MY HOLIDAY

Two weeks ago, I went on a one week holiday. I got back yesterday. what??? I hear you ask, yes you heard, I went two weeks ago I went for one week and only got back yesterday. I wont tell you where I went because I don't want to be a holiday bore, but I have a fantastic tan, some lovely photos.....and a criminal record. the weather was touching the early 40s and it was hot. It was very firking hot. It was absolute bliss. it was all inclusive so the beer was free, the food was free and the was lots of it. I trained like a mad man to get my body looking decent for when I arrived, and I must say I looked good. Two days of free beer and food made me look like a Brussel sprout on legs. Also at this place was half of Yorkshire. I have never seen so many pasty, fat over white heavily tattooed people in one place, it was like a scene from a holiday poster for a Florida cake shop. I have never seen so many ugly horrible tattoos, and that was just the women. The free food was ok if you liked chicken for a meal. Apart from breakfast, which was eggs, the other three daily meals were chicken in some form or another. Can you imagine having three large meals a day and they are all chicken, with chips and rice? During my holiday, I survived an earthquake, a shark attack, a terrorist attack, and a bat attack. These dirty northern monkeys used to take plates piled with food up to their rooms and then leave plates with half eaten food in the corridors. They were a disgrace to this country. When booking, we were offered a sea view, ha ha ha. There was a view and you could see it, but as for "a sea view", you had to stand on the roof and look through binoculars just to get a glimmer of a glint of any water. The bus system is fantastic, when a bus comes, you just hold your hand up and it stops, it was super. I can't see those lazy ignorant feckers who drive buses over here doing that. I have to say that for the money I paid, the food and beer was more than enough. I had a room with a shower and a bed. The brochure said every room had a telly. My room had a telly, it didn't work, the screen was cracked, but the room did have a telly. The problems began when the going home date clashed with the flight dates. The hotel kick out was on saturday and the flight date was monday. Obviously tempers flared and that's when the local plod paid us a visit, I will tell you the rest next time. Just so you all know..... I'm back.