DONT PANIC

Dont panic. There is plenty of fuel. There is no need to dash out and fill you car or bike or van and six jerry cans and your wifes handbag just in case petrol runs out. It wont run out and there is plenty to go around. Well maybe not if you live out in the countryside and the next village with a garage is twenty miles on horseback. There is plenty of garages and plenty of fuel in London. Its like Christmas time when all the simple minded people panic because some shops close on Christmas day and dont open til Boxing day so they rush out and stock up on bread milk and eggs. There is absolutely no need. This government like most governments before them are totally inept and have sent out the wrong messages. Those fat lazy tanker drivers are just moaning because they smell of diesel and want more money for blocking our roads. The idea of being a lorry driver is great when chugging up and down a motorway, but when you have to get a bastard big lorry down a country lane its a different matter. I find it strangely coincidental that this problem comes so soon after some bus drivers won the lottery. Jealousy, maybe?? One cry baby tanker driver called a radio station and whinged that he got sworn at ever day at work. Well boo fucking hoo. I know loads of jobs where people get sworn at whilst doing their jobs. What this sponge brained whinger failed to mention is that he usually got yelled at when he followed his pratnav down a country lane unfit for a large lorry or got stuck doing a U turn in a small village. Tankers drivers get about £45k doing their job. Its only an HGV licence and a three day HazChem course and any wally with a driving licence can get a job blocking our our roads. Hang on, some of of you are saying, ' I earn half of that in retail and I have a driving licence '. Well my advice to those earning crap money is take a week off from your current job, go get your HGV and HazChem licences and be a tanker driver, I have a feeling that there may be some vacancies if these moaning idiots dont wake up and smell the diesel. At the end of the day all they are , are lorry drivers, fuck Eddy Stobart and his green trucks, driving a lorry may be hard for the first couple of miles but after that its not really difficult. The hardest part is not getting fat from sitting down all day. Dont panic people. There is plenty of fuel. I hate this government, I didnt vote for them and im not sticking up for them but too many stupid people get in to a panic far too easily. Stop being French and calm down.

OLYMPIC DISASTERS

I'm down the coast again, I don't feel safe amongst all these interelated people. I'm in the crew room and this saddo is showing pictures of his caravan holiday he had just outside Brighton. Him and his wife spent 8, yes EIGHT days on a site with just five other caravanners. He claims the peace was wonderful and it's a good site because there is no bar. Which meant no drunken revellers waking him up. How the hell can it be a good site if there is no bar? Anyway I want to go on record saying I really dislike the olympic kits, I think there unstylish, very bland and quite horrible to look at. It will probably be the reason we use if the medal total is poor. I don't like the olympic logo with a vengeance and I know I'm not alone as there was a public outcry at the time. I can't believe that after so many people complained they still kept that monstrosity. It looks like Lisa Simpson giving someone oral sex (I was going to say a blow job but I didn't want to be rude). I am completely not interested in the olympics but I hope it goes well and Team GB (stupid name, just to please the welsh and the irish who aint doing too well on their own) win loads of medals, but I don't see it panning out too well and I will put money on that the people behind the team blame the kits. I said it before and I'm saying it again the kits and the logo are ugly. Very ugly. So is Ed Miliband.

HE ASKED, SO I TOLD HIM

I am writing this from a coastal crew room. I don't like it here its like being in a room full of Baldricks. I was sitting having my coffee, reading the paper and this big fat man came and stood by me. I didn't look up because its like the nutter on the bus, if you acknowledge them, you can't get rid of them. Anyway, after about ten seconds this guy tapped me on the shoulder and said hello. I put down the paper and looked at him. He looked like the fat one from Laurel and Hardy. I said hello to him and he then asked 'Do you go to a gym?' I replied 'Yes, yes I do'. He then said 'I just joined a gym, I fucking hate gyms, I always have' the voice in my head said 'don't ask, don't ask, don't ask' but my mouth opened and I heard myself saying 'If you hate gyms why join one?' He replied, 'My doctor said I'm fat' I looked him up and down and said, 'You needed a doctor to tell you you're fat?' He kept talking and said, I am morbidly obese, I have very high blood pressure and my cholesterol is dangerously of the scale' I replied 'Well going to a gym should help' He said again 'I fucking hate gyms, I need your advice, whats the best way not to go?' I said 'Just don't go' His face lit up and he asked, 'If I don't go and don't tell my doctor, do you think he will find out?' I said 'Yes I guarrantee he will find out' the fat guy said 'How, if I don't tell him?' I said, 'I assume your doctor is not as dumb as some of his patients, and when he sees that you are still a fat obese person who still has high blood pressure and dangerous cholestorol levels I think he will work it out for himself' Fatty then blubbed 'I'm wasting 40 quid a month on that gym' I said 'Cancel the membership and spend it on something else' He paused and asked 'What shall I buy?' I said to him 'If I was you I would buy a big coffin, you're gonna need one'. He said 'Thats not very nice' I said 'I'm sorry, ok if you don't want to go to a gym why don't you try walking to and from work' This fat mess said 'Why would I walk when I have a car?' Well that was it I lost my rag and said, 'Listen you dumb fat wally, go to the gym or don't go to the gym if you don't go you could die, either way I don't care, do me a favour and feck off and find a chip shop but just leave me alone, I'm on my break and I don't want to spend it being surrounded by you.' He swore and waddled off. When my break was nearly over I packed up my stuff and went to leave. I could see the fat bloke staring at me so I stopped by the snack machine and bought some crisps. I put the change in my pocket and shook the bag of crisps at him. I'm not 100% sure but as the door closed behind me I swear I could hear him sobbing.

ROYAL GINGER

Sorry I have been a bit quiet these last two days but I have been busy laughing my head off. Front page news in the Daily Mirror was Prince Harry whinging that being a Royal prince is stopping him from finding love. I'm sorry Harry, its not because you are a prince that puts women off, its because you're ginger. Having ginger hair is the modern day equivalent of leprosy. Your mum did you no favours when she shagged that soldier. Don't blame not having a girlfriend on being a prince. Your (half) brother is bald and big nosed but he managed to find a nice piece of totty. Its a terrible affliction being ginger and there is no cure. There are two gingernuts where I work and they too suffer from being womanless. One of them is in his forties and collects model trains and still lives with his parents, he thinks that is why people take the piss out of him. I keep telling him people think he is a loser because he has ginger hair, and obviously also because he collects model trains and lives with parents. The other one, I won't mention his real name so lets call him Malcolm, is a scruffy boring git with a mad dollop of ginger hair. He tries all sorts of web sites to meet women and tells all the usual lies, "my name is Malcolm, I'm tall good looking, I have a nice job, a nice car I speak several languages and have a big willy" but as soon as they see his mop of hair they disappear faster than a refugee with a lumcheon voucher. So Harry old pal I think your bet is to jump in your helicopter, nip up to Scotland where there are quite a few redheads, kidnap one bring her back to London, teach it to speak English and hope it falls in love with your money and palace. If you find a Scottish woman who fits the bill don't forget to tell her you are very rich and she won't have to work because as you know the Scots are a work shy bunch. Every holiday I have ever been on I bump into a kock on social security saying how great Scotland is. If its that good why are they thousands of miles away from it? The only reason the Scottish buy televisions is to look at better places to live. So Harry please don't blame being royal on you not having a girlfriend. Your dad, no not him I mean Charles pulled your mum, your uncle Andy does alright when it comes to shagging so just face the fact, you are ginger, its a disease. Actually why not ring work and go sick with gingervitus. Malcolm said to me once "you are bald" I replied " yeah but I get laid way more than you do" I heard that the blow up doll committed suicide rather than be with him. Don't give up Harry, buy a big hat and don't take it off. La la la

HOSE PIPE BAN

How the hell can we be having a hose pipe ban? Surely a few days of dry weather isn't enough to send our water companies into a panic. We had hardly any summer last year and we have just had a ton of snow land on us and now they want to enforce restrictions on us. Here's an idea, fix the fecking pipes and sewers and keep hold of the water you already have and not try to restrict the water we want to use in the future. Near where I live there are at least 4 burst pipes spewing water and I'm sure this is endemic across the country. If we get these bans imposed on us will our bills come down? How do they tell who is using what in a block of flats and before you all shout 'water meters' you know and I know not all tower blocks have them. I remember a few years ago a fairly clever guy rigged up a system where used his dirty bath water on his garden. What he didn't know was that Maidstone council had hired a spotter plane to fly about seeking out lush gardens. The council penpusher, jobsworth knocked on his door and there he was with wife usind a stirrup pump using dirty bath water for his lawn. The council spud pointed out that tecnically he was still using a hosepie albeit in a clever way. They took him to court and the judge who was about 98 years old fined him £2000 which was bollox, but reduced to £1000 on appeal which was still a bit bollox. Instead of spending a fortune on a chinless wonder to fly around spying, why not provide leaflets to everyone showing us clever ways to use dirty water wisely. I thought the stirrup pump idea was great, so did the judge, but if I recall he was hanging on to his job by a slim grey whisker and did what he was told. I heard a rumour that several of the clever guys friends made annymous phonecalls to the council and just let the tap run for a few minutes then hung up. Bumbling Boris said we shouldn't panic as any hosepipe ban won't affect the olympics. One rule for them another crappy rule for us . Same as always. You know who to vote for, my appeal is in, send your vote to City Hall, we still have time, la la la

IM BACK

Hello everyone, sorry I haven't blogged for a while but I went away for a few days I am back now so everyone can take a deep sigh of relief. Also my equipment was on the fritz yesterday so I had trouble gettiing the word out. I was coastal yesterday, I took part in a team brief bonding session, BIG YAWN. They asked us if we liked our jobs and if we were looking forward to the Olympics. They got all indignant when the response was a bit flat. It was nice to see Mr Williams looking his usual cheerful self but can I just say, IT WAS YOUR DAY OFF, why the hell would you want to hang around the depot when the sun was shining?. Still coastal people are a weird mob. Now, lets get to the news. Some Yanker lost the plot and went on a killing spree and killed a bunch of people. Its tragic and the consequences can be dire, lets hope not. However the silly nutcase obviously didn't read The Maniacal Gunmans Handbook cos this bsaket case didn't save the last bullet for himself. No what this dope did was hand himself back in and claim to have a nervous breakdown. As much as I want think he did have a breakdown its not the done thing to go on a murderous rampage say sorry and think things will be ok. The locals are up in arms screaming bloody murder parden the pun and quite rightly so, although they were strangely muted when 6 brave soldiers were blown to bits by a massive roadside bomb. Personally I think its not a war that can be won and all we are doing is spunking money and losing lives all round. Its not good and I don't yet have the answer. When I do I will tell those who need to know. Now to the important matter of the day. Push bike helmets. Some soppy stupid berk fell of his bike and bashed his head and now he can't move from the neck down. Guess what? Its not his fault. He wants to blame the government for not making helmets mandatory. Listen up folks, this bloody government and all those before them tell us what to do and its not always for our own good. I cycle frequently and sometimes I wear a lid and sometimes I don't. If any government made it compulsory I would sell my bike and never ride again. If you are too stupid to balance on two wheels don't ride a bike. Helmets are your choice, they don't look stylish and can do some good if you bash your noggin on the tarmac, buts its your choice. If you wear one kudos to you but you look daft and if you don't wear one be careful. La la la