BRITISH SUMMER

After several months of grotty rainy days, the sun is finally here. I love summer in England, its my favourite week of the year. The need for people to wrap up in jumpers and coats has gone and people can get their skimpy summer clothes out. The appearance of the sun puts a smile on peoples faces and a spring in their ssteps. Women seem to wear almost nothing. Im not a perv but let me tell you about my day yesterday. I had to book on at silly o clock and after parking up I was crossing the concourse and saw two women who had obviously been out clubbing. One was wearing a pair of tight blue shorts with her arse cheeks showing, she had long legs and a nice pair of sandals, a blue lace top with a black bra showing through. Her friend was wearing a short beige leather skirt, I say skirt but it was more like a belt, she had a silk black black blouse and obviously no bra and high heels. Im no perv but yes I stares longer than I should have. After booking on I was crossing the concourse and these two women were gone. In their place was this stunning looking woman in her forties. She looked like Joan Collins in her prime. She wore a lovely two piece grey skirt and jacket with a purple shirt unbuttoned to the cleavage, she had red lipstick on ( I love red lipstick on a woman ), she obviously uses a gym she looked great. As I walked along the platform there was a group of young girls , about eight of them and im no perv but they all looked like jail bait. They all wore tight shorts and tight T shirts. They  didnt dress like that when I was at school which was handy cos I went to an all boys school. When I arrived at my destination there was a woman buying a coffee. She had tight jeans on which showed her firm arse and a cropped top which showed of her flat stomach. Im no perv but I was getting a stiffy.. When I got back I was again walkin across the concourse and I saw a woman who was about twenty ish and she was bending over and showing her long legs and her firm bum, it was lovely. When I got to the crew room, I saw my good mate Bretty. He didnt look too good and I asked him what was wrong. He told me he had messed up earlier. He was coming into a station and saw a stunningly beautiful woman who reminded him of Jessica Rabbit ( yeah I thought that was a bit weird too). He said he stopped the train and gawped at her. He said it was two or three minutes before he realised he hadnt opened the doors. Luckily he wasnt reported for it. We spent the rest of the break drinking coffee and staring out the window pointing out stunners to each other. It was one of the best breaks I have ever had. After my break I was again walking across the concourse and I saw this couple holding hands. He was a tall good looking guy in a smart expensive suit, a full head of hair and all his own teeth ( I hated him instantly . She was wearing a tight figure hugging red dress. Im no perv but I had the urge to club her on the head and drag her away like a caveman. I kept walkin and was getting a head ache from staring at all the flash on display. Im no perv but I love summer. I hope it lasts a whole lot longer. Here is an interesting fact, did you know in the musical My Fair Lady, Rex Harrison didnt actually do any singing? La la la

WE WON'T BE ANY BUSIER.... HONEST

Our management have said all along since it was announced that London will host the Olympics that we won't be any busier in passenger numbers. The have been saying that we will cope easily and everything will be fine, but just to be on the safe side, we will take on extra staff and implement extra training. Really??. Where are the extra staff and when does the training begin?
So far all they have done is move some staff from one post to another and the training consists of leaflets explaining that everyone should do their bit and "go the extra mile". Well my friends let me tell how it is.
The opening ceremony starts today. This morning at silly o'clock when I booked on, there were several coach loads of people mooching about before the station had even opened. The first service to leave the station was heaving with people unsure as to where they were going. When I arrived coastal which is never pleasant, there were shed loads of bewildered people all trying to make their way into London. All day, drivers and conductors and platform staff have been over run with additional numbers of people asking questions. Sometimes new different questions and sometimes the same questions they always ask. trust me when I say we WILL be busier. We are busy everyday and now with this extra million people a day they hope will come into our Capital, only those people on the top shelf don't think we will be busier or unable to cope, the rest of us in the sock drawer know that the next few weeks are going to be a very hectic and arduous time. If it goes well, it will because of the hard work and spirit of those on the front line. I know we will cope cos we are a tough bunch. We will make it work despite the best efforts of those in the ivory tower who will be MIA.  Here is an interesting fact, cows are the only animals that are retro mingent. Boris Johnson is a fat David Beckham. la la la

BEGGARS WITH MONEY

I was at a cash point machine today and I took out twenty pounds. The machine gave me two tenners. No sooner had I retrieved the cash a beggar said 'spare me a quid guv ' . This struck me as strange cos he was talking cockney and I'm coastal. I showed him the two tenners and replied 'yeah course I will have you got change for a ten pound note? He swore at me and walked away. He then asked a women to lend him a pound for a cup of tea but she fucked him off as well. I followed this manky smelling bloke for about ten minutes and watched as he approache loads of people and asked for money. He asked for money so that he could get a cup of tea, he asked for money for a sandwich, he asked for money for the bus home and he asked for money for a bed for the night. After about ten minutes he saw me and came up to me and said 'hello mate, can you lend me a pound?' I replied, ' yeah sure but you already owe me a pound from last time' he looked a bit puzzled so I said 'you remember, it was last week when you came up and said you wanted a pound for the bus home and I gave you a pound?' He still looked puzzled then said 'er yeah I remember, but I'm having a bad week, I will pay you back'  I put my hand in my pocket and took out a load of change and his eyes lit up. I seperated about four one pound coins and put the rest back. He said 'are those for me?' I said 'no they fucking aint, I'm going in the cafe for a bacon and egg roll, you are welcome to stand outside and watch me eat it though' he swore at me so I said 'listen wanker, if you want to beg on the streets it helps if you don't wear expensive trainers now fuck off and get a job you dirty kent' he looked down at his feet then walked away, the sandwich was delicious. La la la

BLACK AND WHITE TRAINS

I'm coastal today. Even though the sun is finally shining its not as nice here as you think. I am trying to have my break. I bought a lovely breakfast bap but this arsehole next to me is being a pain in the neck. He is watching old route learning films on his laptop and they are dated from the thirties. I aint interested in todays trains let alone relics from the thirties. The thing is he keeps shouting out 'here come and look at this, its an old signal box' or  he shouts 'oooh you don't see those anymore' of course you don't see those any more cos its fecking two thousand and twelve you prick. The thing is, I have no interest in what he is watching so he gets his fat hairy arse off the chair and plonks his laptop under my nose and expects me to feign interest. I have told him to fack off twice and I have pretended to be on the phone for an hour and this knobhead still tries to get my attention. Several other people have stood around him ooohing and arghing and I must confess that for just a nano second I nearly had a look but once this rednecks get a grip on you, you're stuck in their twilight zone and every time you have a coastal break, they think you are part of the family and want to high six you when they see you. Who in their right mind watches these very old route learning films? Where do you buy them and why oh why would you even want to? I'm happy being an ignorant git from London and you coastal types can can keep your gas lamps and real ales and home made pies made from real meat still with animal hair and the teeth in. We in London have something called electrity (when its working) and colour telly, yes you heard, colour telly. So forgive me for not being nostalgic but in all honesty, you bore me. La la la

DAMN THOSE BLOODY LANES

Boris Johnson is a turd. He has commissioned some Olympic lanes that only the great and the good can use. In a few days time our roads in London, which at the moment are chocka fecking block during the rush hour, will be streamlined to allow the athletes to whizz past us mere mortals so they can get to their designated places where they can show us how not to win medals. I don't see why they need their own special lanes. The wonderful clever Levi had a good suggestion. In fact she had two. First she suggested, let them use the bus lanes, and secondly she suggested, why don't the vehicles transporting them have sirens. Make them use the roads like everyone else and if for some reason they are running late, they can turn on the sirens and circumvent the traffic like an emergency vehicle. Surely the cost of fitting sirens would be far cheaper than painting special lanes all over the place. The traffic in London is at an all time high and even with the congestion charge, the Capital is like a giant car park for most of the day. Boris the bumbling turd somehow seems to think that if all the athletes arrive on time the Games will be a roaring success. It is all very well saying leave early and or walk, but why should I? I live 8 miles from work. If I have to be there at silly o'clock in the morning, how long will it take me to walk 8 miles? I really hope it doesn't go wrong but I can see it all going wrong on the roads and I envisage a lot of those fancy decorated BMW's being vandalised. Why oh why did the Olympics have to be in London? Why couldn't they be in some other pokey city somewhere else that needs the publicity and the revenue that comes with it? This time next week London will be a city under siege but don't worry about me, I have a garage full of beer and two freezers full of chicken and burgers, I ain't going anywhere cos it will be on telly. Here is an interesting fact, bone china is made from the crushed bones of dead cows (obviously they couldn't use live cows, cos then they would be dead cows), yep its true, bone china is made from cows. la la la

SOLD SIGNS???

What is the point of SOLD signs? I don't see the point of these ridiculous things. I fully understand FOR SALE signs, they are there for a purpose. They inform anyone and everyone who passes that house that its for sale. The FOR SALE sign screams at you. it says "oi mush, come here and look at me, I'm for sale". SOLD SIGNS are just rude. They say "Oi mush, do you want to buy me? well you can't, so jog on. If you wanted me you should come over last week when I was available. "I fail to see why estate agents put these SOLD SIGNS up. What will be next? FAMILY MOVED IN signs. To me, I think its just estate agents showing off, "look at me, I had a house for sale", I put up a FOR SALE sign and I sold. Now I have erected a SOLD SIGN" aint I great? No you are just a smug git. la la la.

WHATS ON MY MIND?

Wha's on my mind? Well in all honesty, not a lot. I am having a fairly relaxing day and I am having a cold beer and a nice meal, (I cooked it myself for me). Anyway, this week I have been looking at various things and several things are in need of addressing. I just hate it when women apply make up on trains. Why oh why don't these lazy bitches get up five minutes earlier and put the slap on in the comfort and privacy of their own home? I often wonder they have to have their mouths open a they try and draw a thin black line over their eyes where they have shaved off a perfectly good eyebrow. I don't understand why they wash their hair and then go to work on public transport with it wet. Don't get me wrong, men are just as bad in a converse way. Stubble looks great on a heart throb on the telly but in reality, most of us just look like we are too lazy to shave. And what about the sniffles? So many people sniffle and snort on the train. BUY SOME FUCKING TISSUES. This week, some bloke on the train kept hawking his phlegm back down his throat, it was disgusting. And what about those ignorant pigs who talk on their phones so loudly you can hear them in the next carriage. And what about those touristy bastards who don't have the good sense to take their bloody rucksacks off their backs in a crowded train? I hate John Terry, I don't care if he called some one a racist name, I just think he is a selfish flash bastard. What I don't understand, is if he said what he is alledged to have said, why didn't he get a punch in the face at the time? If he said that to one of my black friends John Terry would be having his meals through a straw. If found guilty he will be fined £2500, big whup, thats about two hours pay. Ashley Cole called John Terry his best mate, Ashley Cole is a fecking stupid dumb spasticated idiot who needs a character implant, he is so dull and bland. The Olympic security is being looked at and apparently, despite all the posturing and promises of it will be ok, the truth is they don't have a bloody clue what they are doing. They don't have a fecking clue what they are doing. Our public transport system in London is struggling and when these millions of additional people get here to watch our abysmal effort a show, the system will crash. Why are their no decent movies at the cinema this week? Why is it still raining? Why are all scaffolders neanderthal? why is the Olympic logo so fucking awful. The Beckham's irritate me. Buy my book "A Clean Week" on E books, its cheap and a very good read. I wish we as a nation had a spine but we don't, we pay too much for alcohol and cigarettes and have you noticed the price of petrol is creeping up again? You all know I'm right, and you all agree with me, yes you do. I'm off now cos I'm feeling horny and I have some lovely soft tissue. Here is an interesting fact, did you know a rat can last longer without water than a camel? la la la

D.I.V.O.R.C.E

Today I was coastal. I don't like it here the people are weird, I was having my break trying to be invisible having a coffee when this driver I barely know sat next to me sobbing. I tried not to notice him but eventualy I said 'are you alright mate? He looked at me and said 'no my wife wants a divorce' I said 'never mind, it happens to us all' he asked, 'when did you know it was over' I thought for a while and said 'well there were little signals I picked up on. The first signal was when she wrote to an agony aunt in the newspaper. She started the letter with 'Dear Deidre, I'm married to a prick' When I asked her why she wrote it she said she was angry I had used one of her tops to wash my motorbike. The second signal was when the house phone rang, she would answer it and if it wasn't for her she would look at me and say 'oi fuckface, its for you' but I suppose I knew it was over one day when I was in the bath, I was having a soak with my eyes closed and I heard a noise, I looked up and she was carrying a table lamp through the bathroom door, it was still plugged in but luckily the cable wasnt long enough or I'm sure she would have tipped it into my bath. In the early days she would put post it notes in my lunch box saying 'I Love You Today' towards the end she put notes in saying 'I hope you die' its not all my fault, I don't steal and I don't lie so whenever she asked me 'does my bum look big in this? I would say yes. Whenever we went out she would get dressed and say 'does this look alright? And I would look at her and say 'wear what you like its not me they'll be laughing at' One day we had a massive row and she screamed 'why won't you give me a divorce? And I looked at her and said 'because I don't want you to be happy. Anyway we didn't speak for days after that but that was normal anyway. We stayed together for another eighteen months because of our kids (neither of us wanted custody) but eventually we divorced. I went down the pub to drown my sorrows and she went on holiday with workmates. She is doing quite well now, she has just got a promotion at work and has moved in with her boss, he is a much younger man with nice hair and all his own teeth, I'm living in my mums caravan on her driveway. I found a laptop on the train and have just subscribed to a website called Tissue Moments For Men. Anyway I must be off I have to see the doctor about my recurring wrist pain. On the way back I'm stopping at Lidls, they are doing a deal on chicken tikka pot noodles, 4 for £2. Here is an interesting fact, did you know the longest English word you can spell backwards correctly is racecar. La la la

MURRAY DIDN'T WIN

Today I'm coastal. The people in this room are just like the weather....miserable. I have seen happier faces at a funeral. It's raining, and its cold and its cold and windy but looking at these miserable gits here I think I will go for a walk. Andy Murray didn't win Wimbledon. He made it to the final and in all honesty I didn't think he would get that far, so well done to the ginger git. I don't like him. I can't believe todays paper has dedicated the first 5 pages and the back 4 pages to him NOT winning. And how the hell did the Beckhams get their picture taken at Wimbledon. Am I the only person who is fed up seeing their faces not smiling? Don't feel sorry for Murray, he picked up a nice £575,000 for coming second and is worth a cool 24 million, maybe he will spend some at the barbers cos he needs a shave and a haircut. Ryan Giggs has been picked to captain Team GB. I concede the fact that he is a good player but I don't think he should be captain. I applaud Stuart Pearce for not picking Beckham but he should have picked someone else to be captain, the papers have all mentioned the fact that he shagged his brothers wife. I am just finishing my coffee the I am going out in the horrible weather. Its nicer outside then it is in here with these ginger haired pikeys. According to the paper, we don't look like we are going to have a summer. I bought a new BBQ some months ago and it is still in the box and my garden is so overgrown I don't know if my lawnmower will be up to the job. Here is an interesting fact, did you know William Shakespeare didn't write down any of his plays? Someone else did it after he died. La la la

COACH TRAVEL

High drama on the highway the other day when armed police swooped on a coach as it trundled along the M6 motorway in the West Midlands. It was one of those budget ones where you pay a pound and it takes you from Land's End to John O'Groats, though quite why you'd want to go to either of those places is a mystery. Anyway, we're not surprised the armed police were called in. Have you ever been on one of those things? A cargo of battery humans on its way to bleak ineviability. They stuff you in this overheated, stinky, juggernaut for several continuous hours, usually within dangerous proximity of a bunch of drunken oafs travelling towards some hellbound stag weekend. If you're particularly unlucky the coach driver might inflict bad 90's music at you through tinny overhead speakers or a ropey straight-to-dvd film, causing you to rupture your retina as you squint at a screen the size of a postage stamp. And you can forget about using the toilet. No, anyone who travels on these infernal vehicles is mere moments away from a complete psychotic episode and should be approached with caution.

RAPING TOM CRUISE

Actually raping Tom Cruise is not what I want to talk about. Tom Cruise and rape have been in the news this week and I think everyone should know my views, [if you can't read, get someone to read them to you]. firstly, today is friday and its almost the middle of July, where the feck is our summer. It has rained nearly all firking week and I am sick of looking at our poor tired footballers sunning themselves somewhere nice and sunny while the rest of us schmucks are mooching around in dismal wet Britain. Yes I know I have just had a holiday but that was days ago and I want another one. I bought a lovely new BBQ and I ain't had a chance to use it yet. Anyway.......form a queue ladies, apparently Tom Cruise is getting a divorce. Katie has had enough of Tom's weirdy friends from the Scientology cult, sorry I mean faith centre and she wants out. If you believe the papers, she has said she doesn't want or need his money, which was why she signed the pre-nup and she has said she intends to be a bigger star than he is. When I read that, I realised why the marriage didn't work... she is fecking crazy. Firstly I don't understand pre-nups, I mean I understand them I just don't know how you slip a pre-nup into the conversation. "Hello darling, I know you are just a waitress but I love you so much will you marry me??" , "yes darling you are much older and richer than me, of course I will marry you" "that's lovely, please sign this paper saying that in a few years time when you can't stand my wrinkly body anymore that you won't leave me for a younger man and take me to court" "oh, darling of course I will sign it cos I'm never leaving you and your money". Tha'ts how I see the conversation going and yet we see silly old men being fleeced by younger women every week. Katie was just a wannabe actress until Tom made her famous, she ain't done much since she first rode the Cruise missile and I don't see her getting that many roles that will make her a superstar. As far as the money goes, if she thinks we believe she doesn't want some of it, then she is very delusional, he is worth a fecking large fortune, who in their right mind wouldn't want a large slice. I'm sure Tom will give Katie a nice lump sum and I'm sure "his" daughter will be well looked after but if she thinks Tom will be upset then she is a very silly girl, there are millions of women around the world who would love a threesome with Tom and his wealth. Now then, lets talk about a very disturbing story that has occurred. Some scummy low life devil dog teenage boy has raped a little girl and his defence was that he is addicted to porn which is easy to access. The annoying thing is, the judge let him off and lay the blame with society. This judge is a word that rhymes with front. Rape is rape. This kid should have been handcuffed to a rusty radiator in a dank cold cell and should not be let out until the great grandchildren of the girl he raped are pensioners.This judge is so far removed from reality he should never allowed to make any decision ever again and that includes what to have for breakfast. I can see rapists every where rubbing their hands [ and other parts of themselves] thinking that this will a great excuse for when they get caught. This senile dopey dribbling relic of a judge has set a precedent and I sincerely hope the senior law courts step up and do something quick. I hope this scabby teenager is found at the bottom of a deep well with serious fatal injuries. Yes I do. On a lighter note, I'm off tomorrow and my fridge is full of beer and burgers. la la la.

WORK CLOTHES

I have to wear a uniform at work. Don't get too excited, its nothing macho or sexy like a soldier or a fireman. It's a pale green shirt, dark trousers and safety boots that look like they were made for someone with special needs. The reason I am talking about work clothes is because I saw a guy today in a tracksuit that was covered completely in paint. He is obviously a painter and decorator but he obviously gets more on himself then he puts on the walls. It made me wonder why people with a trade like to wear their work clothes to and from work. Why do scaffolders wear tracksuit bottoms cut at the knee? Why do shop workers wear their shop clothes to and from work with name of the shop emblazened on the back? Have you seen the nasty uniforms Asda makes their staff wear? Or the the horrible uniforms at Tesco and Sainsburys? A few years ago I was on my break at Brighton and they had a couple of models showing off the new uniforms we were gonna get, it was supposed to be a blazer and slacks and this tall good looking model with a nice head of hair (I hated him) made the uniform look great. As I stood there a chinless wonder from HR slithered up to me and asked what I thought, I told him it looked ok, he said that the clothes came from Bond Street and the material used in our uniforms will be of lesser quality. I forgot all about it until a few months later when I was at home on a rare day off and having a tissue moment when there was a knock on the door and my uniform had arrived. I opened the box and it was nothing like the things the male model was wearing. This uniform was made from the same material they make loofahs out of. I looked at the labels and it should fit but when I tried it on it was so big it would not have fitted Jo Brand when she was pregnant. I took it to the dry cleaners and asked if he could alter it to fit, he looked at me then he looked at the uniform he looked at me again and said 'hang on a sec' he picked up the phone and said into it ' stop what you are doing and get down here quick' a few moments later his wife appeared, she has a face like a stubbed out cigarette, he told her what I wanted, she looked at me, looked at my uniform, looked at me then looked at her husband and they both started laughing. I stood there for six minutes til they stopped. She kissed her husband on the cheek and said 'thank you, that has made my day' and she went back upstairs. He watched her go, (she was ugly but had a lovley bum) and he looked at me and said 'yes sir what can I do for you? so I told him again and he started laughing again. When he stopped he said it was a challenge he didn't want to stake his professional reputation on and asked me to leave and never come back. So if you are reading this and you are a uniform deigner, can you please bear in mind the poor saps who have to wear the shit you design. Please remember most companies always go for the cheapest supplier which usually means very poor materials. Also if you are a parent of a teenage boy can you please stop them from leaving the house with their jeans round their arses showing their underpants. Its not a good look and makes them and you look like pikeys. Also can you women please stop going out in your pyjamas, if you are too lazy to get dressed stay in bed and send some one else to pick up your giro. Vote for me and I will make sure every teenager owns a belt and make it an on the spot fine for wearing your pyjamas looking like a skank in the street. La la la

FOOTBALL

Ok, Euro 2012 is over and England didn't do well and Spain won, yawn. England never do well and its because in every competition we base our whole team ethic around one player. For the last few competitions it was that tattoed jellyhead David the gormless Beckham and now we base it around Wayne the pikey Rooney. David Beckham was fantastic at taking free kicks, end of. Wayne Rooney is a big lumbering pikey who can sometimes score a goal. What about the rest of the team? Why do we always ignore their contribution. I am so glad Beckham is not part Team GB, I really didn't want him to be a part of the team because I think he is full of self importance and being in the team would deprive a decent player a chance to shine. Well done Mr Pearce. As for Rooney, he should have been a sub in the Euros, he was banned and out of shape, when he plays all you have to do is mark him and he is out of the game and the other ten players don't have a Plan B. I'm writing this whilst a movie with Vinny Jones is on, even when I ain't watching him, the movie still sucks, he is such a crap actor. Rangers are in trouble, so what. There are only two teams in the Scottish premier league. It is so bad it is impossible to get a bet on who will win and who will come second because its always Rangers or Celtic. Sod the scottish leagues, they are inferior and everyone knows it. Scotland is a very pretty country but it rains every fecking day. Rain rain rain. Its a shame because its a very scenic place. The food is shit but its still prety. Spurs have a new manager, some bloke no one had heard of until he went to Chelsea, earned a shit load of money, got the sack and wears a scarf every day. The fixture lists are out and the daily papers are already touting their fantasy football schemes. All around the country sad cardigan wearing, sandal footed losers are compiling fantasy teams to compete against other people who have no friends and live at home with their mums. I hope Team GB do well, I can't see them winning but I think they will do well, I wanted Pearce to manage the national team but never mind, as soon as Woy fails to get us into the world cup maybe Pearce will get his chance. Gerrard is not captain material, neither is Rooney, Ferdidnand didn't go tgo Euro 2012, he was stuck on a sunny beach so it couldn't have been that bad, John Terry will get a small fine for being a racist and Alex Ferguson will swear at referees. Football is a funny old game. La la la . Vote for me. Oh by the way, during the olympics, I will have tons of food and alcohol, everyone is welcome to come and have proper fun, unless you have ginger hair in which case you can sod off.