FAT GOLF

I played golf today. I played golf on Thursday but it was bloody cold and even though I played well I wanted to be better. So I played golf, I was with my bestest and the weather was quite good, it was sunny and mild and and so much better than thursday. Anyway, we turned up and got ready to play. On the first hole, a par three my tee shot reached the edge of the green, a decent chip and an iffy putt followed but a super putt and I was one over. Hole number two and I hit a screamer, it went so far I needed a taxi to get to it. A second decent shot and I was on the green, a par four looked on but being a prick, I muffed it. Anyway I ended up one over. We walked to the third hole and then we saw them. A group of teenagers mucking about playing golf. As always, one or two could play but the other two were proper gimps. Two were dressed properly and the other two were in jeans, yeah, its a shit course. One of the gimpy ones was a fat kid. I don't have a problem with fat kids I just find it funny when they humiliate themselves on a sports field. The snag is, when chubster is holding me up, I get the hump. After golf I was going to have a few beers and a kebab and fat boy was playing extreme zigzag golf. He was bloody rubbish. He looked like the fat one from the Goonies movie. We asked if we could play through but they said no. I was going to smash the flash one over the head with my sand wedge but I was talked out of it. On reflection, it was probably best that I didn't go ape on the four stooges cos it would probably mean (another) night in a police cell this time non neighbour related, and I really am getting fed up with those. So me and my bestie trailed these four bastard bed stains until the ninth hole. Luckily at the ninth hole fat boy and one of the better players wanted a snack and went to the pro shop. So I followed them. Fat boy bought two burgers and a large portion of chips, his mate bought two pizza slices. I offered to buy them if they let me and my bestie play through but the flash one said no. The fat one said I should have turned up earlier and laughed. As we left the shop I held the door open and as they exited, I slammed they door and growled, "listen you pair of %unts, let us play through or I will fecking rape all of you with a nine iron". The fat one caved in straight away the other kid tried to stare me out. I got right up in his face and said, "listen bitch, let us play through or I will let your friends go and just spend the next couple of hours making you eat all the birdshit on the course" He said no again so I bitch slapped him and he cried. I took that as a yes and we played through. My game didn't improve and my bestie wiped the floor with me and my forfeit is to pay the next two times we play. It was a good day, the beer was cold, Arsenal won two nil and I am now waiting for my kebeb, (large mixed with chips hold the salad add lemon juice).Here is an interesting fact, cats have four layers of whiskers. Please buy my E book, A Clean week. la la la diddley dee everyone's gone to the moon. Boris Johnson is fat, Ken Livingston looks like a paedo and David Beckham has misspelt all his tattoes. I am not interested in the new royal baby. A big hello to our friend Richard Bailey.