BLOODY HERO

I gave blood today. After a full days work and a quick gym session, I went and donated blood.I didn't do it for the free car sticker which they didn't give me, I didn't do it for a free coaster which they were out of, and I didn't do it for the free cup of tea and a biscuit which was cheap tea and a bland biscuit. I did it cos it made me feel good. Yes, I was a bit woozy and felt faint watching my blood pour into the plastic bag beside the uncomfortable bed I was lying on, and I'm sure they took more than they needed, but now that I'm home and rested and I have a lovely bruise to show off, I feel that I have done a good deed today, which means I can be a complete bastard tomorrow, la la la

low score high esteem

I played golf today and I scored my lowest round ever. Let me say that again, my lowest score ever. I enjoy my golf and when I woke up this morning the weather looked grim. Those bloody dumb divs on the telly got it wrong again, they never mentioned rain and I was looking forward to an early tee off, but the weather was just too bad to play. I always like to have a plan B, so I got the tissue out and watched a movie, however I was more eager than I thought and so six minutes later it was still raining so I watched a different movie and luckily I wasn't as quick, anyway I stared out the window and waited. Anyway long story short the weather changed, I was super chilled and hit some of the sweetest golf shots ever. So my theory is always buy good quality tissue, and always have a good movie under the bed.

MISERABLE FLOWERS

I have just come back from the cemetary. I have never seen so many miserable people. It was like being at a West Ham match. There were women crying, there were men crying, there were men trying stop themselves from crying, and children who didnt want to be there. Even though the sun was shining and even though everyone here was obviously not at work today, the mood was decidedly downbeat. And to make matters worse, the choice of flowers was abysmal. The flower seller spent more money on her fake tan than she did on the flowers she was trying to off load. I dont normally buy flowers, ( cos the petrol station near me stopped selling them). But surely, if you are going to charge a bunch of grieving misery guts £11 for a handful of flowers, shouldnt they have more life in them then the people in the boxes we have come to visit?. She tried to say she was too busy to go to her usual supplier, luckily, there was some flowers lying on the ground not far away so I used those, the card attached was no good to me so I threw it away. And what about the snack wagon?, he didnt sell alcohol and the sandwiches are ex British Rail ones, the were so stiff I giving them to my grandkids to use as frisbees. Anyway, my duty has been done,I managed to get my car out the of the car park without running over anyone and its back to my brothers to drink his beer for a change.

NOISY PASSENGERS

I had to travel by train from Brighton to London this morning. At first it was ok the train was fairly empty and the noise levels were acceptable. I Was travelling with MCL and it looked like we were going to be having a decent chat on the way, but just minutes before departure about three hundred student tourists got on and suddenly my stree level rose dramatically. They were noisy badly dressed impolite and just down right ignorant pigs. They all had rucksacks and bottle of drinks and were eating take out food. It was the journey from hell and no one was in charge of them. I really was close to losing it a few times, but being the super passive person I am I managed to keep my temper under control. I just wish students who all claim to be poor would walk everywhere and leave us decent working people to travel in peace

Holidays

Its that time of year when i'm getting ready to go on my annual leave. I will try not to make the same mistake I made last year. As I was going through customs the jobsworth security guard whose hat was way too big asked me if I had packed my own suitcase so for a laugh I said no my mate Achmed packed for me then he asked me if the suitcase was in my sight at all times and I said no on the drive over to the airport the case was in the boot of the car and I couldn't see it. I can't remember how many times the man with the rubber gloves had his finger up my arse but it soon stopped being funny and I nearly missed the plane and I had to stand most of the way cos I had trouble sitting down. Anyway Last year was a good holiday even though they lost my luggage. This year I will try funnier jokes and hope they haven't heard them before

WHINGING WHINEY WASTERS

Two things are irritating me today. Firstly, too many people are moaning about the harsh sentences passed down on the people captured rioting, looting, thieving and causing mayhem. Well thats just too bad. If you cant do the time dont do the crime. I bet if some of these bleeding heart liberals were on the receiving end of the chaos they wouldnt be crying its un fair. Im glad that the punisment is tough. Regardless of who got shot, smashing up innocent shops and going on the rampage is just wrong. They all knew the risks so now eat the prison soap. I was angry and bored but I didnt go silly,I just stayed in and had some beer and tissue time. The second thing that is making my shit hang sideways is, in a previous blog I told you about some fat lazy slob of an ex cop, who spent his early retirement wedged in his armchair shovelling junk food down his throat until he couldnt move any more and was close to death. He demanded a gastric bypass band on the NHS to save him from dying of fattyness. Well at the time he was denied and told to lead a healthier lifestyle, but today, some 98 year old judge has decided that the fat dumptruck is too obese to excercise and has granted him the surgery. And how do you think this human skip celebrated his good fortune? the ferking idiot went and had a slap up meal. Well I hope they put the band tightly around his neck so that he can only eat one bean at a time. Better still, just like in the cartoons, stick a chocolate cake on a stick around his head and let him chase it. Or tell him that at the next riots he can have as many bands as he can loot provided he can keep up with the other looters running away with their stolen goods. He is a whinginging whiney waster.

ME AND SPIDERS

I dont like spiders. Im not scared of spiders I just dont like them. Every film I see about spiders makes me not like them even more. I am quite happy to stand on and kill any spider in my way. I am quite sure that if a spider was bigger than me it would do the same to me. In the films i watch, whenever a spider has the upper hand it tries to kill humans. And before you start making jokes about my size, yes, my previous job was to stand on top of wedding cakes. Any way, today I saw this bloody big spider and it was between me and the door so I could not get to my shotgun, so thinking quickly ( as all men do in times of trouble) I reached for my hoover. Now let me tell you about my hoover. In the early hours of the morning on a rest day I had just had a tissue moment and was having a beer watching QVC. Its quite possibly the most boring but addictive of the shopping channels and I was just in the process of ordering some scented tissues and laver gloves when they advertised this hoover. This hoover they said is the daddy of all hoovers. When using it, tie yourself to a table or chair cos this bastard can suck. Well I was a bit pissed but he said something like that. Anyway I bought this super dooper, sucking machine that came with a free, yes free, handy vac for the car, and also for an extra tenner a carpet washer as well. I couldnt pass that up so I looked at the clock it was half past three in the morning, so I dragged the enemy out of bed and made her order one. 7 to 10 days later it arrived. It looked the bollox, came with too muck packaging and the instructions were in Russian. Who cares, lets fire this baby up, I said to myself. Four days later after I had worked out how to use it I was bitterly disappointed. It was louder than Concorde and the cable was shorter than me. And to make things worse it was one with no bag, so the dirt was held in a plastic see thru chamber. So after every use I could see how dirty my house was. Any way when it was full I tried to empty it. A week later I figured out how to do that and now I have to empty it daily cos I dont like seeing the dirt in the chamber. People ask me why I keep buying T shirts, its because every fecking time I empty this bastard hoover im covered in dust. Any way back to this monstrous spider. I saw it and I hoovered it up. Job done. Oh no, no no. I was feeling pleased with myself and considering some tissue time when out the corner of my eye, something in the hoover moved. It was like a mini landslide as this fecking big spider climbed its way to the top and stared at me. I called the police but they hung up. I cant empty it cos it might end up jumping on me. Im not scared I just dont like spiders. Anyway I looked in the catalogue and a new hoover is in the post. My current is in the garden, I bought some lighter fluid, dug a hole and burnt it, with the arachnid still in it. Hard???? you bet I am.

RIOTS

Firstly, I dont intend to be polite. John Beauchamp, some of the things you said are fucking outragious and you deserve to be beaten senseless. Opinions are one thing but what you said just makes you a cunt. The silly fuckers doing the damage are just making it harder for the decent majority to get along with their lives. I have no doubt that 90% of the cockroaches arrested dont have jobs. Dont blame these fucking riots on some bloke getting shot cos we all know its got fuckall to do with that. Its just a bunch of thieving parasites who want any excuse to cause mayhem. as soon as one of them gets a slap from the old bill they will go running off to a solicitor the cowardly bastards. If it was about a man getting shot why are you raiding the shops.Go and protest outside a police station or is that too much common sense?. These riots are going to push up all our rates and insurances and make this great country a laughing stock, I actually dont know why I am writing this cos I doubt any of those thick wankers can read. I hope those responsible get caught and receive lenghty sentences. Apologies for the languge but sometimes its all they understand. Oh and by the way john beauchamp, just because you deleted what you said its too late, lots of people have read it and now think you are a tasteless crass disgusting moronic person.

NEW HOUSE DAY

My daughter moves in to her new house today. Guess who is footing the bill? A van was needed, guess who footed the bill? Heavy furniture was needed to be lifted and shifted, guess who ended up doing that? A skip was needed, guess who paid for that?. The garden nees tidying up and guess who they think is coming round tomorrow to do that? Well they can sod off. I have done enough running around and I have just hard a hard week.  Did I get a thank you?, oh sure I got the usual "love you daddy" crap and the obligatory hug but where was the six pack of beer I was hoping for?. I want to play golf tomorrow with Mad Cat Lady and it is not supposed to rain which means it will. MCL has been tucked up with lates all next week, ha ha  ( I mean oh dear thats a shame). The Champoinship (yawn) starts today so that means the real football is close and about time because its been a miserable couple of months without it. I just bought a jumbo pack of toilet roll and by mistake I got the scented kind. It smells nice but it causes chafing in sensitive areas (if you know what I mean). Anyway im home now and I have beer in the fridge so I am just going to have a quick shower, order a pizza and watch a movie (no not that kind, well maybe later I will) and enjoy my beer which I treated myself to and let  my body recover from a gruelling day.

CHICKEN OR FISH

I am not a big fan of Mcdonalds. Whenever I have  McDonalds I always get the McShits. Anyway this morning at about 10ish I was in there treating my grandchildren to a breakfast so that their mother could get her hair done. We were fourth in the queue and I asked them what they wanted and they both wanted the breakfast with pancakes and fruit juice. I was having a bagel and coffee. The queue moved fairly rapidly and the guy in front of us, when it was his turn took a while to read the menu on the wall then asked for a Big Mac meal and a Fillet of Fish  meal and two orange juices. The woman seving told him it was only breakfasts until 1030. This idiot then said "Oh sorry, can I just have the Fillet of Fish meal then? " The woman serving again told him it was only breakfasts for another half hour or so and the dopey bastard said to her " Fish is a breakfast" The woman replied "yes sir it is, if you are having kippers" The dopey bastard asked what sort of fish McDonalds used and the woman said "It looks like a fish, smells like a fish but doesn't taste like a fish which is why we cover them in batter, now, do you want a breakfast or can I serve the people behind you?. This man turned around and looked at my granddaughter and said to her " Its only breakfasts so don't ask for a meal" My grandaughter, who is eight calmly replied, "If I wanted a meal I would come here after 1030, I want pancakes so we are here for the breakfasts, are you having trouble understanding that? " the dopey bastard called her a cheeky monkey so I stood right up close and put on my angriest face and said "Listen you thick stupid moron, if she is a monkey then obviously you are more stupid than a primate, why don't you fark off and come back when you can read or tell the time" The dopey bastard asked the woman serving to call the manager and dhe said  "No, you are obviously to stupid to be outside on your own why don't you just leave and go back to whatever mental home you have escaped from, i'm fed up of dumb people who come in too early and want what's not on the menu" He turned to me and asked " Did you hear the way she spoke to me?" I replied "No now fark off cos i'm hungry" The stupid div threw some napkins in the air and left. We then had a fairly decent breakfast, the kids were happy and I was glad to get home and recycle the food I had just eaten . There should be a law banning morons from shopping and when I become London mayor I will add it to my list of things that will make life better. la la la diddly dee