BAD NEWS GOOD NEWS

The front page of todays Metro had the headline Amy Died Happy, and the next line her dad was quoted as saying she died with a smile doing what she liked to do. Are you farking kidding? Who the fecking hell dies happy?. Dont get me wrong, I dont give a toss one way or the other about some skanky skinny mouthy tattooed tramp with too much mouth and attitude. I really dont think she was "one of the greatest talents of our time", as one reporter has said. She could sing a bit but I dont think she was pretty and I dont think she was gonna get much better than she already has, ie, she made a good few quid and wanted to spend it on drugs. Good for her but I hate when celebrities get pissed or stoned and say its not their fault. Well whose fault is it then? . The family will be ok after this, all they have to do is go down the route the Presley family took and live off her name for the rest of their lives. The Daily Mirror didan eight page spread as a tribute to Wino ( very apt name) and in this tribute there were thirty photos and twenty eight showed her either drunk, stoned, falling over or already on the floor and none of the photos made her look good. With make up on she was ugly, without make up she was hideous ( and I dont believe she had hidden beauty. Yes its a shame and all that blah blah blah that she was only 27 but she threw the dice and crapped out. Thats the bad news ( I mean the headline that she died happy, I think that was a terrible thing to say from a parent) but the good news is, some fat ex copper who tried to sue the NHS for free gastric bypass surgery, lost his case. Good. Let me say that again, good. The fat lump left the force because he was too fat and unfit to chase criminals and has just spunked his retirement money sitting in his armchair shovelling crisps and fizzy drinks into his mouth, and now that he cant get a hard and sweats when he changes the tv channel, he wants a freebie. Fack him, give the slob nothing. Tell him to stop smoking and eating junk food and go buy a dog and walk the mutt until he loses the seven stone thats between him and his gonads. If he had won the case I would have jumped on the bandwagon and sued the NHS to remove the taste buds that make me like alcohol and kebabs because im too round for my height. Yes this is a rant but if I was london mayor , it would be a manifesto ( look it up you div). la la la . Any way thanks for asking yes im very well thank you very much, im off to the moon. 

SPARE CHANGE

I was standing at McDonalds in Victoria station waiting to be served and sitting on the floor looking pathetic and unwashed and reaking of homelessness was a tramp type man. He asked me if I had any spare change. I waved a twenty pound note at him and said no. He then said " I can hear jingling in your pocket" so I told him was my keys. He asked if I had any spare keys so I said "Why? Have you got a home to use them on?" He didnt like that and said " I used to be like you" and I replied "What , you used to be black?" and he said no, he used to have a job. I asked him what happened andhe said he didnt like being told what to do and when to do it so he gave up working and is living life on his terms. I looked at the black dirty crusty toes poking out from the one sock he had on and asked how it was working out and I dont speak geordie very well but I think he said " fark oof youse karnt". Anyway my food arrived and I paid and put my change in my pocket. He then said " I aint eaten in three days" I replied " I wish I had your will power" And I walked away. I was just wondering, what is spare is change?. I have money, but I dont have " Spare" money. I have two cars but I dont call my second car "the spare one".  I keep all my money together in a bank and use daily what I need, What I dont spend today goes towards what I intend to spend tomorrow. So in case any homeless trampy types are reading this, NO, I dont have spare change. And if ever I do find myself holding more cash than I really need, it will go towards my drinking in the pub on a rainy day fund.  

WHY MAKE PLANS

Why make plans ? Whenever I make plans things go wrong. I booked today off because I had things to do. All the things I had to do did not involve my kids. I say my kids but they are both grown ups and should be able to do things for themselves but like most kids in this day and age, why do things on your own when you have sucker parents. I understand the need to have kids. One day you might need a kidney or when you are old and senile you need someone to pick a rest home to put you in. Its best to have kids so that you have someone to leave your house to so that the government doesnt get it, but after raising them for eighteen years or so and wasting hundreds of thousands of pounds on them, surely if and when they leave home you should be able to spend your own time as naked and as free as you wish. I wanted to do bike related stuff today but now I have been roped into house hunting. I wouldnt mind but when you find the right house you aint allowed to shoot it. I need a new battery for my bike and I wanted to go to the museum as well but my plans have to be changed. I will no longer make any plans I will just sneak off and do what I want  and turn my phone off so I cant be found or hacked into. I love my kids and im very proud of them but just when you think you are free they go and have grandchildren and the money worries start all over again. And on top of that, the free babysitting service is expected. I cant wait to be old and senile and dribbly and incontinent and totally reliant on a family member to change my nappy, they did it to me, I hope to do it to them.

PHONE HACKING

What I don't understand is all the screaming and shouting and the cries of indignation that is going around. Phones are being hacked all the time. The News Of The World was a sleazy paper, The Sun, The Star, and The Sport are sleazy papers. Its what they do. Anyone with half a brain wouldn't buy these papers, but then again, the people who do probably watch Eastenders and think its real. I'm surprised silly bollox, Sorry I mean golden balls hasn't complained that his phone was tapped up whilst Skinny Becks was carrying the lump now known as Harper. Harper, what a stupid name. that is but then again thats what those two do. Their whole life is a publicity stunt and i'm already bored knowing the moron papers will be showing pictures of her everyday and what she will be wearing therefore creating a new breed of mini monster wannabes. All the rich and famous people who have been hacked are consulting lawyers, what about the not rich and famous people? Who will fight their corner? It does not matter which party is in the government, phone hacking has been going on for many years and is still going on today. If people want to hack phones I wish they would pick interesting people like Charlie Sheens drug dealer, or Wayne Rooneys pimp. The thing with the media is, when they get a story they beat it death. Im bored and I wish something else would happen because right now the news is as dull as a dinner date with a vegitarian. To save you hacking my phone let me tell you what i'm doing today. I have had a shower, I have hoovered up, I'm going to the gym and when I get back I will mow my lawn. I might have some tissue time and then i'm going to have a few beers. I'm off tomorrow, I have some bike related stuff to do and then some more beers. If you hire a private detective to follow me, tell him to look in the gym first if I aint there try the pub, if I aint there try the off licence, if I aint there then i'm slumped drunk on my sofa. la la la diddly dee. I love me.

GUILT TRIP

A lady friend of mine has just rang me and told me that her husband is cheating on her. I asked her if she was sure and she said yes.  She thinks its a woman where he works. He started washing and shaving more, he started worrying about his weight, he bought decent aftershave and his mobile is now always off when he is at home. I asked her if she had told him that she knows and she said yes, she said she had even given him large love bites so that this other woman would see them but the husband doesnt care. I asked if she had tried following him and she said she tried that but she is no good at it and he keeps spotting her. I asked if her if she still had her wedding dress and does it still fit she said yes. I advised her to keep following him as often as possible but dont try to hide and when you follow him, wear the wedding dress. In fact I said, wear the dress and in the morning forget to make his sandwiches and take them to his place of work and wear the wedding dress. If that dont work, wait till he is asleep and superglue his hand to his cock. She asked if that would work, I told her it happened to me once and I have never cheated again.

JOBSWORTHS

I needed a new fridge. I went Comets to have a look around but as sonn as I stepped through the door a spotty faced guy in a shirt that was way to big asked me if I needed help. I thanked him and said no. I wlaked towards the fridge section and he followed me. I have been told that I have a cute bum but this guy followed me all the way around the shop. I deliberately went past the fridges twice trying to lose him but he stayed right behind me. Eventually I started looking at the fridges and I opened the doors and slid out the trays and I ummed and I ahhed and I looked very interested. I gave particular attention to a nice fridge and then spotty made his move. "Do you like this one?" he asked "Yes " I replied, " Does it come in green?" he looked at me like I had just asked for a blow job and said  "Dont be silly, what fridge comes in green? " I told him I had seen a green one in Currys but it was a lot dearer. he looked me for a while then walked away. Moments later he came back with a woman who was obviously the manager and looked like she put her make up on whilst having a sneezing fit.  She approached me and said "I have checked currys website and they dont do this model in green , sir" I looked at her and then said "What other colours does it come in?" she didnt know and went to check. While she was gone I left the shop. I went to a shop that sells fridges and oicked one I liked and its being delivered today.
So i borrowed my neighbours van and took my old fridge down to the recycling centre. The bloke in charge came over and asked for proof of residency so I showed him and he asked what I was throwing away. I told him it was a fridge and his face turned purple. "You cant bring fridges here" he yelled. I looked over his shoulder and pointed to a stack of fridges in his yard. "Whats that then?" I said. He said "Those are fridges but YOU cant bring them in, they have gasses in them and have to be disposed of properly" I asked  "How do you do that? He gave me a card with a number on and said "Ring that number" I asked "What happens then?" he said "We come and get it" So I rang the number and I shit you not, the phone in his hut rang. He went and answered it, I said "Hello can you come and get my old fridge please?" he said "Certainly sir, where are you?" I said "Im outside in the van" He hung up.
He came back and said it was company policy to collect fridges and he cant accept mine. After a brief few harsh words I gave him a fiver and I drove the van 100 yards back down the road. Several minutes later he turned up in his van and took my fridge. Many years ago I  applied for a council job, but I failed because of my head. Its got a brain in it. 

Harry Gonner

The final Harry Potter film comes out this week. That's it, it's over, what will we do? How will we cope? Phone lines will be set up for those unable to continue life without Harry in their lives. Special Muggle shelters will be constructed to house the influx of distraught runaways, forced to flee the sanctity of their homes because their parents just don't get it. No doubt there'll be a section of next year's Children in Need dedicated to helping these hysterical unfortunates get the support they need. For just one pound a month you can help kids everywhere overcome the loss that has ruined their lives since they said their last goodbye to Harry, Ron and Hermione. But don't worry, J K Rowling will probably write another one at some point. In the meantime here's some advice. Go read something else.

OOPS, MY BAD

MAD CAT LADY did not like my last blog, she said it was very sexist and inappropriate, she went on to say moan moan moan, nag nag nag, blah blah blah. I said I was sorry and to prove I wasnt sexist I patted her on the bum and gave some money to go and have her nails done and to buy a new hand bag. Im not sexist, some of my best clothes have been washed by women. All my calenders have women on them and I never swear at bad woman drivers, I just say tut tut tut and shake my head. If it wasnt for women we wouldnt be here. Did you know it used to be legal to beat your wife as long as the stick was not wider than your thumb?( yes I know im in trouble again but im using the female side of my brain) .

GENDER EQUALITY

there is an old saying, "A womans work is never done" Well I have a new one, " A womans work is never done which is why you dont earn as much as men". Woman are always moaning about men and our faults but if you think about it, women get more than they deserve. If a man breaks down in his car and calls the AA or RAC, he gets told there is a wait of up to 2 hours, if awoman rings up she gets told half an hour ( I wonder how long a gay man has to wait). Women moan men dont act chivalrous but when you hold open a door for them they say they can do it themselves. Well here are some other things you can do yourselves, get a spider out the bath, go and investigate that noise downstairs at 2am, tell yourself you look nice in that ridiculous skirt, wash your own car, walk yourself home late at night. I could go on but if I ever want sex again its best I dont.

WIMBLEGONE

Its over, thank God for that. I hate tennis, I hate the fact that it dominates our media for far too long only to be told what we already know, the Brits are not good enough. The best hope we had was Murray and he aint pretty enough to be the champion. Still its over for another year and the good news is that the football is almost back. Its been a poor weekend for British sport, the tennis we knew we would get nothing but David Haye was absolutely disastrous, not only did he get embarrassed in the ring he made himself look completely stupid in the buildup. I played golf yesterday, the weather was gorgeous, my game was ugly but the weather was nice. I didnt feel well afterwards so I went home to relax but I was quite rough. I decided to go for a short walk hoping it would help, so I filled a bottle with juice and headed for the park. On the way I saw a lovely bunch of flowers and I thought they would make a lovely gift, so I untied them from the lamp post and gave them to my sister. When I got back I didnt feel much better and my mood was further dampened because there was no beer in the fridge, which was handy because if I had drunk them I would have felt much worse. I had an early night and this morning although slightly better I went to the gym to have a good sweat but the sight of all those fit healthy people depressed me so I came home. I am now having a dee lish egg and bacon sandwich with orange juice in my garden reading a good book. la la , everyones gone to the moon.

HALCYON DAYS

When I was a young lad growing up, I had hair, but thats not what I want to tell you. I also used play in the adventure playground with my friends (yes I had some). I used to go up the rope ladders, I used to pretend I was Tarzan on the rope swings, I used to build camps and make camp fires. My friends and I would go on long cycle rides and be gone all day, my brother and I with our friends would play football in the park for hours and none of us would see our parents all day. I used to ride the bus to school and go scrumping for apples and pears. There were times when I fell over or fell off things, I can't remember how many cuts and bruises I have had growing but it was farking hundreds and yes some of them bloody hurt. It has been known for one of my parents to give me a clump for ripping an article of clothing because of my escapades, but here I am, many years later, older, fatter, balder and none the cleverer, but still alive and healthy. I am only telling you this because I have just read in the paper about a father who has just received £7000, because his 14 year old son got a black eye from a tennis ball in a school playground. 7 grand??? WTF is the world coming to. I would have told my son to stop crying and learn to duck.