ME AND SPIDERS

I dont like spiders. Im not scared of spiders I just dont like them. Every film I see about spiders makes me not like them even more. I am quite happy to stand on and kill any spider in my way. I am quite sure that if a spider was bigger than me it would do the same to me. In the films i watch, whenever a spider has the upper hand it tries to kill humans. And before you start making jokes about my size, yes, my previous job was to stand on top of wedding cakes. Any way, today I saw this bloody big spider and it was between me and the door so I could not get to my shotgun, so thinking quickly ( as all men do in times of trouble) I reached for my hoover. Now let me tell you about my hoover. In the early hours of the morning on a rest day I had just had a tissue moment and was having a beer watching QVC. Its quite possibly the most boring but addictive of the shopping channels and I was just in the process of ordering some scented tissues and laver gloves when they advertised this hoover. This hoover they said is the daddy of all hoovers. When using it, tie yourself to a table or chair cos this bastard can suck. Well I was a bit pissed but he said something like that. Anyway I bought this super dooper, sucking machine that came with a free, yes free, handy vac for the car, and also for an extra tenner a carpet washer as well. I couldnt pass that up so I looked at the clock it was half past three in the morning, so I dragged the enemy out of bed and made her order one. 7 to 10 days later it arrived. It looked the bollox, came with too muck packaging and the instructions were in Russian. Who cares, lets fire this baby up, I said to myself. Four days later after I had worked out how to use it I was bitterly disappointed. It was louder than Concorde and the cable was shorter than me. And to make things worse it was one with no bag, so the dirt was held in a plastic see thru chamber. So after every use I could see how dirty my house was. Any way when it was full I tried to empty it. A week later I figured out how to do that and now I have to empty it daily cos I dont like seeing the dirt in the chamber. People ask me why I keep buying T shirts, its because every fecking time I empty this bastard hoover im covered in dust. Any way back to this monstrous spider. I saw it and I hoovered it up. Job done. Oh no, no no. I was feeling pleased with myself and considering some tissue time when out the corner of my eye, something in the hoover moved. It was like a mini landslide as this fecking big spider climbed its way to the top and stared at me. I called the police but they hung up. I cant empty it cos it might end up jumping on me. Im not scared I just dont like spiders. Anyway I looked in the catalogue and a new hoover is in the post. My current is in the garden, I bought some lighter fluid, dug a hole and burnt it, with the arachnid still in it. Hard???? you bet I am.