WATCHTOWER

I have just had a right poxy shift and I have it again two days next week. On the way home I decided to treat myself so I stopped at the off licence. When I got home the house was empty. As I was changing I decided to have a tissue moment, so I got out my scented tissue and as I was choosing a film I was interupted by a knock on the door. I went downstair and opened the door. Outside was three people, two women and a man. The man held his hand out and said 'would you like a Watchtower sir?' and he had a copy in his hand. I said 'no thanks, the paper hurts my arse'. One of the woman, dressed like she was Amish, said 'thats not very nice'. I said, 'listen, I have literally just got in from a long days work and I just want to relax, I don't need your lot pestering me every couple of weeks'. The guy said, 'God loves a working man, how do you relax?. I said 'well actually, I was just about to smack the monkey' the second woman with a face like a bowl of coleslaw said, 'ooh thats cruel' I chuckled and said 'its actually quite fun' the first woman asked if the monkey had been naughty and I told her that after a shit long day smacking the monkey relieves my tension. The guy, who was wearing a suit I hope he eventually grows into said 'animal cruelty is a sin, do you hate animals sir? I laughed and said 'I love animals, especially when they are covered in gravy and served with chips'. The first woman asked, 'why would you do that? I said 'its my house and its not illegal to smack monkeys in you own home'. The second woman asked if smacking the monkey was a euphemism for something else and I said yes. All three gasped and called me a pig. I said 'at least I'm not stainding in the rain looking at a front door, now if you don't mind, my tissue is getting warm' and I slammed my door. I went back upstairs and do you know what? I almost didn't do it but I had already torn off a strip of tissue and I don't like to waste things, plus I love the smell of warm Aloe Vera with lime. La la la

ITS NOT RIGHT

I was watching the news this morning and I got very miffed. There was a news segment showing some miserable fat bearded farmer up north moaning that his fields are dry. He was moaning that it doesn't rain enough in this country. I listened to him whinging and I thought 'its not right' it rains far too much in this country. The news segment did show dry fields but it was so obvious that this was filmed ages ago. I really can't believe the powers that be expect us to believe there is a drought on. It's rained for almost two weeks and near where I live the sewers are over flowing. I can't believe that the hose pipe ban has not been lifted. Also on the news was a piece about the price of oil going down last week. Bloody hell, if the price went down last week, why the hell wasn't that passed on to us motorists? Its not right. I don't like the French (or people with ginger hair or Americans), but if the French aint happy they protest loudly. I think we should do the same. Lets boycott Shell garages until they put their prices down. It's not right that we as a voting nation are allowing our government to fist us vigourously and we do nothing. It's not right. We need to let ourselves be heard. Our government know we aint happy but they just don't care. If it was an election year they would do something for us. Bloody hell, even the jocks know how to get their MPs to earn their money. It's not right and we should protest very loudly. Rant over.

SOCIETY IS BROKEN

Driving home today made me realise that this country is going down the crapper. I saw a bus stop at a bus stop and there were about eight or nine people waiting. As soon as the bus stopped it was like a scrummage to get on. The queue, if you could call it a queue just disintergrated and everyone pushed and shoved their way on board. Age concern went out the window and the little old biddy was cast aside by younger stronger people. Politeness went out the same window as a tall track suiited man with blond hair that was dyed black at the roots shoved a woman with shopping out the way an got on before her. It was quite annoying to watch but at the same time I was reminded of the opening credits of The Simpsons, when Bart nicks the bus stop and everyone has to run. As I entered my street, I saw one of the residents walking her dog. A right ugly dirty older woman, never without a fag hanging from her rotten teeth, and always wearing a dirty apron over her equally dirty dress. I happen to know the dog was a gift from her grandkids cos she moaned that they didn't visit and she was lonely. They bought her a dog cos her house is a mess and they don't want to visit. Anyway, this mongrel dog took an almighty dump in the street and she just stood there. I asked if she was going to pick it up and her reply was 'no fucking way'. I said 'ok, leave it there, I will stuff it through your letter box later' she stuck her fingers up and I told her I wasn't joking. Earlier this week I was in a shop and a fat lady in a gold skirt (yeah , gold, she looked a right pillock was at the checkout on the mobile phone. I thought that was rude and I could tell the cashier wasn't too pleased either. Even worse was when the total came up the daft bat wanted to pay in small change and tried to count £18 in change whilst still having a conversation. It took fucking ages so I told her that she was rude. She kissed her teeth at me and I laughed. I said to her 'if you were black that might suit you, but seeing as you are a pikey low life, you just made yourself look like a right diloon' the cashier said she agreed and we both laughed this ridiculous woman out of the shop. I think we all need to start showing each other more respect and politeness. Don't get me wrong, I aint no saint and I think old people should have their own shops and I think pregnant women should stop whining about getting a seat on the bus and I think ginger haired people should stay home or wear a big hat, however manners cost nothing and it would be nice to know that a bus queue still works as a queue should, but can I just warn all the ignorint selfish pigs out there, if you are in my queue when a bus comes, if you try to jump in front of me you will end up under the bus. Actually, I'm too rich and posh to travel by bus so ignore that. OK if you are in my queue at the bar in the pub (which sounds more like it) don't jump in front of me cos I like my beer and you wouldn't want to have a bag of salted peanuts shoved up you nose by an angry sober me. Bottom line, lets all try to be nice. I hate David Cameron, Nick Clegg is a joke, Ken Livingston is a rodent, Boris Johnson is a fat waste of skin and my new pet hate Brian Paddick is not worth picking on cos he is mentally defenceless. La la la, vote for me.

SAINT GEORGES DAY

Its Saint Georgres Day today. I aint seen one banner or one car flying the flag. On the news this morning, that sick weasel Ken bastardface Livingston said it was right not to celebrate St Georges Day so as not to offend anyone. Can I just say, if anyone is offended please fuck off. When its St Patricks Day, millions of paddies and non paddies pack up work early and go on the piss, no one complains about that. When its Ramadam or some other Asian festival, parties are thrown in mosques and temples all over the country, when its Bastille Day the frogs all down tools and start singing about how they won their independence. Bloody hell it was only a week or so ago that a university wanted to shut the student bar so as not to offend the non drinkers. It quite simple folks, if you are a whinging whining boring sad bastard who finds something wrong with almost everything, stay at home turn out the lights and keep your miserableness to yourself. If you like drinking smoking and celebrating at each and every opportunity, buy some flags and wave them wildly and enjoy a drink. I have and I will again as soon as this poxy shift is over. La la la

WASH YOUR HANDS

I have been people watching this week, and I am equally amazed and appalled. It started a couple of days ago. I was in the staff toilet (not coastal) and I thought it was empty. I was at the urinal having a pee and I heard someone talking. I looked round but there was no one there. I was just shaking the drips when I heard someone say 'hang on a second'. Then I heard rustling and fumbling and then a toilet was flushed and a cubicle door opened. A conductor came out and he was on the phone. How nasty is that? He had a dump whilst on the phone. The shocking thing is he looked in the mirror and straightened his hair with his free hand and walked out, he didn't wash his hands the dirty bugger. Anyway, being the saint I am I washed my hands and went into the crew room and there was this disease spreading pig having cup of tea and a bag of crisps. I looked at him and stared hard he looked up and said 'what??' I shook my head and just said 'you know very well what'. It made me think how many other disgusting people are there that I work with. This first pig sucked his fingers whilst eating his crisps. He didn't wash his hands. Later in the day I saw another driver who was moaning about his aching feet take his shoes and socks off and rub his feet for several minutes and then put his shoes and socks back on then he went off to drive a train. He did not wash his hands. A female guard made a cup of tea in the kitchen, she took the tea bag out of the cup with a spoon and flicked it in the bin, when she did this she also dropped the spoon in the bin. She reached in and retrieved the spoon, wiped it on her sleeve and went and sat down , she too was having her lunch. She did not wash her hands. I have been watching people for several days and I am flabbergasted at how many people pick their noses, or reach into their pants for a scratch, dig out their ears with a finger nail and don't wash their hands. Years ago my mate had a wife who worked in a chemist and she was always off sick. I thought she was just a fat lazy bitch but my mate made the excuse that it was people entering the shop and spreading lurgies. Now that I think about it, he may have a point. We all heard the story about research into the bar snacks that are left out for customers to help themselves to. It was found they contained several different types of urine and faeces. Well it may be the same with the people you work with. I know I work with people who don't wash their hands and I'm bloody certain that people in my local pub don't either cos I've seen them piss and leave, mind you the towel in the pub is minging. So on that note here is my advice to everyone, wash your fucking hands.

MAYBE IM DIFFERENT

Maybe I'm different. I'm sitting in a coastal crew room and no one is reading todays paper. All the papers are from yesterday and Sunday. Maybe I'm different but the Metro is FREE everyday, so why aren't they reading todays FREE Metro? Don't get me wrong, as you know I'm not a big coastal fan and quite frankly I worry for my sanity if I'm down here too long, but I read yesterdays Metro and it wasn't that interesting and I binned the copy I had as soon as I had read it. There was two stories in it that caught my eye. One was that complete wanker (very rich wanker) Simon Cowell letting people know he shagged Dannii Bignose in 2007 and the story of the guy who was in a South African prison for 18 months. Firsly, if I had shagged Dannii Bignose in 2007, I would not of kept it a secret. I would have told everyone right away. Don't get me wrong, maybe its me, but I don't see where her talent is. Her sister has a small amount of talent and an ass to kill for but Dannii doesn't, however I would have shagged non stop until my eyes popped, she ain't a bad looking woman and the rumour is that she is a bit naughty between the sheets. Simon Cowell is universally regarded as a right pillock, but having squillions of pounds in the bank helps get good looking women into bed. I'm poor so I have to rely on my 8 inch tongue and ability to breathe out my ears. The second story that interested me was the guy who claims to have caught HIV from being gang raped in his cell. There was a picture of this guy looking sad and the story said he shared a cell with 90 other convicts. 90? Bloody hell thats a big cell. He claims that as the only white guy in the cell he was gang raped EIGHT OR NINE times a day for 18 months and thats how he got HIV. Maybe its me but getting raped 8 or 9 times once would have made me want to fight until they killed me. He claims it went on 8 or 9 times every day for a year and a half. Maybe its me but if that really happened to me I am damn sure I wouldn't be showing my face in the paper telling the whole world. While I was waiting for the kettle to boil, this guard I know briefly just sidled up to me and aid, 'lovely weather, aint it?' Its pissing down outside so I said 'its alright for those with webbed feet' his reply was 'if I won the lottery I would buy my own bus' maybe its me but I have no idea how he went from the weather to buying a bus. I quickly forgot about the kettle and walked away. I have 4 hours here, 4 hours of listening to the rain outside and listening to complete worzel gummidge type conversations. Maybe its me but today I don't feel lucky. At least I'm not in a South African prison (its probably just as brutal as being here).

COASTAL WEIRDOS

I am having my break in a coastal crew room. I really dont like having my breaks in coastal crew rooms cos I find these people to be a bit mental. I am listening to one wally telling people he is using paper plates at home to help with water shortage. There are two conductors who have just swapped nasal rings. Yes you heard me, two conductors have just swapped nasal rings. How disgusting is that? The snack machine is full but most of the crisps are out of date because the jellyhead who fills the machine went sick some time ago and didnt hand the key over to someone else and consequently the crisps are stale. The spare driver has dyed his hair black and stripes because he is a Newcastle fan, he looks fucking stupid. There is a smell coming from the kitchen sink because some threw onion soup down there and its now blocked. I have to sit here for 90 minutes. I want to use the loo but because its a bank holiday the cleaner is not in and the toilet looks like the cess pit in a zoo. I really want to be positive and say something nice but the sun is shining and its still cold. Everyone is dressed in unironed uniforms and they are moping about and whinging because they are at work. Hang on , I have found something to be positive about....I have beer in my fridge at home As soon as I say something positive I remember that I am working on bank holiday monday as well. One guy has just walked in and is wearing a Superman jumper, he looks ridiculous. I cant wait to get back to civilisation. We may be a miserable bunch in London but at least we aint weird. La la la

AMERICAS RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS

PHEW. Is it safe to come out from under the desk?? What is it with Americans and killing sprees? Another Yanker has gone crazy mad in a High school and shot dead a load of people. Why is it always High schools and why doesn't anyone notice some guy dressed like a ninja sitting at the back of a class stroking a high powered rifle? I suppose nearly 300 years ago when the American forefathers sat around that table drafting up the constitution, it seemed like a good idea to put in a clause stating everone had the right to bear arms. However don't forget, they were hiding from everyone and they were worried about being invaded by the British. They were so worried they roped in the French to give them a hand to fight the Brits. I read in the paper this morning that there are more guns in America than people. How scary is that? I suppose that explains why there are so many well armed gangs in America and according to the TV shows all the police have their own guns as well as their police issue ones. It never ceases to amaze me that out in the wilderness all the Rednecks and Hillbillies are armed to the teeth and shoot at anyone who can read and write and has more than one front tooth. Alarmingly, a so called psychologist has claimed that England is about 15 years behind America and it won't be long before we have their attitude to guns and will experience the same problems that they have. I can honestly believe that because we already have their compensation claiming culture and we have their 'its not my fault I'm obese culture' and we also have their worst habit, youths wearing their jeans below their fucking arse cheeks culture.. Its not just the public who run crazy mad over there, even their military are prone to going doolally. Just the other week one soldier ran amok and shot a bunch of people and what the fuck is Friendly Fire? Can you imagine getting a knock on the door and a high ranking general is standing telling your son has just been killed and when you ask if it was in action he says 'oops no sorry it was by one of his own.' It's a shame that this shooting thing keeps happening in America but at least it knocked our fuel crisis off the news for a while.