COASTAL COWS

I shit you not, I'm in a coastal crew room and three men are sitting swapping cow stories. I have on occasion of heard one maybe two people swapping stories but there are three grown spud heads telling each other their experiences with a half ton of beef. One guy and I swear I'm not making this up he said he was cycling through the country lanes in Bexley, (he did say it was many years ago) and he heard a cow fart and it scared him so much he fell off his bike and broke his right wrist. Muppet number two said he was cycling through France (I hate the French) and he said he was going down hill very fast with his wife dragging far behind him and when he reached the bottom he sat on what he thought was a rock to have a cigarette til she caught up but the rock turned out to be a large lump of cow shit and he sank into it and it covered his whole back and legs. Silly spud number three has just told how he took his 7 year old grandson rambling and the kid thought it would be funny to chase some calfs which was funny until mummy cow got the hump and head butted the little brat and when silly spud number three tried to rescue the kid, as he ran towards the boy he slipped in some cow pooh and received a face full of shit. Why oh why would anyone tell some one they had a face full of cow shit (or any shit for that matter) is beyond me but these three do look and sound like rejects from a Jeremy (smug bastard) Kyle show. These three wallies have told about nine stories between them and none of them end well and all of them involve being covered in shit. I was once in a cow situation but its a suppressed memory, very deeply suppressed and you will never ever know how it ended. I would like to say that I won and I still have the jacket but that would be a lie so the memory will stay hidden in my memory vaults for ever. I will one day confess all my sins after all thats what death beds are for but every time I get coastal I am reminded how lucky I am to be bald and not ginger. One of these dimwits said he is vegetarian because of his experience with a cow. If anything, if a cow caused me to end up like these three I would eat as many as I could. Don't get me wrong, I love animals but they are so much nicer covered in gravy and served with chips. Here is an interesting fact, babies are born without kneecaps, the kneecaps don't deveop until the child is about two years old. La la la.

LEAVE ME ALONE

I hate being pestered by idiots. I also hate idiots asking daft questions. There we were in a restaurant standing by the 'please wait to be seated' sign, and we had been there about 7 or 8 minutes when this spotty crazy haired guy who had been giving us the evil eye sauntered over to us and said 'would you like a table? I nearly said no thanks we like eating standing up but I kept my cool (which as you know, thats not always easy for me) . He then looked us up and down then asked, 'table for two is it?' again I nearly said said no we would like a table for six but I kept schtum and just nodded. Spotty led us to a very small tucked away table  and as we sat down he asked another fecking stupid question, he said ' would you like a menu?' that was it, I said  'no, we will just make up our own menu'. He didn't find this amusing and replied, 'I have to ask cos some people just want a drink'. I said, 'if I just wanted a drink I would stand at the bar, but cos I'm hungry I stood at the wait to be seated sign waiting to be showed to a table, a table I might add for two people as there is only two of us, and now that we are sitting at a table yes we want to see a menu so we know what food you have to offer'. I added 'you wanker' very quietly and he didn't hear me. I know its risky having a pop at the staff because one doesn't want to find snot and spit in the salad but I remember when catering staff looked clean and dressed properly. This mob all looked like a cross between David Bowie and Gary Newman. Anyway we ordered our meals, we both chose steak and they looked nice and tasted ok but the enjoyment was spoiled by an endless stream of pain in the arse staff coming over and asking if everything was ok. After about the sixth time I answered 'no, everything is not alright'. Spotty looked horrified and asked what the problem was. I said to him 'every time I take a bite, my steak gets smaller'. It tooks a few seconds for him to register then he walked away. Seconds later the manager came along. I say 'manager' because that was what his name badge said but this fool had a grey shirt and red tie and both were covered in what looked like minestrone soup. He asked if we had a problem and I said yes we are fed up with being interupted during our meal. Soup boy said it was how the staff are trained and its all part of customer service. I told him that we were discussing a drug deal and didn't want people over hearing where we stash our gear. Soup boy looked at me then said ' very funny sir' and walked away. We decided we wanted to leave so I motioned for the check, you know by waving my hand in the air and whispering 'check please'. Well fuck me not one of the dozy idiots wanted to know and none of them came over to us. So we sat there for a few minutes and the I stood up and approached one of the staff and said 'bring the bill or call the police, your choice but we are leaving' he looked a bit scared and said 'we have a panic button' I replied ' the check or the police your choice' luckily the manager was watching and came over. I paid the bill and did not leave a tip. I won't be going back there any time soon. It really gets on my man boobs when in a restaurant, and they all seem to be guilty, of constantly pestering you while you try to eat.I know I sound miserable but thats because I am. Here is an intersting fact, the human brain stops growing at 18 years old. La la la

TRAINS AND CABBAGES

No, the title is not about what you think it is. It has nothing to do with the Cripolymps. I am having my break coastal and as you all know its not my favourite place to be. Regardless of all the six fingered ginger haired people high sixing each other, I find it a bit banal and tedious down here. I'm sitting in the crew room trying to enjoy a decent cup of coffee and some chocolate Hob nobs and there various conversations are making it hard for me to relax and enjoy. One spanner has just said that the cabbages he planted several months ago (albeit they are a bit on the small size) are the tastiest he has grown in two years. The jellyhead he is talking to answered that with 'I found a cabbage on a train once, it was in a Tesco bag, so I took it home and gave it to the wife'. I mean come on, how riveting is that conversation. Across the room one old timer is moaning that the no smoking ban is ruining his health. The fact that he can't smoke in a cab is causing him to be stressed and that it is causing him to be negligent in looking after his Koi carp in his garden. The cleaner came in and demanded to know who had used his mop and bucket because it wasn't where he left it yesterday and another person is moaning that the trains appear dirtier than usual. I went into the tv room but I just don't want to watch a show about cemetaries, and yet there are seven people, male and female transfixed by the show and its descriptions of grave stones and how to look after grave stones and how to ensure that your grave stone says the right thing about you in thee afterlife. I don't care what mine will say, probably, some smart arse will put 'here lies fat dead bloke' I really don't care as long  as I am dead and not buried alive. I don't know if I believe in the afterlife but If there is one I hope there are no spiders there cos I hate spiders and  Heaven is supposed to be your own private Utopia. Back in the other room the cabbage man is trying to sell his small but tasty cabbages but no one wants any. This is because in the Co.op along the road from here you can get larger ones cheaper. Its not nice being coastal, even those who live coastal don't like it here. The guy who claims to have found a cabbage once has asked for a free cabbage and if his wife decides that it is really tasty he will consider buying one a month. Good grief my sanity is being tested today. Still never mind, only ten more years to go. Here is an interesting fact, the enamel on your teeth is the strongest substance in a human body. La la la

COASTAL SPIDERS

Today I was coastal. I had my break in a very small room. It's not a crew room but it is an officially designated place to have a break. You have to go down some gloomy stairs to get to this room. Its like a dungeon on the ground floor. The walls need a coat of paint,there is one small table and three tatty chairs, the lino is full of holes and cigarette burns, the bin hasn't been emptied in ages, the windows are dirty, there is hot water to make tea or coffee but no cold water for drinking and it smells like an old Frenchman. Don't laugh, those are its good points. I put my bag on the table and was going to make a coffee when I saw a massive (yes it was honest) spider on the floor. I didn't panic, I picked up a phone book, (why is there a phone book in a room with no phone?) and I slammed it down on the spider then stamped on the book twice, job done no problem. I went to the toilet and the dead spider must have had a brother cos on the wall was another spider just like it. I can't pee when I'm being watched and there was no phone book in the loo so being clever I picked up the toilet brush and whacked the spider. The spider stuck to the brush and it looked like it was still moving so I put the brush down the loo. I had my pee and pulled the chain. Again the damn spider looked still alive so I took the Harpic bottle from the window sill and emptied it in the loo to poison the spider, I'm hard I didn't care. I went back in the room to make my coffee and as I was filling my cup I heard a noise. I looked up and there on the dirty dust covered window was another bloody spider trying to get in through the air vent. I thought 'sod this, I'm off' I filled my cup, grabbed bag and left. I opened the door and fuck me there was a spider (not really big but still a spider) on the third step blocking my path to safety. So, again I didn't panic, I shout 'look over there, a sexy spider with no clothes on' and while the spider was distracted, I ran past up the stairs. When I reached the top I looked round and saw the spider was angry at being tricked, I laughed at it and walked away. As I was standing on the platform drinking my cooffee what did I see on the tracks? no not another spider but a bloody large rat. I threw my coffee at it and it ran off. I don't like ginger hair and I hate spiders. God knows how I would react if I saw a ginger haired spider. Here is an interesting fact, Russ Abbott was asked to appear in the film The Full Monty and turned it down, the part went to Tom Wilkinson. Russ Abbott said turning the role down was the biggest mistake of his career. (silly bald bastard ) la la la