COASTAL COCKNEY

I am coastal today and for once the weather aint minging. I had only just entered the crew room and made myself a coffee when this jellyhead said 'there's one' . I didn't look up but as I opened my book a shadow loomed over me and this berk was standing there, he was about 40 years old and looked like he was dressed by his mother. I know I shouldn't have but Ieventually looked at him and said 'yes ??' and he replied 'all right me old mucker, Big Ben, pie and mash, apples and pears, lets go down the frog and toad, luvly jubbly'. I wasnt in the mood so I said ' fuck off nut case' , he looked a bit sad and said don't be like that, I'm going up to London and I'm practicing the local lingo' I took a sip of my coffee and said 'I've got news for you, you freak, I don't know where you get your information from, but no one, NO ONE in London speaks like that, if I were you I would go back home and hide under the bed until the men in white coats stop looking for you' he swore at me and walked away. I was enjoying my coffee when a scrunched up ball of paper landed on the table in front of me. I looked up and they jellyhead said ' I'm still going up London'  I replied, 'my next door neighbour has a cat' he looked bewildered and asked, 'whats that got to do with anything? So I said  'my front door is blue' . He just didn't know what to say.  A few minutes later he said acroos the room, 'I had a cat years ago, it was a tabby' again I put my coffee down and asked, 'do you live alone? He answered yes, I said 'let me guess, the cat died or ran away' he paused for a moment then said ' the cat died'  I said, 'cat suicides are quite common when a wally lives alone'. He swore at me again.  I finished my coffee and was washing the cup when jellyhead asked me 'wheres the best place to get a drink in London? I replied, 'if you want a coffee go to a cafe, if you want a pint go to a pub' he was really angry with me now and started yelling that I was unfriendly. I told him that I wasn't being unfriendly but my parents had warned me not to talk to strange men. He thought about it for a while then left the room. After he had gone two people came in and said 'thank fuck he has gone, he gets on our tits, he is so boring' I looked at them and yawned, then I left the room. I really don't like having my breaks coastal la la la here is an interesting fact, Harold Wilson was a keen yachtsman and had a boat called 'Morning Cloud' . Vote for me