UNIFORMITY

Uniforms, don't you just love em. They are rarely flattering and even more rarer they make you look sexy or macho, unless of course you are a soldier or a fireman. The uniform I have to wear along with my colleagues is a very unsexy piece of kit. it is a horrible colour, it is unpractical and has a bloody logo all over it so there is no way I can sneak around without people knowing who I work for. Having said that, I'm quite fit and healthy and I carry myself with some aplomb, unlike that daft guy who got himself photographed asleep on the job. I don't know the whole story but the picture has him bang to rights, empty your locker bye bye you mug. However, what I want to ask is this, if a punter starts a row with me and ends up on the floor after I have hit him back, why do I lose my job just because I was in uniform? If someone hits me surely its only natural to hit back. What I'm wearing should not matter. Many of my colleagues have been fired for retaliation purely on the fact they were in uniform. If some chinless wonder in a suit has the hump cos the train is late and he missed a company piss up and assaults me surely its within my rights to defend myself regardless of what I'm wearing. Oh no, apparently not. If I'm in uniform and someone assaults me, I'm supposed to run away and seek help or refuge. For those of you who know me, you know that if someone hits me, win lose or draw I'm hitting back. We get issued with spit kits and are told if someone spits on you, take a swab and hand it to the police and if that person has a record they will be found. I'm sorry but if someone spits on me they will definitely be found, on the bloody floor where I've knocked them out. Its not right that someone can have a barney with anyone anywhere who wears a uniform and the uniform wearer gets the sack or at the very least severely reprimanded. I think both parties should be treated the same in uniform or not. Can I just ask any hotheaded member of the public who likes to intimidate people because they are in uniform that one day they might just pick on the wrong person. Things happen for different reasons and trains are late for many reasons, so before you turn into Billy Big Balls and start attacking a member of staff, just remember....sometimes we bite back. Oh and another thing, this dirty trick of taking photos of people at work supposedly not doing their job properly,and posting it on twitter, bloody well stop it, its cowardly and uncalled for you dirty sneaky cowardly trouble making piece of flotsam. Here is an interesting fact,the Vauxhall Nova didn't sell well in Mexico because over there Nova translates as "won't go". la la la

FISH SUPPER

I was just about to enjoy a nice bacon and egg sandwich in a coastal crew room, the guy next to me looks like he has a cat stuck in his mouth, he has such a terrible beard. Its just gone 8 am and im going to tell you his side of a conversation he just had. I dont know what the other person said so I will just put dots in instead. Here we go. 'Hello love........oh did I wake you? I'm sorry its just that I'm hungry and I'm wondering whats for supper..........yes I have my sandwiches but if I eat those now I will have nothing at dinner time ......yes I have some money on me but I want to buy some shoe polish and a hot water bottle..........no two blankets ain't enough...........fish?? For supper?? But its thursday...........oh ok then yes I will come straight home after work.......kissy kissy. This guy put his phone away and looked at me, he shook his head and said 'sometimes I think my mum hates me' I swear this is true. And you wonder why I dont like it coastal. Here is an intersting fact, penguins only have sex twice a year. ( how said is that ) la la la

EARLY MORNING MORONS

Ashley Cole is an idiot and I don't like David Beckham. That has nothing to do with what I'm about to say. I have said it before and I am saying it again , I wish jay walking was a crime in this country. This morning as I drove down the Old Kent Road I nearly ran over some drunk bimbo stumbling out of some night club and she tripped over in her ridiculously high (but very sexy) shoes. The silly bitch dropped her handbag and the bottle of drink she was carrying. I would normally just run these daft bastards over and think nothing of it but I was on my motorbike which I love dearly  and I don't want some silly sods DNA splashed over my bikes engine. If that wasn't bad enough I got to the Elephant and Castle and again a stream of dumb arse jay walkers tried to cross the road weaving in between buses and illegal mini cabs and caused bloody chaos. These are the drunken tossers who take no responsibility for their own actions and then when they injure themselves and probably others as well they run screaming to a lawyer for some compensation money. I hate these dopey people. They walk around in their own gaga land and don't look around. They walk up to a pedestrian crossing and instead of waiting for cars to stop they just step out and cause mayhem. Well from now on I refuse to play their silly games. I will no longer take avoidance measures. I will just bowl these jellyheads over. I don't give a rats arse anymore, I'm rich I can afford to buy a new car and I do love my bike but if some spannerface gets in my way I will just learn to love my new bike that my insurance company will pay for. Its  not rocket science. Walking outside is as easy as breathing. Whats annoying is that these dopes live in this country. Its not as if I can even blame gormless tourists who don't know what a pavement is or how to use one. If and when I'm in charge of this wonderful city I will make it mandatory learning at school and at airports and ferry ports there will be a walking test before letting anyone in. Rant over. Vote for me, you know it makes sense. La la la . Here is an interesting fact, The Queen does not have or need a passport.

JIMMY SO VILE

Allegedly, Jimmy Saville was a paedo. Several people have come out after his death and have made claims that Jimmy was a kiddie fiddler. I don't doubt for one second that some of these claims are true, however why the hell did none of these people make these claims whilst the weirdo was alive? He was obviously a bit strange. He wore shell suits when they were fashionable and made them look unfashionable. He wore such crap jewellery you couldn't get cheaper at Argus. He held a cigar but never smoked it and he lived with his mum. Yes the weird looking man lived with his mum. That alone tells you what sort of grown man lives with his mum, especially when you have his kind of money. Don't get me wrong, I never liked him. I never watched his shows, back then and even today I hate the show Top Of The Pops, and he was a shite DJ. But my question is why did no one say something when the freak was alive and could defend himself. Just like that ugly ginger girl who said she was his love child? Why not speak up when he was around to be confronted. I must say its a bit suspect that all these people are saying Jimmypaed touched them up three weeks after the press revealed he left an estate worth three million quid. That nurse who claims she told her boss should have told the police and/or anyone who would listen so I think she is responsible for Jimmypaed getting away with it. They say he was a powerful man, was he fuck, he was on telly, that's all he did, its not like he was a senior police man who back in the 70's and 80's could fit you up and have you put away. Jimmypaed is buried so that he can face his beloved Leeds football club, personally I think that's a punishment in itself but if he is found guilty I would dig him up and turn him around to face fuck all. I think he will be found guilty all he can't speak for himself now and I think he didn't act alone but I'm sure those at the BBC who knew will cover up their involvements. My concern is the compensation that will be paid out, the will be a huge change at the Beeb and I'm worried that the TV licence will go up. Freddy Starr has been linked with this story, again a person who was supposed to be funny and charitable turns out to be a kiddie fiddler. If we look back in history lots of clowns and people who pretend to do it for the children tend to be nonce's. I'm not tarring all do gooder's with same brush but we need to a much closer harder look when people say they want to work with children.I went to a Freddie Starr show once, it was billed as a comedy, talk about laugh, I thought I would never start. This story has a lot more mileage and I'm sure the truth will come out but I want to say to any vulnerable people, if some one does you a wrong un tell someone, tell everyone and don't wait until the person dies, if that person is rich and famous scream out loud until you ruin them. If you are a parent of one of these alleged victims and you were told but did nothing I hope you get anal cancer. Sorry for my rant but this story is shameful as shameful as Jimmypaeds hair and tracksuits la la la. Here is an interesting fact, swans are the only birds that have penises.

DONT BE SAUCY

Today I was coastal. As most of you know its not my favourite place, the weather was miserable the station was miserable the people are miserable, even the ones that act normal looked miserable. I was peckish , outside the station is a sandwich bar and I went in. The guy behind the counter looked like a Welsh Benny Hill ( he reminded me of Benny Hill and sounded Welsh ). He said good morning and told me everything on the menu was two pence off until twelve o clock. Unless he was a really slow cook I was about to save two pence. I ordered a breakfast bap he said to me ' breakfast bap, sausage bacon and egg £ 3.35 but until twelve its £3.33 to you' I said thank you and off he waddled.  A few minutes later he came back with my bap and asked ' do you want some salt and pepper on this?  I said no. He asked if I wanted brown sauce and I said ' no thanks I like it plain' he said ' oh go on, plain is boring, have some mayonnaise' I said no, he said ' how about some french dressing? I said no. He said ' what about some nice salad cream to zap your taste buds' again I said no. He said ' go on be adventurous' so I said ' ok I will have a dollop of tomato sauce ' He said ' oh im sorry im all out, try something else' I said ' ok I will have some ketchup' he looked at me and said quite sternly ' I TOLD  YOU IM ALL OUT' so I replied ' AND I bLOODY TOLD YOU I wANTED IT PLAIN ' He wrapped the bap and shoved it across the counter, I handed him £3.35. He tried to give me two pence change but I said ' keep it and put it towards a bottle f sauce' and I left. In the crew room I made a cup of coffee and took a bite of the bap, it lacked a certain something so in the kitchen I put some salt and pepper on it. It tasted better. Not great, better. When he was alive I never ever found Benny Hill funny. Here is an interesting fact, to keep cool flamingos urinate on their legs. Uurgh. La la la diddly dee, everyones gone to the moon