THE POPE

The Pope is to resign. Got to be honest, I really don't care. Whatever the reason, be it his health or his age or maybe he is just bored of wearing a dress and meeting poor people. I was obviously a little surprised because Popes don't usually resign, they are usually pushed around in a trolley being made to do all the stuff that Popes do until the last bit of dribble has left their lips. Do you remember the last Pope? They carted him all over the globe with dribble and snot leaking from his face and probably a full incontinance pad under his skirt until he finally stopped breathing. At least the current Pope has given his notice, now the sensible thing to do would be to appoint a new Pope so that one can leave on friday and the other start on the monday. This current Pope is 85, in any job its a bit much to ask someone to do a full shift. And what with his advanced age it must have been extremely difficult chasing and catching alter boys. Anyway, he has done the right thing in my opinion, let someone younger fly around the world meeting strangers and racking up airmiles. Let this current Pope retire to a nice rest home with a few hand picked choir boys to keep him happy until he pops off to the big church in the sky. I say we should get someone way younger, someone like the Fonz. Can you imagine how cool that would be? And it would certainly boost the church's image. I don't understand why a lot of people were crying at the news, maybe they are just sad people who were crying just to be on telly. Anyway I am available to take up the job if they want me but I still say a Fonz like character is the way forward. Whatever happens, what are the odds of than dim wit Beckham sticking his unwanted opinion in the media. His new advert for his brand of pants was just that, pants. He used a front double, a bum double, someone else dived into the pool and did the swimming he just stood there with his misspelt tattoos looking gormless. please buy my E book, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, the bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps. La la la.

GREAT MANAGEMENT

They are some people who are born great, some people achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them. I don't know who 'they' are but sometimes they talk a load of cobblers. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies toilet and he turned out to be great (he was also a fat bald alcoholic with a paranoid hatred of foreigners) but he still turned to be great. I just wonder where they got that bunch of clowns I work for. Working where I work is like working for a bunch of Homer Simpsons with Inspector Cleauseau as the man in charge of team building and inspiration. Two people can make the same mistake and be treated with completely differently and yet two people can make the same mistake and have the same manager and still be treated completely differently. It would cause Stephen Hawkin to quit and retire he if he was asked to explain how my company works. I concur that every company has shirkers, malingerers and just down right stroke pulling lazy idle bastards but at my firm these are the ones that get rewarded. Where I work, you are seen as stupid if you turn up on time every day, do a days work and go home. Where I work, there are stoke pullers who blatantly take the piss on a daily basis and laugh at management and yet management (and I use that word loosely) just don't seem to have any idea what to do. Genuine problems are seen as a reason to hassle and chase you and tell you that your job is at risk yet if you ring up and say you can't come in because Santa is stuck in your chimney they seem to believe you. We have one guy who has worked, ha I mean he has been taking money under false pretences for nearly a decade and yet for half that time he has just swanned around pretending to be ill yet when one person had a road accident and needed surgery, they wanted the operation video taped as proof. One guy said he was in constant pain yet passed a medical for a new job. Luckily he was/is a bit of a dullard so he is no loss but you get the picture. Yes, I have pulled the odd stroke but like every normal person its a rare occasion when Arsenal are on telly or there is free booze. I'm not jealous of these lazy bone idle dirt munching toerags I just wish our management would do something about it. Its not the company they are hurting its the poor schmucks who have to pick up the slack. I honestly see one of these idle shits being found beaten to a pulp in the locker room. In an ideal world someone with some real power and sense will stand up in the boardroom and dispose of the collective clown college we call management. I'm sorry for ranting but today something happened to someone I care about and I saw the spud who did it standing in an over coat that is clearly at least two sizes too small grinning like a retard at his reflection in a glass door. He was waiting for 'the other guy' to let him in. We are being run by jellyheads who have never worked on our frontline. Somebody asked me today where's this book you keep promising about this job. The problem I have is that everyday there is a new crazier chapter to add on. Please buy my e-book A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, all mammals have jaws but only humans have chins. La la la diddley see.

EGG SANDWICHES

Today im coastal. It was cold and frosty last night and this morning I had to demist my car windows, ( its a posh car and didnt take long but thats not the point ). There seems to be an awful lot of coastal munters wearing flip flops and long cut down shorts. Im very well wrapped up and im still cold and yet these dillybuds are swanning around like its positively mild. Anyway , I was standing the sandwich kiosk waiting for some toast and a cup of tea, ( they use cheap tea bags here but its the only place open ) and some bloke just walked to me and asked me what I like to have with my egg sandwiches. I lloked at him a bit bemused and he said that he is trying to get fit and wants to eat healthy food. I told him bacon with eggs are quite nice and he called me a liar. I replied by telling him to go away ( not that nicely) and he said that I looked like someone who went to the gym so probably didnt eat bacon because it was fried. I told him you can grill bacon and have scrambled eggs but he said he didnt believe me when I said I ate bacon. I asked him if I looked like a muslim or something like that and he said ' whats a muslim supposed to look like? ' which is a fair question so again I said' look mate I aint from around here so eat what you like but leave me alone you nutjob' he replied ' I suppose you want the gym to yourself you selfish bastard' I looked at him and said ' go away you mental retard you need to find a rubber room and lock yourself in ' just then my toast and tea arrived and I showed it to him and said ' look, no eggs or bacon' he gasped and said 'are eggs and bacon bad to eat should I just have toast? I laughed and said ' Yes you dingus, buy lots of bread and eat lots of toast, nothing but toast, just be be sure dont even have butter, just dry toast, all day every day' . He ordered some toast and I walked away laughing. I hate being coastal. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, Armadilloes can walk under water. La la la.

WORKMEN IN SHORTS

Why are most workmen complete muppets? Why do they feel the need to walk around in shorts with some sort of utility belt slung around their waist and a pencil behind one ear? Scaffolders are the worst. They drive around four to a lorry and whistling at women and laughing at puerile jokes. I never understood the phrase 'show us yer tits' because even if a woman wanted to, by the time she had disrobed, the lorry with its collection of idiots is way down the road so they miss the boob show. And why do scaffold lorries block the road outside the cafe? These inconsiderate morons just do care about any other road user. But its not just scaffolders who live like brain dead zombies. Most tradesmen think that wearing shorts and tan work boots makes them look macho. Its a look that is becoming more and more common on our streets. Window cleaners, delivery men even cab drivers have adopted this pikey redneck look and its not good. Its even worse if the guy is a bit fat and has a stupid tattoo covering most of one leg. I recently had workmen doing some home improvements at my house and I have to say never a motley looking group of silly stupid daft men had got together to attempt a days work. They turned up late after going to the cafe first. They had the regulation newspapers for morons, The Sun and The Daily Sport, each had a tape measure and a chewed pencil, khaki shorts and tan coloured boots. They tried to impress me with their talk about pipes and gauges and how everything was 150ml these days and how cheap imported labour was 'ruining the game'. Personally from the moment they knocked on the door I stopped listening. I said the the pencil in charge 'look mate, I aint interested in any of your sexist or racist or pretend macho crap, You can have a cup of coffee then I want you to crack on. I expect you do what I'm paying you for and I won't be paying if I aint happy. If you need to fuck off to B and Q to pick something up I don't expect all four of you to go and I don't want to hear any excuses' This stunned them but it had the desired effect. They worked fairly hard and did the job. They didn't tidy up too well but I can live with that. As they packed their stuff away I was again drawn to their attire. Bearing in mind we are in the throes of winter I wondered why they chose shorts instead of long trousers. They wear shorts but thick jumpers and hats. It boggles the mind. Anyway, I think workmen rate themselves too highly and I'm not surprised cheap labour is on the rise. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact , in the 1600s thermometers were filled with brandy instead of mercury. La la la

DRYATHON 2013

Up yours Dryathon, kiss my arse Dryanuary. You gave me a challenge and I took it. I took your challenge and I kicked its arse. I went through the whole month without a single drop of the good stuff. Yes for all you tree hugging sandal wearing lentil eating carrot crunching beardy weirdies I feel better, yes I lost weight, although not as much as I hoped, yes I slept better and apparently I will live a little longer. But fuck you. There were times when I wanted to punch someone and there were times I needed punching. I clucked for a drink on so many occasions I asked myself if the smug superior pious feeling I had mid morning was worth the grumpy snappy angry dry throaty wish I was dead feeling that watching a football match sober cos I'm trying to be good was worth the hassle. I like drinking. I really like drinking. I like being sober and smug and seeing my mates being pissed and having fun and laughing their heads off at mundane shit made me question my goal and to be honest I'm still none the wiser. Some silly prick said I should treat it like a time machine to good health. Well what a shitty time machine that was. I got in on Jan one and didn't drink at all and it took thirty one days to take a thirty one day journey to sobriety. Well I have news for you, I had two wonderful cans of my favourite lady (Stella) and it felt good, oh so good. Yes like I said I lost weight and yes I trained a bit harder and longer than I did in December. However, I look better feel better and my sex life is better (I wank more) but what a bastard long month January 2013 was. The end result physically and mentally was worth it it but the stress and pressure physically and mentally was equally strenuous. I watched football matches sober and I watched movies sober and they were hard work. Alcohol is like a lover. When you're getting it, its lovely and wrong and oh so delicious. But when you aint its a dirty bitch and you hope it falls over and hurts itself. Anyway, I took the challenge and I won. I won, I didn't drink for the whole of the month and I even had beer and wine in the fridge. They are probably being drunk as you read this but I kicked Dryathlons arse. Yes I did and I have witnesses. Please by my E book, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, Peru has more pyramids than Egypt. La la la . Dryathlon/Dryanuary, I took the challenge and I won.

TRADESMEN

Tradesmen, Who do they think they are? If you are paying for a service, shouldn't you be the one dictating the rules? I like my house, no actually, I love my house, I aint over joyed at the area it in but when I shut my door, its my castle and I'm the king. I have to have some work done on my house and I have had to call in some workmen whose do these types of hands on get dirty jobs. I don't do these kinds of jobs because even though you may find this hard to believe, I am actually quite useless at walking around with a pencil behind my ear and my arse hanging out of my tracksuit bottoms. Anyway these guys were supposed to be here at 8 o'clock yesterday and turned up nearer 11. The excuse they gave me was that they were held up on another job. I asked the the man with the biggest pencil what job could he possibly have been doing to get held up on when he should have been at my house at 8am and guess what? The fat arsed idiot didn't have an answer. Anyway they spent most of their time getting prepared to start work and I must admit they looked like they knew what they were doing. Oh silly me, silly silly me, no sooner had they prepped everything and moved stuff out the way and drilled holes ready to be filled and cover most services with dust and scratched their heads and arses collectively, fat arse number two decided he needed a bigger better more noisier gadget to do something even more spectacular to impress me that they all needed to fuck off to B and Q and get one each and have lunch on the way back. This little jaunt took the best part of two hours and when they came back having had what must have been the biggest lunch ever going by the amount of tomato sauce spilt down their shirts they were too fucked to do any work. So after some more drilling and lots of swearing and lots of them saying to each other 'have you got a 7 ml this or an 8 ml that, or come and hold this for me, or shine your torch over here a minute' not much progress was being made. Shortly after what seemed like ages their working day was up. They said they could tidy up a bit but would it be alright to leave their gear where it was so they could get an early start today. I agreed but I took the big pencil guy to one side and told him that him and his guys need to be here bang on 8 o clock or I won't be happy, I told him if he was late I would throw his stuff in the street and get a different crew in to finish the work. He assured me that they would be here on time and do a bang up job. Well whack me with a stick covered in shit cos at 8 o'clock they were here and stormed into work. I was so gobsmacked I forgot to have a tissue moment. Anyway they buzzed around banging drilling swearing stopping to make phone calls and drunk most of my coffee and now they have started rubbing their stomachs talking about bacon sandwiches and The Daily Sport newspaper. It seems that in a tradesmens life, lunch gets earlier and longer every day. The cost of the job has stayed the same but they might need an extra day maybe two. I suggested less lunch hours and working past two in the afternoon but the guy looked at me like I had just asked for a blow job in front of his mates. It looks like my castle is going to be a noisy mess for a few days but hopefully it will look even nicer when its finished. It would have been a great opportunity to finish my writing but the guy with the third biggest arse switched the power off to play around with my power shower. Anyway I will keep you posted on how things go, I am doing well on my dryathon, only a couple more days to go. Please buy my Ebook, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact. The Titanic cost $7 million dollars to build and they spent $200 million making a film about it. La la la diddley dee.

WHY OH WHY

Why oh why did I decide to try and go through January alcohol free? Today I have six days left and I am doing my utmost to resist and if I say so myself I am doing extremely well because I have not touched a drop. I have trained extremely hard as well this month. I have trained so far on average better then every other day this month. On one day, I went to the gym in the morning, then I played golf then in the evening I had a spin class, so that was a good health day. But I digress, can I say again that so far this month I have not had a single drop of alcohol and I feel awesome. I feel better inside, I'm sleeping very well, I have much more energy, my skin is softer and less wrinkled, my taste buds are tingling again and my mental acuity is bang on. Having said that I'm walking around like an angry bear with nappy rash, I'm growling and snapping at everyone, nothing makes me chuckle and I'm clucking for a drink. Six long bloody days to go and I assure you on that sixth day do not stand between me and my fridge because I will trample you to death to get my hands on the beer currently sitting on the door shelf waiting for their inevitable demise. So what else has been happening on my sober journey. Well now that I'm going to work sober, I don't seem to enjoy the job as much. Those coastal munters are even more horrendous to look at and twice as unbearable to be around. The weather has been abysmal. Who the feck likes snow? I hate snow, always have always will. I don't even buy Christmas cards with snow on. It never ceases to amaze me when I watch the news and see people who are bonkersmental going out in extreme snow conditions and getting so stuck they have to call out the emergency services. These morons should sign waivers saying that they do these daft dangerous things in full awareness that rescuers will not be sent to get them out of any difficulty they may get into. I see the ginger prince is in trouble for saying killing the enemy is like playing video games. If what he said was so offensive, why was it aired on tv? What about the video of the soldier being beheaded by the Taliban, wasn't that? The telly is full of adverts for holidays, am I the only one who finds those adverts dumb and boring? The telly has been awash with rehashed programmes and I think this years biggest turkey is the new Yes Prime Minister. Many years ago when the milk snatcher was Prime Minister the show was fairly amusing, the new version is so bad words fail me to describe how fucking awful it is, oh hang on, there we go, the new show is fucking awful. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am still here and will be back to full ranting in just over a week but some things never change, there are some people who I still dislike immensely, (Jay Brook, Ken Livingston, Boris Johnson, Nick Clegg and Russell Brand, the Beckhams are still irritating on a global level and the French are still being French). You will be pleased to know my next two books are close to completion, so please buy my E book, A Clean Week. Here are two interesting facts. 1. pumice is the only rock that floats and 2. if you count one second at a time it will take eleven and a half days to reach one million. la la la diddley dee.

COMMUNAL DUMPS

I was coastal today. The weather as usual was grim. Christmas is as far as I am concerned well and truly over so why are those coastal cretins still displaying tinsel and why are the cheap crackers still on the table. Anyway, there I was minding my own business trying not to show fear and all I could hear from behind my newspaper was some jelly head trying out the ring tones on his new phone. Don't get me wrong, we have all done it, we get a new better phone and we like to play around with it and boast about how cool it is and go through every ring tone until we find the one we like or the one that will be most annoying to others. After about ten minutes of listening to this moron telling his fellow morons how he can use this new fangled contraption to talk to other people who are in a different room, I decided I needed to have a Forest. I went to the loo but being the shy retiring type. I can't pooh if someone is in the cubicle next to me so I had to wait. Five minutes later I tried again and just my luck, there were other people using the stalls. I kept going in and out for ages until after about twenty minutes I could wait no longer as it felt like I had Mount Vesuvius about to fall from my rear end (arse). Only one stall was being used so I went into one at the other end. No sooner had I sat down when I heard "Hello". I was a bit shocked and kept quiet. Then I heard "Hello, say something" so I said "Er hello". the voice then said, "Wow this phone is great its like we are in the same room" . Well that was it, damn these coastal hillbillies, I finished what I was doing and was washing my hands when the moron with the phone emerged from his stall, he flushed and walked straight out. I found him in the crew room handing his phone to people who were pretending to use the phone by putting to their ears. He looked at me and said, "do you want to try it?" I replied "No thanks, I think its disgusting to use a phone whilst having a shit and you didn't wash your hands". Just then there was a crash and a wallop as the person who was holding the phone dropped it and looked at the moron and called him a filthy fecking dirtbag. Moron almost cried as he picked up the remnants of his phone and muttered something about taking out a grievance. Please don't use a phone whilst having a dump, its not a nice thing to do although a few years ago I did see someone take a cup of tea in with them, uurgh. Please by my E book, A Clean Week, by Ola West. Here is an interesting fact, fingernails grow four times faster than toe nails. la la la