and caused bloody chaos. These are the drunken tossers who take no responsibility for their own actions and then when they injure themselves and probably others as well they run screaming to a lawyer for some compensation money. I hate these dopey people. They walk around in their own gaga land and don't look around. They walk up to a pedestrian crossing and instead of waiting for cars to stop they just step out and cause mayhem. Well from now on I refuse to play their silly games. I will no longer take avoidance measures. I will just bowl these jellyheads over. I don't give a rats arse anymore, I'm rich I can afford to buy a new car and I do love my bike but if some spannerface gets in my way I will just learn to love my new bike that my insurance company will pay for. Its  not rocket science. Walking outside is as easy as breathing. Whats annoying is that these dopes live in this country. Its not as if I can even blame gormless tourists who don't know what a pavement is or how to use one. If and when I'm in charge of this wonderful city I will make it mandatory learning at school and at airports and ferry ports there will be a walking test before letting anyone in. Rant over. Vote for me, you know it makes sense. La la la . Here is an interesting fact, The Queen does not have or need a passport.

JIMMY SO VILE

Allegedly, Jimmy Saville was a paedo. Several people have come out after his death and have made claims that Jimmy was a kiddie fiddler. I don't doubt for one second that some of these claims are true, however why the hell did none of these people make these claims whilst the weirdo was alive? He was obviously a bit strange. He wore shell suits when they were fashionable and made them look unfashionable. He wore such crap jewellery you couldn't get cheaper at Argus. He held a cigar but never smoked it and he lived with his mum. Yes the weird looking man lived with his mum. That alone tells you what sort of grown man lives with his mum, especially when you have his kind of money. Don't get me wrong, I never liked him. I never watched his shows, back then and even today I hate the show Top Of The Pops, and he was a shite DJ. But my question is why did no one say something when the freak was alive and could defend himself. Just like that ugly ginger girl who said she was his love child? Why not speak up when he was around to be confronted. I must say its a bit suspect that all these people are saying Jimmypaed touched them up three weeks after the press revealed he left an estate worth three million quid. That nurse who claims she told her boss should have told the police and/or anyone who would listen so I think she is responsible for Jimmypaed getting away with it. They say he was a powerful man, was he fuck, he was on telly, that's all he did, its not like he was a senior police man who back in the 70's and 80's could fit you up and have you put away. Jimmypaed is buried so that he can face his beloved Leeds football club, personally I think that's a punishment in itself but if he is found guilty I would dig him up and turn him around to face fuck all. I think he will be found guilty all he can't speak for himself now and I think he didn't act alone but I'm sure those at the BBC who knew will cover up their involvements. My concern is the compensation that will be paid out, the will be a huge change at the Beeb and I'm worried that the TV licence will go up. Freddy Starr has been linked with this story, again a person who was supposed to be funny and charitable turns out to be a kiddie fiddler. If we look back in history lots of clowns and people who pretend to do it for the children tend to be nonce's. I'm not tarring all do gooder's with same brush but we need to a much closer harder look when people say they want to work with children.I went to a Freddie Starr show once, it was billed as a comedy, talk about laugh, I thought I would never start. This story has a lot more mileage and I'm sure the truth will come out but I want to say to any vulnerable people, if some one does you a wrong un tell someone, tell everyone and don't wait until the person dies, if that person is rich and famous scream out loud until you ruin them. If you are a parent of one of these alleged victims and you were told but did nothing I hope you get anal cancer. Sorry for my rant but this story is shameful as shameful as Jimmypaeds hair and tracksuits la la la. Here is an interesting fact, swans are the only birds that have penises.

DONT BE SAUCY

Today I was coastal. As most of you know its not my favourite place, the weather was miserable the station was miserable the people are miserable, even the ones that act normal looked miserable. I was peckish , outside the station is a sandwich bar and I went in. The guy behind the counter looked like a Welsh Benny Hill ( he reminded me of Benny Hill and sounded Welsh ). He said good morning and told me everything on the menu was two pence off until twelve o clock. Unless he was a really slow cook I was about to save two pence. I ordered a breakfast bap he said to me ' breakfast bap, sausage bacon and egg £ 3.35 but until twelve its £3.33 to you' I said thank you and off he waddled.  A few minutes later he came back with my bap and asked ' do you want some salt and pepper on this?  I said no. He asked if I wanted brown sauce and I said ' no thanks I like it plain' he said ' oh go on, plain is boring, have some mayonnaise' I said no, he said ' how about some french dressing? I said no. He said ' what about some nice salad cream to zap your taste buds' again I said no. He said ' go on be adventurous' so I said ' ok I will have a dollop of tomato sauce ' He said ' oh im sorry im all out, try something else' I said ' ok I will have some ketchup' he looked at me and said quite sternly ' I TOLD  YOU IM ALL OUT' so I replied ' AND I bLOODY TOLD YOU I wANTED IT PLAIN ' He wrapped the bap and shoved it across the counter, I handed him £3.35. He tried to give me two pence change but I said ' keep it and put it towards a bottle f sauce' and I left. In the crew room I made a cup of coffee and took a bite of the bap, it lacked a certain something so in the kitchen I put some salt and pepper on it. It tasted better. Not great, better. When he was alive I never ever found Benny Hill funny. Here is an interesting fact, to keep cool flamingos urinate on their legs. Uurgh. La la la diddly dee, everyones gone to the moon

COASTAL COWS

I shit you not, I'm in a coastal crew room and three men are sitting swapping cow stories. I have on occasion of heard one maybe two people swapping stories but there are three grown spud heads telling each other their experiences with a half ton of beef. One guy and I swear I'm not making this up he said he was cycling through the country lanes in Bexley, (he did say it was many years ago) and he heard a cow fart and it scared him so much he fell off his bike and broke his right wrist. Muppet number two said he was cycling through France (I hate the French) and he said he was going down hill very fast with his wife dragging far behind him and when he reached the bottom he sat on what he thought was a rock to have a cigarette til she caught up but the rock turned out to be a large lump of cow shit and he sank into it and it covered his whole back and legs. Silly spud number three has just told how he took his 7 year old grandson rambling and the kid thought it would be funny to chase some calfs which was funny until mummy cow got the hump and head butted the little brat and when silly spud number three tried to rescue the kid, as he ran towards the boy he slipped in some cow pooh and received a face full of shit. Why oh why would anyone tell some one they had a face full of cow shit (or any shit for that matter) is beyond me but these three do look and sound like rejects from a Jeremy (smug bastard) Kyle show. These three wallies have told about nine stories between them and none of them end well and all of them involve being covered in shit. I was once in a cow situation but its a suppressed memory, very deeply suppressed and you will never ever know how it ended. I would like to say that I won and I still have the jacket but that would be a lie so the memory will stay hidden in my memory vaults for ever. I will one day confess all my sins after all thats what death beds are for but every time I get coastal I am reminded how lucky I am to be bald and not ginger. One of these dimwits said he is vegetarian because of his experience with a cow. If anything, if a cow caused me to end up like these three I would eat as many as I could. Don't get me wrong, I love animals but they are so much nicer covered in gravy and served with chips. Here is an interesting fact, babies are born without kneecaps, the kneecaps don't deveop until the child is about two years old. La la la.

LEAVE ME ALONE

I hate being pestered by idiots. I also hate idiots asking daft questions. There we were in a restaurant standing by the 'please wait to be seated' sign, and we had been there about 7 or 8 minutes when this spotty crazy haired guy who had been giving us the evil eye sauntered over to us and said 'would you like a table? I nearly said no thanks we like eating standing up but I kept my cool (which as you know, thats not always easy for me) . He then looked us up and down then asked, 'table for two is it?' again I nearly said said no we would like a table for six but I kept schtum and just nodded. Spotty led us to a very small tucked away table  and as we sat down he asked another fecking stupid question, he said ' would you like a menu?' that was it, I said  'no, we will just make up our own menu'. He didn't find this amusing and replied, 'I have to ask cos some people just want a drink'. I said, 'if I just wanted a drink I would stand at the bar, but cos I'm hungry I stood at the wait to be seated sign waiting to be showed to a table, a table I might add for two people as there is only two of us, and now that we are sitting at a table yes we want to see a menu so we know what food you have to offer'. I added 'you wanker' very quietly and he didn't hear me. I know its risky having a pop at the staff because one doesn't want to find snot and spit in the salad but I remember when catering staff looked clean and dressed properly. This mob all looked like a cross between David Bowie and Gary Newman. Anyway we ordered our meals, we both chose steak and they looked nice and tasted ok but the enjoyment was spoiled by an endless stream of pain in the arse staff coming over and asking if everything was ok. After about the sixth time I answered 'no, everything is not alright'. Spotty looked horrified and asked what the problem was. I said to him 'every time I take a bite, my steak gets smaller'. It tooks a few seconds for him to register then he walked away. Seconds later the manager came along. I say 'manager' because that was what his name badge said but this fool had a grey shirt and red tie and both were covered in what looked like minestrone soup. He asked if we had a problem and I said yes we are fed up with being interupted during our meal. Soup boy said it was how the staff are trained and its all part of customer service. I told him that we were discussing a drug deal and didn't want people over hearing where we stash our gear. Soup boy looked at me then said ' very funny sir' and walked away. We decided we wanted to leave so I motioned for the check, you know by waving my hand in the air and whispering 'check please'. Well fuck me not one of the dozy idiots wanted to know and none of them came over to us. So we sat there for a few minutes and the I stood up and approached one of the staff and said 'bring the bill or call the police, your choice but we are leaving' he looked a bit scared and said 'we have a panic button' I replied ' the check or the police your choice' luckily the manager was watching and came over. I paid the bill and did not leave a tip. I won't be going back there any time soon. It really gets on my man boobs when in a restaurant, and they all seem to be guilty, of constantly pestering you while you try to eat.I know I sound miserable but thats because I am. Here is an intersting fact, the human brain stops growing at 18 years old. La la la

TRAINS AND CABBAGES

No, the title is not about what you think it is. It has nothing to do with the Cripolymps. I am having my break coastal and as you all know its not my favourite place to be. Regardless of all the six fingered ginger haired people high sixing each other, I find it a bit banal and tedious down here. I'm sitting in the crew room trying to enjoy a decent cup of coffee and some chocolate Hob nobs and there various conversations are making it hard for me to relax and enjoy. One spanner has just said that the cabbages he planted several months ago (albeit they are a bit on the small size) are the tastiest he has grown in two years. The jellyhead he is talking to answered that with 'I found a cabbage on a train once, it was in a Tesco bag, so I took it home and gave it to the wife'. I mean come on, how riveting is that conversation. Across the room one old timer is moaning that the no smoking ban is ruining his health. The fact that he can't smoke in a cab is causing him to be stressed and that it is causing him to be negligent in looking after his Koi carp in his garden. The cleaner came in and demanded to know who had used his mop and bucket because it wasn't where he left it yesterday and another person is moaning that the trains appear dirtier than usual. I went into the tv room but I just don't want to watch a show about cemetaries, and yet there are seven people, male and female transfixed by the show and its descriptions of grave stones and how to look after grave stones and how to ensure that your grave stone says the right thing about you in thee afterlife. I don't care what mine will say, probably, some smart arse will put 'here lies fat dead bloke' I really don't care as long  as I am dead and not buried alive. I don't know if I believe in the afterlife but If there is one I hope there are no spiders there cos I hate spiders and  Heaven is supposed to be your own private Utopia. Back in the other room the cabbage man is trying to sell his small but tasty cabbages but no one wants any. This is because in the Co.op along the road from here you can get larger ones cheaper. Its not nice being coastal, even those who live coastal don't like it here. The guy who claims to have found a cabbage once has asked for a free cabbage and if his wife decides that it is really tasty he will consider buying one a month. Good grief my sanity is being tested today. Still never mind, only ten more years to go. Here is an interesting fact, the enamel on your teeth is the strongest substance in a human body. La la la

COASTAL SPIDERS

Today I was coastal. I had my break in a very small room. It's not a crew room but it is an officially designated place to have a break. You have to go down some gloomy stairs to get to this room. Its like a dungeon on the ground floor. The walls need a coat of paint,there is one small table and three tatty chairs, the lino is full of holes and cigarette burns, the bin hasn't been emptied in ages, the windows are dirty, there is hot water to make tea or coffee but no cold water for drinking and it smells like an old Frenchman. Don't laugh, those are its good points. I put my bag on the table and was going to make a coffee when I saw a massive (yes it was honest) spider on the floor. I didn't panic, I picked up a phone book, (why is there a phone book in a room with no phone?) and I slammed it down on the spider then stamped on the book twice, job done no problem. I went to the toilet and the dead spider must have had a brother cos on the wall was another spider just like it. I can't pee when I'm being watched and there was no phone book in the loo so being clever I picked up the toilet brush and whacked the spider. The spider stuck to the brush and it looked like it was still moving so I put the brush down the loo. I had my pee and pulled the chain. Again the damn spider looked still alive so I took the Harpic bottle from the window sill and emptied it in the loo to poison the spider, I'm hard I didn't care. I went back in the room to make my coffee and as I was filling my cup I heard a noise. I looked up and there on the dirty dust covered window was another bloody spider trying to get in through the air vent. I thought 'sod this, I'm off' I filled my cup, grabbed bag and left. I opened the door and fuck me there was a spider (not really big but still a spider) on the third step blocking my path to safety. So, again I didn't panic, I shout 'look over there, a sexy spider with no clothes on' and while the spider was distracted, I ran past up the stairs. When I reached the top I looked round and saw the spider was angry at being tricked, I laughed at it and walked away. As I was standing on the platform drinking my cooffee what did I see on the tracks? no not another spider but a bloody large rat. I threw my coffee at it and it ran off. I don't like ginger hair and I hate spiders. God knows how I would react if I saw a ginger haired spider. Here is an interesting fact, Russ Abbott was asked to appear in the film The Full Monty and turned it down, the part went to Tom Wilkinson. Russ Abbott said turning the role down was the biggest mistake of his career. (silly bald bastard ) la la la

MOVIES CRISPS AND TUNA

I'm in a crew room, not a coastal one and the conversations being held are not inspiring. Firstly, I'm sitting next to one overweight mong who is eating a family size bag of salt and vinegar crisps. He has just told everyone in the room that an article in todays Metro has stated it healthy to eat a Mars bar once a week. This cretin, on top of his ginormous bag of crisps has three mars bars and is washing them down with Irn Bru. Across the room is a complete spazoid who is tucking into two tins of Tuna that he bought last week and forgot they were in his bag, he is washing this down with tomato soup from the vending machine. They are talking across the room about the new Batman movie. They both thought it was a fantastic movie. They are both looking forward to the film Expendables 2. I have seen the Batman movie and I thought it was too long and didn't have enough Batman in it. I don't intend to watch Expendables 2. I have seen the movie Ted and although I chuckled a little bit  it was not the laugh out loud film they said it would be. So my break is not turning out to be a good one. The fact that I disagree with them about good and bad films is one thing but the room smells like a cross between a fish market and a toilet in an old folks home. The fact that these two jellyheads are talking with their mouths open is visually disgusting and the fatter of the two is getting most of it down the front of his shirt. I might not be coastal but it sure feels like it. Here is an interesting fact, you can lead a cow up some stairs but you can't lead it down. La la la

COASTAL CASHPOINTS

I am coastal today and as you know its not my favourite place to be.  I just went to a cashpoint machine and tried to get £30 pounds out. The machine said only denominations of £20 were being dispensed so I tapped in £40 and the bloody machine gave me four ten pound notes. I don't like it coastal, it's weird, strange, odd and daft down here. And there are people with ginger hair everywhere.

GOOD FILMS BAD FILMS

I can't believe that some jerk decided to remake the film The Three Stooges. This abomination of a so called comedy is purely for an American market, and it proves they aint funny and don't know what comedy is. sadly, in the remake, there are two actors I really like. It has changed they way I see them now. I don't know where this conference room is where all the tv bigwigs sit around and decide what films to make. I have yet to see a remake that is anywhere as good as the original. One of the funniest characters of all time is Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau. What did those jellyheads decide to do? remake it and put that totally unfunny Steve Martin in the lead role. I don't blame him but he is not funny and he fucked it right up. Before he destroyed the great character of Inspector Clouseau they let him loose on another great character, and guess what he did to that? yep thats right he fucked it right up. Two super funny films with two enigmatic characters and Steve Martin and the men behind him sullied the memory. I don't think in the history of films has a remake been any good. The Italian Job was a fantastic film, mark Wahlberg took the money and ruined it. Sadly, if they had called the film something else, it wouldn't have been a bad film. Get Carter, nailed to perfection by Sir Michael Caine, what did Sly Stallone do? yep, he brought his usual A game as an actor and ruined it. there so many good films out there but they should be left alone. Let me list a few films that should never have been made.....Inspector Gadget..Thunderbirds...The Flintstones.... Jaws 3D...... Garfield...Police Academy (3 onwards)...Rambo (3 onwards)....Rocky ( 3 onwards).....Godfather Three....Spice Girls the Movie...Ghost Rider with Nicholas Cage.....The Batman film with Arnie Sweatynickers....Terminator Three...... Die Hard 4.......The Cable Guy.....Mask Two.....and any film with Dolph Lundgren Jean Claude Van Damme Jason Statham (being American) Bob Hoskins (being American) Steve Martin, Steve Guttenberg, JimCarrey, Steven Segal, I have to stop cos there are too many to carry on. In short people, what is annoying me is the amount of crap films being churned out. Currently, the new film out is Expenables 2, will I watch it? yes, I watched the first Expendable film and thought it was rubbish. I watched it sober, it was crap. I got drunk and watched it again, it was still crap. I will watch the new one to see if it is possible to be crappier. I already know the answer judging by the "stars" in the film. Please get me elected and I will sort out the film industry. Here is an interesting fact, did you know we throw away over 100 million tons of tomato ketchup that's still left in the bottom the bottle each year? la la la

BANKS

I think the banking industry is run by a bunch of bastards. I think people who work in banks are also a bunch of bastards. I am glad they are currently getting bad press, I'm glad that they have to work on a saturday and and I'm glad their uniforms look cheap and nasty. I keep getting letters from my bank. I bank with Halifucked sorry I mean Halifax. They keep offering me things I don't want and stuff I don't need. Their one plus point is that the informed me that someone 'may' have tried to clone my credit card and it would be advisable to have a new one. So I agreed to a new card but could I possibly keep the same pin number. They said it would be no problem and that a new card would be with me in a few days and I should use it straight away and cut up the old one. So a few days later I received my new card and went to the shop to use it. The shop machine said  'card declined'. The shopkeeper was dubious and wouldn't let me use my old one. So I went to the cash point and tried the new card and the machine said wrong pin number. I called the bank and they assured me that it was the same number but as I had now tried it my old one was defunct. They advised me to 'activate' the new card in my branch. So like a wally I went to my branch, I took both cards, a letter from them saying I was getting a new card and the letter that came with the new card saying use it immediately and dispose of the old one, I also took my driving licence and passport. After queuing up behind a bunch of bastard time wasting pensioners either putting in or taking out just enough money for a tin of cat food, I finally got my go. The witch behind the counter had a face like broken plate and an attitude that made me think she was sitting on wet cold rice pudding anyway I explained why I was there and that I would like to activate the new card. She asked me why I had a new card so I told her, she asked me why I still had my old card so I told her that I had not cut it up yet. She looked confused and seemed irritated with me. I showed her the letter saying it should be the same pin number and she tapped on her computer and then said it should be. She took my card and swiped it then told me it should be ok to use in about thirty minutes. She took the old one and shredded it. I needed some money so I asked her to give me a hundred pounds. She swiped my card but it had not registered yet. She told me to wait and then use the cash machine. I looked at the queue for the cash machine and it was about forty people long so I asked her if I could take some from her. She looked aghast but asked for ID. I told her she had my card but showed her the two letters but it wasn't enough so I showed her my driving licence and passport. The bastard witch asked for a utility bill. I asked what for and the crone said 'its the rules' I tried explaining about the transaction we had just been doing but she still wanted a bill. I told her to call a manager and this big fat spotty faced woman waddled over and asked what was wrong. I told her my card wasnt activated and I was trying to get some money out and fuck me this elephant asked for a utility bill too. I am sorry but I went bloody beserk. Yes I caused a scene, I shouted and stomped and threw stuff and told them to 'call the police' but I wasn't leaving without my money. Luckily the security guard who up til now had been asleep in the broom cupboard (probably) sauntered up and said he could vouch for my identity. The fat bitch manager didn't like this idea but the guard said that if she wanted me thrown out she would have to help cos  'I looked a bit angry' yes the police came and yes I explained all this to two bored policewomen but yes I got my money. All you bankers out there are bastards. Just like Boris and Ken. La la la . Here is an interesting fact, every year we throw away over 100 million tubes of toothpaste with paste still in the tube. Vote for me

COASTAL COCKNEY

I am coastal today and for once the weather aint minging. I had only just entered the crew room and made myself a coffee when this jellyhead said 'there's one' . I didn't look up but as I opened my book a shadow loomed over me and this berk was standing there, he was about 40 years old and looked like he was dressed by his mother. I know I shouldn't have but Ieventually looked at him and said 'yes ??' and he replied 'all right me old mucker, Big Ben, pie and mash, apples and pears, lets go down the frog and toad, luvly jubbly'. I wasnt in the mood so I said ' fuck off nut case' , he looked a bit sad and said don't be like that, I'm going up to London and I'm practicing the local lingo' I took a sip of my coffee and said 'I've got news for you, you freak, I don't know where you get your information from, but no one, NO ONE in London speaks like that, if I were you I would go back home and hide under the bed until the men in white coats stop looking for you' he swore at me and walked away. I was enjoying my coffee when a scrunched up ball of paper landed on the table in front of me. I looked up and they jellyhead said ' I'm still going up London'  I replied, 'my next door neighbour has a cat' he looked bewildered and asked, 'whats that got to do with anything? So I said  'my front door is blue' . He just didn't know what to say.  A few minutes later he said acroos the room, 'I had a cat years ago, it was a tabby' again I put my coffee down and asked, 'do you live alone? He answered yes, I said 'let me guess, the cat died or ran away' he paused for a moment then said ' the cat died'  I said, 'cat suicides are quite common when a wally lives alone'. He swore at me again.  I finished my coffee and was washing the cup when jellyhead asked me 'wheres the best place to get a drink in London? I replied, 'if you want a coffee go to a cafe, if you want a pint go to a pub' he was really angry with me now and started yelling that I was unfriendly. I told him that I wasn't being unfriendly but my parents had warned me not to talk to strange men. He thought about it for a while then left the room. After he had gone two people came in and said 'thank fuck he has gone, he gets on our tits, he is so boring' I looked at them and yawned, then I left the room. I really don't like having my breaks coastal la la la here is an interesting fact, Harold Wilson was a keen yachtsman and had a boat called 'Morning Cloud' . Vote for me

BRITISH SUMMER

After several months of grotty rainy days, the sun is finally here. I love summer in England, its my favourite week of the year. The need for people to wrap up in jumpers and coats has gone and people can get their skimpy summer clothes out. The appearance of the sun puts a smile on peoples faces and a spring in their ssteps. Women seem to wear almost nothing. Im not a perv but let me tell you about my day yesterday. I had to book on at silly o clock and after parking up I was crossing the concourse and saw two women who had obviously been out clubbing. One was wearing a pair of tight blue shorts with her arse cheeks showing, she had long legs and a nice pair of sandals, a blue lace top with a black bra showing through. Her friend was wearing a short beige leather skirt, I say skirt but it was more like a belt, she had a silk black black blouse and obviously no bra and high heels. Im no perv but yes I stares longer than I should have. After booking on I was crossing the concourse and these two women were gone. In their place was this stunning looking woman in her forties. She looked like Joan Collins in her prime. She wore a lovely two piece grey skirt and jacket with a purple shirt unbuttoned to the cleavage, she had red lipstick on ( I love red lipstick on a woman ), she obviously uses a gym she looked great. As I walked along the platform there was a group of young girls , about eight of them and im no perv but they all looked like jail bait. They all wore tight shorts and tight T shirts. They  didnt dress like that when I was at school which was handy cos I went to an all boys school. When I arrived at my destination there was a woman buying a coffee. She had tight jeans on which showed her firm arse and a cropped top which showed of her flat stomach. Im no perv but I was getting a stiffy.. When I got back I was again walkin across the concourse and I saw a woman who was about twenty ish and she was bending over and showing her long legs and her firm bum, it was lovely. When I got to the crew room, I saw my good mate Bretty. He didnt look too good and I asked him what was wrong. He told me he had messed up earlier. He was coming into a station and saw a stunningly beautiful woman who reminded him of Jessica Rabbit ( yeah I thought that was a bit weird too). He said he stopped the train and gawped at her. He said it was two or three minutes before he realised he hadnt opened the doors. Luckily he wasnt reported for it. We spent the rest of the break drinking coffee and staring out the window pointing out stunners to each other. It was one of the best breaks I have ever had. After my break I was again walking across the concourse and I saw this couple holding hands. He was a tall good looking guy in a smart expensive suit, a full head of hair and all his own teeth ( I hated him instantly . She was wearing a tight figure hugging red dress. Im no perv but I had the urge to club her on the head and drag her away like a caveman. I kept walkin and was getting a head ache from staring at all the flash on display. Im no perv but I love summer. I hope it lasts a whole lot longer. Here is an interesting fact, did you know in the musical My Fair Lady, Rex Harrison didnt actually do any singing? La la la

WE WON'T BE ANY BUSIER.... HONEST

Our management have said all along since it was announced that London will host the Olympics that we won't be any busier in passenger numbers. The have been saying that we will cope easily and everything will be fine, but just to be on the safe side, we will take on extra staff and implement extra training. Really??. Where are the extra staff and when does the training begin?
So far all they have done is move some staff from one post to another and the training consists of leaflets explaining that everyone should do their bit and "go the extra mile". Well my friends let me tell how it is.
The opening ceremony starts today. This morning at silly o'clock when I booked on, there were several coach loads of people mooching about before the station had even opened. The first service to leave the station was heaving with people unsure as to where they were going. When I arrived coastal which is never pleasant, there were shed loads of bewildered people all trying to make their way into London. All day, drivers and conductors and platform staff have been over run with additional numbers of people asking questions. Sometimes new different questions and sometimes the same questions they always ask. trust me when I say we WILL be busier. We are busy everyday and now with this extra million people a day they hope will come into our Capital, only those people on the top shelf don't think we will be busier or unable to cope, the rest of us in the sock drawer know that the next few weeks are going to be a very hectic and arduous time. If it goes well, it will because of the hard work and spirit of those on the front line. I know we will cope cos we are a tough bunch. We will make it work despite the best efforts of those in the ivory tower who will be MIA.  Here is an interesting fact, cows are the only animals that are retro mingent. Boris Johnson is a fat David Beckham. la la la

BEGGARS WITH MONEY

I was at a cash point machine today and I took out twenty pounds. The machine gave me two tenners. No sooner had I retrieved the cash a beggar said 'spare me a quid guv ' . This struck me as strange cos he was talking cockney and I'm coastal. I showed him the two tenners and replied 'yeah course I will have you got change for a ten pound note? He swore at me and walked away. He then asked a women to lend him a pound for a cup of tea but she fucked him off as well. I followed this manky smelling bloke for about ten minutes and watched as he approache loads of people and asked for money. He asked for money so that he could get a cup of tea, he asked for money for a sandwich, he asked for money for the bus home and he asked for money for a bed for the night. After about ten minutes he saw me and came up to me and said 'hello mate, can you lend me a pound?' I replied, ' yeah sure but you already owe me a pound from last time' he looked a bit puzzled so I said 'you remember, it was last week when you came up and said you wanted a pound for the bus home and I gave you a pound?' He still looked puzzled then said 'er yeah I remember, but I'm having a bad week, I will pay you back'  I put my hand in my pocket and took out a load of change and his eyes lit up. I seperated about four one pound coins and put the rest back. He said 'are those for me?' I said 'no they fucking aint, I'm going in the cafe for a bacon and egg roll, you are welcome to stand outside and watch me eat it though' he swore at me so I said 'listen wanker, if you want to beg on the streets it helps if you don't wear expensive trainers now fuck off and get a job you dirty kent' he looked down at his feet then walked away, the sandwich was delicious. La la la

BLACK AND WHITE TRAINS

I'm coastal today. Even though the sun is finally shining its not as nice here as you think. I am trying to have my break. I bought a lovely breakfast bap but this arsehole next to me is being a pain in the neck. He is watching old route learning films on his laptop and they are dated from the thirties. I aint interested in todays trains let alone relics from the thirties. The thing is he keeps shouting out 'here come and look at this, its an old signal box' or  he shouts 'oooh you don't see those anymore' of course you don't see those any more cos its fecking two thousand and twelve you prick. The thing is, I have no interest in what he is watching so he gets his fat hairy arse off the chair and plonks his laptop under my nose and expects me to feign interest. I have told him to fack off twice and I have pretended to be on the phone for an hour and this knobhead still tries to get my attention. Several other people have stood around him ooohing and arghing and I must confess that for just a nano second I nearly had a look but once this rednecks get a grip on you, you're stuck in their twilight zone and every time you have a coastal break, they think you are part of the family and want to high six you when they see you. Who in their right mind watches these very old route learning films? Where do you buy them and why oh why would you even want to? I'm happy being an ignorant git from London and you coastal types can can keep your gas lamps and real ales and home made pies made from real meat still with animal hair and the teeth in. We in London have something called electrity (when its working) and colour telly, yes you heard, colour telly. So forgive me for not being nostalgic but in all honesty, you bore me. La la la

DAMN THOSE BLOODY LANES

Boris Johnson is a turd. He has commissioned some Olympic lanes that only the great and the good can use. In a few days time our roads in London, which at the moment are chocka fecking block during the rush hour, will be streamlined to allow the athletes to whizz past us mere mortals so they can get to their designated places where they can show us how not to win medals. I don't see why they need their own special lanes. The wonderful clever Levi had a good suggestion. In fact she had two. First she suggested, let them use the bus lanes, and secondly she suggested, why don't the vehicles transporting them have sirens. Make them use the roads like everyone else and if for some reason they are running late, they can turn on the sirens and circumvent the traffic like an emergency vehicle. Surely the cost of fitting sirens would be far cheaper than painting special lanes all over the place. The traffic in London is at an all time high and even with the congestion charge, the Capital is like a giant car park for most of the day. Boris the bumbling turd somehow seems to think that if all the athletes arrive on time the Games will be a roaring success. It is all very well saying leave early and or walk, but why should I? I live 8 miles from work. If I have to be there at silly o'clock in the morning, how long will it take me to walk 8 miles? I really hope it doesn't go wrong but I can see it all going wrong on the roads and I envisage a lot of those fancy decorated BMW's being vandalised. Why oh why did the Olympics have to be in London? Why couldn't they be in some other pokey city somewhere else that needs the publicity and the revenue that comes with it? This time next week London will be a city under siege but don't worry about me, I have a garage full of beer and two freezers full of chicken and burgers, I ain't going anywhere cos it will be on telly. Here is an interesting fact, bone china is made from the crushed bones of dead cows (obviously they couldn't use live cows, cos then they would be dead cows), yep its true, bone china is made from cows. la la la

SOLD SIGNS???

What is the point of SOLD signs? I don't see the point of these ridiculous things. I fully understand FOR SALE signs, they are there for a purpose. They inform anyone and everyone who passes that house that its for sale. The FOR SALE sign screams at you. it says "oi mush, come here and look at me, I'm for sale". SOLD SIGNS are just rude. They say "Oi mush, do you want to buy me? well you can't, so jog on. If you wanted me you should come over last week when I was available. "I fail to see why estate agents put these SOLD SIGNS up. What will be next? FAMILY MOVED IN signs. To me, I think its just estate agents showing off, "look at me, I had a house for sale", I put up a FOR SALE sign and I sold. Now I have erected a SOLD SIGN" aint I great? No you are just a smug git. la la la.

WHATS ON MY MIND?

Wha's on my mind? Well in all honesty, not a lot. I am having a fairly relaxing day and I am having a cold beer and a nice meal, (I cooked it myself for me). Anyway, this week I have been looking at various things and several things are in need of addressing. I just hate it when women apply make up on trains. Why oh why don't these lazy bitches get up five minutes earlier and put the slap on in the comfort and privacy of their own home? I often wonder they have to have their mouths open a they try and draw a thin black line over their eyes where they have shaved off a perfectly good eyebrow. I don't understand why they wash their hair and then go to work on public transport with it wet. Don't get me wrong, men are just as bad in a converse way. Stubble looks great on a heart throb on the telly but in reality, most of us just look like we are too lazy to shave. And what about the sniffles? So many people sniffle and snort on the train. BUY SOME FUCKING TISSUES. This week, some bloke on the train kept hawking his phlegm back down his throat, it was disgusting. And what about those ignorant pigs who talk on their phones so loudly you can hear them in the next carriage. And what about those touristy bastards who don't have the good sense to take their bloody rucksacks off their backs in a crowded train? I hate John Terry, I don't care if he called some one a racist name, I just think he is a selfish flash bastard. What I don't understand, is if he said what he is alledged to have said, why didn't he get a punch in the face at the time? If he said that to one of my black friends John Terry would be having his meals through a straw. If found guilty he will be fined £2500, big whup, thats about two hours pay. Ashley Cole called John Terry his best mate, Ashley Cole is a fecking stupid dumb spasticated idiot who needs a character implant, he is so dull and bland. The Olympic security is being looked at and apparently, despite all the posturing and promises of it will be ok, the truth is they don't have a bloody clue what they are doing. They don't have a fecking clue what they are doing. Our public transport system in London is struggling and when these millions of additional people get here to watch our abysmal effort a show, the system will crash. Why are their no decent movies at the cinema this week? Why is it still raining? Why are all scaffolders neanderthal? why is the Olympic logo so fucking awful. The Beckham's irritate me. Buy my book "A Clean Week" on E books, its cheap and a very good read. I wish we as a nation had a spine but we don't, we pay too much for alcohol and cigarettes and have you noticed the price of petrol is creeping up again? You all know I'm right, and you all agree with me, yes you do. I'm off now cos I'm feeling horny and I have some lovely soft tissue. Here is an interesting fact, did you know a rat can last longer without water than a camel? la la la

D.I.V.O.R.C.E

Today I was coastal. I don't like it here the people are weird, I was having my break trying to be invisible having a coffee when this driver I barely know sat next to me sobbing. I tried not to notice him but eventualy I said 'are you alright mate? He looked at me and said 'no my wife wants a divorce' I said 'never mind, it happens to us all' he asked, 'when did you know it was over' I thought for a while and said 'well there were little signals I picked up on. The first signal was when she wrote to an agony aunt in the newspaper. She started the letter with 'Dear Deidre, I'm married to a prick' When I asked her why she wrote it she said she was angry I had used one of her tops to wash my motorbike. The second signal was when the house phone rang, she would answer it and if it wasn't for her she would look at me and say 'oi fuckface, its for you' but I suppose I knew it was over one day when I was in the bath, I was having a soak with my eyes closed and I heard a noise, I looked up and she was carrying a table lamp through the bathroom door, it was still plugged in but luckily the cable wasnt long enough or I'm sure she would have tipped it into my bath. In the early days she would put post it notes in my lunch box saying 'I Love You Today' towards the end she put notes in saying 'I hope you die' its not all my fault, I don't steal and I don't lie so whenever she asked me 'does my bum look big in this? I would say yes. Whenever we went out she would get dressed and say 'does this look alright? And I would look at her and say 'wear what you like its not me they'll be laughing at' One day we had a massive row and she screamed 'why won't you give me a divorce? And I looked at her and said 'because I don't want you to be happy. Anyway we didn't speak for days after that but that was normal anyway. We stayed together for another eighteen months because of our kids (neither of us wanted custody) but eventually we divorced. I went down the pub to drown my sorrows and she went on holiday with workmates. She is doing quite well now, she has just got a promotion at work and has moved in with her boss, he is a much younger man with nice hair and all his own teeth, I'm living in my mums caravan on her driveway. I found a laptop on the train and have just subscribed to a website called Tissue Moments For Men. Anyway I must be off I have to see the doctor about my recurring wrist pain. On the way back I'm stopping at Lidls, they are doing a deal on chicken tikka pot noodles, 4 for £2. Here is an interesting fact, did you know the longest English word you can spell backwards correctly is racecar. La la la

MURRAY DIDN'T WIN

Today I'm coastal. The people in this room are just like the weather....miserable. I have seen happier faces at a funeral. It's raining, and its cold and its cold and windy but looking at these miserable gits here I think I will go for a walk. Andy Murray didn't win Wimbledon. He made it to the final and in all honesty I didn't think he would get that far, so well done to the ginger git. I don't like him. I can't believe todays paper has dedicated the first 5 pages and the back 4 pages to him NOT winning. And how the hell did the Beckhams get their picture taken at Wimbledon. Am I the only person who is fed up seeing their faces not smiling? Don't feel sorry for Murray, he picked up a nice £575,000 for coming second and is worth a cool 24 million, maybe he will spend some at the barbers cos he needs a shave and a haircut. Ryan Giggs has been picked to captain Team GB. I concede the fact that he is a good player but I don't think he should be captain. I applaud Stuart Pearce for not picking Beckham but he should have picked someone else to be captain, the papers have all mentioned the fact that he shagged his brothers wife. I am just finishing my coffee the I am going out in the horrible weather. Its nicer outside then it is in here with these ginger haired pikeys. According to the paper, we don't look like we are going to have a summer. I bought a new BBQ some months ago and it is still in the box and my garden is so overgrown I don't know if my lawnmower will be up to the job. Here is an interesting fact, did you know William Shakespeare didn't write down any of his plays? Someone else did it after he died. La la la

COACH TRAVEL

High drama on the highway the other day when armed police swooped on a coach as it trundled along the M6 motorway in the West Midlands. It was one of those budget ones where you pay a pound and it takes you from Land's End to John O'Groats, though quite why you'd want to go to either of those places is a mystery. Anyway, we're not surprised the armed police were called in. Have you ever been on one of those things? A cargo of battery humans on its way to bleak ineviability. They stuff you in this overheated, stinky, juggernaut for several continuous hours, usually within dangerous proximity of a bunch of drunken oafs travelling towards some hellbound stag weekend. If you're particularly unlucky the coach driver might inflict bad 90's music at you through tinny overhead speakers or a ropey straight-to-dvd film, causing you to rupture your retina as you squint at a screen the size of a postage stamp. And you can forget about using the toilet. No, anyone who travels on these infernal vehicles is mere moments away from a complete psychotic episode and should be approached with caution.

RAPING TOM CRUISE

Actually raping Tom Cruise is not what I want to talk about. Tom Cruise and rape have been in the news this week and I think everyone should know my views, [if you can't read, get someone to read them to you]. firstly, today is friday and its almost the middle of July, where the feck is our summer. It has rained nearly all firking week and I am sick of looking at our poor tired footballers sunning themselves somewhere nice and sunny while the rest of us schmucks are mooching around in dismal wet Britain. Yes I know I have just had a holiday but that was days ago and I want another one. I bought a lovely new BBQ and I ain't had a chance to use it yet. Anyway.......form a queue ladies, apparently Tom Cruise is getting a divorce. Katie has had enough of Tom's weirdy friends from the Scientology cult, sorry I mean faith centre and she wants out. If you believe the papers, she has said she doesn't want or need his money, which was why she signed the pre-nup and she has said she intends to be a bigger star than he is. When I read that, I realised why the marriage didn't work... she is fecking crazy. Firstly I don't understand pre-nups, I mean I understand them I just don't know how you slip a pre-nup into the conversation. "Hello darling, I know you are just a waitress but I love you so much will you marry me??" , "yes darling you are much older and richer than me, of course I will marry you" "that's lovely, please sign this paper saying that in a few years time when you can't stand my wrinkly body anymore that you won't leave me for a younger man and take me to court" "oh, darling of course I will sign it cos I'm never leaving you and your money". Tha'ts how I see the conversation going and yet we see silly old men being fleeced by younger women every week. Katie was just a wannabe actress until Tom made her famous, she ain't done much since she first rode the Cruise missile and I don't see her getting that many roles that will make her a superstar. As far as the money goes, if she thinks we believe she doesn't want some of it, then she is very delusional, he is worth a fecking large fortune, who in their right mind wouldn't want a large slice. I'm sure Tom will give Katie a nice lump sum and I'm sure "his" daughter will be well looked after but if she thinks Tom will be upset then she is a very silly girl, there are millions of women around the world who would love a threesome with Tom and his wealth. Now then, lets talk about a very disturbing story that has occurred. Some scummy low life devil dog teenage boy has raped a little girl and his defence was that he is addicted to porn which is easy to access. The annoying thing is, the judge let him off and lay the blame with society. This judge is a word that rhymes with front. Rape is rape. This kid should have been handcuffed to a rusty radiator in a dank cold cell and should not be let out until the great grandchildren of the girl he raped are pensioners.This judge is so far removed from reality he should never allowed to make any decision ever again and that includes what to have for breakfast. I can see rapists every where rubbing their hands [ and other parts of themselves] thinking that this will a great excuse for when they get caught. This senile dopey dribbling relic of a judge has set a precedent and I sincerely hope the senior law courts step up and do something quick. I hope this scabby teenager is found at the bottom of a deep well with serious fatal injuries. Yes I do. On a lighter note, I'm off tomorrow and my fridge is full of beer and burgers. la la la.

WORK CLOTHES

I have to wear a uniform at work. Don't get too excited, its nothing macho or sexy like a soldier or a fireman. It's a pale green shirt, dark trousers and safety boots that look like they were made for someone with special needs. The reason I am talking about work clothes is because I saw a guy today in a tracksuit that was covered completely in paint. He is obviously a painter and decorator but he obviously gets more on himself then he puts on the walls. It made me wonder why people with a trade like to wear their work clothes to and from work. Why do scaffolders wear tracksuit bottoms cut at the knee? Why do shop workers wear their shop clothes to and from work with name of the shop emblazened on the back? Have you seen the nasty uniforms Asda makes their staff wear? Or the the horrible uniforms at Tesco and Sainsburys? A few years ago I was on my break at Brighton and they had a couple of models showing off the new uniforms we were gonna get, it was supposed to be a blazer and slacks and this tall good looking model with a nice head of hair (I hated him) made the uniform look great. As I stood there a chinless wonder from HR slithered up to me and asked what I thought, I told him it looked ok, he said that the clothes came from Bond Street and the material used in our uniforms will be of lesser quality. I forgot all about it until a few months later when I was at home on a rare day off and having a tissue moment when there was a knock on the door and my uniform had arrived. I opened the box and it was nothing like the things the male model was wearing. This uniform was made from the same material they make loofahs out of. I looked at the labels and it should fit but when I tried it on it was so big it would not have fitted Jo Brand when she was pregnant. I took it to the dry cleaners and asked if he could alter it to fit, he looked at me then he looked at the uniform he looked at me again and said 'hang on a sec' he picked up the phone and said into it ' stop what you are doing and get down here quick' a few moments later his wife appeared, she has a face like a stubbed out cigarette, he told her what I wanted, she looked at me, looked at my uniform, looked at me then looked at her husband and they both started laughing. I stood there for six minutes til they stopped. She kissed her husband on the cheek and said 'thank you, that has made my day' and she went back upstairs. He watched her go, (she was ugly but had a lovley bum) and he looked at me and said 'yes sir what can I do for you? so I told him again and he started laughing again. When he stopped he said it was a challenge he didn't want to stake his professional reputation on and asked me to leave and never come back. So if you are reading this and you are a uniform deigner, can you please bear in mind the poor saps who have to wear the shit you design. Please remember most companies always go for the cheapest supplier which usually means very poor materials. Also if you are a parent of a teenage boy can you please stop them from leaving the house with their jeans round their arses showing their underpants. Its not a good look and makes them and you look like pikeys. Also can you women please stop going out in your pyjamas, if you are too lazy to get dressed stay in bed and send some one else to pick up your giro. Vote for me and I will make sure every teenager owns a belt and make it an on the spot fine for wearing your pyjamas looking like a skank in the street. La la la

FOOTBALL

Ok, Euro 2012 is over and England didn't do well and Spain won, yawn. England never do well and its because in every competition we base our whole team ethic around one player. For the last few competitions it was that tattoed jellyhead David the gormless Beckham and now we base it around Wayne the pikey Rooney. David Beckham was fantastic at taking free kicks, end of. Wayne Rooney is a big lumbering pikey who can sometimes score a goal. What about the rest of the team? Why do we always ignore their contribution. I am so glad Beckham is not part Team GB, I really didn't want him to be a part of the team because I think he is full of self importance and being in the team would deprive a decent player a chance to shine. Well done Mr Pearce. As for Rooney, he should have been a sub in the Euros, he was banned and out of shape, when he plays all you have to do is mark him and he is out of the game and the other ten players don't have a Plan B. I'm writing this whilst a movie with Vinny Jones is on, even when I ain't watching him, the movie still sucks, he is such a crap actor. Rangers are in trouble, so what. There are only two teams in the Scottish premier league. It is so bad it is impossible to get a bet on who will win and who will come second because its always Rangers or Celtic. Sod the scottish leagues, they are inferior and everyone knows it. Scotland is a very pretty country but it rains every fecking day. Rain rain rain. Its a shame because its a very scenic place. The food is shit but its still prety. Spurs have a new manager, some bloke no one had heard of until he went to Chelsea, earned a shit load of money, got the sack and wears a scarf every day. The fixture lists are out and the daily papers are already touting their fantasy football schemes. All around the country sad cardigan wearing, sandal footed losers are compiling fantasy teams to compete against other people who have no friends and live at home with their mums. I hope Team GB do well, I can't see them winning but I think they will do well, I wanted Pearce to manage the national team but never mind, as soon as Woy fails to get us into the world cup maybe Pearce will get his chance. Gerrard is not captain material, neither is Rooney, Ferdidnand didn't go tgo Euro 2012, he was stuck on a sunny beach so it couldn't have been that bad, John Terry will get a small fine for being a racist and Alex Ferguson will swear at referees. Football is a funny old game. La la la . Vote for me. Oh by the way, during the olympics, I will have tons of food and alcohol, everyone is welcome to come and have proper fun, unless you have ginger hair in which case you can sod off.

FIRST WEEK AFTER HOLIDAY

Today is friday and it is the end of the first week back from my trip abroad. What a crappy week it has been. Not crappy in that have had a bad one, but crappy in the fact that nothing of real interest has happened. the weather anywhere else is lovely hot sunny and superb. The weather here is has been its usual wet and windy summer. Yesterday was unseasonally warm but even the weather guy on Sky News was surprised at how warm it was. Let me say that again, the weather guy on Sky News was surprised at the weather. Here in our fine capital, the sun shone for hours, but up north where all the council pikeys live it was torrential rain. It never ceases to amaze me that people still try to drive or ride push bikes when the roads are under five feet of water. I felt sorry for her maj The Queen for having to shake the hand of a senior terrorist. Not only was this guy part of the mob that killed her cousin, but she had to go to him instead of him coming here, good job she wore gloves. I took the train to work the other day. What a shower of shitty people travel by train. What is it with women putting on their make up on a train full of other people. Why do you always apply it with your mouth open making you look like a goldfish? I saw one man cough into a tissue and put it in his shirt pocket then two minutes later take it out and blow his nose. I saw one man take his trainers off and massage his feet for about ten minutes and believe me his toes were very gnarled indeed. The Germs are out of Euro 2012. Don't really care. Im not blaming Desperate Dan for our exit although Rooney should not have been the player we based the team around. I'm sick of hearing Woy Hodgeson saying they did us proud. If the did us proud they would still be in it. They got as far as anyone thought they would. And bloody good grief its fecking Wimbledon. I hate tennis, I really do. Its a dull middle class game played by chinless wonders. We ain't no good and we never will. I cant tell whinging Andy apart from his lookalike mother, why does a grown nan take his mum everywhere, is she the Scottish equivalent of a favourite sheep? As you know, I do like a good movie. Last night I watched Jason Stathams latest offer. I don't know why I suffer such drivel. It was so very crap, the best bits were in subtitles when he wasn't on screen. I keep telling myself Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Jean Claude Damn Vain, Chris Tucker and Martin Lawrence films are to be avoided at all times, but like a wally, I get a beer or two inside me and like the weather reports I watch in hope of seeing something good. Driving home today the DJ kept saying "yippeee its the weekend", well I have news for you, you very irritating prick some of us have to go to work. Still, look on the bright side, I can stay up past nine on saturday and have a lie in on sunday.....la la la

FIRST DAY BACK

Today is my first day back after two and a half weeks in the sun. I was going to tell you what happened the the local plod turned up at the hotel but apparently a couple of people here are telling the management a bit more than they need to so I will tell you the story a bit later. I walked in this morning and nothing had changed. No one one my celebrity death list died, which made me a bit miffed. The same stroke pullers and skiving feckers are still up to no good, one guy rang in a hour and a half before his was due to start and said the bus had a puncture and he was running late. Tosser. The crew room is still dirty and the toilets still smell.it never ceases to amaze my what some people have for breakfast, one person is finishing off last nites chicken kebab. I understand cold pizza or a chinese but no fecking way a greasy cold kebab. The same malingeres are moping about and the same off track people are still off track. The telly in the crew room doesnt work and the hot water for the tea and coffee is coming out in a slow trickle. I will be glad when this day is over so that I can go to the gym and earn a couple of beers. The papers are a bit quiet, everyone is blaming Wayne Rooneys wig for the way England performed and the toilet paper called The Sun is throwing its support behind the ginger whinger Andy poface Murray. All in all its a typical wednesday at the funny farm. La la la

MY HOLIDAY

Two weeks ago, I went on a one week holiday. I got back yesterday. what??? I hear you ask, yes you heard, I went two weeks ago I went for one week and only got back yesterday. I wont tell you where I went because I don't want to be a holiday bore, but I have a fantastic tan, some lovely photos.....and a criminal record. the weather was touching the early 40s and it was hot. It was very firking hot. It was absolute bliss. it was all inclusive so the beer was free, the food was free and the was lots of it. I trained like a mad man to get my body looking decent for when I arrived, and I must say I looked good. Two days of free beer and food made me look like a Brussel sprout on legs. Also at this place was half of Yorkshire. I have never seen so many pasty, fat over white heavily tattooed people in one place, it was like a scene from a holiday poster for a Florida cake shop. I have never seen so many ugly horrible tattoos, and that was just the women. The free food was ok if you liked chicken for a meal. Apart from breakfast, which was eggs, the other three daily meals were chicken in some form or another. Can you imagine having three large meals a day and they are all chicken, with chips and rice? During my holiday, I survived an earthquake, a shark attack, a terrorist attack, and a bat attack. These dirty northern monkeys used to take plates piled with food up to their rooms and then leave plates with half eaten food in the corridors. They were a disgrace to this country. When booking, we were offered a sea view, ha ha ha. There was a view and you could see it, but as for "a sea view", you had to stand on the roof and look through binoculars just to get a glimmer of a glint of any water. The bus system is fantastic, when a bus comes, you just hold your hand up and it stops, it was super. I can't see those lazy ignorant feckers who drive buses over here doing that. I have to say that for the money I paid, the food and beer was more than enough. I had a room with a shower and a bed. The brochure said every room had a telly. My room had a telly, it didn't work, the screen was cracked, but the room did have a telly. The problems began when the going home date clashed with the flight dates. The hotel kick out was on saturday and the flight date was monday. Obviously tempers flared and that's when the local plod paid us a visit, I will tell you the rest next time. Just so you all know..... I'm back.

STATING THE OBVIOUS

I took the train to work today. I didn't fancy driving there in the rush hour and driving back in the rush hour, so I put on my common people clothes and went by public transport. On the train I read today's Metro. Its a good job its free cos it only takes ten minutes to read, and the full front page headline was 'London Tube System Can't Cope'. Well that's stating the obvious. Apparently some senior officials on the Tube were horrified at how badly the system coped over the Jubilee weekend. These overpaid pencil pushers didn't expect a high number of problems like the ones that occurred. I am flabbergasted at their shock. The Tube system is over crowded on a regular daily basis, how did they not foresee the problems a million extra punters would cause? Now, with seven weeks to the Olympics, all their plans have to be re thought. Its quite shocking. I turned a few pages and saw an article about our favourite subject, the weather. Some supposedly intelligent meteorologist is warning us to be aware that our summer is looking like being a washout. That's stating the obvious. If they had left our normal Bank holiday alone we could have had a rare sunny Monday, but no, they moved it to show the world what crap weather we get in this country and we had a long weekend of rain. My friend Maureen lives in Portugal and she says she sometimes misses the weather. Well Maureen, the next time you miss the weather, get dressed to go out and stand in the shower and turn on the cold water, then you will remember why you did the right thing and moved abroad. Another story that made me laugh, Miley Cyrus is now engaged to her long term on off boyfriend. ENGAGED LONG TERM, ON OFF? Is it me or does that spell disaster? I see that going one of two ways, either they will split for good cos they keep splitting up, and the unknown wannabe model boyfriend will sell his story, or they get married and divorced in less than a month. Having said that, looking at the picture of her, I wouldn't mind getting on and off her a few times. OOPS, I shouldn't have said that, I don't want to have my scrotum removed and used as a purse by a certain someone reading this. La la la the Euros start this week. Did you see the picture of the England team in the Metro? Is it me or did they all go to the same one armed, one eyed, tourettes suffering hairdresser?