WHAT A DAY

What a day I had yesterday. I spent the day coastal which is never good and the weather temperature had dropped drastically so the bike ride home was looking bleak. On the Victoria barrier was the new girl whose name is Ena. I always say "hi Ena" and giggle when I see her. She doesn't get the joke and thinks I'm taking the piss, which is why she works on the barrier. Anyway as I went through the barrier I saw the most miserable driver walking towards me. I don't want to use his real name so lets call him Paul Taylor. He is so miserable, you would think he was born with ginger hair. Everything he owns is either broken or needs new batteries, everywhere he goes is always closed and in shops, everything he wants is out of stock. This man is a one man no go zone. He should be cordoned off from the rest of us. Every friend he has is either sick, dead or dying. He is scared of restaurant toilets because everytime he goes on a date, he takes the woman to a restaurant, she goes to the toilet and they never come back. Anyway to be polite as we passed each other I said hello how are you and his shoulders sagged and he moaned, "I'm not happy, I'm just booking on" I said "shame cos I'm going home" he then said no point going home I live with my mum". I said you need to get out more, he replied "I went out last night, I went to a group therapy class about lonliness" I said "wow that sounds like fun," he replied "no one turned up". I just larfed and walked away. I only about twenty yards when a canvasser stopped me and said "can I ask you a question?" I said "make it a quick one then" and he asked "what do you think about doing voluntary work in your spare time?" I said to him "I wouldn't do voluntary work even if you paid me" and I walked off. When I got home my mate who has a broken arm asked me to go round and clean his windows because he can't clean them at the moment and he wants to spy on his female neighbours. He lives on the 8th floor. As I stood on the ledge I thought one wrong slip and it could be curtains, then I thought if I slip the other way I could fall out the window and kill myself. Anyway, tomorrow I'm not coastal so at least I can watch colour telly on my break, or I could read that new book I bought, its called the history of glue,, its so good I cant put it down. vote for me la la la.

COASTAL CRISPS

I was really ill this weekend. I had Man Flu. I was chucking up at one end and at the other it was like draining an old radiator. I'm sure I lost a stone and a half in body weight. Anyway, being the hero that I am, I dragged myself out of bed this morning and struggled in to work. I was coastal today and I don't like going there too often because I always feel, whats the word i'm looking for? No not superior, just different. I have even bought a fake finger from a joke shop so that at a quick glance I look like one of "them". Anyway I was in the crew room and was about to make some coffee when I noticed everyone standing around the snack machine. They were oohing and arhhing like it was a new born baby. Anyway I didn't want to disturb them so I tried to make my way through the crowd when one of them asked "has anyone tried it yet". Turns out its a new machine thats just been delivered. Someone piped up and said "no the guy has just unpacked a minute ago, I wonder if the chocolate will taste different" " ooh, I do hope so" said a female guard. Well that was it, I decided to have some fun. I looked at the make of the machine and said "excuse me folks, that looks like a Westinghouse series 4, do you mind if I try something?". One guy said "what do you want to do?" so I said, "these machines have been known to give free crisps if you know how to put the coin in" they looked at me like I was naked. I said "stand aside and watch" I looked the machine over then I smiled and "if you put 50p in at the right angle, the crisps come out and you get your money back" one of the yokels said "I dont fucking believe you", or something like that but I knew he did. So I took out a pound coin and put it in and pressed the button for chicken crisps. Out came the crisps out came 50p change. I held up the crisps and the change and nearly got trampled to death in a stampede. Anyway a few seconds later this guy put his money in and ordered a kitkat, guess what? He got a kitkat. He looked at me and growled "it dont work" I said "well it don't work on kitkats ony crisps" so another bone head put his money in and got crisps but no change. He was just as disappointed as the first guy, he said show me how to do it and gave me 50p. Again being a bit quicker than the average coastal spud I put a pound coin in got my crisps and some change, I gave him the crisps and kept the money. I said, "you have to put the coin in at just the correct angle or it won't work" just then I heard "Right, I'm going to the ticket office to get a bag of change" and this fat guy who looked like he had eaten more than his share of crisps in his lifetime (he had really bad spotty skin) ran out the room. Then I heard "wait for me" and 2 others ran after him. The rest just stood there admiring the machine. I made my coffee , picked up my bag and left. I heard one woman say, "ooh I love crisps, I'm gonna get so fat". Someone else said "me too".
Dont you just love dumb people? I love being link one sometimes. La la la

THE LABEL IS WRONG

This morning I went to one of the more well known coffee stalls on the concourse and asked for a coffee. The person behind the counter, obviously not a local lad huffed at me and raised his eyebrows and asked me what sort of coffee I wanted, somewhat perplexed I said I wanted a coffee what type of coffee? the type that is brown and hot with no sugar. He looked at me as though I had asked him for oral sex, he said "we have latte, skinny latte, mocha, cappachino, frappachino, espresso and Brazillian decaf". I was getting a bit miffed cos I had a train to take out and I just wanted a coffee to keep me awake, so I again said "I just want a regular cooffe please, one without all the fuss" he gasped and almost threw up, he asked me "do you mean 'instant?', I said "yes, is that a problem?" he replied with some disdain, "almost no one in their right mind just has an 'instant' these days ". I said "well I must be mad then" . Anyway he asked me what size so I said "just a small please " he said "we have medium or large only " I looked at him and said "to have a medium, you also need a small and a large" he immediately got his gay hump on and said "look, its medium or large, which do you want?" so again I said "small" he looked at me and said "are you going to be difficult?" I said "not if you give me a small coffee" he then said "we have two sizes, does that make it easier for you to order?" so I said "not really, cos I know what I want, why dont you mince around the back and get one of your colleagues who knows the difference between two sizes and get them to serve me the smaller one" he looked like his mascara was gonna run and said "A coffee in the size you want is £2.65". I said "you must be out of your mind too" he asked why so I said "if you think im paying £2.65 for a coffee you must be fucking mad" and I walked away. I went to McDonalds and bought what they call a coffee. It was brown and hot and I managed to get the little sticker off the cup and filled in the collectors card I have, so the next time I go to McDonalds, my next cup of hot brown goo is free. Can I just say to those who regularly buy a fancy named coffee and pay silly money for it, I think you are daft. Coffee is coffee, it doesn't need a flash whooshing creaming machine and it doesn't need chocolate on it and it doesn't need to be served by a foreign student with studs in their eyebrows with names I can't pronounce, it needs to be hot and brown, sugar and milk optional. I will make my own in the crew room from now on.

REAL MEN DO

In todays paper there is an item about what women want and making women happy. The article says the ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't snore, doesn't burp, doesn't fart, doesn't watch football and doesn't argue with his partner. There is something else he doesn't do, he doesn't exist. Lets be honest people, a man who fits that description sounds like a totally boring person. It funny how papers keep telling us males how to keep women happy. Well its about time they started telling women how to keep us happy. Women have expensive hair cuts, men pay about a tenner, women take half a day to get dressed men do it in minutes, women take ages to order in a restaurant, men want meat and lots of it, women want men to hold doors open yet the moment you do they call you sexist. I'm not saying we should all act like that tosser Jeremy Clarkson but then again we don't all want to be David Niven. Women want hugging and pampering and wooing and fine dining and they want flowers and chocolates and compliments they dont deserve, they want men to cry at the same films and men who can decorate, they want men to be effeminate and yet look great with two day stubble, they want all this and much more. All men want is a blow job. Nothing more nothing less. It takes just this one thing to make us happy but do we ever get it? No, well maybe on birthdays and at christmas and only if we have bought them a small forest of flowers over the year and a ton of chocolate too. Ladies if you want a perfect man then you know what to. If you don't want to do that one thing for your man then please buy extra soft tissue for him and knock loudly before entering. When men try to be perfect we get accused of wanting something, when women act perfect it means they have crashed the car.

WELL DONE TESCO

Tesco is in trouble today with the fat police. In a rare gesture of goodwill Tesco has reduced the price of chocolate bars to 20p each. Well done Tesco, as soon as I finish work I am gonna visit one of your stores and buy a whole lot. But wait, those silly sappy bleeding heart tree hugging sandal wearing scruffy bearded lot at Fat peoples Annonymous are whinging that the weak minded tubbies wont be able to resist. So fecking what. If those fat lumps bite their fingers off chomping away at gobfuls of chocolate, I say let them indulge. Why should skinny people be the only ones to enjoy cheap chocolate. These fat overweight chumps, and that is exactly what they are will just keep eating the crap they are currently sticking in their cake holes anyway. Let them enjoy cheap chocolate. I wish those idiots in the fat police would go out and get a life. So what if some sad losers can't control their eating habits. The rest of us can. I know loads of people who eats lots of chocolate and can still touch their toes and see their feet. So the simple answer is this. If you are a fat loser who can't control how much you cram in your mouth, stay away from Tesco, the rest of you form a queue (behind me). La la la

CRISIS AVERTED

Wow what a day, I'm off today and I have a lot planned. First i'm meeting Keef for a game of squash. Now and again we get together and I let him wipe the floor with me. It's my way of helping those less fortunate. Anyway, the day didn't start too well, my electric toothbrush was flat and momentarily I was at a loss as to what to do. I almost rang MCL, well its just ML now because all her felines are defunct, but luckily my second child was on his laptop so I got him to use the interweb to show me how to use one of those old manual brushes. It took longer to search then it did to use. Anyway I left home with a fine rack of pearly whites. I arrived on time but grandad Keef was a bit tardy, he left home in his PJs again and Mrs Keef had to call him back and re dress him. Still we had fun and I let him win quite overwhelmimgly and sent him on his way with a smile and a lob on. Then I met ML for a soft gym sesh, she worked as hard as I would expect a member of the fairer sex to work, I saw a glisten of sweat then she packed up and had a box of fags. She did buy me a pint and we had some lunch. I put a load of washing in the machine, its mainly darks so I went easy on the Lenor, i'm now off to circuit training, so yes I will have trained THREE times today. Why am I still fat??. It cant possibly be the Stella in the fridge. Mr Bailey was upset at the price of an underground ticket so when I become mayor my first order of business is to ban whining bastards from travelling. La la la

BUY ONES OWN

I just arrived home from another gruelling day at workhouse and I turned on the news whilst I packed a sports kit, ( im meeting Muscles Reidy for a gym sesh). Anyway there was tnis toady chinless Tory MP saying that we tax payers should buy The Queen a new Royal Yacht. What the feck was wrong with the old one? She didnt use it all that often and she already has her own train to swan about in, not to mention that not too shabby Rolls Royce with all the bullet proof glass so we can see her being driven around giving Joe Public the finger. Dont get me wrong, I think Liz has done a very good job sitting in the big chair, especially when hyou consider what a let down her offspring have been, ( not you Anne you have been properly behaved). I think Liz has been very restrained in not giving Phillip a slap in the chops after some of his gaffes but lets be honest, asking us to cough up £20 mill for a boat is taking the piss. Dont forget we are paying for that shambles of an olympic stadium and we ase still bailing out some countries who cant pay their bills. Our military dont earn enough, our nurses dont earn enough and our money grabbing thieving MPS earn too bloody much. Sorry Liz, if you want to swan down the Thames giving it charlie large then I think you should have a look under your mattress, its not as if you have to get buy on a train drivers wage is it£ we helped pay for the castle when Andy burnt the toast and we hepled pay for Phil to have operation recently, surely , seeing as its your face on our money One should buy Ones own. I dont suppose I will get her vote now but never mind, I will just have vote twice, its been down before, ask George Bush, he knows what I mean.

CHANGING PLACES

today in the paper, a lowlife scumbag old lady mugger is moaning about the long sentence he got for "only stealing a handbag". To me, the 2 years wasnt long enough, bearing in mind he had done it before. the news item just before was about the lack of quality care our seniors get in care homes. I just had and idea. Lets put the seniors in prison and the prisoners in care homes. In prison, the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and excercise classes. In prison they would have access to unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheelchairs and suchlike, and they would receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they can receive assistance should if they have a trip or fall.
Bedding would be washed twice a week , and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every twenty minutes and bring their meals to their cells.
They would have family visits in a suite built just for that purpose. They would have access to a library, a weights room, a swimming pool, spititual counselling and education. Simple clothing like shoes, slippers PJs and legal aid would be free on request. Private (secure) rooms for everyone, and a safe excercise yard and garden area.
Each senior could have a PC, a TV, a radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and they guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The "criminals" in a home would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights out at 8 pm, and shower only once a week. They would live in a tiny room and pay £600 per week with no hope of ever getting out.
Thats what I think we should do, put our poor sad crims in a home and send our old folk to prison. True justice me thinks.
WHO DO YOU WANT FOR LONDON MAYOR NOW???

JANUARY jIMMERS

I went to the gym yesterday. I noticed that the gym was fairly empty seeing as it was lunchtime ish and usually at friday lunch time, its quite busy with the office typed who want a quick work out before going to a wine bar. Anyway I did my workout and had my run and had this feeling that everyone had gone away. So when I got back to the gym after my run ( 2. 2 miles) I asked the receptionist why it was so quiet. She told me that as usual, like most gyms, it was quiet during December as people went on the piss or to office parties, and then membership increased in January as all the fatties who made their new years resolution to get in shape all signed up. However, the gym I use does not do yearly membership, there is not contract, its just a direct debit that can be cancelled at any time. It turns out that most of the tubbers who signed up tried the gym for a few sessions which included the first three sessions with a personal trainer and decided working out was hard work. Well thats a shock. There was one tubber, a guy named Phil who trained twice then moaned he was the same weight. One woman complained that not enough women fatter than her are members and one gay man said the gym didnt have enough pretty people. Im glad these dumb shallow heffers dont want to work out in my gym cos I like to go to the gym, do my thing then go home (to the pub). I dont want to see acres of flab rumbling around on a rowing machine, I dont want to see elephants sweating over the water cooler and how can I forget the fat ugly woman in a leotard that was streched way beyond the call of duty who kept farting while was going lunges. So, can I just thank all you lightweights for giving up so early cos it means I dont have to use equipment that has been damaged by some fat fucker who doesnt want be there in the first place. If you are a fat pig and dont want to work out , there is a great diet book out called " oi fatty, put that cake down". Its very good. Im going to have a takeaway later cos I went to the gym yesterday and im going again on sunday. Its a viscious circle but some one has to do it. La la la

MAYOR WEST SAYS

If I was London mayor, I would not get the job by saying I will cut rail fares. It cant be done. What I would do though is heavily fine any transport company that has late running services. I honestly believe the public don't mind paying if the service is good. If the company I work for is anything to go by then if they started getting fined for poor services, it might make our managers finally come down hard on the workshy lazy gits who get overpaid to skive. I would also make it my mission to clamp down on public disorder. I get fed up reading about these mindless morons who form gangs and rampage on our streets. I would refuse hospital treatment for drunk louts in our hospital A and E departments and I would fine people for leaving unwanted luggsge on trains and buses. I would make everyone responsible for protecting their own homes. What this means is that when some drunk drugged up lowlife burglar gets caught creeping in to your house at at 2 in the morning, you are allowed to kick the shit out of him and leave his carcass on your front lawn and let the dustmen take it away without the police knocking on your door. I would also make it legal that any drunk knobheads misbehaving in kebab shops and chinese restaurants late at night should be made to stand naked in the street and eat all the leftovers from the day before. I would make London safer and I would I would make sure you get to where you are going on time. The current crop of dead beats. Boris johnson, weasel Ken Livingston and that chinless nerd Paddick are just not up to the job. In fact none of our elected MPs are up to it. I am, let me say that again, I AM. So when the time comes put your X in my box. I guarrantee we will have a laugh. Sod Brussels, lets do things our/my way. La la la

NO ONE LOVES ME

No one loves me. I have the house to myself. She is away gallivanting. I got up early today after a damned good nits sleep. I went to the gym and had a fairly decent work out. I took a leisurely 2 mile walk to Deptford market, which was a waste of time cos the market was only half out and I didnt see anything worth buying. I had a nice walk back, picking up my new christmas jeans from the cleaner on the way. I put on my lottery (fingers crossed) and arrived home. I have loads of alcohol in the house but I'm trying to refrain from drinking so I am watching a box set of Family Guy sober. Its still funny but if you watch it slightly tipsy its hilarious. There is no decent football today so after Family Guy I will read a book for a while. I intend to go gym tomorrow morning then wash my motorbike. I am really enjoying some alone time, ita actually quite nice being unloved. I am naked apart from socks cos ita a big chilly, well it would be cos I'm naked duh. Maybe later I might have a tissue moment, might as well cos she is away gallivanting. Being on my own is quite nice but I have nothing to talk to myself about. There is a get together later. If im not to tired bored and aint hung myself I might honour them with my presence. I might not though cos I quite like this rare day of peace. If God loves me he will make it rain hard and heavy in Bristol, just for today. Actually, I might have a beer, just one cos I have been a good boy so far this year. Anyway I must go, I want to watch another episode of Family Guy and then plan my mayoral campaign. Please vote for me. La la la if I win, we will all go to the moon. There are two squirrels in my garden, should I feed them?. No cos they will keep coming back. Ooh I almost forgot, I'm cooking home made burgers and fat seasoned chips for dinner and some scrambled eggs, must remember to wash hands if I have tissue moment first. Hope its cold in Bristol.

AUSTRALIA ? NO THANKS

I just saw an advert on telly for holiday in Australia from £749. I rang the number on the screen and quoted the reference number and this chinlees idiot asked me how he could help me. I told him I was interested in buying a holiday that is being offered and without even checking he said they were all gone. I told him the advert is still on the telly so how can they be all gone if they are still being advertised. He replied that he didnt know but he can offer me a holiday for £1260. I told him for that price, instead of one week in Australia I could have 3 weeks in Egypt. He said if I went to Australia I could mingle with lots of Ex Pats. I told him if I wanted to talk to English people I would stay at home. I then said "Listen mate, I have my credit card in my hand and right now I want to buy two holidays for £749 so I can bring a lady with me, and have an week of amazing sex and great company" he asked "cant you afford £1260? So I said yes I can but it would mean going on my own and I dont want to go all the way to Australia just for a wank" he told me it was lovely "down under" so I asked him where he liked best. The silly sod said he had never been but the brochure.....I stopped him mid speech and said, "fuck the brochure, brochures say Skodas are nice cars but I dont want one of those either" he asked me what car I drive and told him it was a Saab, I asked him what car he drove and his reply was "I dont want to say" so I said "it must be a shit one then" he was quiet so I asked if there was someone who he could put me through to so I could ask about these £749 holidays and he blurted out that they never existed, the price advertised was just to get people to ring in. I demanded he put me through to a supervisor and when I got through I told him I had just been told of their blatant scam. He offered me a holiday for £1130 so like the dope before him at £749 I was getting laid, over a grand was an expensive box of tissues. Upshot of the story, this year I'm getting laid in Morrocco.

2012

Ok its now a new year. Can we please leave the craziness of the last few days behind us. I can't believe how so many sane minded people slipped into the mindset of redneck America and started stockpiling supplies like it was the end of the world. Its raining today, new years day so that sets the template for the rest of the year. Hopefully, some of the lazy no good bastards I work with will change their lifestyles and actually put in a good weeks work. I am already bored with the adverts for holidays and I am equally bored with the so called has been nobodies trying to sell keep fit DVDs. Its always busy in the gym during January and then they all quit during February when those DVDs don't work. I will hopefully stay as sexy and gorgeous as I have always been and I hope my year is so much better than last year. MCL is still nowhere near full fitness but being the super trooper she is, she is striving to get there, she puts many of her co workers to shame and I look forward to her return, the crew room misses her character. Anyway, folks, I still want to be your mayor so vote for me, I'm honest but open to bribery if it gets things done. Have a good 2012 everyone and dont forget to go to the moon. La la la