THE SWEENEY

Today I was coastal. It's not my favorite place. I am no fan of old people with ginger hair and I don't like seagulls. Anyway as luck would have it I had to have my break there and just outside the station is a cafe that sometimes has tomato sauce and sometimes doesn't. I was peckish and the two chicken rolls, packet of smokey bacon crisps and a twix hadn't filled me up so I went outside to buy a bacon and egg roll. The bloody place was closed and the sign in the window said 'gone for more butter, back in ten minutes'. I was a bit miffed but decided to go back to the crew room and have a coffee. As I walked back to the station I saw a man in his twenties carrying a surf board and as I watched him I noticed he wasn't dressed for surfing and just then a gust of wind blew him and the surf board over. I helped him to his feet and asked if he was ok and he said yeah I'm off to the pictures. I looked at my watch and it was only 09.25 so I asked whats with the surf board and he said its his mums but she doesn't use it anymore so he was dropping it off at a charity shop. I asked what film he was going to see and he said he was going to the Darby and Joan special to see The Sweeney. I told him I had seen it and that it wasn't all that great and fuck me I thought he was going to cry. He said it had taken him two weeks to get his mum to let him see it on his own and wanted it to be great. I told him I didn't think it was all that but maybe he would enjoy it. Anyway I let the silly div go on his way and I went to the crew room and made a coffee. Whilst I was there I saw a coastal bloke who I vaguely knew and we got talking. I told him about the jelly head with the surf board and about him going to see 'The Sweeney' and this guy said ' oh my God, best film ever 'I said 'you are joking' and he replied 'nah, I fooking loved it, Ray Winstone and Plan B are the best coppers ever, very realistic and bang on as to how coppers should be'. Well I nearly had a shit and dropped my coffee, I said to this guy ' are you telling me you thought the film was realistic ?. And he said ' yeah I thought it was aces' .I wanted to slap this dope but I remained calm and said 'what made you think it was realistic?' And he said the way they dished out the violence to the bad guys like the real sweeney did in the old days. I said 'listen silly bollox, cops didn't dish out baseball bat style beatings back then and they fucking sure as hell don't do it now, the character played by Plan B would never have even got through the doors of the police academy he was too thick and Ray Winstone is the same in every movie he has ever made' this muppet looked at me and said 'that's how the pigs are down here thats why we have a low crime rate in this town' I looked at him and shook my head. I said 'you have a low crime rate because this town is Gods waiting room, its full off old doddery bastards and coffin dodgers, you have two police officers and its more like a Tommy Cooper sketch living down here' He looked at me and said 'why don't you fuck off back to London we don't need your sort down here slagging us off'. I said to him 'ok I will go back to London after my break but do me a favour after I'm gone, go and see a shrink you dumb donut, I cant believe you are allowed out on your own'. I don't like it coastal, its like being on another planet. the Sweeney is an ok film but it aint great, its a waste of ninety minutes to anyone with an IQ north of sixty. Here is an interesting fact, emus are unable to walk backwards. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week. La la la

VERY ANNOYED

Today reading the Metro I am well and truly annoyed. Some low life burglar has been spared jail because some soppy old judge who is well past his sell by date has let him off if he promises to tidy his room. How the fecking hell has this been allowed to happen? This judge should instantly removed from sitting in charge of any more cases and be sent to a retirement home. We are now stuck with another scummy shitbag running around free to commit more crimes. It makes me very angry that we can jail a soldier for owning a gun that was given to him as a gift but some dirty rotten council estate cockroach can commit a multitude of sins and get a pat on the back. Also in the paper is a woman moaning that people dont give up their seats for pregnant women. I recently offered my seat to a pregnant woman and she called me a sexist. Im also annoyed because I have to work late shift next week. The world is going bloody mad and I blame everyone else but me. Here is an interesting fact, elephants cannot jump. Buy my E book, A Clean Week. La la la

DURING THE WAR

I was in the gym this morning and as I was getting changed there were two miserable middle aged guys having a moan. The first one said he could remember when men gave up their seats to ladies on buses. The second old fart said he saw a woman firefighter and thought it was outrageous that she didn't have a "real" job. The first one came back with the reply yeah I know, my grandson has become a male nurse which made the other guy laugh. The first one started complaining about youths hanging around on street corners causing mayhem and carnage and admitted that when he younger him and his mates used to hang around on corners but apart from wolf whistling at women they were usually well behaved. One of the two men then said he wished he were thirty years younger so that he could go travelling and the other guy laughed and said he travelled a lot when he was younger but he was carrying a rifle at the time in reference to his National Service. I was so glad to get changed into my gym kit. As I left the changing room I looked back and got an eye full of two crotchety men with varicose veins and liver spots, bad thinning hair wheezing as they dressed. I went into the gym and put in a powerhouse of a performance and finished with two circuits of the Marina which is about two miles. I must have done just over an hour and went to shower and fuck me those two old goats were still whinging. One was complaining about men having pedicures and his mate nodded in agreement and then said what about women posties and his friend said he hated women posties because now he can't answer the door in his pants in case he upsets the female race, and like I said this old bastard was covered in varicose veins and spots. I decided not to make myself suffer any more whinging from these two so I decided to shower at home, mine is a better shower anyway. I really hate people who live in the past, at work there are so many British Rail dinosaurs always moaning about the good old days, and how it was better when drivers were treated like Gods and punters were just mindless fish and managers were ex drivers who had lost the plot but sill knew the score when talking to drivers who had just messed up. Anyway, I am not a dinosaur and I live in the real world, I'm not very PC and I speak my (limited) mind. I want to be in charge of everything. Vote for me when the time comes la la la . Here is an interesting fact, the first person to use a cash point machine in this country was Reg Varney, a bad actor in an awful sitcom. It was shit then and its even worse now. la la la . BUY MY E.BOOK "A Clean Week". Its good.

CYCLISTS

Bloody cyclists, They really get on my tits. They are always moaning that motorists deliberately aim for them and try to knock them off their bikes, well boo fecking hoo. Ok, hands up who cares that that sideburn wearing weirdo got knocked off his bike and was injured. The silly arse has just won the Tour de France, he should have been at home humping a page three girl, not dashing around in his little lycra shorts and day-glo top showing off how fast he can go. It seems that every day on my way to work and at nearly every set of traffic lights some wally on two wheels feels the need not to stop and cause motorized vehicles to swerve and pedestrians to jump out of the way. Not one day goes by without these ignorant self absorbed silly plastic helmet wearing freaks charges out of a junction without a thought for any other road user. Why do male cyclists in their lycra shorts that are too tight, think people want to see how small their penis' are and what is with those silly shoes. Ok so Wiggins got hurt, big deal other non celebrity cyclists get hurt every day and no one bleats on about it. Wiggins was doing a bloody fair rate of knots when he hit the side of that van and famous or not I bet it hurt. Now all the skinny unhealthy looking cyclists are demand more road space and their own cycle lanes, well they can all fuck off. Learn the highway code, stick to the highway code and maybe, just maybe you will find yourselves having less accidents. I admit some drivers are totally blind and deaf and should have their driving licences shredded and their cars crushed but most of the car on bike accidents I witness the pratt in the hat is not obeying the rules of the road. Riding a bike should and could be great fun but some of those who ride think its some kind of war and don't you think its a bit of a coincidence that whenever BBC's Panarama sticks a camera on some twats helmet and sends him out to try and prove a point, he always ends up in the gutter after trying to play chicken with a bus. What about those cyclists who are too afraid to ride on the road and hurtle about on pavements, it should be legal to shove a lead pipe in their spokes. I saw one women recently on a bike, she had one child in front of her, one child towed behind her and one on her back, for fuck sake woman, buy a car or take the bus, those kids looked well afraid. Boris bikes are ugly. Here is an interesting fact,Andy Garcia was a Siamese twin. la la la

CLIVE DUNN

It would be remiss of us not to take a moment and acknowledge the passing of a comedy great, Clive Dunn. He was in a show called Dads Army and as a youngster I didn't find it funny but now that I am old enough to probably join the Home Guard I find it very amusing. There were many funny scenes with some very fine actors and the two phrases 'dont panic' and 'they don't like it up em' remain two of the very best. Clive died aged 92 which aint bad by any means. We all thought he played a doddery old buthcer turned killing machine very well but in reality he was only 48 when he played Jonesy. I can't believe some soppy dumb TV executive wants to make a new Dads Army film and have Captain Mainwaring played by a woman. No disrespect to the sisterhood but its a bloody stupid idea. There is no way a new Dads Army film should be made.. Interesting fact the Humming Bird is the only bird that can fly backwards!!!

TODAYS NONSENSE NEWS

Today in the paper two or three stories caught my eye. They caught my eye because of how absurd they were. It never ceases to amaze me that some people are so fecking up their own arse that they get a mention in the media. Story number one is about this silly blithering idiot in some remote village up north is moaning that the local dairy is importing German milk. Even though the milk is of a better quality and is cheaper he is moaning because there is no markings on the bottles 'warning' people that the milk is German. What drives people to become so insular that something so banal takes over their life? This guy obviously has no friends and is just being ridiculous for the hell of it. To me its a non story. Story number two and even dafter than the first is the council that is giving unemployed people free spray tans to boost their confidence (Richard doesn't need to apply). How fecking stupid is that? Instead of giving spray tans, help these work shy dole money grabbing losers a job. I can see it's clearly the type of person who is out of work but wants to walk around with a fake tan, the same jelly headed bimbo who watches TOWIE and shops at Iceland. What a waste of money. Personally when one of these fake tanned idiots turned up for their dole money I would say you have a tan you can obviously afford a holiday and stop their benefits. Story number three is about a 12 year old boy (nothing to do with Jimmy Saville) who had 80 pence and tried to buy a poppy and the daft bugger selling them refused because he said 80 pence was not enough. Well the British Legion website clearly states that no donation is too small so this over officious dimwit should be removed from his post as a seller. Now come to my favourite story about a subject I'm passionate about, obesity or as I call it fat people who blame others. This 15 year old thirteen stone boy is moaning that he is fat because junk food adverts are so good. Yep, you heard me, junk food adverts are so good. He likes the colours and the music and the good natured messages about getting quick meals. He claims he hasn't liked any forms of sport since he was five. Well listen up fatty, you ain't obese you are fat. Fat fat fat. You have no friends because they are all out doing sporty things and you are fat. The only way to get him out of the house is to spread butter around the door frame and dangle a chocolate cake at him. There was no picture of his parents but my guess is a pair of heffers. If all these bleeding heart tree hugging sandal wearing carrot crunching bearded weirdos stopped telling fat people its not their fault its a society problem maybe we can get back to taking the piss out of them until they slim down. It amazes me that they can charge you on airplanes for excess luggage but a big fat dumptruck taking up two seats and making the plane tilt pays the same for a ticket. If I was in charge....... Well you know the rest la la la , here is an interesting fact, the bones of a pigeon weigh less than its feathers. (keep you chin up RB)