THE SWEENEY

Today I was coastal. It's not my favorite place. I am no fan of old people with ginger hair and I don't like seagulls. Anyway as luck would have it I had to have my break there and just outside the station is a cafe that sometimes has tomato sauce and sometimes doesn't. I was peckish and the two chicken rolls, packet of smokey bacon crisps and a twix hadn't filled me up so I went outside to buy a bacon and egg roll. The bloody place was closed and the sign in the window said 'gone for more butter, back in ten minutes'. I was a bit miffed but decided to go back to the crew room and have a coffee. As I walked back to the station I saw a man in his twenties carrying a surf board and as I watched him I noticed he wasn't dressed for surfing and just then a gust of wind blew him and the surf board over. I helped him to his feet and asked if he was ok and he said yeah I'm off to the pictures. I looked at my watch and it was only 09.25 so I asked whats with the surf board and he said its his mums but she doesn't use it anymore so he was dropping it off at a charity shop. I asked what film he was going to see and he said he was going to the Darby and Joan special to see The Sweeney. I told him I had seen it and that it wasn't all that great and fuck me I thought he was going to cry. He said it had taken him two weeks to get his mum to let him see it on his own and wanted it to be great. I told him I didn't think it was all that but maybe he would enjoy it. Anyway I let the silly div go on his way and I went to the crew room and made a coffee. Whilst I was there I saw a coastal bloke who I vaguely knew and we got talking. I told him about the jelly head with the surf board and about him going to see 'The Sweeney' and this guy said ' oh my God, best film ever 'I said 'you are joking' and he replied 'nah, I fooking loved it, Ray Winstone and Plan B are the best coppers ever, very realistic and bang on as to how coppers should be'. Well I nearly had a shit and dropped my coffee, I said to this guy ' are you telling me you thought the film was realistic ?. And he said ' yeah I thought it was aces' .I wanted to slap this dope but I remained calm and said 'what made you think it was realistic?' And he said the way they dished out the violence to the bad guys like the real sweeney did in the old days. I said 'listen silly bollox, cops didn't dish out baseball bat style beatings back then and they fucking sure as hell don't do it now, the character played by Plan B would never have even got through the doors of the police academy he was too thick and Ray Winstone is the same in every movie he has ever made' this muppet looked at me and said 'that's how the pigs are down here thats why we have a low crime rate in this town' I looked at him and shook my head. I said 'you have a low crime rate because this town is Gods waiting room, its full off old doddery bastards and coffin dodgers, you have two police officers and its more like a Tommy Cooper sketch living down here' He looked at me and said 'why don't you fuck off back to London we don't need your sort down here slagging us off'. I said to him 'ok I will go back to London after my break but do me a favour after I'm gone, go and see a shrink you dumb donut, I cant believe you are allowed out on your own'. I don't like it coastal, its like being on another planet. the Sweeney is an ok film but it aint great, its a waste of ninety minutes to anyone with an IQ north of sixty. Here is an interesting fact, emus are unable to walk backwards. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week. La la la