MALINGERERS

I work with some right sissy lightweight shirkers. Yesterday, one guy went home sick. He claims that he tried to open a door with wet hands and lost his grip and slipped, banged his head and got concussion. He managed to get to work before deciding he had a sore head, and our soppy managers sent him home. It had nothing to do with the fact that he has to work this bank holiday and spent the last four days trying to get out of it but failed. It amazes me how low some of these so called 'men' will sink to take a day off. One guy (married) didn't come in because his fridge had defrosted. One guy didn't come in because his pratnav sent him the wrong way and he got lost and stressed so went back home, (how he found his way home I don't know). One guy claiming to be be ex army couldn't come in because he was suffering from vertigo. Yes I said vertigo, our trains run along the ground and our crew room is on the first floor, how fecking bad can vertigo get? This jellyhead should buy a bungalow and live in the basement.one guy couldn't come in because his baby said its first words and he was overcome with emotion, fecking hell man get a grip. Anyway, the next time you are standing in the pissing cold and rain waiting for a train that ain't coming, those are some of the reasons why. On a different note, I was coastal today and I overheard one guy tell his mate that Britain dont do well in the Eurovision song contest because the rest of the world envy our contribution to the music industry. I larfed so hard when said that, I almost dropped my pork pie sandwich. Here is some of our contribution to the music world........Steps, Hearsay, Bucks Fizz, JLS, Max Bygraves, Chesney Hawkes, Spice Girls, Boysone, Martine McKutcheon, Paul Gasgoine (he did a very very bad version of Fog On The Tyne) Ron Atkinson made an album, that Spurs song about Ozzie Ardilles, the England world cup song with John Barnes, hang on, make that every England world cup song, Kevin Keegan and Chris Waddle, oh my God my bowels are opening just thinking about the noise we have had inflicted upon us. Can I assure the rest of the world they have nothing to fear from Britains 'contribution' to the world of music.. la la la.

SLOW AND LATE

I bloody hate cab drivers. They drive so bleeding slow. This morning the Old Kent Road was like a car park at 5am this morning. No one seemed interested in going any where fast. No one was going faster than 22 miles an hour. When I eventually got to the Elephant and Castle, there were 3 bacon vans, sorry I mean 3 police carriers doing about 18 miles an hour and no one seemed to have the balls to over take. I did. I overtook three of the vans and I was only doing 24 miles an hour. I waited for the inevitable tug but it must have been the going home convoy cos they didn't stop me. Anyway, I got to Horseferry Road and feck me two bastard cab drivers were tootling along side by side blocking the road. I tooted my horn loudly and longly, and the dopey one of the two pulled over but the Einstein of the two moved over to take the centre of the road. So , me being me I wound down my window and called the man a ' trucking front ', or words to that effect. He gave me the finger so I gave him the wanker sigh, being brave he again gave me the finger then took a sharp left and sped off. I didn't really care cos I was on my way to work and didn't want to be late. As I turned into Vauxhall Bridge Road this other numbty delivery driver whose van had rear and side doors was parked facing the wrong way so he was unloading in the middle of the street. I resisted the urge to run his stock over and swerved and finally made it on time to work. When I booked on I was informed that a derailment was causing havoc in the Croydon area. The conductor I had is known as Peter Panic cos everything is a problem for him. He was concerned about the punter moaning to him. I told him to lock himself in the back cab and hide, which he did and we had a very slow journey to the coast. It really did not faze me at all as I pulled into most of the stations and seeing disgruntled punters tapping their cheap Timexes and saying 'oi you're late' I just looked blankly ahead grinning like a mental patient. Anyway the journey back was slightly less annoying, not by much, and I'm now home having a pint of 'calm down lager' and I'm doing the same crap tomorrow. Its not that I drive fast, its just that I detest slow stoopid people.

DUCKING AND DIVING

Next week is a bank holiday. The queen has decided to let the workers have a day off for putting up with her and her wayward family for decades. I am happy to have an extra day off as it means more time to drink beer. Howver, I am surprised at how many people at work are moaning. Some want to work so they can have double time and some want the day off because the weather will be nice. I dont care either way. If I work I will get the extra money, if I dont then its beer and a BBQ in the garden. I feel sorry for the Queen. I bet she is sick and tired of having to endure yet another day in the gold fish bowl she calls daily life. I have no doubt that she would rather be at home wih a cup of tea and her corgis rather then faking a smile and waving at people she doesnt know or really care about. Where I work there are so many people trying to get the longer shifts so that the pay will be greater and there are people who are already making excuses for not coming in. I still dont know how they epect people to get to work they are planning to close so many roads. I am sitting here listening to people who take the tube normally but when the roads are closed next week they are planning to try and come in by car.ducking and diving is so common at this place it amazes me that trains run. On top of the usual shirkers we have an awful lot of lazy malingers and a permanent long term sick list. Trust when I say this, next week, dont travel, stay at home, watch it on telly.

SEABISCUIT

The only person who was ever charged with the Lockerbie bombing has eventually died. Dont get me wrong, im not sorry, and I dont think this draws a line under the whole sorry saga, I just think that this guy obviosly wasnt acting alone and I think it was a rotten thing to do by dying on the same day as Robin Gibb. It took away a lot of good press that Robin Gibb deserved. The way we were told the man should have died 3 years ago. According to the media he was practically in the box and they were screwing down the lid. It was sickening to see him desend those airplane steps welcomed like a hero. Another sicking sight was seeing shagger John Terry change into his football shirt to celebrate with the team he let down in the semi final. I really dislike John Terry. I cant remember a more disappointing final to watch being won by a team playing so boringly. David Cameron was pictured cheering at the final whistle even though he is on record as being an Aston Villa fan. I dint vote for him, I dont like him but he came under a bit of stick for taking a night off once a week to spend time with Seabiscuit. Sorry , I mean Samantha. I call her Seabiscuit because her face reminds me of a horse. I know some of you may think thats a bit cruel but im not a Sun reader so im entitled to my opinion. Actually, I applaud the chinless wonder for making time to get away from the rigours of running this wonderful country. I dont like him or the other chinless wonders he has surrounded himself with but family is family. Anyway, Robin Gibb died, apparently he was a singer with his two brothers. I honestly dont think I ever bought one of their records, and now the price has gone up, I dont think I ever will. They seemed like a decent bunch of chaps those Bee Gees and its a shame only one is left. Im wondering whether I should put him on my list. Im just returning from a day being coastal. It was awful. The sun is shining and I think ever pair of legs over the age of 74 and covered in varicose veins was on display. It hurts my eyes to see so many pasty pale skins in shorts that dont fit traipsing around everytime we get a hint of sunshine. I love the summer and I like to be loosely dressed but my God there are some very ugly misshpen people living in our rural cities. It doesnt bother me cos im damn sexy to look at and my body is toned( yes I am and yes it is ) but some people on go to the gym to use the snack machine. When I get in power, I will insist on mandatory excercise for everyone. For those unhealthy fat folks who have just said they wont vote me, think about for a while.....a country full of healthy tanned hunky people, or a country like Florida and Texas. You know it makes sense. Vote for me. La la la

WATCH THIS SPACE

I'm tired and I have been working hard these last few days, don't panic, I have some opinions that I want to run by you. Robin Gibb, The Lockerbie bomber, the Champions League final and David Cameron are all in my sights. But I just need a good sleep and then both barrels will be unleashed on the unsuspecting and on the those who deserve it. I have some axe's to grind, oh boy don't get me started on the Olympics and the road closures and someone tell Liz, I ain't looking forward to the bank holiday I may have to endure. Watch this space, its going to be loud, and its going to be angry, and you know it will be bang on. La la la .

WHERES CASEY

I am coastal today. As usual the weather isn't great. I was feeling a bit peckish so on my way to the crew room I stopped off in the cafe. The sign said 'Today's Special, chicken salad baguette and tomato soup £3'. I thought that was quite good so I ordered it. The lady behind the counter said 'sorry we are out of chicken' I said 'ok, can I have a cheese and ham baguette and a tomato soup instead then please?. She looked at me like I had just asked for a shag on the counter and said, 'we are out of tomato soup'. I looked at my watch, it was 10.28. I asked, 'why does the sign say today's special when you clearly have no special, shouldn't you take the sign down to avoid confusion? She looked at me and growled 'the manager put it up, she can take it down'. So because I was hungry I asked for a bacon and egg roll, she asked' do you want it hot? I just said 'don't bother, i'll have a cheese roll instead, I paid and left the shop. As I opened the door I was nearly bundled over by some guy about 20 years old. I said 'sorry mate' and kept walking. He called after me and said 'Are you a train driver?' I replied 'yes'. He said, 'If I give you my CV will you hand it in to your personnel department'. I said 'It doesn't work like that mate, you have to apply online'. He said 'Online, what's that? I said to him never mind, you just failed the test'. I walked away and went to the crew room. I was just about to bite into my roll when the only other guy in the room asked 'have you been to the cafe? I replied ' what gave it away?. He said 'Did you see Casey? I asked 'who is Casey? And he said 'Casey is our local village idiot, he likes to go to the cafe on fridays and wants to be a train driver'. I said ' no I didn't see him' this guy said 'what do you mean you didn't see him? I said 'I didn't see anyone, I spoke to the woman who served me and that was it 'this guy stood up and said 'you must have seen him' I replied 'no mate I didn't' He left the room and came back with another guy and this other idiot said 'Where's Casey? So I said 'who the hell is Casey? And guy number two said 'Casey is our friendly village idiot' I said, 'when im down here all you idiots look the same to me 'this bloke said 'you must have seen him' I said 'no I didn't, now do you mind if I eat my roll?. They both left the room and came back with a woman, and this woman also said 'have you seen Casey? I said 'look, I don't know Casey, I ain't seen Casey, and if I do see Casey I won't know its Casey cos I don't know Casey'. The woman said, 'but its friday, he is always about on friday'. I looked up and said to the three of them 'Casey, is he about 20 years old looks a bit divvy and wants to be a train driver' Guy number one said 'yeah that's him, have you seen him? I said 'no, now sod off and leave me alone, I'm on my break'. They all left the room and I could hear them outside talking amongst themselves about Casey and his whereabouts. My cheese roll was horrible.

JUNK FOOD TAX

Those bloody Yankers are at it again. I read in todays paper that the powers that be across the pond want to impose a 20 - 30% tax on fast food. Apparently, the pencil pushing, lentil munching, tree hugging, sandal wearing carrot crunching scraggly beard brigade have just finished a two year survey and have just found out that people prefer to pay less for fizzy drinks and sweets. REALLY? It took two years to learn the bleeding obvious? Now they want to put the price of fast food up to deter people from buying it. What a load of crap. We don't need a survey to tell us to we prefer to spend less on food. In fact we have a perfectly good system that dictates how we spend our money. Those that can't afford to shop at Marks and Spencer shop at Tesco, those that can't afford Tesco go to Iceland and those that can't afford Iceland go to Lidls. I can picture it now, some fat slob wobbling to his doctor and whinging that he is fat but its not his fault and I can see the doctor patting him on the knee saying 'there there, you poor thing, I will send you to the hospital where you can have a gastric band costing several thousand pounds fitted free on the NHS and in a couple of years when you have lost a bit of weight we will take it out and you can go back to eating yourself to death' .What the doctor should do is look the fat pig in the eye and say ' put down that box of cream cakes you tubbo and go for a jog'. It amazes me that TV is bombarded by McDonalds and Burger King adverts and yet they want to put the price up. You never see adverts for the local Chinese takeaway do you ? I have been to america a few times and I have to say I'm not impressed. The first time I went to Disneyland I saw so many fat people, I thought it was a retirement village for sumo wrestlers. Its not the long queues that bothered me it was the length of time it took squeezing the slobs into the rides. We have some lovely parks in this country but the only people who use them are junkies muggers and rapists. I have decided I don't want to be London Mayor any more, I want to be Prime Minister. The one we curly have is a chinless wonder who is too spineless to stand up against other nations sticking their noses in our business. I would round up all the very fat people and get a cattle prod and chase them round a park for one hour every day til they lost enough weight. There are two reasons why people are fat. One, they don't excercise and two they stuff way too much food in that hole in the middle of their face. If you can't afford a gym membership because you spunk all your money on chocolate and crisps, go for a walk, its free (well it is now until the government can find a way to tax it). We should stop being nice to these two legged hippos. Tell them the truth, you ain't obese, YOU ARE FAT. Now put down that packet of biscuits and start running. Vote for me. La la la

WHAT A WEEKEND

What a weekend. The last games of the season in the Premiership, rare warm sunshine weather, and I was helping someone move home. Where to start? Manchester City have at long last won the league. It only took 44 years and a gazillion quid. I don't begrudge them the win, I hate Manchester United so I was glad to see anyone but United win it. What I didn't like was seeing Scarface Tevez trying to be happy smiley with Mancini. I think Mancini composed himself very well when Tevez couldn't be bothered to drag his over paid fat arse off the bench to help his team, and if it had been me I would have let him rot in the reserve team. Still having been miffed at seeing Tevez kiss the trophy, I was very pleased to see Fergusons face when he heard that United had not won it. His face is now my screen saver as it makes me really happy everytime I look at it. He blamed poor refereeing decisions and time wasting and play acting by other teams that cost United the title. Well Mr Ferguson, if anyone was the victim of all that, it was the rest of the league when they played against your team. Football rant over, lets move on. The weather. The weather was a rare delight, it was warm sunny and to top it all, I was off. Well I say I was off but I helped someone move home. I will never ever help do that again. It all went wrong when we went to hire the van. I was the driver and the movee was paying. The idiot behind the counter wanted to know why I wasn't paying. So I told him that my friend was moving but didn't drive, so I was driving as a favour but my friend who was moving was paying. The idiot seemed a bit put out and said it was messing up his paperwork. He wanted me to pay and get the money from my friend. When I asked why he said he didn't want two names on one sheet. I called his supervisor who was eating a sandwich and explained the situation and it took all four of us to explain to the idiot that it was ok. When the deal was done and the supervisor showed us to our van I asked him why he kept such a moron on the payroll. Turns out he got caught shagging some pooper and the idiot is his wifes brother and she made him take him on and he confessed that a lot of deals did not go through and was costing him a fortune but it was still cheaper than a divorce. Then we get to the actual moving. Guess which fool did all the heavy lifting? Yep that's right, it was me. Guess which fool was sweating like a rapist lugging heavy boxes that kept splitting because they were too fecking over packed and had to be repacked time and time again. I kept getting told help was on the way but 'help' never arrived. I spent two whole hot sweaty days lugging heavy over packed boxes up and down stairs. I spent two hot sweaty days moving one person and a dog from one flat and moving another person and a dog to another. Admittedly, I did get a free chinese meal and a copious amount of Stella for my troubles, but it was two rare sunny days that will probably end up being our summer, and my whole body aches. It was most definately a workout. In fact if I had spent two days in the gym, I don't think I would have worked that hard. Sometimes I hate being such a nice helpful loveable wonderful man, but I am. I just am, but I know all my effort was appreciated so that's ok. La la la. What a weekend it was. It's now Monday and guess what? Its fecking raining.

BANK HOLIDAY

Tomorrow is Bank Holiday Monday. Four weeks ago, I was all ready to have a good one. I bought a nice big multi tiered BBQ and some new garden furniture, and I had my garden landscaped. It cost me a fecking fortune. I must be mad or just plain stupid. The weather is going to be abysmal. I should know by now not to trust the weather forecasters. Each and every time they get it wrong. I was hoping for some decent weather. I thought it doesn't have to be hot it just needs to be warm and dry. All I wanted was dry weather. I have been looking at BBQ cookbooks and looking at BBQ drinks and I was going to have a really good one. All my family and both my friends were gonna attend and be very well fed and leave very pissed. But the weather won't be very nice, or very dry, or very warm. It's going to be a typical bank holiday type of weather day. Don't we deserve a nice dry hot bank holiday? The government have implemented a hose pipe ban and the day after they did it has rained non stop. It's the kind of weather Noah built the Ark for. My good friend Maureen lives in Portugal and I envy her so much. It's all right for the Scottish and the Welsh, they are used to all this wet weather. I have a freezer full of BBQ type food and a garage full of Stella, and I won't be able to show off my hosting skills. Looks like another day stuck in the Wibbley Wobbley pub. I told my grandkid's they could help me cook on the BBQ but it looks like I am going to have to appease them with Burger King crap. I love this country I just wish we had better weather. I joked about it with Levi, and she pointed out that the sun made an appearance one day, several weeks ago and that was possibly our summer and we missed it. Still look on the bright side, I have forty pieces of chicken and thirty burgers and three cases of beer and eight bottles of wine I don't have to share. la la la

JUSTICE IS SERVED

On my way home, I stopped off to buy some beer (I have beer in the fridge, this was my emergency beer). As I left the shop, just up the road, I saw a crowd being noisy. Being nosey I went to have a look. I saw two men kicking the crap out of some pikey kid in his early twenties. They were punching and kicking and stomping the shit out of this kid and he was blubbing and bleeding and crying. No-one was helping and I felt sorry for this kid. I weighed up the size of these two men and I thought, I know some martial arts and I was quite a good boxer in my late teens and early twenties, I could probably save this kid from more damage and hurt from at least one if not both of these men. I heard sirens and almost immediately an ambulance came upon us but went past by about two hundred yards. What I didn't know is that while I was in the shop this pikey kid with an Iron Maiden T shirt and a silly pair of earrings had just punched and old man in the face and robbed him. Someone had yelled 'stop that mugger' and these two men did. They dragged him back to the victim and he managed to squirm his way out. They chased him and when they caught him the silly fecker threw a punch at one of them. Well these two men as I just said became judge and jury and pummelled the toerag to the floor. They dragged his bleeding simpering carcass back to where the old man was being treated and returned the old mans wallet. The old man struggled to his feet and spat on the mugger. Just then more sirens were heard and a police car (late as usual) came into view. One of the men punched the mugger in the stomach and the other kicked him in the ribs. The toerag went down like an Italian footballer and the two men run off. The police got out and started asking for witnesses. Everyone saw the mugging but no-one saw the retribution. One lady told the police the old man beat him up but I don't think they believed her. The mugger asked for medical assistance but the paramedics said they had used all their stuff on the old man. They took the old man to hospital and the two bacon carted the mugger away. I wish I had stepped up and put at least one kick on that dirty rotten pikey. Muggers are lower than pond scum. Justice was served. La la la

CONTENT LOCK

I have been having trouble with my mobile phone. These last few days it has not been letting me access the internet and has been showing a page saying 'Content Lock, you must be over 18 to access this service'. Well I'm definately over 18 and I was getting a bit miffed about not having the internet. I asked Levi to have a look at my phone, when it comes to phones and computers, she is a bit of a genius. She tried to fix the phone itself but had no luck. We rang T.Mobile and the automated service said try online so we tried that, again no luck. The automated service said if I was still having problems, I should go to a phone shop and prove I'm over 18. Now bearing in mind it was Friday afternoon and I wanted to go to the pub I wasn't in the best mood but I wanted my phone to work so I got some i'd and went to the Carphone Warhouse. The lady behind the counter was about 30 and looked like she put her make up on while having a sneezing fit, and her skirt showed too much of her really nobbly knees. I told her about my phone problem and she said that all she could do was ring T.mobile which I said was fine. So she rang them and handed me the phone. An Asian sounding woman answered and said 'Herro, my name is Amy, how may I hellup you? I told her about the content lock and she said 'Have you tried turning it off and then back on?' I said 'yes'. She said 'well that usually works, are you over 18?' I replied 'yes by about 30 years' she then said 'I will pass you over to my correague' (its a bit racist but thats how she sounded). Anyway a few moments later I heard 'Hello, this is Casey speaking how may I help you?' So I told him about the content lock and this jellyhead asked, 'Have you tried turning it off and on again?' I said 'yes I tried that several times, then I took it on a trip to the zoo, on the way back we went to the park and I let it play on the swings but it still says content lock'. He said 'There is no need to be sarcastic sir' I said 'Look I paid good money for this phone and I picked this tariff for the internet, so do your job and sort it out.' He got all huffy and said 'I will remove content lock sir but I have to warn you that if we suspect someone under 18 accessing material they shouldn't we will notify the police and suspend your service'. I replied 'yeah, good luck with that'. He asked 'Are you saying a minor may have access to adult material from your phone?' I said 'No, but if they did how would you know?' He said 'We have our ways'. I said 'well don't worry cos only I use this phone so remove the lock please. He said 'Ok I will, turn it off and wait a few seconds then turn it back on, it should be fine then, I'm now handing you back to Amy'. Amy said 'Herro, have you turned it off? I said 'yes and now I'm turning it back on'. She said is it working? I said 'hang on a minute give it time to power up' she said, 'I have other customers waiting sir' I replied 'sod them, you're dealing with me now'. When I had a signal I tried to access the internet and it came on. I thanked Amy for her 'help' and she was just half way through the warning Casey gave me when I hung up. Walking home I got a text from T.mobile, it said, Thank you for visiting T.Mobile, we would like you feedback to help our customers stay happy. On a scale of one to ten, one being poor and ten being fantastic how would you rate our service today? Well I was fairly happyy that the shop girl rang T.Mobile so I typed in 3 and sent it. A short while later I got another text saying 'Thank you for the good score, we look forward to you custom for many more years'. I thought 'whose being sarcastic now'. I rang Levi and told her, she called me a grumpy old git. I know I'm old and grumpy, but what is a git?. La la la

MOAN IF YOU VOTED

Did you vote? I did. I was amazed at how many people at work didn't. One guy said he didn't vote because 'all MPs are c++ts'. That's a sweeping generalisation and is way out of touch. I agree that a vast number of MPs are useless, but if you don't vote you don't get to vote. I was talking to Levi, a very intelligent woman and she told me who she was voting for and why. She made some very clever points and that's her choice. I didn't vote exactly the same and that's my choice. Voting in this country is not a God given right, a lot of people have died or suffered so that we have the right to vote. I recently voted on who should be our number two union rep, a decision I regret. The guy I helped elect, I won't use his real name so lets call him Jay, is a lazy idle, skiving tuck up merchant, he rarely does a full days work and is late on a regular basis and those are his good points. I helped vote him in si I can moan when he displeases me. If you don't vote you don't get a say. Use your vote next time and do some good. What I'm trying to say is that if you voted, stand up and have your moan, if you didn't vote, stand at the back and keep your gob shut.

IS THIS YOUR CAR

I got stopped the police in my car today. It's not the first time but its still fecking annoying. I was driving along listening to my 'Teach yourself Italian' cd which the lovely Levi made for me and in the opposite direction a police car was passing. I took no notice, I wasn't speeding all my lights work, I'm not wanted by the police and my car is fully legal. Amyway this police car had two cops in it and as the they passed the driver gave me a filty look. I look back at him then just ignored them. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the car turn around, I thought 'bloody hell not again'. I was on a side road so I turned right and got on to a main road and sure enough these two bastards followed me. I kept going and made sure I didn't over do the speed. Just ahead was a McDonalds drive in so I headed for that. Sure enough the bacon followed me in and I pulled into a bay and got out. The plod parked across my car blocking me in and the driver called out 'just a minute you' I stopped and waited for the plod to come over. The driver said 'where are you going sir?' I looked around and pointed at the giant yellow M and replied 'where do you think I'm going' bacon number two said 'no need to get funny, its a reasonable question'. I said 'we are in a McDonalds drive in, and you ask me where I'm going, its not a reasonable question its a daft one'. Bacon number one asked 'is that your car sir' I said yes, so he said 'whats the registration?. I said move you car and I will read it to you' bacon numberr two said 'don't you know your own number? I said yes but I was gonna let you watch me read it to you. Bacon one said 'its only a routine stop, you looked a bit iffy when we passed you' I said 'no, I looked a bit black when you passed me' this got their backs up and bacon one said indignantly' are you calling all police officers racist? I replied, 'not all of you, just the one's that stop me two or three times every week for no reason' bacon number two asked 'what's your name sir? I said radio in my number plate and the name you get is mine' bacon one reached for his radio and whilst he was doing that bacon two walked over to my car and tried the door. It was locked he looked at me and asked me to open the door. I said 'no, show me a warrant or call for back up cos I aint helping you at all' bacon one got off the radio and asked my name so I told him and he said to the other bacon 'lets go, he's clean' they got in their car and I got in mine, the driving bacon said 'I thought you wanted something to eat? And I replied, 'you have put me off my food'. I hate cops, I try not to but I fecking do. I was half thinking about voting for Brian Paddick but he can go and feck himself now. Better still he can go and feck Ken Livingston instead. I hate cops, I don't think they are all racist I just think they are all bastards.