PARTY TIME

This time last year we were all told to stay away from everyone to not travel anywhere, don't visit friends and family, wear a face covering and most definitely do not have any parties. 

Most of us did that, we followed the guidance and played our part. 

Not that fat fuck Bumbling Boris.

He decided the rules didn't apply to him and he held a gathering for the chosen few. 

How does he manage to make everything he wears look like something Benny Hill threw away?

He looks like a fly tipped mattress. 

Anyway, Christmas is nearly here and I need to think about buying some gifts.

I was looking at the Ann Summers web page, thought I'd try to spice things up in the bedroom. 

I am a fairly broad minded person so seeing sex toys and stuff didn't bother me, however, I saw the blow up doll section which I imagine is for guys who can't get a real women. I understand that, I really do, some men are so sad they take photos of trains and eat packed lunches their mums make. What I can't get my head around is blow up sheep. Who the fuck needs a blow up sheep? If you are the guy who can't get a real sheep you should not leave your home ever.

If you have to buy a blow up sheep for you to use as a lover then you are beyond help.

So anyway as I said Christmas is nearly here and the usual suspects have started going sick at work, the usual malingerers are faking being unwell so that they can have the festive season off.

Personally I don't mind but it fux me off seeing pictures of them playing golf or riding push bikes on a bike trail when they claim to be too ill to get out of bed.

On a different subject, yesterday I was in the supermarket and I heard a lady of some weight (that's me being PC and not saying 'some fat bird') on her phone telling someone it's not her fault that she is fat but being fat is like being gay, it just happens. 

No fucking way. You don't wake up fat, it's a journey you put yourself through, gay is how you are, it is in your DNA, and it does not make you a bad person, some of my best friends are gay they are intelligent and funny people who I love. Fat people tend to be obnoxious biscuit munching cake swallowing coke drinking lazy fat toads who get out of breath reading a newspaper. 

Anyway,  I am not working today, just got back from the gym and now I am about to crack open a beer  (vicious circle I know).

If I don't see you (it's probably for a reason), have a fabulous Christmas, eat, drink, get laid and try to be nice.

Please buy my E book,  A Clean Week. 

Here is an interesting fact,  a cat can jump five times higher than its tail.

LOCKDOWN? WHAT LOCKDOWN ?

 We are supposed to be in a LOCKDOWN.

Don't make me laugh coz that is absolutely not what is happening. I was at a well known supermarket over the weekend and it was packed. No one seemed to care, far too many were not wearing face coverings, the staff looked like they had just been flogged by their bosses and the shelves had the same crap they always sold. 

I then popped into B&Q and that too was busy, granted it was a Sunday and people pop out on a Sunday but they bloody well shouldn't be (me included).

There was a long vehicle queue at McDonald's and an equally long queue at KFC (don't know why coz that is shit food).

The Old Kent Road was heavy with traffic in both directions and there was a fairly long queue outside the new Deli which opened near Tesco extra, the one with the beggar sitting outside asking for money. 

I give him fuck all coz I know he has a council flat and a job as a plumber. 

It sickens me to see that scabby toad of a scrounger conning people and now I don't give to any of them in case they are lying lazy shit stains like him. 

I have travelled on the tube a lot recently and they have been packed with builders and construction workers going to work so who changed the definition of key workers?

It really fux me off to see these people in dirty paint covered clothes travelling on public transport not caring that they are messing up the seats with the mess their clothes make. I saw one painter who must be the world's worst painter, he had more paint on him than he puts on the walls. 

We need a proper rethink if we are to have any hope of getting through this. 

I walked around the Dock and again there were so many people out, many just sitting on benches smoking and drinking without a care in the world, social distancing my arse.

Anyway, let's talk about Superman. 

Here is a guy in a suit and glasses and yet he takes off the glasses and no one recognises him ( stoopid Yanks)

I wonder if he is hot wearing a hero costume under his suit all day. 

I also wonder about how he changes. He gets the call, dashes into a phone box and flies off. He saves the day and puts his clothes back on. What if while he is off being a hero someone uses that phone box and finds his suit, what does he do then?

He must get through a lot of suits. 

I wonder if he gets horny at any time. 

All that power and strength and the ability to fly, and no girlfriend, sounds like a bit of a loser to me.

Anyway, just think about how you can help to keep this virus away and no unfortunately we can't send it to France, fuck sake they would all be over here hiding in cupboards if we did that. 

Please buy my e book, A Clean Week, and my new book Easy Pickings is nearly ready. 

Here is an interesting fact, male squirrels can perform felatio on themselves (lucky). 

A ROUGH FEW WEEKS

It has been a really tough couple of weeks. The weather has been rubbish, Vauxhall bridge has been closed making going to and from work a bloody nightmare. Some daft idiot driver dinked my car and the hire car is horrible to drive. It has some good features but not many.

Vauxhall bridge is closed and so diversions are in place. I tried cycling but it is bloody dangerous on the roads and the two biggest dangers are dumb arse pedestrians and other cyclists.

Pedestrians don't look and cyclists think they own the roads and that traffic lights are for everyone else.

I also started using the tube. What a noisy shit way to travel.

I am absolutely astonished at how many people have no spatial awareness and think the escalator is a ride. It really fux me off to be stuck behind some fat woman blocking the way while the escalator struggles to convey her fat arse upwards.

And 99 out of 100 people use their phones. It is absolutely stupid listening to these morons shout at their phones.

Some daft woman banged into my car. Her first words were ' it's ok I'm a Christian'.

My first words were 'look what you did to my car you blind cntu'.

She tried to offer me cash but I made her give up her insurance details and now I am just waiting for things to pan out.

The courtesy car is nice but it has a button for a handbrake. Not loving that. The electric boot is cool though.

Saw Faulkner earlier this week. How can someone be so tall and handsome with perfect hair but have such a shapeless butt?

I see that the northern lot are on lock down again. Serves them right for not following the guidelines.

We should all wear a mask in shops and on public transport although some of my colleagues are still leaving the train cabs messy.

Finally finished my next book, Easy Pickings, it's on its way to the publisher.

Big hello to Derek and Lynne, hope you are still causing trouble at Weatherspoons.

Hello Wesley, answer the phone you devil.

Can someone please read this to Peggles.

Why is Donald Trump still alive?

Here is an interesting fact, there are more statues of lions in the world than real lions.

This blog was made possible with the great help of Levi who helped me remember how to log on. Many thanks.

Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.

BEE IN MY BONNET

I have a bee in my bonnet today. I am getting miffed at the amount of people ignoring the guidelines and just doing whatever they want to.
The park was busy today and quite a few people were just sitting on blankets drinking alcohol. I like alcohol, it's my middle name but I drink indoors because I am on lock down.
The trains are getting busier and there is no way they are all key workers.
Talking of key workers, this Thursday clap nonsense is getting silly. Clapping, yes, banging pots and pans and sounding car horns no.
It was nice to hear on the radio the rest of the key workers getting recognition, we/they deserve it too.
Nightingale hospital is being put on standby, why?? The are 4000 beds there, that's 4000 rough sleepers who could have somewhere warm and safe to sleep.
Bumbling Boris keeps thanking the NHS and rightly so but this fat fest should stick his hand in his rather deep pockets and buy a ventilation machine for the ward he was on. £100 million plus has been donated for the NHS, how many new nurses would that fund?.
The nurses deserve the recognition they are getting but they should have had that all along. This government cheered when they denied the nurses a pay rise and now they want us to give our cash to the NHS.
I wonder how many over paid MPs have donated.
Something else annoying me is every other advert on telly is a charity asking for money, it is getting ridiculous.
The footballers being asked to take a pay cut should give that money to the back room staff, they really need it.
Yesterday, Faulkner was asleep in the back room and within seconds of waking up his hair was immaculate, and I mean immaculate, it was like looking at a young Wesley.
Big shout to my good friend Lynne, she must be going mad cooped up with Derek all day. Derek makes great cakes (that's a hint Derek, I would love one of your cakes).
I am off this weekend but my first trip next week is bloody coastal, grrr.
Please buy my E book A Clean Week, and get a preview of my next book, Easy Pickings.
Here is an interesting fact, there is a variety of carrot beginning with every letter of the alphabet except the letter X.  la la la.

FAULKNER

Boris has the virus. He is in intensive care in a NHS hospital. Bet he wishes his Tory party hadn't made so many cuts over the years, but we wish him well.
Wesley has moved down south to live with the sheep and has taken his perfect hair with him. Not a problem because I have found the perfect replacement.
His name is Michael Faulkner. We don't like Michael because he is everything I ain't. He is tall, good looking, nice personality and bloody immaculate hair. No arse though, he is very flat at the back. Me, I'm short fat bald ugly, big cock nice firm bum.
I went to the park for my run today and was dismayed to see people using the outside gym despite being told not to. Some people are just morons.
I am supposed to be lates next week but I am hoping Gibbsy will do his magic and get me off.
We like Gibbsy, he has a nice smile (I'm not gay I'm just being honest). He swears he ain't gay but every time someone bends over he touches their bum, and has a weird habit of rubbing his crotch when he talks to you.
Went to my local Tesco after my run and it was nice to see it looking almost normal. No queues, stock on the shelves and no one panic buying.
Still missing the football but I am re-reading my E book, A Clean Week, it's a really good book ,you should buy a copy for a friend.
Honor Blackman has passed away. She looked very Hubba Hubba in that Bond movie. She was 94 which ain't bad.
I'm still concerned that some of my colleagues are leaving the cabs in a shit state, (you know who you are you disgusting pigs).
It's Easter this weekend, feel free to give me chocolate (or bacon).
Here is an interesting fact, people who kiss their dogs have lower blood pressure than those who don't.
la la la.

VIRUS UPDATE

Well this weekend the weather is supposed to be very nice. Let's see how many numpties ignore government advice and and go outside unnecessarily.
Well done to the front line NHS, the rest of us key workers got a half mention hidden in a statement by Boris during the week.
It can't be easy being cooped up indoors but it needs to be done. I would like to say hello to my good friend Derek Cue and his wife Lynne, they are staying in and haven't killed each other yet. Derek is always smartly dressed, he is a good man, his wife Lynne is a good man too.
Have you noticed that the media are not talking about the flood victims anymore? What about that annoying brat Greta Thunberg? I am so glad her punchable face is not always on the telly, she really got on my nerves.
The usual suspects are still pretending to have the virus and after this weekend I expect a few more to drop out.
Mr Peglar doesn't think he looks old but the grey hair is a giveaway.
My so called mate Wesley is not answering his phone, he better be dead or I will be annoyed.
Apparently the ozone has improved because of less traffic. I must be honest, talking about the ozone is something I find really boring.
Still no sports being played, Saturdays are boring now, no football has disappointed me more than the invention of the bagpipes.
On the bright side, we are saving money by not going on holidays.
If you need something to do, read my E book, A Clean Week. And get the first few chapters of my new book, Easy Pickings.
What's blue and not heavy? Light blue, ha ha ha ha.
Here is an interesting fact, the lighter was invented before the match. la la la.

VIRUS NONSENSE

This virus is being a bit of a nuisance. People are acting very oddly indeed. The nation is very divided, bringing out the best and the worst of people.
We have weak minded panic buyers taking more than they need. We have people who can't get what they need, we have hoarders being selfish and we have those who are profiteering.
Yes our NHS are doing an amazing job going above and beyond but what about the other key workers?
It sickens me to see till staff being verbally abused by morons acting like neanderthals, it irritates me greatly when rich people appear on telly and tell us to do more. Only this morning in the paper is a picture of that skinny miserable cow Posh Becks showing off her new £19 million dollar flat.
Has anyone seen Prince Philip? I think he may be brown bread but because currently he won't get a state funeral they are keeping it quiet for now.
Who was that moron licking the handles of shopping trolleys and why has he not been arrested yet?
Where I work I have seen people trying to fill bottles with sanitiser from the free ones hanging on the walls, it is ridiculous.
Obviously the usual suspects have taken the opportunity to go sick knowing they will still get paid and the honest ones amongst us know who they are.
The real down side is that the pubs are shut and I was wondering if the bar is open at the house of commons/lords.
Can't the pubs open for key workers only?
It would be nice to have drink without bumping into soppy lawyers and office staff and all those that used to look down on the lower echelons of society.
All of a sudden they need those bus drivers, they need those people working in the shops, they need those cleaners doing what they do and now look, who is the key person at your office.
Wesley is leaving. Who?? Wesley, the guy with the hair.
He is off to the sheep county, obviously had enough living in civilisation and wants the quiet (boring) life.
Boris has the virus but he was nuts before he got it so no sympathy there.
Donald Blump does not have a clue and just stands there looking even more lost than usual.
Hello Mr Peglar (he's the young one who looks old).
So anyway, lets all try be sensible and only buy what you need and stay in if you can. I can recommend a really good book, A Clean Week and if you look on my blog page you get a look at my next book, Easy Pickings.
Here is an interesting fact, women shoplift more than men, the statistics say 4 to 1.  Lalala

WHAT A KNEES UP

This is a true story.

I had a doctors appointment today. I made it 2 weeks ago. I have had a sore knee for about 3 months.  I woke up one morning and my left knee was painful. Being the tough guy I thought nothing of it but it was not getting better so I booked a doctors appointment.
I arrived ten minutes early and gave the receptionist my name address phone number inside leg measurement my mums maiden name the team I support and who I voted for in the election.
She let me sit down.
Twenty minutes after my booked time I was called in.
Fuck me this guy must have been in the same class as Sir Isaac Newton he was that old.
He told me to sit down and asked how I pronounced my name. I told him and he asked where I got that name from,  tough crowd coz when I said my parents he did not laugh.

He looked at the screen and said that I had not been in for quite a while, I told him that I had not been sick for quite a while, still no laugh.
He asked if I was sick now and I said no, he asked why I was there and I told him about my knee. He looked disappointed. He asked me to explain so I told him that my knee was tender and stopping me from walking properly or jogging. He asked if I had trouble breathing I said no he asked if I was peeing ok I said yes, he said, shame.
He asked me to roll up my trouser leg and he grabbed my knee. Fuck me man his hands were cold.
He rummaged around for a few minutes then said it was either muscle damage or cartilage. I asked which it was.
He said he wasn't sure sure and that I could book a scan or rebook with my own doctor for a proper opinion.
I asked if he seen many patients today and he said yes yes quite a few. I asked if any were still alive, tough crowd, still no laugh.
I decided to rebook with my own doctor and hope to see him some time this year.

Please buy my E  book, A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, in 2007, over 210,000 Americans were injured in lawnmower accidents. Silly sods. La la la

DUMB DELIVERY

I was just sitting at home, minding my own, wondering whether to have a tissue moment when there was a knock on the door.
I opened the door and a delivery guy was there holding a parcel. He asked if I could take the parcel in for a neighbour.
I asked who the neighbour was and he said number 34. I said no. He asked why not. I told him that number 34 was a pig ignorant man, a noisy neighbour and he sometimes parked encroaching on my drive way.
The delivery guy said that he had tried other neighbours but no one answered.
I said sorry but no and shut the door.
Five minutes later there was another knock so I answered the door, it was him again.
He told me that he had spoken to his office and they said that it was my civic and moral duty to take the parcel.
I told him to wait and shut the door.
I waited 5 minutes then opened the door door and told him that I had just spoken to my lawyer and he had advised me not to take the parcel.
The delivery guy looked gobsmacked.
He told me that he had this one delivery in South London and 3 more in East London, his depot was in East London and he didn't want to have to drive all the way back to try and deliver this parcel.
Not my problem I said and shut the door.
I went upstairs and a few minutes later I heard the letter box being used.
I went down stairs and the dirty bastard had put a card in saying that he had left a note telling the neighbour that I had his parcel.
I was fuming. I opened the door and the parcel was on the door step.
I took it in and rang the number on the label. I told the woman on the phone that I was going to leave the parcel on the neighbours door step as I did not want to hold on to it and if it got stolen that was not my problem, and I hung up.
I did put the parcel on the neighbours door step and did not give it a second thought.
Fifteen minutes later there was a vigorous banging on my door and I rushed down to answer. I opened the door and saw the delivery guy sitting in his van. He gave me the wanker sign and drove off.
Later that day the neighbour knocked asking for his parcel. I told him that I did not take it in. He was not happy (fuck him).
Later still the neighbour knocked and apologised about his parking.
Fuck him again.
Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, all the ants in the world weigh as much as all the people. La la la.

COASTAL, GRRR

Damn damn damn, I am coastal tomorrow, the laughingly named sunshine coast. I can only describe this place as an above ground cemetery. It's the kind of place the elephant man would be considered sexy. If a woman's pubes don't reach her knees they say she ain't trying hard enough. If your child doesn't have an ASBO by age 5 the parents send them to an orphanage in shame. I saw a guy with what looked like ear plugs and he was holding a phone but as I got closer he had a shoe string hanging from his ear and he was holding a Mars bar. The weather report said sunny spells with showers, I saw a woman and she had a Wellington boot on her right foot and a flip flop on her left. I went to the kiosk on the concourse and asked for a bacon roll, he asked if I wanted it warmed up, I asked who buys cold ones?
The train cleaner was picking up the rubbish in the train and he said, do you want a newspaper? I asked which one is it? He replied yesterday's Metro!!
It is the school holidays and the station is crawling with kids with nothing to do.
In the crew room which is surprisingly tidy, there are two guys discussing Love Island. One of them asked if I watched the show and I told him no. They looked at me like I was the sad one.  Another guy was moaning that the fruit machine was switched off. One of the guys said that the man with the key to switch it back on would be back soon and he said, oh I don't want to play it I just like the lights.
I have had it here.
Please buy my E book,A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, bananas have more trade restrictions than AK47s.

ETHICAL RULES FOR MEN

Over the last couple of weeks I have visited several crew rooms and it seems my male colleagues are not acting in the proper manner. In case some of you have forgotten the 'Man Rules' here they are to remind you.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. If you have known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits. Unless you actually marry her.

3. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts, you may even deny his very existence.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family you must bail a mate out of jail within 24 hours.

5. Bitching about the brand of beer in your mates fridge is forbidden but you can moan if it ain't cold.

6. , On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.

7. Women who say they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies unless they demonstrate full knowledge of the game and can eat a large doner kebab.

8. If a man's zip is open, that's his problem, you shouldn't be looking anyway.

9. No man shall ever be required to buy another man a birthday present.

10. Unless in prison, never fight naked. This includes men not wearing a shirt.

11. Don't let friends wear Speedos...Ever.

12. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his beer.

13. Never hesitate to reach for the last can of beer or slice of pizza, but not both, that's just mean.

14. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him but only in a way that stops you both getting any.

15. If a buddy has an eyelash or other foreign object on his hair or face, you are not allowed to remove it but an appropriate hand gesture is allowed.

16. No man shall ever watch the following programmes on TV,..... Figure Skating, Men's Gymnastics, sports involving women, (unless the women are sexy).

17. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist it is an understood accident, NO apologies or reference to the incident is necessary.

18. No man shall allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons, Rockie films or Rambo movies.

19. There is never an occasion that a shirt without buttons should be tucked in.

20. The only time a man may cry is when a heroic dog died trying to save his master or being struck in the balls by an object moving faster than 7 miles an hour.

21. Only in an  empty room, car, etc may two non related males ask is the other is ok just because he isn't talking.

22. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy MUST be caught.

23. No man shall ever keep count of the amount of beers he has had in a night. A reasonable guess will be accepted in the morning.

24. If you jiggle it more than three times, you're playing with.

25. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil/ lotion.

26. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

27. If you say 'ouch' you are a wuss.

28. Last but not least, it is the God given right of every man to assist any other man that may need assistance to obtain the holy grail...a threesome ( with 2 women).

Here is an interesting ( strange) fact...if you tickle the same rat every day, eventually it will soon start laughing as soon as it sees you.

Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.  la la la.

UNFIT FOR PURPOSE

I had my break in a Coastal room that has been deemed fit for use. Trust me when I tell that this room is absolutely not fit for anyone to dine there and get any rest.
The room is about the size of the back of a Transit van. I am not the tallest of people as you know but I could touch the ceiling.
It is basically a small portacabin powered by a diesel generator which is very loud and very smelly.
3 people would struggle to fit in there comfortably and two people would still not have adequate space. The generator is noisy but you can switch it off however, when you do the kettle and the microwave don't work.
They have supplied bottled water but with this nice weather the water is warm.
The smell of the diesel eventually gives you a headache and you then stand outside to get fresh air. Then if the smell doesn't give you  a headache the noise will.
Then the fact that they placed it next to a taxi rank makes you wonder which clever dick made that decision when you have 20 to 30 cab drivers asking to use the loo.
Ah yes the loo. It is as small as a loo on Ryanair and older than the sky. It is proper nasty. If you sit down for a poo your knees rub on the door and there is no way to wipe your arse without opening the door which let's all the people in the beer garden opposite see what you are doing.
It really does not make you feel like the valued member of staff they keep saying we are.
Anyway I am going to E mail all the reps to complain now and hopefully something will get Done. Hello Mr Peglar.
Please buy my E book A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, more than 11000 key's are lost in tubes and buses in the UK every year. la la la

THIS MORNING WAS RUBBISH

This morning started badly. What I am about to write is the absolute truth and I can honestly I ain't had a day go this wrong in years.
The fuckhead driving the mini cab this morning took a wrong turn even though I told him the route. Go over Lambeth Bridge and there are two options, go straight ahead for Horseferry road or turn left go along the Embankment to Vauxhall Bridge road. Not this flaccid prick, he turned right. I asked him what he was doing and he said it was the way . I pointed out the the station was now behind us but he tapped the console and said ' rate nav sat nav '
Ok no problem I thought, there is still time. We drove down Victoria street but at Vauxhall Bridge road he carried straight on. ' Where the hell are you going? I asked, I said fuck but im being polite for the delicate readers.
He said ' I take you to black gate' ' what black gate? I want the car park'
He replied ' no no black gate is good'
Ok I thought, lets see how this pans out.
He drove me around the one way system and eventually stopped outside the station in Buckingham Palace road.
The gates were locked ( it was 4am after all) 'here you go' he said. 'the gates are locked you dumb fuck I said, now turn this fucker round  and take me to the station car park.
After some deliberation he finally agreed and I guided him to the car park. He was actually pleased because hadn't been there before.
It gets even worse from there.
I get to my train and it has a Not To Move board on it. I called Control and they said it must have been a forgetful cleaner and they would get it removed.
This is at 0420, I'm supposed to leave at 0435. At 0432 I called the signaller and told him I was waiting for the board to be taken off. He said 'that's ok driver, you can do it', there were some workers down there last night they must have forgotten to remove It, you have my permission to do so
I said ' no thanks I will stick to the rule book and wait'. He protested vigorously but I hung up.
0445 I call Control again and they can't find out who put the board up. 0450 and Control tell me a track worker did it and was now in his car half way home and they were trying to get someone in authority to assist.
0500, I get told to change trains. No problem, I'm on platform 12 there is a train on platform 10. I inform the passengers and we all trudge round to platform 10. Guess what? No bloody train. I call Control and they said it will be there in 4 minutes.
4 minutes later train comes in only it's 12 coaches long, I should have 4.
The driver of this train was late for his break so I said I would do the detachment. Platform staff told me Control wanted me to take 8 coaches as more punters had turned up. I did the split only to be told to take the original 4 coaches. I am still calm at this point as my coffee was still warm . I reattach then split the train and set up the front 4 coaches. It is now 0515.
As we leave I asked the Signaller if we were stopping all stations as booked he said yes.
First stop is Clapham junction. At Clapham a platform guy gives me a special not to call form. Due to late running the train now will only call at East Croydon and Gatwick. Now I am fucked off. I have a train full of people and 9 stations I ain't stopping at, they are going to go mental.
Still, I make the announcement and through the thick fire proof doors I hear lots if swearing and shouting.
Anyway, it's 0525 and off we go.
I told my trainee that I would pick him up at Horley but now we ain't stopping and I can't use my phone.
He is quite clever I thought to myself , he will meet me at Gatwick.
As I sail through a deserted Horley because all the punters had followed station staff advice and got the replacement bus service to Gatwick, imagine my dismay that the only silly bollox standing on the empy platform was my trainee watching a train that ain't stopping leave him behind in the cold.
I picked him up on the way back and politely asked why the fuck he didn't get on the bus he looked all forlorn and said 'I thought you would stop'.
Anyway the morning slightly improved when he bought my breakfast.
If the track worker is reading this I hope you feel like the big rancid turd you are, for ruining the morning for so many people you big bag of wet shit.
Please buy my E book A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, Every self service screen tested at McDonald's in the UK was found to have fecal matter on them. Every single one, uurgh.
La la la

WHAT A DAY

What a day today has been. I woke up to see that the weather was quite shitty, it was that bad I thought I had woken up in a Coastal place.
I was in the shower and I saw a spider. I killed that spider. Not because it was in my shower staring at my naked body but because it saw me masturbating.
Now masturbating isn't a crime in the privacy of one's own home and lots of people enjoy a good tug before work but I didn't want the spider to go and tell all his mates and then one morning find half a dozen spiders in my shower hoping to catch me tugging away. No witness no crime is my motto.

Anyway the weather was quite shitty and I looked out my patio window and saw that next door had hung some washing out a few days ago and now a blanket had been blown into my garden. Being a good neighbour I trampled it a bit then threw back over the fence.
The thing about not going Coastal is that they then travel up here. I was in the crew room enjoying a coffee and in walks this Coastal guy whose hair looked like astro turf. It was the worst hair covering I have seen in a long time.
He said hello (we have met before), and sat down. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up. I asked him why he rolled up his sleeves and he said he didn't like long sleeves so I suggested short sleeve shirts instead. He looked at me like I had just discovered a new moon and started Googling shirt shops.
So before going out to do a bit I needed a wee. I stood at the urinal to places away from another guy and we heard someone talking on the phone in a cubicle. I said loudly to the other guy 'how the fuck can you talk on the phone whilst taking a shit?' Before he could answer the dirty got in the cubicle shouted 'mind your own business thid is an important call'.
I called him a woman's reproductive part and left (yes I washed my hands first).
Anyway I've got to go for a haircut so finish this later.

Please buy my ebook A Clean Week.

Interesting fact the 1st Mcdonalds only sold hotdogs!

IS IT JUST ME?

Is it just me or have we gone mad. A footballer I have never heard of is missing in a plane crash. The search continues but the plane went missing days ago and has not been seen or heard from, ergo, dead footballer.
What I don't understand is that this multi millionaire footballer sent a message prior to boarding saying the little aircraft didn't look safe and he was worried. My message to the dead guy is serves you right. You have enough money to change planes and you should have but now you are missing obviously dead and the team you just signed for are 15 million quid out of pocket.
Recently a 14 year old boy was knocked off 'his' moped and stabbed to death. Tragic yes but contrary to what his awful parents say, he was no angel.
Firstly he was to young to be riding s moped, secondly it was stolen so therefore not his and thirdly why didn't they stop him from riding it?
A lot of the blame lies with them.
Donald Trump is still the world's biggest vagina.
Theresa May is looking very tired. She must know that no one likes her. I don't see her being prime minister much longer and that stuck up over privileged twat David Cameron says he is sorry that we are in this pickle.
The problem is that this country voted to leave. You can't keep having votes until you get the result you like.
It's worse than playing at Old Trafford.
Man Utd keep playing past the 90 minutes Mark until they equalise or score the winner.
We should tell the EU mob to sod off. We want out, we're getting out get used to it.
I saw one MP with hair like a cancer patient wearing a ridiculous suit saying we won't be able to afford holidays after Brexit. What bollox.
The world changed after 9/11 and will change again after Brexit. No it didn't and no it won't.
After 9/11  America got nervous about visiters to the country and went mental and got paranoid and Brexit just means the rest of Europe will have to finally admit they don't like us.
Anyway on the plus side I am off today and tomorrow which means no Coastal.
I am surfing through Netflix trying to find something to watch and I have just had a delicious steak dinner. (and some wine).
It's bloody cold out so I am staying in, and tomorrow looks like another lazy day too.
Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact...Neil Armsrongs boots are still floating around in space. la la la

HONOURS LIST

What a crock of shit that Honours List is. How the hell has Harry Kane been given an Honour for scoring 5 goals at the World cup?
Firstly, England were in the easiest group and they still struggled, and secondly, Kane gets 200 grand a week to score goals, it's his bloody job.
I am not a fan of Harry Kane, I can never understand what he is saying, he mumbles like a white Mike Tyson.
Have you seen the size of his nose? There is no way I'm sharing my powder with that human Hoover.
Southgate is getting an Honour too for making waistcoats fashionable again and for get some over paid divas to the semi final.
I remember him missing that penalty and crying like a bitch then to add insult to injury he takes a bucket load of cash to make a pizza advert.
Officially he is being recognised for his dedication to the sport. WTF.
I know someone who has been a teacher for 40 years, where is his reward? I know someone who has been a nurse for over 30 years, where is her reward? I know someone who has swept roads for 30 years, where is his reward? The Honours list is a joke.
I haven't killed any ginger haired people for over 40 years, where is my reward?
Last night on the news it was said that the number of fat kids is increasing since they cut back on exercise classes for children so that the over weight slow ones don't feel pressured. In that case do away with maths and science so the stupid kids don't feel pressured either.
I am currently heading Coastal (grrr) and I am reminded of something I read in the paper last week.
This guy wrote to the Guardian newspaper to complain that on the recommendation of their film critic he watched a suggested film. He wrote 'I sat through an hour and 40 minutes of total and utter boredom and no longer trust your critic'.
Don't know about you but if I am totally bored after 20 minutes I switch over. Having said that, this guy lives in a Coastal area so is probably to daft to work the remote control.
Ryanair has once again been voted a crappy airline. I don't suppose the guy who owns it cares, he is still making a fortune from the muppets who keep using his company.
One woman wrote that she has used Ryanair about a dozen times and each time she has been disgusted by the service.
Well madam, more fool you. If I don't like it the first time, I might try a second time and if it still sucks then I will pay a bit more and try another airline.
I am currently heading to the Sunshine Coast and it is dark cold and wet. I doubt if I will see one shred of common sense there as everyone seems to love walking around wearing crocs and shorts all year round trying to catch seagulls at the train station.
On a brighter note, dry January is going well for me, not for the people I keep telling I'm sober to but I just like to feel smug sometimes.
It would be interesting if the punter could get a look at the crew rooms early in the morning and see which drivers they trust. There are some very heavy eyelids at the coffee machine most mornings.
Anyway, I have am arriving at Doofus Central so I will let you know if I survive unscathed later.
Please buy my E book A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, Waterloo Bridge is also known as Ladies bridge because it was built mainly by women.
la la la

2019 SAME OLD SHIT

2019 has started and it looks like continuing like 2018. The same lazy idle workshy malingerers are still not driving trains, Donald Trump is still the world's biggest vagina, Boris Johnson still looks like something that came out of Trumps arse. Theresa May still has terrible dress sense and Corbyn needs a buy new tie and lose the anorak.
There has been an increase in migrants crossing the Channel in small inflatables which is sad and a terrible choice for them to have to make. I believe in sending them straight back but to be honest, if they can get across in a ridiculously small craft their country should call them back and put them straight into their Olympic water sports team.
Brexit is chugging along very badly and is making this great country a laughing stock.
We need to spend more on our military, more on our fire service, more on our police and pay nurses more.
We need to change the criminal justice system. If you get done for any crime, the length given should be the length served, no time off for good behaviour, if you get two years you should serve two years and life for murder should mean life.
Also, anyone being a drunken twat at A&E departments at the weekend should be sent home without treatment, the staff don't deserve that kind of abuse. Did I mention Trump is a big vag?
Getting really annoyed with Chris Grayling, was hoping he fell under a bus for Christmas, (still hoping).
My Christmas was lovely, got loads of stuff I don't need and loads of stuff I don't want.
I am going sober for January, my 5th year doing it. I like the healthy feeling it brings but I get very violent dreams when I go to bed sober, the voices in my head keep telling me who to kill, shoot or set on fire.
Played golf today and played really well (if really well means like a one armed blind man).
Sky Movie channel is disappointing. They boast a new movie every day but it's either a cartoon or arty farty foreign subtitled one and I like to watch my films not read them.
Most of the football pundits reckon this season Liverpool will win it. My Spurs mate said he can't wait to see Spurs lift the trophy. I told him he had more chance of seeing a white Uber driver.
My Korean neighbours have invited me to a BBQ, this weekend which is strange because I thought they would still be upset that their dog went missing yesterday.
Anyway, I am going out so you lot can go and amuse yourselves for the time being.
If you are Wesley, don't mention his hair. He says he is mid 30s but the hair says otherwise.
Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, Arnold Sweatynickers earned £20,000 per word for his role in Terminator 2. (nearly as much as a tube driver).

THE POPE

The Pope is to resign. Got to be honest, I really don't care. Whatever the reason, be it his health or his age or maybe he is just bored of wearing a dress and meeting poor people. I was obviously a little surprised because Popes don't usually resign, they are usually pushed around in a trolley being made to do all the stuff that Popes do until the last bit of dribble has left their lips. Do you remember the last Pope? They carted him all over the globe with dribble and snot leaking from his face and probably a full incontinance pad under his skirt until he finally stopped breathing. At least the current Pope has given his notice, now the sensible thing to do would be to appoint a new Pope so that one can leave on friday and the other start on the monday. This current Pope is 85, in any job its a bit much to ask someone to do a full shift. And what with his advanced age it must have been extremely difficult chasing and catching alter boys. Anyway, he has done the right thing in my opinion, let someone younger fly around the world meeting strangers and racking up airmiles. Let this current Pope retire to a nice rest home with a few hand picked choir boys to keep him happy until he pops off to the big church in the sky. I say we should get someone way younger, someone like the Fonz. Can you imagine how cool that would be? And it would certainly boost the church's image. I don't understand why a lot of people were crying at the news, maybe they are just sad people who were crying just to be on telly. Anyway I am available to take up the job if they want me but I still say a Fonz like character is the way forward. Whatever happens, what are the odds of than dim wit Beckham sticking his unwanted opinion in the media. His new advert for his brand of pants was just that, pants. He used a front double, a bum double, someone else dived into the pool and did the swimming he just stood there with his misspelt tattoos looking gormless. please buy my E book, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, the bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps. La la la.

GREAT MANAGEMENT

They are some people who are born great, some people achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them. I don't know who 'they' are but sometimes they talk a load of cobblers. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies toilet and he turned out to be great (he was also a fat bald alcoholic with a paranoid hatred of foreigners) but he still turned to be great. I just wonder where they got that bunch of clowns I work for. Working where I work is like working for a bunch of Homer Simpsons with Inspector Cleauseau as the man in charge of team building and inspiration. Two people can make the same mistake and be treated with completely differently and yet two people can make the same mistake and have the same manager and still be treated completely differently. It would cause Stephen Hawkin to quit and retire he if he was asked to explain how my company works. I concur that every company has shirkers, malingerers and just down right stroke pulling lazy idle bastards but at my firm these are the ones that get rewarded. Where I work, you are seen as stupid if you turn up on time every day, do a days work and go home. Where I work, there are stoke pullers who blatantly take the piss on a daily basis and laugh at management and yet management (and I use that word loosely) just don't seem to have any idea what to do. Genuine problems are seen as a reason to hassle and chase you and tell you that your job is at risk yet if you ring up and say you can't come in because Santa is stuck in your chimney they seem to believe you. We have one guy who has worked, ha I mean he has been taking money under false pretences for nearly a decade and yet for half that time he has just swanned around pretending to be ill yet when one person had a road accident and needed surgery, they wanted the operation video taped as proof. One guy said he was in constant pain yet passed a medical for a new job. Luckily he was/is a bit of a dullard so he is no loss but you get the picture. Yes, I have pulled the odd stroke but like every normal person its a rare occasion when Arsenal are on telly or there is free booze. I'm not jealous of these lazy bone idle dirt munching toerags I just wish our management would do something about it. Its not the company they are hurting its the poor schmucks who have to pick up the slack. I honestly see one of these idle shits being found beaten to a pulp in the locker room. In an ideal world someone with some real power and sense will stand up in the boardroom and dispose of the collective clown college we call management. I'm sorry for ranting but today something happened to someone I care about and I saw the spud who did it standing in an over coat that is clearly at least two sizes too small grinning like a retard at his reflection in a glass door. He was waiting for 'the other guy' to let him in. We are being run by jellyheads who have never worked on our frontline. Somebody asked me today where's this book you keep promising about this job. The problem I have is that everyday there is a new crazier chapter to add on. Please buy my e-book A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, all mammals have jaws but only humans have chins. La la la diddley see.

EGG SANDWICHES

Today im coastal. It was cold and frosty last night and this morning I had to demist my car windows, ( its a posh car and didnt take long but thats not the point ). There seems to be an awful lot of coastal munters wearing flip flops and long cut down shorts. Im very well wrapped up and im still cold and yet these dillybuds are swanning around like its positively mild. Anyway , I was standing the sandwich kiosk waiting for some toast and a cup of tea, ( they use cheap tea bags here but its the only place open ) and some bloke just walked to me and asked me what I like to have with my egg sandwiches. I lloked at him a bit bemused and he said that he is trying to get fit and wants to eat healthy food. I told him bacon with eggs are quite nice and he called me a liar. I replied by telling him to go away ( not that nicely) and he said that I looked like someone who went to the gym so probably didnt eat bacon because it was fried. I told him you can grill bacon and have scrambled eggs but he said he didnt believe me when I said I ate bacon. I asked him if I looked like a muslim or something like that and he said ' whats a muslim supposed to look like? ' which is a fair question so again I said' look mate I aint from around here so eat what you like but leave me alone you nutjob' he replied ' I suppose you want the gym to yourself you selfish bastard' I looked at him and said ' go away you mental retard you need to find a rubber room and lock yourself in ' just then my toast and tea arrived and I showed it to him and said ' look, no eggs or bacon' he gasped and said 'are eggs and bacon bad to eat should I just have toast? I laughed and said ' Yes you dingus, buy lots of bread and eat lots of toast, nothing but toast, just be be sure dont even have butter, just dry toast, all day every day' . He ordered some toast and I walked away laughing. I hate being coastal. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, Armadilloes can walk under water. La la la.