TODAYS NONSENSE NEWS

Today in the paper two or three stories caught my eye. They caught my eye because of how absurd they were. It never ceases to amaze me that some people are so fecking up their own arse that they get a mention in the media. Story number one is about this silly blithering idiot in some remote village up north is moaning that the local dairy is importing German milk. Even though the milk is of a better quality and is cheaper he is moaning because there is no markings on the bottles 'warning' people that the milk is German. What drives people to become so insular that something so banal takes over their life? This guy obviously has no friends and is just being ridiculous for the hell of it. To me its a non story. Story number two and even dafter than the first is the council that is giving unemployed people free spray tans to boost their confidence (Richard doesn't need to apply). How fecking stupid is that? Instead of giving spray tans, help these work shy dole money grabbing losers a job. I can see it's clearly the type of person who is out of work but wants to walk around with a fake tan, the same jelly headed bimbo who watches TOWIE and shops at Iceland. What a waste of money. Personally when one of these fake tanned idiots turned up for their dole money I would say you have a tan you can obviously afford a holiday and stop their benefits. Story number three is about a 12 year old boy (nothing to do with Jimmy Saville) who had 80 pence and tried to buy a poppy and the daft bugger selling them refused because he said 80 pence was not enough. Well the British Legion website clearly states that no donation is too small so this over officious dimwit should be removed from his post as a seller. Now come to my favourite story about a subject I'm passionate about, obesity or as I call it fat people who blame others. This 15 year old thirteen stone boy is moaning that he is fat because junk food adverts are so good. Yep, you heard me, junk food adverts are so good. He likes the colours and the music and the good natured messages about getting quick meals. He claims he hasn't liked any forms of sport since he was five. Well listen up fatty, you ain't obese you are fat. Fat fat fat. You have no friends because they are all out doing sporty things and you are fat. The only way to get him out of the house is to spread butter around the door frame and dangle a chocolate cake at him. There was no picture of his parents but my guess is a pair of heffers. If all these bleeding heart tree hugging sandal wearing carrot crunching bearded weirdos stopped telling fat people its not their fault its a society problem maybe we can get back to taking the piss out of them until they slim down. It amazes me that they can charge you on airplanes for excess luggage but a big fat dumptruck taking up two seats and making the plane tilt pays the same for a ticket. If I was in charge....... Well you know the rest la la la , here is an interesting fact, the bones of a pigeon weigh less than its feathers. (keep you chin up RB)