WORKMEN IN SHORTS

Why are most workmen complete muppets? Why do they feel the need to walk around in shorts with some sort of utility belt slung around their waist and a pencil behind one ear? Scaffolders are the worst. They drive around four to a lorry and whistling at women and laughing at puerile jokes. I never understood the phrase 'show us yer tits' because even if a woman wanted to, by the time she had disrobed, the lorry with its collection of idiots is way down the road so they miss the boob show. And why do scaffold lorries block the road outside the cafe? These inconsiderate morons just do care about any other road user. But its not just scaffolders who live like brain dead zombies. Most tradesmen think that wearing shorts and tan work boots makes them look macho. Its a look that is becoming more and more common on our streets. Window cleaners, delivery men even cab drivers have adopted this pikey redneck look and its not good. Its even worse if the guy is a bit fat and has a stupid tattoo covering most of one leg. I recently had workmen doing some home improvements at my house and I have to say never a motley looking group of silly stupid daft men had got together to attempt a days work. They turned up late after going to the cafe first. They had the regulation newspapers for morons, The Sun and The Daily Sport, each had a tape measure and a chewed pencil, khaki shorts and tan coloured boots. They tried to impress me with their talk about pipes and gauges and how everything was 150ml these days and how cheap imported labour was 'ruining the game'. Personally from the moment they knocked on the door I stopped listening. I said the the pencil in charge 'look mate, I aint interested in any of your sexist or racist or pretend macho crap, You can have a cup of coffee then I want you to crack on. I expect you do what I'm paying you for and I won't be paying if I aint happy. If you need to fuck off to B and Q to pick something up I don't expect all four of you to go and I don't want to hear any excuses' This stunned them but it had the desired effect. They worked fairly hard and did the job. They didn't tidy up too well but I can live with that. As they packed their stuff away I was again drawn to their attire. Bearing in mind we are in the throes of winter I wondered why they chose shorts instead of long trousers. They wear shorts but thick jumpers and hats. It boggles the mind. Anyway, I think workmen rate themselves too highly and I'm not surprised cheap labour is on the rise. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact , in the 1600s thermometers were filled with brandy instead of mercury. La la la

DRYATHON 2013

Up yours Dryathon, kiss my arse Dryanuary. You gave me a challenge and I took it. I took your challenge and I kicked its arse. I went through the whole month without a single drop of the good stuff. Yes for all you tree hugging sandal wearing lentil eating carrot crunching beardy weirdies I feel better, yes I lost weight, although not as much as I hoped, yes I slept better and apparently I will live a little longer. But fuck you. There were times when I wanted to punch someone and there were times I needed punching. I clucked for a drink on so many occasions I asked myself if the smug superior pious feeling I had mid morning was worth the grumpy snappy angry dry throaty wish I was dead feeling that watching a football match sober cos I'm trying to be good was worth the hassle. I like drinking. I really like drinking. I like being sober and smug and seeing my mates being pissed and having fun and laughing their heads off at mundane shit made me question my goal and to be honest I'm still none the wiser. Some silly prick said I should treat it like a time machine to good health. Well what a shitty time machine that was. I got in on Jan one and didn't drink at all and it took thirty one days to take a thirty one day journey to sobriety. Well I have news for you, I had two wonderful cans of my favourite lady (Stella) and it felt good, oh so good. Yes like I said I lost weight and yes I trained a bit harder and longer than I did in December. However, I look better feel better and my sex life is better (I wank more) but what a bastard long month January 2013 was. The end result physically and mentally was worth it it but the stress and pressure physically and mentally was equally strenuous. I watched football matches sober and I watched movies sober and they were hard work. Alcohol is like a lover. When you're getting it, its lovely and wrong and oh so delicious. But when you aint its a dirty bitch and you hope it falls over and hurts itself. Anyway, I took the challenge and I won. I won, I didn't drink for the whole of the month and I even had beer and wine in the fridge. They are probably being drunk as you read this but I kicked Dryathlons arse. Yes I did and I have witnesses. Please by my E book, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, Peru has more pyramids than Egypt. La la la . Dryathlon/Dryanuary, I took the challenge and I won.

TRADESMEN

Tradesmen, Who do they think they are? If you are paying for a service, shouldn't you be the one dictating the rules? I like my house, no actually, I love my house, I aint over joyed at the area it in but when I shut my door, its my castle and I'm the king. I have to have some work done on my house and I have had to call in some workmen whose do these types of hands on get dirty jobs. I don't do these kinds of jobs because even though you may find this hard to believe, I am actually quite useless at walking around with a pencil behind my ear and my arse hanging out of my tracksuit bottoms. Anyway these guys were supposed to be here at 8 o'clock yesterday and turned up nearer 11. The excuse they gave me was that they were held up on another job. I asked the the man with the biggest pencil what job could he possibly have been doing to get held up on when he should have been at my house at 8am and guess what? The fat arsed idiot didn't have an answer. Anyway they spent most of their time getting prepared to start work and I must admit they looked like they knew what they were doing. Oh silly me, silly silly me, no sooner had they prepped everything and moved stuff out the way and drilled holes ready to be filled and cover most services with dust and scratched their heads and arses collectively, fat arse number two decided he needed a bigger better more noisier gadget to do something even more spectacular to impress me that they all needed to fuck off to B and Q and get one each and have lunch on the way back. This little jaunt took the best part of two hours and when they came back having had what must have been the biggest lunch ever going by the amount of tomato sauce spilt down their shirts they were too fucked to do any work. So after some more drilling and lots of swearing and lots of them saying to each other 'have you got a 7 ml this or an 8 ml that, or come and hold this for me, or shine your torch over here a minute' not much progress was being made. Shortly after what seemed like ages their working day was up. They said they could tidy up a bit but would it be alright to leave their gear where it was so they could get an early start today. I agreed but I took the big pencil guy to one side and told him that him and his guys need to be here bang on 8 o clock or I won't be happy, I told him if he was late I would throw his stuff in the street and get a different crew in to finish the work. He assured me that they would be here on time and do a bang up job. Well whack me with a stick covered in shit cos at 8 o'clock they were here and stormed into work. I was so gobsmacked I forgot to have a tissue moment. Anyway they buzzed around banging drilling swearing stopping to make phone calls and drunk most of my coffee and now they have started rubbing their stomachs talking about bacon sandwiches and The Daily Sport newspaper. It seems that in a tradesmens life, lunch gets earlier and longer every day. The cost of the job has stayed the same but they might need an extra day maybe two. I suggested less lunch hours and working past two in the afternoon but the guy looked at me like I had just asked for a blow job in front of his mates. It looks like my castle is going to be a noisy mess for a few days but hopefully it will look even nicer when its finished. It would have been a great opportunity to finish my writing but the guy with the third biggest arse switched the power off to play around with my power shower. Anyway I will keep you posted on how things go, I am doing well on my dryathon, only a couple more days to go. Please buy my Ebook, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact. The Titanic cost $7 million dollars to build and they spent $200 million making a film about it. La la la diddley dee.

WHY OH WHY

Why oh why did I decide to try and go through January alcohol free? Today I have six days left and I am doing my utmost to resist and if I say so myself I am doing extremely well because I have not touched a drop. I have trained extremely hard as well this month. I have trained so far on average better then every other day this month. On one day, I went to the gym in the morning, then I played golf then in the evening I had a spin class, so that was a good health day. But I digress, can I say again that so far this month I have not had a single drop of alcohol and I feel awesome. I feel better inside, I'm sleeping very well, I have much more energy, my skin is softer and less wrinkled, my taste buds are tingling again and my mental acuity is bang on. Having said that I'm walking around like an angry bear with nappy rash, I'm growling and snapping at everyone, nothing makes me chuckle and I'm clucking for a drink. Six long bloody days to go and I assure you on that sixth day do not stand between me and my fridge because I will trample you to death to get my hands on the beer currently sitting on the door shelf waiting for their inevitable demise. So what else has been happening on my sober journey. Well now that I'm going to work sober, I don't seem to enjoy the job as much. Those coastal munters are even more horrendous to look at and twice as unbearable to be around. The weather has been abysmal. Who the feck likes snow? I hate snow, always have always will. I don't even buy Christmas cards with snow on. It never ceases to amaze me when I watch the news and see people who are bonkersmental going out in extreme snow conditions and getting so stuck they have to call out the emergency services. These morons should sign waivers saying that they do these daft dangerous things in full awareness that rescuers will not be sent to get them out of any difficulty they may get into. I see the ginger prince is in trouble for saying killing the enemy is like playing video games. If what he said was so offensive, why was it aired on tv? What about the video of the soldier being beheaded by the Taliban, wasn't that? The telly is full of adverts for holidays, am I the only one who finds those adverts dumb and boring? The telly has been awash with rehashed programmes and I think this years biggest turkey is the new Yes Prime Minister. Many years ago when the milk snatcher was Prime Minister the show was fairly amusing, the new version is so bad words fail me to describe how fucking awful it is, oh hang on, there we go, the new show is fucking awful. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am still here and will be back to full ranting in just over a week but some things never change, there are some people who I still dislike immensely, (Jay Brook, Ken Livingston, Boris Johnson, Nick Clegg and Russell Brand, the Beckhams are still irritating on a global level and the French are still being French). You will be pleased to know my next two books are close to completion, so please buy my E book, A Clean Week. Here are two interesting facts. 1. pumice is the only rock that floats and 2. if you count one second at a time it will take eleven and a half days to reach one million. la la la diddley dee.

COMMUNAL DUMPS

I was coastal today. The weather as usual was grim. Christmas is as far as I am concerned well and truly over so why are those coastal cretins still displaying tinsel and why are the cheap crackers still on the table. Anyway, there I was minding my own business trying not to show fear and all I could hear from behind my newspaper was some jelly head trying out the ring tones on his new phone. Don't get me wrong, we have all done it, we get a new better phone and we like to play around with it and boast about how cool it is and go through every ring tone until we find the one we like or the one that will be most annoying to others. After about ten minutes of listening to this moron telling his fellow morons how he can use this new fangled contraption to talk to other people who are in a different room, I decided I needed to have a Forest. I went to the loo but being the shy retiring type. I can't pooh if someone is in the cubicle next to me so I had to wait. Five minutes later I tried again and just my luck, there were other people using the stalls. I kept going in and out for ages until after about twenty minutes I could wait no longer as it felt like I had Mount Vesuvius about to fall from my rear end (arse). Only one stall was being used so I went into one at the other end. No sooner had I sat down when I heard "Hello". I was a bit shocked and kept quiet. Then I heard "Hello, say something" so I said "Er hello". the voice then said, "Wow this phone is great its like we are in the same room" . Well that was it, damn these coastal hillbillies, I finished what I was doing and was washing my hands when the moron with the phone emerged from his stall, he flushed and walked straight out. I found him in the crew room handing his phone to people who were pretending to use the phone by putting to their ears. He looked at me and said, "do you want to try it?" I replied "No thanks, I think its disgusting to use a phone whilst having a shit and you didn't wash your hands". Just then there was a crash and a wallop as the person who was holding the phone dropped it and looked at the moron and called him a filthy fecking dirtbag. Moron almost cried as he picked up the remnants of his phone and muttered something about taking out a grievance. Please don't use a phone whilst having a dump, its not a nice thing to do although a few years ago I did see someone take a cup of tea in with them, uurgh. Please by my E book, A Clean Week, by Ola West. Here is an interesting fact, fingernails grow four times faster than toe nails. la la la

NEW YEARS EVE

Well folks, tonight is the night. 2012 will finally be over and can I say good riddance to all that rain. Having said that, it has pissed down all day. We went to the supermarket earlier to pick up one or two items for what will be our delicious dinner later before we go out and have a fantastic evening. The bloody supermarket was ram packed with people doing their shopping, not just bits and pieces shopping but proper full on shopping, it was just ridiculous. I can never understand men who drive their wives to the shop and then sit and wait in the car. My good leprechaun friend Steve Coe does that. He was a London Driver but unfortunately couldn't stay because he has ginger hair. He now works coastal, he is the nicest guy on the planet and fair play to him, even though he lives coastal and has the wrong hair he simply refuses to grow an extra finger on each hand. Deep down he is still a London boy but ginger hair is ginger hair, its not normal, I love him but I don't want to catch the hair disease. I received a Christmas gift today, I ordered it in early December for a guaranteed delivery before Christmas and it came today. It amazes me that expensive stuff ordered online takes ages to deliver but when I recently ordered some real cheap shit for my mother in law I was still on the phone when the doorbell rang and the postman handed me the crap. I hope 2013 will be a better year for all my friends and I hope all the people I don't like end up broke living in Middlesborough. Next year will be great for me because it just will. Enjoy your new years eve, me and mine will, we always do. Next year I will do bigger better blogs, tell your friends if you have some. Here is two, I am doing two because its my gift for the new year. Interesting fact number one, in a recent restaurant survey, married men tip better than single men, and interesting fact number two, there is enough library books in the world for everyone on the planet to have one each. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week by Ola West. Have a great year. la la la

2012

2012 is nearly over, and can I just say good riddance. What year it has been. We lost a good man at our depot, don't get me wrong, he ain't dead, Richard just left for another job. In 2012 it rained, it rained a lot, and then it rained some more. Like everyone else I started the year with good intentions and full of hope. During the year I went to the gym 107 times, I attended 39 spin classes, I ran over 200 miles around the parks and the Marina, and that was without the treadmill miles and I played squash 14 times. But to balance things out I had more than my fair share of take away meals and delicious feats and I afraid I went over and way way beyond the permitted allowance of alcohol, my doctor would not approve (no doctor would)however I still weigh 2lbs less then I was this time last year. I was a bit disappointed with the 2012 Death List, there is over forty names on the list but so far only eleven people have bothered to die. Recently whilst driving through Mitcham I was accosted by a street urchin. He approached my cab and engaged me in conversation, he seemed to be under the impression he knew me, I tried to recall how I knew him but as I looked at his Man Utd track suit top and his West Ham track suit bottoms I just couldn't figure out which council estate he came from. He looked a bit hungry so I gave him the rest of the apple I was eating which brought a huge smile to his face so I also gave him a pound coin and I said don't spend it on drugs and he told me he was going to give it his mum to put on the electric key which I thought was nice. As you know I spent a lot of time coastal which isn't my favourite place, its like being on the set of a weird movie. Michael Caine said appearing in the Muppet movie was weird because you have to pretend these creatures are real but you just have trouble interacting with them. Several things tested my patience, Jaywalkers, they should be dressed in a tall hat so that you can run them over with impunity, Tom Cruise who I quite like has trouble getting on some of the rides at Disney Land some how got the part of Reacher, six foot six, chiselled, good looking and tough (yeah I don't get it either), bastard cyclists with no lights on, car drivers with their fog lights on, Posh and Becks, or as I like to call them Thick and Thin are still the nations most irritating couple and Alex Ferguson is still berating officials when they don't give the decision he wants and Ed Miliband who only took the job so his mum would notice him still looks like a security guard who has heard a noise in an empty warehouse. As the year draws to a close, I still despise Boris and Ken. I would like to wish most of you a happy new year and to those I don't like can sod off. To all my fans at home abroad (OLA WEST INTERNATIONAL)hope you all have a fantastic 2013, there will be a new Death List so suggestions are welcome, I'm off to the moon, la la la diddley dee. Please buy my E book A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, it only takes seven pounds of pressure to rip off a human ear.