COASTAL SPIDERS

Today I was coastal. I had my break in a very small room. It's not a crew room but it is an officially designated place to have a break. You have to go down some gloomy stairs to get to this room. Its like a dungeon on the ground floor. The walls need a coat of paint,there is one small table and three tatty chairs, the lino is full of holes and cigarette burns, the bin hasn't been emptied in ages, the windows are dirty, there is hot water to make tea or coffee but no cold water for drinking and it smells like an old Frenchman. Don't laugh, those are its good points. I put my bag on the table and was going to make a coffee when I saw a massive (yes it was honest) spider on the floor. I didn't panic, I picked up a phone book, (why is there a phone book in a room with no phone?) and I slammed it down on the spider then stamped on the book twice, job done no problem. I went to the toilet and the dead spider must have had a brother cos on the wall was another spider just like it. I can't pee when I'm being watched and there was no phone book in the loo so being clever I picked up the toilet brush and whacked the spider. The spider stuck to the brush and it looked like it was still moving so I put the brush down the loo. I had my pee and pulled the chain. Again the damn spider looked still alive so I took the Harpic bottle from the window sill and emptied it in the loo to poison the spider, I'm hard I didn't care. I went back in the room to make my coffee and as I was filling my cup I heard a noise. I looked up and there on the dirty dust covered window was another bloody spider trying to get in through the air vent. I thought 'sod this, I'm off' I filled my cup, grabbed bag and left. I opened the door and fuck me there was a spider (not really big but still a spider) on the third step blocking my path to safety. So, again I didn't panic, I shout 'look over there, a sexy spider with no clothes on' and while the spider was distracted, I ran past up the stairs. When I reached the top I looked round and saw the spider was angry at being tricked, I laughed at it and walked away. As I was standing on the platform drinking my cooffee what did I see on the tracks? no not another spider but a bloody large rat. I threw my coffee at it and it ran off. I don't like ginger hair and I hate spiders. God knows how I would react if I saw a ginger haired spider. Here is an interesting fact, Russ Abbott was asked to appear in the film The Full Monty and turned it down, the part went to Tom Wilkinson. Russ Abbott said turning the role down was the biggest mistake of his career. (silly bald bastard ) la la la