MOAN MOAN MOAN

At work today it seemed like every one had the hump. it seemed like no on was talking, they were all just moaning. one guy was moaning because he has to wear glasses now, another was moaning because he islate turn next week, another was moaning because he wants to work overtime when he does he gets too tired. The mamagers were moaning because lots of drivers are off track, some drivers were moaning because other drivers are off track, it was doing my bloody head in. Now its time for my moan. I really hate the new look metro paper. I know its free and only takes ten minutes to read but its now filled with more soppy adverts. They took out the daily cartoon and replaced with some rubbish about a cat and the letters page looks like its been edited by a mental patient. Also annoying me today is Prince Chinless Wonder ( william). There is a picture of him at the controls of a helicopter and he is being hailed as a hero for doing his job. Hundreds of other helicopter pilots save lives every day and they dont get a mention. Why should he? Also that fat bumbling berk Boris johnson wants people travelling on public transport to pay more for their journeys. He is so lucky that Im going out tonight or I would go round to his house and shove my travel pass up his fat freeloading backside.
Oh and another thing, a message to all you silly idiots still wearing shorts and sandells, its fecking cold outside and I dont like looking at your blue legs, I dont want to catch your nasty germs and most importantly, its fecking cols outside, so cover up, be sensible and be warm you dopes. The elections for London Mayor is looming, if you want a safer London, if you want better public transport and if you just want london to be better, vote for me. la la la diddly dee.

NOT MY DAY

I had to work today. I didn't mind as it was a bit of a short duty. But as soon as I got there I knew it was going to turn to crap. There were engineering works on nearly all the coastal routes except the on I was working. I had decided not to take sandwiches because there is a nice cafe I was going to visit. when I got there the bloody place was closed for staff training. I have been hungry all day. Its my sons 23rd birthday and it has cost me a small fortune, but hey, hopefully in a few years time I might need a kidney. It has taken me nearly an hour to get home because some dirty unwashed scruffy bastard students are holding demonstrations causing mayhem and chaos which my tax dollars are going to pay for. Anyway, when I arrived home the drive had two strange cars on it so I couldn't put my lovely motorbike to bed. I opened the front door and was assaulted by loud music and loads people I either don't know or don't like. I don't mind sharing with the great unwashed, but my sons mates all need a trip to the soap factory. I am trying to keep calm but my large supply of medicinal stella is rapidly dwindling. The fridge door has not been shut for more than a few seconds and my top of the range BBQ equipment is being abused by stoned gangsta rappers. Just for today I hope it rains so all these freeloaders will fuck off sorry I mean go away. Arse on the telly later, I hope I will have enough beer to help me through the afternoon. I am definately having no more children, I have two a boy and a girl, the boy for a kidney and the girl to pick a home to put me in when I'm old and senile. Watch this space.

READY FOR CHRISTMAS

Twice today I have been asked if I'm ready for christmas. No,no I aint, christmas is still ages away and I have plenty of time. I am not one of those sad people that buys their christmas presents in February and March and then tucks them away under the stairs for ten months. I also aint one of those daft idiots who stock up on bread, milk, butter and sugar "just in case". Last year, on the day before christmas eve, I was in Tesco and the family in front of me at the counter had seven loaves of bread and four, four pints of milk, and I heard the man ask his wife if she thought it was enough. Good grief people, we are in 2011, most of the shops don't close anymore. Last week I told you how I was going to the pound shop to buy presents for my friends. Well luckily I didn't because up the road a new shop has opened and its called " The 99p store" so already I'm better off. And on top of that someone I was getting a prezzie for has pissed me off so he aint getting feck all from me so I'm not gonna be stuck trying to find another friend to off load a pair of jokey socks on.
Also, contrary to popular belief, I do like christmas, its another excuse to over eat and over drink. Its the the bloody adverts that irritate me. The telly is always showing us the must have toys and the must have accessories. I think its brain washing and propaganda gone wrong. On the one hand we should buy our children all these lovely computer type toys that are way too expensive but you will look like a council estate pauper if your kids don't have them, but on the back of the box its says "coming soon, a new and improved version" so the damn thing is obsolete before its been opened. Then if thats not enough, some bearded cardigan sandal wearing treehugger moans that the packaging is destroying the Earth.
A recent survey has stated that most of our under tens are obese because they spend too much time in front of the telly playing computer games and not getting enough excercise. How can our kids get excercise when the treehugger I mentioned claims its too dangerous to play conkers. I say instead of selling a kidney to pay for expensive soon to be out of date electronic gadgets, if you have young son buy him a bike and a football, if you have a young daghter buy her a bike and a skipping rope and send them out to play. It keeps them healthy and while they are out side the parents can have some peace and quiet (or sneaky hanky panky).
Having said that, the survey that said our young kids are obese and in serious danger of dieing in their twenties is missing the point. If all these little fat fuckers die young it will help solve the current pensions crisis. London Mayor??? vote for me.

POSTAL (dis) SERVICE

In the papers recently, Royal Mail announced that almost 80,000 people had applied for the 18,000 temporary christmas jobs this year. I was off yesterday, and I was enjoying a nice relaxing day. I heard my letter box flap so I went to get my post. Delivered through my door was a card saying that there was no postal service today but I had mail waiting for me at the sorting office. I was a bit confused but I got dressed and went to the sorting office to pick up my mail. At the sorting office there were a few people waiting outside and it turned out that the damned place was closed for lunch. Luckily I "only" had to wait 15 minutes for it to re open. When it was my turn to be served, I found myself talking to a large unhelpful asian version of Lenny Henny. He was big and fat and dressed like he should be funny but wasnt funny. I asked him why the sorting office was closed for lunch as some people can only collect their mail at lunchtimes because they are at work. He replied "Shortage of staff".I told him that Royal Mail had just had a massive load of applicants for jobs and he just sniffed and said "We aint had none here mate". I handed him the card and waited for him to get my mail. He came back quickly with one measly envelope and handed it to me. I looked at the envelope then I looked at him then I looked at him again then I said " Are you fecking shitting me,? you put a card through my door and make me come all this way for one lousy envelope" He just shrugged and said " Told ya, were are short handed" I was just about to explain the absurdity when another worker turned up and butted in. This bald version of Vanessa Feltz told me he was the depot supervisor and could answer all my questions, so I asked him where the logic was in sending a postman out to deliver a card telliong me to come and get my mail, why not just give him my mail to deliver,after all its called "The Postal Service" not "The Come And Get It Yourself Service". He also said they were short of man power. I reminded him of the 80,000 people Royal Mail had at their disposal and he got cocky and said they need to be trained first, it takes brains to be a postman. I looked him in the eye and said " if your so brainy, why are you wearing odd socks?. This "brainy" surpervisor only lifted his trousers to check. "I aint wearing odd socks" he blurted. I said " I know you berk but you still looked" He then got lippy and said "If you are so clever how would you do things?" I said " I would change three things, first I wouldnt send a fecking postman out delivering bloody cards when he should be delivering letters, secondly, I wouldnt shut for lunch as some people can only get here in their lunch hours, and thirdly and most importantly and the thing to make the most improvement, I would replace your dopey arse with a slab of cheese you knob head ( very articulate I thought). Well this idiot exploded and shouted, "Dont call me a slab of cheese" I replied " I didnt you div, I said I would replace you with a slab of cheese, it would probly do a better job" We stared at each other for a few seconds the I leant towards him and said "Im going now and when I turn around dont stare at my arse" he went mad and said " Im not gay im not gay" when I got to the door, without turning around I said "I told you not to stare at my arse" he yelled " I didnt" I yelled back "Yes you bloody did" and walked out. I was way up the road when he appeared at the door where there was a load of people waiting to go in and he shouted " I was not staring at your arse" and all those people laughed at him. I felt very superior. I probably wont get any post til after christmas now, but look on the bright side, no post means no bills and no bills means more money to spend on beer. La la la.
In todays paper is a sad story about a fat despucable woman who stole a bronze war memorial plaque and tried to sell it a scrap dealer. Unfortunately this dealer was honest and didnt buy it so this pig of a woman claims to have sold it to a stranger for £15. This obese despicable vile person claims to be an alcoholic and needed a drink. What a lousy excuse for being a rotten scunbag. She is due to be sentenced next week, lets hope she gets some serious jail time or failing that, a fatal dose of alchohol poisoning ( which reminds me, I have beer in the fridge). This woman is a vile abomination and if you know her you have a poor taste in friends. Vote for me as London Mayor and I will sort these low lifes out properly. Vote for me, do it now.

My Money, My Mouth, My Choice

There is another boring survey in today's paper saying cheap booze is leading to a rise in alcoholism, a rise in teenage crime and a rise in alcohol related hospital admissions. So fecking what, if these wallies get too pissed and fall off scaffolding or steal a car and crash and hurt themselves so fecking what. The price of alcohol is not the reason for this. The reason is purely that some people are too fecking stupid to drink. Why should people who can handle their drink be punished because of the silly muppets with low brain cell counts who can't. Its my money and its my mouth so its my choice how much alcohol I will shove in me. I get well and truly fecking mad when I read about some parent in the paper crying because their dumb as dogshit son has wrapped a stolen car around a tree (be grateful it wasn't an innocent bystander)and then claim it was because he had access to cheap booze. I have been drinking for years but I have never stolen a car (I have but not whilst drunk)I have also climbed scaffolding and trees and done all sorts of silly things but I normally do these sober and if and when I hurt myself, I just larf and say it was my own fault. If people want to get arsey about stuff why don't we treble the cost of take-away food so that those fat lazy types who are too lazy to cook will lose weight because they can't afford chips n curry sauce. And why don't we sell only Rolls Royces so that there will be less car accidents on the roads and while we are at it why don't we sterilise all the ginger haired kids so they can't have offspring. Cheap booze is not the reason people get hurt. Lets not blame alcohol for other peoples stupidity. Like I said its my money so I will spend it on cheap booze which tastes the same as expensive booze and I will take the rap for any harm I do to myself. So can all you bleeding heart sandal wearing tree hugging lentil munching do-gooders feck off back to your solar powered rubber rooms and leaves us happy drunks alone. La la la.