Just ME

I am home alone. The weather is awful, its raining heavily outside and tomorrow looks no better. However, today I had a really cushty duty, and I finished early. I went and had some horizontal dancing and it was just superb. I went home and tne house was clean tidy and empty so I had a tissue moment and I have to say I feel very relaxed. I am cooking myself a really nice meal, I can hear the rain beating against my double glazing and I'm glad I'm indoors. I have a lovely movie to watch and beer in the fridge, sometimes, just sometimes , its nice to be alone. I have had a good day, I feel happy and sated and I'm gonna eat a delicious meal, its delicious cos I cooked it, and then I may have a shower before reading a good book in bed. I am working tomorrow and I aint best pleased about that, but today was about me, just me, la la la

WHERE TO GO

So now that christmas is over and all those momotonous adverts for sales will soon be stopping, we can look forward to loads of monotonous adverts for holidays. I dont know where im gonna go this year, I wont know until I return all the presents I dont want and then I will know how much money I can spend. Where ever I go it wont be anywhere advertised by that smug twat jamie redknapp and it wont be anywhere a pikie like wayne rooney would go to. I need a beach and a decent hotel plus damn good weather, anything else will just be a bonus. I want to spend two weeks in my mankini, sipping pina coladas watching the honeys walk by with their fit bodies wearing almost nothing. I will just be lying there like a beached walrus with my hand down my pants having naughty thoughts. I cant wait

NORMALITY

Have you ever seen one of those films where a small town in the middle on nowhere America is under attack from zombies or a plague virus and the army cordon off the town until the resolve the situation. And when its all over the town folk come out of their homes and rub their eyes as they look up at the sun. Well it was bit like that in the supermarket today. Three days ago in the very same shop it was bloody chaos with people panic buying stuff they dont need and running around seeing what other shoppers are buying. Yet today it like peace on earth, people strolling around, serene music being played overhead and even the till staff were smiling. I can believe the transformation and yet I dont understand what turned supposedly sane people into raving loonies. Everytime there is a bank holiday the country goes mad. Its as if a bad event is coming and we have to lock ourselves in our homes until its over. I could understand if this was the USA. They are all paranoid guntoting worry freaks who trust no one and who are despised by the rest of the world.they Americans are like the French only fatter. I am writing this in the hope that sanity prevails for new years eve and can I just ask all of you to get a fecking grip, its only one day and the shops are still open. Having said that, its probably best not to stand in front of me when the sales are on cos I can be as mad as the very maddest and I do love a bargain and I have no patience and hate queueing, be warned

BLOODY FORECASTERS

Im , cold, those bastard weather people got it wrong again. They said it would be mild and it damn well aint.its my fault for believing them so I shall slap myself later and drink one beer less. When im mayor all forecasters will be treated like them idiots they are and be made to wear cones on their heads. Those bastard weather people, im so cold, maybe I should shut the window. La la la

ITS BETTER TO GET THAN RECEIVE

Who ever first said that is an idiot. Christmas is almost here and I still have one or two things to buy. I have ordered my turkey and duck for the main meal and I have everything else, but lets talk about prezzies. I hate having to think about who is going to get me something and should I get them something in return. I went the pound shop and came out twenty five quid worse off. I know some people who will get prezzies from me and I know people who won't. Receiving gifts is great, but what if someone buys you a large expensive bottle of stinky stuff and you only got them a scarf, is that still equal? No is it fuck and you know next year you will buy them something better and now they know you are a tightwad they will get you socks. I like prezzies, I like them for about ten minutes then I want more. I'm greedy and i'm lazy. I cant be arsed writing lists and going from shop to shop. Thats why i'm a last minute man. I need to know who got me something then they will get in return, Shallow? Yes, and practical. My philosophy is if you get ten prezzies then you give ten prezzies. If you get nine but give ten, then next year becomes awkward because if you buy for the person who didnt get you something, they might not get you anything next year, then what do you do? It's a nightmare, but everyone likes jokey socks and a torch. Guess what i'm getting you this year. La la la . All I want is your vote for Mayor.

MANS BEST FRIEND

I'm in a coastal crew room and I dont like it here, its like the waiting room of the local looney bin. Everyone has something wrong with them and they are staring at a telly that aint even on. There are two men discussing the best way to wash a pet dog, thats right I said how to wash a pet dog. The fat one who has a beard that makes him look like he is trying to eat a ginger cat just said that he turned his bathroom into a wet room and takes his dog in with him when he has a shower, the other moron replied he puts his in the bath after he has had his to save water and then said out loud 'I leave his penis til last cos if I wash it first the dog gets sexually aroused'. Thats what he said and no one batted an eyelid. I'm trying not to be conspicuos cos they dont like London folk, and one or two of them are staring at me like i'm their favourite meal. Its very cold here and I have seen way too many ugly jumpers, they wear anything down here with no shame, I have seen better dressed refugees on telly (not this telly cos it aint on). At times like this I wish my break was shorter.

NOT ONE SMILE

I am coastal today. I was coastal yesterday too. Through no fault of mine, both days the trains were late and I didnt expect many people to be happy , but bloody hell, down here it was like everyone had left their happy good looking smiling heads at home and brought their cold weather miserable runny nose grumpy faces. Even in the cafe where I bought a sandwhich for £2.70 and put the change in the tip jar, the grumpy old skeleton didnt even say thank you. I cant wait to get back to the big city cos people with webbed fingers creep me out and there is no electricity down here. They all look related down here, its worse than watching an old chinese subtitled movie.

multi tasking man style

I got my new phone yesterday. I was out for most of the day and never got a chance to play with it. As everyone knows, one of lifes little pleasures is having a new phone and learning how to use it. We are never sure if its an apt replacement for our old phone or whether our peers will be suitably jealous that our new phone is more gooder than theirs. I dont really care. I like my new phone the problem I have is that its Sunday. I have been to the gym, and now my lovely noisy mess making grandkids are about to descend and wreak havoc on my home, they will be expecting my usual high standards of culinary expertise and on top of that there is footie on the box. I have a fridge full of beer and lots of stuff I have taped that needs watching and I could really use a tissue moment. But having heard how women are so much better at doing more than one thing at a time better than us men (yes I am sometimes manly) I fully expect to overcome all these obstacles better than a woman. I aint worked out a game plan but I have had my tissue moment and I have started on the beer so I am well on the way, I will start dinner and just see what happens. Being me, you just know its gonna be the nuts. La la la

DRESS SENSE

I went shopping today. I wasnt in the mood because I had a rough night with my bastard neighbours. Anyway, i had to go today because I just know next week it will be pandemonium in the shops. I find it strange how people buy way too much stuff, they buy things they dont need and buy stuff they wont use. one woman I was watching, bought a hand powered torch in case her proper torch had flat batteries.Christmas is a nice time of the year and we should all be happy. Happy yes, stupid no. I saw two women wearing onesies, fucking onesies, good grief has good taste disappeared. I really bloody hate seeing people wearing pyjamas in the street. I really hate seeing grown men wearing shorts. Its freezing cold and pasty skinned people are still wearing summer clothes. I saw one tidy looking woman who I admit was quite tasty freezing her nipples off at a bus stop in shorts and a halter top. she was shivering and her skin was blue. In case you didnt know I was out doing my christmas shopping and was a bit miffed that the pound shop was busy and all the best things were out of stock. I will try the 99 pence shop but I dont think I will get the things I want. anyway, im just letting you know that if you are on my list to receive a prezzie, just remember, its the thought that counts. It might be a pound shop prezzie but it will come in a nice plastic bag. if you matter, santa will bring yours soon.

CHALLENGE ? DONT THINK SO

I went to the gym today. I like training on a sunday, it helps me enjoy my delicious sunday roast and helps the wine go down nicely. After training, I queued up to book a a combat class and heard some silly woman who was with her friend on the phone, the conversation went like this, she said, "no, I'm busy that night, no I'm busy that night too, no this weekend I have a party to go to, why don't I call you during next week and let you know when I'm free?" Then she hung up and laughed and her mate laughed too. She then said to her mate, "he is really nice, has a good job, a lovely car, but men love a challenge", and then they both started giggling. I booked my class and then said to this woman, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help but hear your phone conversation, and I was wondering where you got your information from. I'm a man (when my wife lets me) and most of my male friends are men, and even some women I know are men, but I have never heard any one of them say "mmmm, I really like sex, I just wish it was harder to get". She looked a bit flabbergasted so I said, "If he is so nice, and has a nice job and a nice car and is really into you, don't you think that making him wait will push him towards some one else who likes him too? this silly woman looked angry and replied " No, I'm worth waiting for" and I pointed at her friend and said "Yeah but if your mate put out before you, he would be asking her out so you might want to re-think your strategy, cos it sounds a bit lame love," her mate blushed and said " I wouldn't do that to a friend" and I said " I bet you would" and then I walked away. I left the two of them arguing in the foyer. On a better note, my sunday dinner was deelishus and the wine was even better, you ain't me, but I know you wish you were.

WHERES MY RAIN

It took me nearly an hour to get home today. Thats right, I said nearly an hour. I usually ride my super lovely motorbike and the trip is only about 20 minutes, but like an idiot I listened to those useless, gormless weather forecasters on the BBC and yesterday they said today would be a washout. Its my fault for trusting them. The night before last they said it was going to be very cold yesterday so I wore my thermals under my bike gear and as usual the soppy donuts got it wrong. I ended up sweating like a kiddie fiddler at a childrens party. It did rain a little bit today. I was coastal this morning and it drizzled for a few minutes mid morning. People moan about footballers earning too much, and when I say people I mean me, but right now, after taking nearly an hour to get home I think those incompetent morons who give us the weather are stealing money by accepting their salaries. Dont get me wrong, I love my car, its a nice car and some mornings after a shower and a PW (ask me later) its nice to just jump in the car, turn on the heated seats and smooth my way to work. However, coming home is a different matter and I much prefer my bike, so I can rush home and have another PW (I will explain later). Much to my chagrin, the news headlines were not about the disengenuous way the weather is reported, nor was it about Spurs and Man Utd losing, all the furore was about that tosser of a dinosaur Jeremy dickhead blabbermouth Clarkson. He made a comment about shooting striking protesters. He said "Shoot striking protesters". He actually said this whilst holding a copy of his new book which comes out in time for all you Sun readers to buy for christmas. He only ever gets asked to be on telly when he has a book or a dvd coming out and he has never failed to say something stupid or offensive in order to promote sales. Maybe I should go on telly naked and shout fukkedityfukfuk to promote my books, but I hope my books will be bought by people who can read without moving their lips so maybe I won't. Anyway, I am still miffed that it took me nearly an hour to get home and I cant decide whether to give those forecasters one last chance. If I do, and they get it wrong again, I may have to tie them all up, lock them in a room, and pay someone to read out loud, all of Clarksons books over and over again. How cruel would that be. Oh and finally, a PW is ........