THIS MORNING WAS RUBBISH

This morning started badly. What I am about to write is the absolute truth and I can honestly I ain't had a day go this wrong in years.
The fuckhead driving the mini cab this morning took a wrong turn even though I told him the route. Go over Lambeth Bridge and there are two options, go straight ahead for Horseferry road or turn left go along the Embankment to Vauxhall Bridge road. Not this flaccid prick, he turned right. I asked him what he was doing and he said it was the way . I pointed out the the station was now behind us but he tapped the console and said ' rate nav sat nav '
Ok no problem I thought, there is still time. We drove down Victoria street but at Vauxhall Bridge road he carried straight on. ' Where the hell are you going? I asked, I said fuck but im being polite for the delicate readers.
He said ' I take you to black gate' ' what black gate? I want the car park'
He replied ' no no black gate is good'
Ok I thought, lets see how this pans out.
He drove me around the one way system and eventually stopped outside the station in Buckingham Palace road.
The gates were locked ( it was 4am after all) 'here you go' he said. 'the gates are locked you dumb fuck I said, now turn this fucker round  and take me to the station car park.
After some deliberation he finally agreed and I guided him to the car park. He was actually pleased because hadn't been there before.
It gets even worse from there.
I get to my train and it has a Not To Move board on it. I called Control and they said it must have been a forgetful cleaner and they would get it removed.
This is at 0420, I'm supposed to leave at 0435. At 0432 I called the signaller and told him I was waiting for the board to be taken off. He said 'that's ok driver, you can do it', there were some workers down there last night they must have forgotten to remove It, you have my permission to do so
I said ' no thanks I will stick to the rule book and wait'. He protested vigorously but I hung up.
0445 I call Control again and they can't find out who put the board up. 0450 and Control tell me a track worker did it and was now in his car half way home and they were trying to get someone in authority to assist.
0500, I get told to change trains. No problem, I'm on platform 12 there is a train on platform 10. I inform the passengers and we all trudge round to platform 10. Guess what? No bloody train. I call Control and they said it will be there in 4 minutes.
4 minutes later train comes in only it's 12 coaches long, I should have 4.
The driver of this train was late for his break so I said I would do the detachment. Platform staff told me Control wanted me to take 8 coaches as more punters had turned up. I did the split only to be told to take the original 4 coaches. I am still calm at this point as my coffee was still warm . I reattach then split the train and set up the front 4 coaches. It is now 0515.
As we leave I asked the Signaller if we were stopping all stations as booked he said yes.
First stop is Clapham junction. At Clapham a platform guy gives me a special not to call form. Due to late running the train now will only call at East Croydon and Gatwick. Now I am fucked off. I have a train full of people and 9 stations I ain't stopping at, they are going to go mental.
Still, I make the announcement and through the thick fire proof doors I hear lots if swearing and shouting.
Anyway, it's 0525 and off we go.
I told my trainee that I would pick him up at Horley but now we ain't stopping and I can't use my phone.
He is quite clever I thought to myself , he will meet me at Gatwick.
As I sail through a deserted Horley because all the punters had followed station staff advice and got the replacement bus service to Gatwick, imagine my dismay that the only silly bollox standing on the empy platform was my trainee watching a train that ain't stopping leave him behind in the cold.
I picked him up on the way back and politely asked why the fuck he didn't get on the bus he looked all forlorn and said 'I thought you would stop'.
Anyway the morning slightly improved when he bought my breakfast.
If the track worker is reading this I hope you feel like the big rancid turd you are, for ruining the morning for so many people you big bag of wet shit.
Please buy my E book A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, Every self service screen tested at McDonald's in the UK was found to have fecal matter on them. Every single one, uurgh.
La la la

WHAT A DAY

What a day today has been. I woke up to see that the weather was quite shitty, it was that bad I thought I had woken up in a Coastal place.
I was in the shower and I saw a spider. I killed that spider. Not because it was in my shower staring at my naked body but because it saw me masturbating.
Now masturbating isn't a crime in the privacy of one's own home and lots of people enjoy a good tug before work but I didn't want the spider to go and tell all his mates and then one morning find half a dozen spiders in my shower hoping to catch me tugging away. No witness no crime is my motto.

Anyway the weather was quite shitty and I looked out my patio window and saw that next door had hung some washing out a few days ago and now a blanket had been blown into my garden. Being a good neighbour I trampled it a bit then threw back over the fence.
The thing about not going Coastal is that they then travel up here. I was in the crew room enjoying a coffee and in walks this Coastal guy whose hair looked like astro turf. It was the worst hair covering I have seen in a long time.
He said hello (we have met before), and sat down. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up. I asked him why he rolled up his sleeves and he said he didn't like long sleeves so I suggested short sleeve shirts instead. He looked at me like I had just discovered a new moon and started Googling shirt shops.
So before going out to do a bit I needed a wee. I stood at the urinal to places away from another guy and we heard someone talking on the phone in a cubicle. I said loudly to the other guy 'how the fuck can you talk on the phone whilst taking a shit?' Before he could answer the dirty got in the cubicle shouted 'mind your own business thid is an important call'.
I called him a woman's reproductive part and left (yes I washed my hands first).
Anyway I've got to go for a haircut so finish this later.

Please buy my ebook A Clean Week.

Interesting fact the 1st Mcdonalds only sold hotdogs!