WATCHTOWER

I have just had a right poxy shift and I have it again two days next week. On the way home I decided to treat myself so I stopped at the off licence. When I got home the house was empty. As I was changing I decided to have a tissue moment, so I got out my scented tissue and as I was choosing a film I was interupted by a knock on the door. I went downstair and opened the door. Outside was three people, two women and a man. The man held his hand out and said 'would you like a Watchtower sir?' and he had a copy in his hand. I said 'no thanks, the paper hurts my arse'. One of the woman, dressed like she was Amish, said 'thats not very nice'. I said, 'listen, I have literally just got in from a long days work and I just want to relax, I don't need your lot pestering me every couple of weeks'. The guy said, 'God loves a working man, how do you relax?. I said 'well actually, I was just about to smack the monkey' the second woman with a face like a bowl of coleslaw said, 'ooh thats cruel' I chuckled and said 'its actually quite fun' the first woman asked if the monkey had been naughty and I told her that after a shit long day smacking the monkey relieves my tension. The guy, who was wearing a suit I hope he eventually grows into said 'animal cruelty is a sin, do you hate animals sir? I laughed and said 'I love animals, especially when they are covered in gravy and served with chips'. The first woman asked, 'why would you do that? I said 'its my house and its not illegal to smack monkeys in you own home'. The second woman asked if smacking the monkey was a euphemism for something else and I said yes. All three gasped and called me a pig. I said 'at least I'm not stainding in the rain looking at a front door, now if you don't mind, my tissue is getting warm' and I slammed my door. I went back upstairs and do you know what? I almost didn't do it but I had already torn off a strip of tissue and I don't like to waste things, plus I love the smell of warm Aloe Vera with lime. La la la