KETTLING

When I was growing up, kettling was something my dad said to my mum. He would say "are you kettling love? "meaning are you putting the kettle on or make some tea you idle cow" I have just been watching the news (on the BBC so it must be true) and the protesters at todays march have got a bit lippy with the bacon, sorry I mean the police and now the police are "kettling" them into areas and the protesters dont like it. One greasy dirty haired sandal wearing no job tree hugging soap dodging student was crying into the camera that he only threw a brick "to make a statement " well my greasy dirty stain on society, you made a statement and the answer was "get over there with the rest of the unwashed and we will let you out when the trains stops running". Its funny how those with no jobs and therefore no pensions feel the need to join this protest. Most of them don't work and are sponging off the state and when they retire, if they reach that age, they will still be spongers.
I was a bit miffed at the traffic chaos when I left work but I tuffed it out and got home, I parked my bike in my garage and walked to the shops to get loo roll, cos I knew I needed some, and I saw a lovely bunch of flowers and I thought, "they would make a nice present" so I untied them from the lamp post and I will give them to my sister tomorrow. I bought loo roll and when I got home I realised I needed milk not loo roll and now I have a fridge full of loo roll, so for tea I'm going to make a really hot curry. The rain tried to make an appearance but it was short lived which means its probably waiting for Mandy Murray so that he has an excuse, I really hope he wins Wimbledon this year (I farking don't cos I dislike him and his twin mother), but it would be great if the rain could fark off for a few more weeks and let me have some garden time. I have nicked some books from MCL and I like to read in the garden (and when having a pooh) and it would be nice to return them soon. I think everyone should read at least one book a week unless you are French, in that case you should spend more time shaving and showering and brushing your teeth. I'm off tomorrow so tonight its stella followed by some stella, I will go to the gym tomorrow for a letch, I mean a work out then have some more stella. Lifes a bitch, but so are most women. ooh I think I crossed a line there, ha ha ha ha ha who cares, diddly dee, la la la, everyones gone to the moon. (Did I mention, that I had some stella earlier).

I DONT MIND STRIKES BUT........

I dont mind people striking, im sure they think their cause is just and valid, but.....why the hell do they always come to London to do it?. I know parliament is in London and they the inbreds we call politicians are all supposed to be based here but i know for a fact that on strike days our MPs work from home so they are not the ones being incovenienced. As I drove to work this morning I saw lots and lots of police vans parked up around Westminster getting ready for the protesters, and I was pleased to see that they had learned at least one lesson. All the police officers were not cooped up in the back of their vehicles, they were all milling around on the pavements. Maybe its only the dogs they like to cook. I finally made it home after three divertions and I only had to swear at four other drivers who obviously dont live in London but came here for the day to do some sightseeing. Still im home now and I have picked up my car from the garage where I was having it looked at. I am now £120 worse off and have decided to dull the pain with some stella and a pizza. Wimbledon is still dragging on and people I have never heard of are grunting their way through what is arguably one of the most boring sports on the planet ( thats my view so up yours if you like tennis). I should really hoover up and bring in the washing but I cant be arsed so im gonna watch some cartoons and drink my lovely cold beers. la la la diddly everyones gone to the moon.  

HOT DOGS

I read with extreme anger, dismay and complete shock that police dogs died in a vehicle today because they overheated. A simple explanation one would think, but not in this case. The jack ass in question has killed a dog before in the same circumstance and I find it hard to believe that the silly farking carnt has done it again. The last time he killed a pooch he got a promotion, what will they give him this time? probably a knighthood and some free olympic tickets. In my job , if you make a mistake, the powers with no brains take you off track and make you feel really bad and you dont get back out for ages. If you miss battersea park for example, you get dumped on from a great height but you never ever do it again ( unless your name begins with SH or DG), You might make other mistakes but you wont miss Battersea Park again, you might fark up in other ways but you will always remember to stop at Battersea. This dopey silly plod roasted a pup a couple of years ago, said he was sorry and they made him a sargeant. Am I missing something? This time he has roasted TWO pups, in the same way and I am wondering what prize he will get. Unless he confesses to having shares in a chinese restaurant (am I allowed to suggest that? ) I think he should do some time. He obviously hates dogs or has trouble remembering he has left dogs in the oven, either way he is unfit for animal interaction. I made one silly mistake at work and I got completely hammered, ( although twentysix pounds a month for a diary is still cheap), I honestly think this guy should be left in a hot car until he sees the error of his ways. What will probably happen is that he will say a false appology and keep his job but not be allowed to eat, sorry, I mean work with dogs again, I made an appology and they expect me to still do my job. I almost wish I got the tin tack so I could become a dog cooker, ( sorry i mean join the police force, their uniforms are better than ours and they can drink on duty, (so i heard ) ) la la la , The story said he felt so bad he threw himself out of a police car, shame it wasnt going fast. I like animals, especially when they are covered in gravy and served with chips, but they dont deserve to be prepared in a hot vehicle.

MY MONDAY

I had to go to a team brief on saturday, it was a waste of time but it was better than driving traibs. I went out on saturday nite and I had a good drink, mad cat lady went to see some silly middle aged white bloke with dirty blond hair in hyde park, on sunday I had "you know what", today monday i went roads to brighton with a heavy smoking driver, I dont mind people smoking but apparently  its not allowed. I did what  I had to do at work and then I went home I took my car to the garage, there is nothing wrong with it i just wanted to show off. I did my monthly shopping and spent far too much for far too little. Whilst I was out both the Williams sisters lost at wimblwdon and I think the commentators were a bit too happy about it, that ginger git murray beat some french bloke and now everyone is going wild about it, I hate tennis. I hate tennis and I am not a murray fan. i wanty steak for tea but all my steak is frozen and you shouldnt cook it from frozen. I am well miffed about it. Luckily I have beer in the fridge and I intend to order a pizza. I doing roads to horsham tomorrow. La la la , and guess what? I really really dont care. The weather is gloriously hot, I love hot weather, I have no doubt that rain is on the way but right now im in the garden (well not right now cos im obviously writing this), but im going back to my garden with a good book and a nicely chilled drink, book supplied my MCL so dont bend the spine, she dont like it and can be very violent.

DRINKYPOOS

Im going out later. Its not wednesday but I have had a bath and changed my keks and I am going to meet up with friends for drinkypoos. Mad cat lady has gone to a Bon Jovi concert, why? I dont know, I think his music sucks, she did ask me to go, she is very considerate like that but I would rather shove strawberry jam up my arse and sit on an ant hill rather than go an see some middle aged white bloke in tight leather trousers ponce around on a stage shouting. My day started with a trip to brighton for a team brief. I farking hate team briefs, its all propaganda. It teaches us nothing and we learn nothing. The room was too hot and there was no free sandwiches or coffee. I managed to make it home on a packed train, and I had a lovely ride home on my super motorbike. I had a nice meal for one and the bath I told you about. I watched some crappy film and drank some chilled wine. And now im off to get sloshed. If I see you there I will by you a drink.

DAY OFF PART TWO

I was off yesterday and worked harder than being at work. Today was just the same although I did plan to be busy today. As usual, my noisy neighbours woke up half the street in their attempt to leave the house, so I got up had a nice light breakfast, put some washing in, hoovered the house, watched the news, and a story about how the wrong people are getting olympic tickets so I decided to crack on with my chores. I have decided to paint my doors and skirting boards and radiators. I prepared the doors properly, put on my latex gloves and opened the paint. The first of many phone interuptions began. Muscles Reidy wanted to know if I was going gym later and I said no. I started stirring the paint and the phone went again, I knew I should ignore it but it was the mad cat lady so I spoke to her, or rather listened to her moan about work. When she had finished I put the first stroke of paint on a door when the phone rang again, this time I ignored it but it kept ringing. I answered it to a work colleague who wanteds to to offer me a late turn next week, hah no thanks. I went back to painting and the door bell rang. I stopped painting and it was a postman with a parcel for my noisy neighbours, I signed his docket and put paint marks on the parcel, (ha ha ha), I went back to painting and was doing well when the bloody phone went again, it was mad cat lady telling me she had arrived home. Anyway I cracked on then my neighbours on the other side started playing loud music, I tried to ignore it but it was some real crappy old tunes and their dog was barking as well. I painted on for a while but I had to give up, the heat was too much and I had shut the doors to drown out the noise. I have managed to paint two doors, one hall cupboard door, my downstairs loo, and most of my left arm. I gave up and put everything away. I opened all the windows and decided to do some writing on my book. I have managed a very creditable 1543 words, so I am quite pleased. I had a lovely bath, scrubbed my arm to get the paint off, it wasn't easy and now my arm hurts. I gave myself a brazilian, (its nice to be tidy). I hung out the washing, I have prepared my world famous beef curry for later and now i'm off to the shops to treat myself to some beer. I checked and I'm ok for milk. la la la

MY DAY OFF

I have today off, HAH I would be less busy if i had gone to work. I was hoping for a lie in but I have neighbours who find it impossible to leave their house and get in a car with disturbing half the street. The woman obviously has a brain the the size on an ants knob because she keeps forgetting things and runs back in the house six or seven times, the dopey husband sits in the car tooting the horn and swearing her to farking hurry up. One of the things they do is leave the rear window open so half way down the street they come back to close it and repeat the leaving process all over again. Anyway I get up and I swear to you I think my son eats the toilet roll. I have two toilets in my house ( yes im very posh ) but there is never any loo roll so I have to go to my garage and get some, I nearly always find the tops off the screen wash and oil bottles in the garage where he forgets to put them back. I have some coffee, take a shower, then my chores begin, washing up, hoovering, dusting where needed, loading washing machine. My son and I go to the gym a lot so most of the washing is sports kits and towels. go to the shop for bits and pieces, hang out the washing, have another coffee, go to the gym come back from the gym, bring the washing in and pit in another load. All this is before mid day. I check my E mails, do some work on the books I am writing, hang the washing out and then my attention turns to lunch. I dont mind cooking but it can take an hour to cook and only minutes to eat.
On top of that , when I do take a break and turn the telly on, its daytime tv. What a load of shite daytime tv is. I think they should show daytime tv round the clock in prisons, that would stop people re offending. Anyway I have to go now because it looks like rain and I have to bring my washing in, I wanted to cut my grass but I will put that on the list for tomorrow, I forgot to but milk so thats another trip to the shop.

WHY DO PAPERS LIE

I think its time I stopped reading the particular newspaper that I buy. It never tells me the truth. Last week I read in the sports section that Stuart Pearce had assembled the best and finest under 21 squad that he has had control over for years. The paper allegedly quoted him as saying that he felt anything over then reaching the final would be a disaster. He said that even without the three players who pulled out for various reasons would not hamper our chances. What a load of crap. The first game was as interesting as a game of table tennis without the bats and the ball. The excuse that they are only young and coming off the end of a long season is absolute twaddle. The second game, well I just dont know why the hell I watched til the end, I wasted 90 minutes of my life which I wont get back and the last game just showed how bleak our International football is going to be. But that aint all the paper has lied about. Cheryl (too much hair ) Cole is giving up showbiz. Thats what the headline screamed and I spent the whole day semi erect with happiness and joy that I wont have read how sad and depressed she is every day and there will be less photos of her in the paper. I was overjoyed...... for two days then the paper she that due to fan pressure she had changed her mind. I felt well and truly miffed. It was like looking in the mirror and seeing ginger hair on my head. Then she spends the nite with her ex husband Cashley sorry I meant Ashley. I wasnt too suprised at that cos I saw that coming before the ink on her assault charge was dry. I am not anti Cheryl , I just dont like her. I dont like Amy Wino either so when it was annouced she was doing a foreign tour I had a feeling that even though the papers heralded her coming out of rehab (again) I knew she would muck things up when the limo took her straight to an off licence in the same road has her ex dealer. I read the paper because I like to informed of whats going on but I just cant trust any of them. The football transfer window was promised to be hectic and  frantic but so far the only thing important that has happened so far is the publication of Man Utds next seasons winning scores. They said our troops would be better looked after, but that has taken several steps backward, the weather forecasts are all wrong and the clean up of crooked MPs has ground to a halt. I like news, I like to be informed, but I obviously read the wrong paper, I think I shall do what the BBC do and make my own. 

WHERE I LIVE

I like where I live, I like, no actually, I love my house. Its a big house with a garage, in a fairly quiet street, I have a garage and a driveway, and my garden is the right size not to be a nuisance. The area, Deptford on the other hand leaves a lot to be desired. If Rotherhithe Tunnel, Blackwall Tunnel or tower Bridge anit working then the traffic is a nightmare. I am close to the the shops, and my gym and more importantly the pub I use (usually straight after the gym). You can tell a lot about an area from its local paper and ours is a depressing read. Todays headline was "Police raid on crack house reveals large arsenal". if that wasnt bad enough the next page screamed "Caretaker rents school out as a brothel ". I have kids and this concerned me a bit. I turn a few more pages and read "Alcoholic commits arson in own flat" I must admit that made me chuckle but then the very next page I read "Ambulance driver accused of stealing injured cyclists trainers". The council round here to be fair, do empty our bins every friday, the road sweeper turns up on thursday which makes no sense but our bins are emptied on a friday. When I say emptied I literally mean that because the lazy bastards leave most of the rubbish in the road. This has led us to having the biggest rats in London, which is probably the only thing we can boast about. No one in my street got olympics tickets and I have several neighbours who have applied to be on "Come Eat Me Grub" sorri I mean "Come Dine With Me" but all have had knockbacks because this area isnt salubrious enough. One of my neighbours wrote to 60 minute makeover but the reply she got  just said "ha ha ha ha ha , dont think so". Also in the local papers are the classifieds. I do like a bargain but one ad read " Pine double bed, £50 includes mattress, (some stains). " Another read " For sale 12 pairs of trousers, all 36 waist, genuine reason for selling, some part worn" Who the hell wakes up in the morning and decides to sell all their trousers?. The ad that really tickled me was the one that read "For sale, fishing reel cover, fits most fishing reels, only 70p, no time wasters please". If I tried really hard I dont think I could waste that idiots time any better then he is already doing for himself. Its raining outside, and its raining hard, I hope you damn gardeners are happy. I wasted a chunk of money (no not hard earned ) but still money on a new Argus ( I aint ashamed) half price BBQ and I have not had the chance to use it. April was a glorious month weather wise but June has been a washout. I dont mind the rain in June but it just prolongs the agony of tennis at Wimbledon. I hate tennis, I hate tennis. Monday, tennis starts, monday afternoon all the Brits are out, except for "not sure what country I want to play for" Murray who lasts until Tuesday afternoon. I really dont see the attraction but to be fair, some people dont like football either, (weirdos).So with all this rain I have my dryer on making it difficult to hear my telly, I hate my dryer cos it keeps nicking my pants, it used to be my socks but maybe since I started washing my feet every week it has decided to go for my under garments instead. Anyway, at least with all this rain the streets around here can get cleaned properly and it also keeps the teenage noisy spotty car thieving dope smokers in the local council estate tower block stairwells and off the streets for a little while longer. Prince Harry is being sent back to the front line " To do his bit". They pulled him out of there because his presence put the lives of his comrades in even more danger. Surely announcing to the world he is going back is giving the bad guys something to think about. Still, he is surrounded by the best trained army on the planet, and they do shoot at him maybe he can hide behind the BBC camera crew that will be filming his every move. I hate tennis.

WE HAVE BEEN HAD

Head line news today, Gadaffi,s son has been allocated several hundred olympic tickets. Let me say that again. The son of Crazy Colonel Gadaffi has been allocated several hundred olympic tickets. It does not make sense. Millions of honest hard working law abiding citizens applied for olympic tickets and were denied, yet the son of a crazy despot gets given several hundred. Kinda makes you lose faith in the system. THere may be strikes in the summer over the way our government are treating public sector pensions and retirement, they want us to shut up and be happy with what they dish out to us, in fact they expect us to be grateful, and yet a mad lunatic with no regard for human life gets our tickets. Our MPS vote on their own pensions and pay rises, they give them selves golden handshakes when they retire, they get £100 a day just for turning up to work, and then they can double their salaries withexpense claims. I have to say folks that I am seriously miffed about this. I didnt apply for tickets but I know many deserving people who did and got dumped on and yet lunatic junior gets given a shed load. I hope Boris is in his office on the top floor with the window open and I hope he is giving serious thought to stepping out. I used to think mad Ken was a jerk and a crook but Boris is much farking worse.

DO WARNINGS WORK

I went to the shops earlier and as a favour to te old arthritic wheezy lady who lives next door to me I got her some cigarettes. On the packet was a picture of a manky diseased lung and the caption " smoking kills ". well my neighbour must be eight seven at least and has smoked most of her life but she is still hacking her way through life, so maybe cancer is a bit choosy as to who it kills. I saw a picture of a little boy on the side of a milk carton and the caption said he went missing after talking to a stranger. This got me thinking about how to warn people of the danger in everyday life. Maybe chocolate cake boxes should have a picture of a fat lady crying as she comes out of Top Shop empty handed. I say this because there was a story today about the pikey sorry I mean traveller who was bitten by a guard dog as he burgled a factory. He saw the picture of a snarling dog but said he could not read the warning as he had never been to school because he had spent his life travelling around. If he spent his life travelling how did he pick up his giro every week?. Is it too much to ask that people take responsiblity for their own actions. A kid in Hull is suing his school because he burnt his tongue on hot custard, a prisoner is suing the government because he misses playing for his pubs darts team. I honestly think that we should make everyone take intelligence tests before they have kids because more and more people are growing up thick. I dont blame computer game for making children fat and lazy I dont blame tv for people wanting to be thin pretty and famous. I just wish we were allowed to tell the the truth. If some one is over weight, dont call them obese and say its a disease, just say "Oi fatty, put down the pie", if a kid is a great PS3 player but cant kick a ball or wield a cricket bat, buy him something different at christmas.
Lord Cameron and his puppy clegg have been on telly all day saying that this country is up the crapper because of the welfare system. He aint completely wrong but if I can sue Mcdonalds because the warning on my coffee cup is a bit vague then maybe I should not be allowed to buy coffee on my own. I saw a jar of peanut butter recently and the label said "may contain nuts" . It farking better have nuts in or im taking it back. I saw cooking instructions on a tin of tomato soup. Who the hell needs cooking instructions for tomato soup. Sorry folks, I need to go and lie down now, I used to watch " youve been framed" but now it seems every time I watch the news some idiot is caught on camera doing something daft. Today it was British soldiers torturing prisoners. It is totally wrong to do that but all I could think was that they deserve to be kicked out of the army for being silly enough to film themselves doing it. Are we becoming a nation of stupid people? do we really need to be told what is clever, what aint, what is acceptable and what isnt?. I dont know the answer but the next time I go out to cause some skullduggery I will leave my cam corder at home.
we are becoming a nation of compensation seekers ( the yanks started it) and we need to change. If it has a fence, no matter how high, you shouldnt climb it. If it looks sharp and dangerous, it probably is. If the sign says closed, come back another time. And my pet hate .....jay walkers. Its quite simple really, red man with line through body... dont cross, green man smiling... you may cross.  la la la .

NHS Waiting Times

In my quest to mayor of this great city, I tell everyone I would sort out the National health service and be tough on criminals. Poeple often ask me how I would sort out the NHS waiting queues in the A+E departments. Its not difficult, here is how I would do it. The waiting times would depend on the nature of your pedicament. For example, if a man was up a ladder cleaning his gutters and fell off, well that could happen to anyone and he van expect to be seen in around twenty minutes, if a person was walking "under" a ladder,and gets hit by some one falling off a ladder, well walking under a ladder is a bit silly but it could still happen to anyone so that person can expect to be seen in around 30 - 35 minutes. if someone has been drinking to impress a woman and they climb a drain pipe up an olg derelict building and fall off half way up, thats just farking stupid and they can expect to wait about 85 minutes. If you are the person who goes into A+E with some inanimate oblect stuck up your rectum, then you can expect to wait THREE hours, because it was self induced and the nurses are busy. However, if you are type of person who gets caught with your penis in anything that aint human,then you dont get seen until you have been on every daytime tv show and explained what the hell you were doing. When it comes to crime it is also quite simple, if you get caught, first time or not, you are going to prison, you dont get to vote, you only get BBC1 and BBC2, ITV and Channel 4 up until eight thirty, then you go back to your sell until breakfast which will be tea and toast, no other choice, and dont play the religion card, the choice is do you want breakfast , YES or NO ? and if you want to worship you God, do it in your cell. If you think that is harsh, dont break the law. TOO TOUGH I hear you cry, well lets try it for six months and see what happens. I saw a program the other night and this American guy (who else could it be?) weighed thirty seven stone, and he needed hospital treatment. It took two fire engine teams just to get him out of his house and a large flat back van to take him there. Thats fine by me but if he can afford to fatten himself up to that size, send the fat git the bill for transportation to the hospital. There was a man from Leeds on tv this morning, NINETEEN motoring convictions, SEVEN for burglary, he has four children by two different woman, he had a tattoo on his forehead and was moaning that since his release last year he cant find a job. HE HAS A TATTOO ON HIS FOREHEAD. Anyway, like I said, I would like to be mayor of this great city.

charity my arse.

I was walking back from the shops and one of those people working on behalf of charities tried to stop me. It was like a dance routine as I tried to get around him without stopping. Apparently thses street canvassers are known as Chuggers which is a combination of two words, Charity and Muggers because of the way the get you in the street. I have a new word for them and the word is Chunts.
This guy hassled me for about forty yards before i got passed him and when I did he yelled out "dont you care about the blind?"  All I could say back was "No, its because of them that labradors are so expensive". He asked me if I ever donate to charity, and the answer is yes,yes I do, I donate quite a large sum every year, if ever I am in hospital with cancer I am gonna snatch the oxygen machine off the little bald kid in the bed next to me cos I hepled pay for it.
My mate Boris is in the paper, he is worried about the latest ash cloud. Its not an ash cloud, its Ryan Giggs burning all the newspapers he can get his hands on.
Its been raining for the last few days and I won a bet with my son, I bet him that by the end of this week there would be a burst water main some where and bless my silk socks there was one mentioned on this mornings travel news, it was/is in North London, I dont live in North London so I wasnt really bothered but it just highlights how pathetic our utilty companies are. Rumours are flying that the Miliband brothers are not talking to each other. Isnt that the way siblings are supposed to act? Lastly, can someone please tell Lord Cameron and his puppy Clegg, that rolling up your sleeves does not make you look cool and hip. I watched the England under 21s last nite, thats 90 minutes of my life I wont get back, I know they are only "young" but bloody hell it was soooo very boring, even the commentaters were yawning. Luckily when the next match is on I have arranged for the people who hand out Watchtower magazine to come round and cheer me up.

As Predicted

As predicted, the Olympics have not even started and its becoming a farce. No one knew if they were going to be successful in getting a ticket and even if you were lucky there was no gaurantee that you  would receive a ticket to the event you wanted. Blithering Boris moaned that he never got a ticket but was going to try again, I bet he still turns up there, Lord Smarmy Coe says that the process was fair and just. Please may I smoke whatever he puts in his pipe. Why could they not put on the application the first three events you would like and if unsuccessful would you like a random event?  So you get choice A B or C or D if you aint fussed.  Why do so many unworthy "famous and deserving " people get gifted a ticket. I saw on the news that athletes are only getting one ticket for a family member, surley at least two so mum AND dad can go and watch their offspring come fourth. Im getting bored with Boris saying how proud he is and even more exasperated with Lord Smarmy saying it was a fair process. Someone on the olympics committee needs a kick in the genitals because before the games have even begun we are being laughed at. I attended all my school sports days and then all the sports days of my children. I ran in and then watched countless egg and spoon races and yet there is not one event for this. There is also no sack race or races with bean bags on our heads. All across the world the children of other nations train from an early age to be good at sports but here in Blighty we dont let our kids compete because its not fair to the fat kids and the lame kids. Well boo hoo to them, on that dumb logic lets ban science maths and biology from our schools so the stupid kids can feel equal. Actually we currently have an excuse for our athletes, the councils of this great nation are starting to bring in hose pipe bans because it didnt rain one day last month, we use the excuse that the weather was a wrong temperate for our athletes to train in. We should be the fastest runners in the world because it rains so much here sure our athletes wear wellies and cagouls when they train. If you aint got a ticket, dont panic, I have a telly, come and watch it at mine, I have beer wine chicken and burgers, if you want salad bring your own. I am inventing a new game, Its called " How many famous people in the audience who never bought a ticket can you name?"

TRY AND STEAL THIS

Remember me telling you that some thieving toerag stole my precious Honda 125 a few weeks ago? The police did nothing and the insurance company banked my check. I was furious and felt violated but I said then that I would bounce back. Well I am back, I have a newer shinier bike it has an electric start (yippee no more sore shins). I have also rented a garage from the council. So my new baby is securely housed over nite, I have a ground anchor and THREE heavy duty locks (one with an alarm) on the bike. I park my car in the garage blocking the bike in AND I have THREE locks on the garage door. Lets see MR Stickyfingeredthievinggit  try and nick that. If I hear my alarm go off I will be up and at my garage, baseball bat in hand in less than thirty seconds. Im not vindictive but I almost want you to try.

Lord Coe is an ass

'Well the lines are closed, the coffers are full'. I don't know anyone who got a ticket, its strange how people reacted, frantically checking their accounts to see if they got lucky, I'm not sure what's worse, discovering you need to sell one of your kids just to get a seat at the opening ceremony or realising you have a ticket to the early rounds of ping pong. Usain Bolt takes ten seconds to run 100 metres, tickets to the final cost £720, thats £72 quid per second and that's hardly good value, anyway why max out your credit card just so you can sit in the drizzle and stare at strangers far away from where you sit, leg it past you. And to top it all tickets for the closing ceremony are two grand, thats a lot of money to watch people go home. I bet smarmy Coe has a ticket.

Tuesday 7th June

Ryan giggs has been caught shagging his sister in law. Why is every one surprised? firstly, he is welsh, they shag anything, secondly, he is a man, we shag anything and thirdly, he is an overpaid namby pamby footballer, they shag everything. I only hope his brother who he has done the wrongest of crimes against (if wrongest aint a word then it should be) waits til Ryan aint suspecting it, then whacks him in the cock with a metal pole and throws his dirty cheating pooper wife out a high window. I will bet any money you like the silly dirty cheating slut says that Ryan Giggs told her he loved her. I bet we will soon see photos of her in skimpy knickers cos she wants to be a model (I hope there are photos, oo er missus). This disgusting man has been held up as a role model for years, and look what happens, he turns out to be as big a dirty shit as the rest of these so called leaders of men. I am not surprised, and what make it even worse is that his dumb dopey wife will forgive him (lets be fair, the the dirty shagger is worth a fortune). I also don't understand the hoohah over the Playboy club opening in London. It provides jobs for boobly enhanced women who can't get proper jobs and if soapy disgusting men want to pay six quid a pint then so be it. Did you notice all the ugly looking women protesting outside? Jealous bunch of crop haired hairy legged can't get a man bow wows. Good luck to that dirty old perv Hugh Heffner, I'm sure his twenty eight year old fiance really loves him. And more importantly, lets feel sorry for Cheryl (toilet attendant basher) Cole, sacked from whatever show she was useless at and she has to get speaking lessons for her new job, well lets be honest, it is really difficult to ask some one if "they want fries with that". I saw David Beckham on telly meeting the Pope, am I the only one who cringed when Beckham asked the Pope how Mrs Pope was?. As I drove home from the gyn today I saw a sign near a school that said "Slow children crossing" at first I thought that was considerate to warn us drivers but then I thought, the slow children must be feeling quite ashamed, well the ones that can read. My lady friend has been celibate since her divorce four years ago and I just found out that she has caught E.Coli from a cucumber, lifes a bitch, la la la . Boris Johnson??? dont get me started.

Clause 9 Weekend

Monday afternoon, my mate Boris is again in the news moaning that he has not got a ticket for the olympics, he is worried that he might have to watch it all on telly ( like the rest of us mere mortals ) he has not yet taken up my offer of watching it at my house but the offer is open and will remain open, wotsername is also on the news, crying into her big mane of crazy hair, crying that she feels worthless and let down by Mr Cowell, she also said the 1.2 million quid that was offered to her as a golden handshake did not hide her humiliation to the world and she wished she had the chance to prove herself to an American audience. For 1.2 million quid I would shit in a box and rub the contents all over me on world wide tv not just American tv, but hey thats just me. I have to admit I dont care if that 12 year old gay kids chances of winning BGT is fixed or not, I dont watch it and I dont buy the resulting must have albums. Susan Boyle was good but she is still someone who does not have an album on my shelf. The papers need to focus on more important things like the weather. I need to plan my golfing diary and I need those overpaid forecasters to get it right more often. They have been close this weekend cos they said it might rain and it did but I need them to be more specific. Also I dont care where the bald prince and his wife are going to live, its not like they have to worry about getting a mortgage, it made me larf when the media said the honeymoon was over and they are both back at work. Since they have both been 'back at work' they have been to four shows, been to two countries and been invited to three parties, wow life is tough when you get married. Anyway, I'm not jealous, NO I AINT, I just wish I lived in the real world like they do, they think the whole world smells of paint and everyone you meet smiles and wants to shake your hand , where everyone wears a nice medalled uniform, well here is the the real news, I wear a uniform to work and the only medal on it costs me £26 a month and comes with a diary, ooops sorry I nearly lost it for a second, anyway its nice to see the England football team are still as good as they have always been, a draw to us is like a win, and if we all cross our fingers and wish real hard maybe Santa will give us more rain this summer. Ironically my celibate lady friend who doesn't have sex cos she is afraid of catching a disease caught E Coli from a cucumber. La la la.

Cold Callers

Some guy has just called me and wanted to sell me something. Before he told me what it was he said I would be very happy at the end of this call. He wanted my name and post code which I did not give, he wanted to know how many people lived here, I did not tell him, he got a bit humpy and asked who I got my gas from and I replied British Gas, he asked why and I said that when I bought the the house I needed gas and being in Britain, British Gas were ticking all the boxes, he asked how I would feel if he could save me %15 on my gas bills, I said I would feel exactly the same but I would be paying less for my gas. He hung up.

Boris can watch it my house

I checked my bank account today to see if any money had been taken out for tickets to watch the olympics. No money had been taken out which was quite handy because i didnt order any. I did consider tying to get some but the thought that I might not be successful and even if I was it might be to some really obscure event like synchonised kite flying out me off. I dont mind not going because it will be on the telly. What I have done instead is used the money that the tickets cost to buy a new BBQ set and several cases of lager and wine. Nearer the date I will by food for the BBQ and watch it, weather permitting, in my garden. I saw Boris Johnson being his usual blithering idiot self moaning that he also applied and did not get tickets either. I bet he sacked that assistant same day. He also said that it made him proud to be British because as mayor of the host city he was treated like the rest of us and failed to get tickets. He must think we are all loopy. How on earth will he NOT be there? He doesnt need tickets, like he just said he is the mayor of the host city. Lots of MPs will be there on the free, so will members of the Royal family who dont have proper jobs to do. What about all us Londoners who have helped pay for this damn fiasco with our council tax. I think we should have been first to get tickets. Boris Johnson said he was going to re apply for tickets. What he meant was , he fired the poor schmuck who didnt manage to get his tickets and he has hired a new assistant to try. Honestly, for a man who is supposedly rich and intelligent, he does seem to think we are all buffoons like he is. If he really cant get tickets then he more then welcome to come to my house and share my hospitality ( just like anyone else who wants to come), but I really dont see Bumbling Boris not being there, after all he would propbably be the first MP not to snatch a fistful of freebies if they are offered ( or donated as a gift ). One bloke spent £36k trying to get tickets and he ended up with £11k of tickets to events he doesnt want to see. Can i just say to him ha ha ha ha ha you silly man ( or something like that ). I am gonna spend about no where near as much and watch all the olympics I want to, ( which to be honest wont be that much). If I was London Mayor, more Londoners would have been luckier. You know who to vote for next time , la la la .