POSTAL (dis) SERVICE

In the papers recently, Royal Mail announced that almost 80,000 people had applied for the 18,000 temporary christmas jobs this year. I was off yesterday, and I was enjoying a nice relaxing day. I heard my letter box flap so I went to get my post. Delivered through my door was a card saying that there was no postal service today but I had mail waiting for me at the sorting office. I was a bit confused but I got dressed and went to the sorting office to pick up my mail. At the sorting office there were a few people waiting outside and it turned out that the damned place was closed for lunch. Luckily I "only" had to wait 15 minutes for it to re open. When it was my turn to be served, I found myself talking to a large unhelpful asian version of Lenny Henny. He was big and fat and dressed like he should be funny but wasnt funny. I asked him why the sorting office was closed for lunch as some people can only collect their mail at lunchtimes because they are at work. He replied "Shortage of staff".I told him that Royal Mail had just had a massive load of applicants for jobs and he just sniffed and said "We aint had none here mate". I handed him the card and waited for him to get my mail. He came back quickly with one measly envelope and handed it to me. I looked at the envelope then I looked at him then I looked at him again then I said " Are you fecking shitting me,? you put a card through my door and make me come all this way for one lousy envelope" He just shrugged and said " Told ya, were are short handed" I was just about to explain the absurdity when another worker turned up and butted in. This bald version of Vanessa Feltz told me he was the depot supervisor and could answer all my questions, so I asked him where the logic was in sending a postman out to deliver a card telliong me to come and get my mail, why not just give him my mail to deliver,after all its called "The Postal Service" not "The Come And Get It Yourself Service". He also said they were short of man power. I reminded him of the 80,000 people Royal Mail had at their disposal and he got cocky and said they need to be trained first, it takes brains to be a postman. I looked him in the eye and said " if your so brainy, why are you wearing odd socks?. This "brainy" surpervisor only lifted his trousers to check. "I aint wearing odd socks" he blurted. I said " I know you berk but you still looked" He then got lippy and said "If you are so clever how would you do things?" I said " I would change three things, first I wouldnt send a fecking postman out delivering bloody cards when he should be delivering letters, secondly, I wouldnt shut for lunch as some people can only get here in their lunch hours, and thirdly and most importantly and the thing to make the most improvement, I would replace your dopey arse with a slab of cheese you knob head ( very articulate I thought). Well this idiot exploded and shouted, "Dont call me a slab of cheese" I replied " I didnt you div, I said I would replace you with a slab of cheese, it would probly do a better job" We stared at each other for a few seconds the I leant towards him and said "Im going now and when I turn around dont stare at my arse" he went mad and said " Im not gay im not gay" when I got to the door, without turning around I said "I told you not to stare at my arse" he yelled " I didnt" I yelled back "Yes you bloody did" and walked out. I was way up the road when he appeared at the door where there was a load of people waiting to go in and he shouted " I was not staring at your arse" and all those people laughed at him. I felt very superior. I probably wont get any post til after christmas now, but look on the bright side, no post means no bills and no bills means more money to spend on beer. La la la.
In todays paper is a sad story about a fat despucable woman who stole a bronze war memorial plaque and tried to sell it a scrap dealer. Unfortunately this dealer was honest and didnt buy it so this pig of a woman claims to have sold it to a stranger for £15. This obese despicable vile person claims to be an alcoholic and needed a drink. What a lousy excuse for being a rotten scunbag. She is due to be sentenced next week, lets hope she gets some serious jail time or failing that, a fatal dose of alchohol poisoning ( which reminds me, I have beer in the fridge). This woman is a vile abomination and if you know her you have a poor taste in friends. Vote for me as London Mayor and I will sort these low lifes out properly. Vote for me, do it now.