NEW YEARS EVE

Well folks, tonight is the night. 2012 will finally be over and can I say good riddance to all that rain. Having said that, it has pissed down all day. We went to the supermarket earlier to pick up one or two items for what will be our delicious dinner later before we go out and have a fantastic evening. The bloody supermarket was ram packed with people doing their shopping, not just bits and pieces shopping but proper full on shopping, it was just ridiculous. I can never understand men who drive their wives to the shop and then sit and wait in the car. My good leprechaun friend Steve Coe does that. He was a London Driver but unfortunately couldn't stay because he has ginger hair. He now works coastal, he is the nicest guy on the planet and fair play to him, even though he lives coastal and has the wrong hair he simply refuses to grow an extra finger on each hand. Deep down he is still a London boy but ginger hair is ginger hair, its not normal, I love him but I don't want to catch the hair disease. I received a Christmas gift today, I ordered it in early December for a guaranteed delivery before Christmas and it came today. It amazes me that expensive stuff ordered online takes ages to deliver but when I recently ordered some real cheap shit for my mother in law I was still on the phone when the doorbell rang and the postman handed me the crap. I hope 2013 will be a better year for all my friends and I hope all the people I don't like end up broke living in Middlesborough. Next year will be great for me because it just will. Enjoy your new years eve, me and mine will, we always do. Next year I will do bigger better blogs, tell your friends if you have some. Here is two, I am doing two because its my gift for the new year. Interesting fact number one, in a recent restaurant survey, married men tip better than single men, and interesting fact number two, there is enough library books in the world for everyone on the planet to have one each. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week by Ola West. Have a great year. la la la

2012

2012 is nearly over, and can I just say good riddance. What year it has been. We lost a good man at our depot, don't get me wrong, he ain't dead, Richard just left for another job. In 2012 it rained, it rained a lot, and then it rained some more. Like everyone else I started the year with good intentions and full of hope. During the year I went to the gym 107 times, I attended 39 spin classes, I ran over 200 miles around the parks and the Marina, and that was without the treadmill miles and I played squash 14 times. But to balance things out I had more than my fair share of take away meals and delicious feats and I afraid I went over and way way beyond the permitted allowance of alcohol, my doctor would not approve (no doctor would)however I still weigh 2lbs less then I was this time last year. I was a bit disappointed with the 2012 Death List, there is over forty names on the list but so far only eleven people have bothered to die. Recently whilst driving through Mitcham I was accosted by a street urchin. He approached my cab and engaged me in conversation, he seemed to be under the impression he knew me, I tried to recall how I knew him but as I looked at his Man Utd track suit top and his West Ham track suit bottoms I just couldn't figure out which council estate he came from. He looked a bit hungry so I gave him the rest of the apple I was eating which brought a huge smile to his face so I also gave him a pound coin and I said don't spend it on drugs and he told me he was going to give it his mum to put on the electric key which I thought was nice. As you know I spent a lot of time coastal which isn't my favourite place, its like being on the set of a weird movie. Michael Caine said appearing in the Muppet movie was weird because you have to pretend these creatures are real but you just have trouble interacting with them. Several things tested my patience, Jaywalkers, they should be dressed in a tall hat so that you can run them over with impunity, Tom Cruise who I quite like has trouble getting on some of the rides at Disney Land some how got the part of Reacher, six foot six, chiselled, good looking and tough (yeah I don't get it either), bastard cyclists with no lights on, car drivers with their fog lights on, Posh and Becks, or as I like to call them Thick and Thin are still the nations most irritating couple and Alex Ferguson is still berating officials when they don't give the decision he wants and Ed Miliband who only took the job so his mum would notice him still looks like a security guard who has heard a noise in an empty warehouse. As the year draws to a close, I still despise Boris and Ken. I would like to wish most of you a happy new year and to those I don't like can sod off. To all my fans at home abroad (OLA WEST INTERNATIONAL)hope you all have a fantastic 2013, there will be a new Death List so suggestions are welcome, I'm off to the moon, la la la diddley dee. Please buy my E book A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, it only takes seven pounds of pressure to rip off a human ear.

GYM KNOBS

I had to work today. Admittedly the first time for a while but I still wasn't looking forward to it. I must have stopped at every station in and around London. Anyway as I was having my coffee before my first trip there was two knob heads in the crew room. One show me yours and I will show you mine. They were discussing their muscles or in my opinion, a lack of. They are a bit scrawny but seem to think they have good bodies. Their conversation flitted around training methods but the gist seemed to be that they joined a gym to letch at gorgeous fit women, apparently both their wives are mingers, unlike me who has a wonderful woman. Anyway I finished my coffee and like I said I must have stopped everywhere. As I tootled around I thought about the two jelly heads and decided to go to the gym later, I normally do a circuit class on a monday but today I felt the need to lift heavy weights. So that was my plan. My day wasn't entirely a blow out cos I bumped into the delightful Chrissy, who looked lovely as always (she is far to good for wotisname). Anyway we had a chat and she sauntered on her way. After giving my pound of flesh to the company I made it to the gym.. There were two guys preening themselves in the mirror before even working out, I left them to it and went off to do a tremendous workout (yes it was so shut up). About ten minutes later these two chaps came in and just started lifting anything and grunting like pigs trying to look macho, they always seemed to be in the way of a female making her change what she was using. Eventually these two dopes ended up on the Smith machine, a good bit of kit if you are weak and useless, but if you are just the nuts like I am you don't need to use it. Anyway one of these guys looks the hippy from Scooby Doo, it takes a real talent to be a white guy with dreadlocks, if you can't you just look trampish and this guy needs to smarten up if he wants to be a tramp. He lay on the bench with his mate as a spotter and started lifting, almost immediately he started screaming, his hair was caught in the machinery. His mate panicked and started yelping. I laughed so hard a bit of pee came out. His mate yelled at me 'stop laughing come and help' my reply was 'bollox, he is your boyfriend, you get him out' he screamed at me 'we aint gay' which made me and the now room full of onlookers laugh harder. Eventually the gym staff got Mr Dreadlocks free and his mate held him like a wounded soldier and took him to the changing rooms, as they left one of the women said 'you hold him like you are gay' and we laughed some more. I finished my workout which would ruin some men half my age and went for a shower, well fuck me these two men were still preening in the mirror, the looked at me and were about to say something but they thought better of it. I decided to shower at home, my shower is better anyway and I left. I have been using gyms for years and I hate to see people not taking it seriously, its no place for mobile phones and you shouldn't work out in jeans and street clothes. I train properly which is why I'm so healthy. If you want to muck about at getting fit use one of the free gyms the councils are putting up in parks, I know too many people who have gym memberships who don't go, its a waste of money. Here is an interesting fact, the average robin lives to be twelve years old. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week, by Ola West. La la la

FAT GOLF

I played golf today. I played golf on Thursday but it was bloody cold and even though I played well I wanted to be better. So I played golf, I was with my bestest and the weather was quite good, it was sunny and mild and and so much better than thursday. Anyway, we turned up and got ready to play. On the first hole, a par three my tee shot reached the edge of the green, a decent chip and an iffy putt followed but a super putt and I was one over. Hole number two and I hit a screamer, it went so far I needed a taxi to get to it. A second decent shot and I was on the green, a par four looked on but being a prick, I muffed it. Anyway I ended up one over. We walked to the third hole and then we saw them. A group of teenagers mucking about playing golf. As always, one or two could play but the other two were proper gimps. Two were dressed properly and the other two were in jeans, yeah, its a shit course. One of the gimpy ones was a fat kid. I don't have a problem with fat kids I just find it funny when they humiliate themselves on a sports field. The snag is, when chubster is holding me up, I get the hump. After golf I was going to have a few beers and a kebab and fat boy was playing extreme zigzag golf. He was bloody rubbish. He looked like the fat one from the Goonies movie. We asked if we could play through but they said no. I was going to smash the flash one over the head with my sand wedge but I was talked out of it. On reflection, it was probably best that I didn't go ape on the four stooges cos it would probably mean (another) night in a police cell this time non neighbour related, and I really am getting fed up with those. So me and my bestie trailed these four bastard bed stains until the ninth hole. Luckily at the ninth hole fat boy and one of the better players wanted a snack and went to the pro shop. So I followed them. Fat boy bought two burgers and a large portion of chips, his mate bought two pizza slices. I offered to buy them if they let me and my bestie play through but the flash one said no. The fat one said I should have turned up earlier and laughed. As we left the shop I held the door open and as they exited, I slammed they door and growled, "listen you pair of %unts, let us play through or I will fecking rape all of you with a nine iron". The fat one caved in straight away the other kid tried to stare me out. I got right up in his face and said, "listen bitch, let us play through or I will let your friends go and just spend the next couple of hours making you eat all the birdshit on the course" He said no again so I bitch slapped him and he cried. I took that as a yes and we played through. My game didn't improve and my bestie wiped the floor with me and my forfeit is to pay the next two times we play. It was a good day, the beer was cold, Arsenal won two nil and I am now waiting for my kebeb, (large mixed with chips hold the salad add lemon juice).Here is an interesting fact, cats have four layers of whiskers. Please buy my E book, A Clean week. la la la diddley dee everyone's gone to the moon. Boris Johnson is fat, Ken Livingston looks like a paedo and David Beckham has misspelt all his tattoes. I am not interested in the new royal baby. A big hello to our friend Richard Bailey.

REST DAY WORKING

Today was supposed to be my day off. the thing about days off is that one day is never enough and the one you have isn't long enough. I have so much to do that I was behind before I woke up. I forgot I had arranged to play squash, I had booked my car in for a service, I needed to get a part replaced on my motorbike, I have two loads of washing to do, I want to go to the market and do some shopping, I need to have a good tidy up around the house, I want to flip my mattress and amongst all that I was hoping for a gym session and to meet a mate for some beer. I put a load in the washing machine and took my car to the garage, I noticed it only has a quarter of a tank so I decided to fill up first. As I queued up to pay for the fuel I'm standing behind a young lad, the cashier looked at the kid and then looked at a wanted poster with several faces on it, he decides that this kid is on there and chases him out the shop and down the road. So that was ten minutes wasted. I drive to the garage and thanks to that fat blubbery bastard Boris Johnson, my area is plagued with roadworks so the journey took three times as long. When I got there the mechanic was out on a call out so I had to wait another twenty minutes. being a clever bastard I didn't have a coat and it was a long two mile freezing walk home. When I got home I had forgotten to switch the washing machine on so that was more time wasted. My mate Richard Bailey who I was going to meet for a drink later rang me and said he couldn't make it because he needed to go and buy new slippers. At last that gave me some time back, he can't hold his drink anyway and it gets embarrassing when he gets tipsy and starts singing Barry Manilow songs. I started dusting and very soon got bored with that so I started hovering instead and got bored with that even sooner. I rang the bike shop and they can't do my bike until the weekend which is a bummer. I emptied the washing machine and hung it out, I put a load of my sons washing in which confusingly has a pair of his girlfriends knickers in (no I didn't have a sniff)' I put the second load in and decided I had done enough so I took some steak out of the freezer for later and went to the gym. I had a massive workout and felt awesome, but my euphoria was short lived because their showers were cold. I went home via the off licence and got home smelly with 8 cans of deliciousness. I had a shower and cracked open a beer. I dumped myself on the sofa and put on a box set of The Shield. By the time I opened my fourth can I knew the rest of my day was not going to be very productive. I wasted some tissue (no not watching the shield) and sent out for a takeaway, the steak will keep until tomorrow. So that's more or less a waste of a day off. Here is an interesting fact, women on the pill blink thirty percent more than women who are not. Please buy my E.book. A clean Week. la la la