FIRST WEEK AFTER HOLIDAY

Today is friday and it is the end of the first week back from my trip abroad. What a crappy week it has been. Not crappy in that have had a bad one, but crappy in the fact that nothing of real interest has happened. the weather anywhere else is lovely hot sunny and superb. The weather here is has been its usual wet and windy summer. Yesterday was unseasonally warm but even the weather guy on Sky News was surprised at how warm it was. Let me say that again, the weather guy on Sky News was surprised at the weather. Here in our fine capital, the sun shone for hours, but up north where all the council pikeys live it was torrential rain. It never ceases to amaze me that people still try to drive or ride push bikes when the roads are under five feet of water. I felt sorry for her maj The Queen for having to shake the hand of a senior terrorist. Not only was this guy part of the mob that killed her cousin, but she had to go to him instead of him coming here, good job she wore gloves. I took the train to work the other day. What a shower of shitty people travel by train. What is it with women putting on their make up on a train full of other people. Why do you always apply it with your mouth open making you look like a goldfish? I saw one man cough into a tissue and put it in his shirt pocket then two minutes later take it out and blow his nose. I saw one man take his trainers off and massage his feet for about ten minutes and believe me his toes were very gnarled indeed. The Germs are out of Euro 2012. Don't really care. Im not blaming Desperate Dan for our exit although Rooney should not have been the player we based the team around. I'm sick of hearing Woy Hodgeson saying they did us proud. If the did us proud they would still be in it. They got as far as anyone thought they would. And bloody good grief its fecking Wimbledon. I hate tennis, I really do. Its a dull middle class game played by chinless wonders. We ain't no good and we never will. I cant tell whinging Andy apart from his lookalike mother, why does a grown nan take his mum everywhere, is she the Scottish equivalent of a favourite sheep? As you know, I do like a good movie. Last night I watched Jason Stathams latest offer. I don't know why I suffer such drivel. It was so very crap, the best bits were in subtitles when he wasn't on screen. I keep telling myself Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Jean Claude Damn Vain, Chris Tucker and Martin Lawrence films are to be avoided at all times, but like a wally, I get a beer or two inside me and like the weather reports I watch in hope of seeing something good. Driving home today the DJ kept saying "yippeee its the weekend", well I have news for you, you very irritating prick some of us have to go to work. Still, look on the bright side, I can stay up past nine on saturday and have a lie in on sunday.....la la la

FIRST DAY BACK

Today is my first day back after two and a half weeks in the sun. I was going to tell you what happened the the local plod turned up at the hotel but apparently a couple of people here are telling the management a bit more than they need to so I will tell you the story a bit later. I walked in this morning and nothing had changed. No one one my celebrity death list died, which made me a bit miffed. The same stroke pullers and skiving feckers are still up to no good, one guy rang in a hour and a half before his was due to start and said the bus had a puncture and he was running late. Tosser. The crew room is still dirty and the toilets still smell.it never ceases to amaze my what some people have for breakfast, one person is finishing off last nites chicken kebab. I understand cold pizza or a chinese but no fecking way a greasy cold kebab. The same malingeres are moping about and the same off track people are still off track. The telly in the crew room doesnt work and the hot water for the tea and coffee is coming out in a slow trickle. I will be glad when this day is over so that I can go to the gym and earn a couple of beers. The papers are a bit quiet, everyone is blaming Wayne Rooneys wig for the way England performed and the toilet paper called The Sun is throwing its support behind the ginger whinger Andy poface Murray. All in all its a typical wednesday at the funny farm. La la la

MY HOLIDAY

Two weeks ago, I went on a one week holiday. I got back yesterday. what??? I hear you ask, yes you heard, I went two weeks ago I went for one week and only got back yesterday. I wont tell you where I went because I don't want to be a holiday bore, but I have a fantastic tan, some lovely photos.....and a criminal record. the weather was touching the early 40s and it was hot. It was very firking hot. It was absolute bliss. it was all inclusive so the beer was free, the food was free and the was lots of it. I trained like a mad man to get my body looking decent for when I arrived, and I must say I looked good. Two days of free beer and food made me look like a Brussel sprout on legs. Also at this place was half of Yorkshire. I have never seen so many pasty, fat over white heavily tattooed people in one place, it was like a scene from a holiday poster for a Florida cake shop. I have never seen so many ugly horrible tattoos, and that was just the women. The free food was ok if you liked chicken for a meal. Apart from breakfast, which was eggs, the other three daily meals were chicken in some form or another. Can you imagine having three large meals a day and they are all chicken, with chips and rice? During my holiday, I survived an earthquake, a shark attack, a terrorist attack, and a bat attack. These dirty northern monkeys used to take plates piled with food up to their rooms and then leave plates with half eaten food in the corridors. They were a disgrace to this country. When booking, we were offered a sea view, ha ha ha. There was a view and you could see it, but as for "a sea view", you had to stand on the roof and look through binoculars just to get a glimmer of a glint of any water. The bus system is fantastic, when a bus comes, you just hold your hand up and it stops, it was super. I can't see those lazy ignorant feckers who drive buses over here doing that. I have to say that for the money I paid, the food and beer was more than enough. I had a room with a shower and a bed. The brochure said every room had a telly. My room had a telly, it didn't work, the screen was cracked, but the room did have a telly. The problems began when the going home date clashed with the flight dates. The hotel kick out was on saturday and the flight date was monday. Obviously tempers flared and that's when the local plod paid us a visit, I will tell you the rest next time. Just so you all know..... I'm back.

STATING THE OBVIOUS

I took the train to work today. I didn't fancy driving there in the rush hour and driving back in the rush hour, so I put on my common people clothes and went by public transport. On the train I read today's Metro. Its a good job its free cos it only takes ten minutes to read, and the full front page headline was 'London Tube System Can't Cope'. Well that's stating the obvious. Apparently some senior officials on the Tube were horrified at how badly the system coped over the Jubilee weekend. These overpaid pencil pushers didn't expect a high number of problems like the ones that occurred. I am flabbergasted at their shock. The Tube system is over crowded on a regular daily basis, how did they not foresee the problems a million extra punters would cause? Now, with seven weeks to the Olympics, all their plans have to be re thought. Its quite shocking. I turned a few pages and saw an article about our favourite subject, the weather. Some supposedly intelligent meteorologist is warning us to be aware that our summer is looking like being a washout. That's stating the obvious. If they had left our normal Bank holiday alone we could have had a rare sunny Monday, but no, they moved it to show the world what crap weather we get in this country and we had a long weekend of rain. My friend Maureen lives in Portugal and she says she sometimes misses the weather. Well Maureen, the next time you miss the weather, get dressed to go out and stand in the shower and turn on the cold water, then you will remember why you did the right thing and moved abroad. Another story that made me laugh, Miley Cyrus is now engaged to her long term on off boyfriend. ENGAGED LONG TERM, ON OFF? Is it me or does that spell disaster? I see that going one of two ways, either they will split for good cos they keep splitting up, and the unknown wannabe model boyfriend will sell his story, or they get married and divorced in less than a month. Having said that, looking at the picture of her, I wouldn't mind getting on and off her a few times. OOPS, I shouldn't have said that, I don't want to have my scrotum removed and used as a purse by a certain someone reading this. La la la the Euros start this week. Did you see the picture of the England team in the Metro? Is it me or did they all go to the same one armed, one eyed, tourettes suffering hairdresser?

SIXTY YEARS

Well done Liz, 60 years as our queen. Only the second British monarch to last that long. I notice they are both women which goes to show that married men die first. Don't get me wrong, I think Liz is wonderful and has done an outstanding job keeping her wayward offspring in check, and having those she doesn't like knocked off the radar. I'm just concerned that because she has slipped to the 4th richest woman in the world, who is paying for this 5 day piss up. If they had left things alone, and let us have last monday as a Bank Holiday, the weather was wonderful, this weekend it was dreadful. I really feel for all those who lined the banks of the Thames to get just a distant glimpse of her Maj and got soaked in the rain. Our illustrious leader David Cameron and his wife Seabiscuit keep telling us to tighten our belts its a recession and everyone is gonna end up poor, so who is footing the bill for all those bacon keeping the public at arms length? And who is footing the bill for all the TV coverage? And who paid for the Royal barge? And who is going to compensate all those businesses affected by being told to close for 5 days so that all the Royalists can buy over priced bunting and wave at an old woman who doesn't know your name. I bet she would rather have spent the time at home with her feet up having a cold beer (or few). I spent the time doing that an it was lovely. I'm glad that those who went and stood in the rain can say they had a nice time but in all honesty, lets face it, if you've seen one parade you've seen em all. philip had the right idea, he rang in sick. Just like some of the shirkers where I work, Phil decided he'd had enough and wanted to chase sexy nurses around the ward instead. Did you notice the police outside the hospital stopping people getting in? Thats cos Phil was doing his Sid James impression and chasing busty nurses around from his wheelchair, rather than getting all dressed up in a uniform full of medals he didn't earn and walk behind his wife. I hope everyone enjoyed how the spent their weekend, mine was fantastic. I had the most delicious pork dinner, and had fantastic company. Well done Liz, keep up the good work. Just to let the powers that be know, the train stations were ram packed, and you reckon we won't be busy for the Olympics.....just a thought. La la la