GYM KNOBS

I had to work today. Admittedly the first time for a while but I still wasn't looking forward to it. I must have stopped at every station in and around London. Anyway as I was having my coffee before my first trip there was two knob heads in the crew room. One show me yours and I will show you mine. They were discussing their muscles or in my opinion, a lack of. They are a bit scrawny but seem to think they have good bodies. Their conversation flitted around training methods but the gist seemed to be that they joined a gym to letch at gorgeous fit women, apparently both their wives are mingers, unlike me who has a wonderful woman. Anyway I finished my coffee and like I said I must have stopped everywhere. As I tootled around I thought about the two jelly heads and decided to go to the gym later, I normally do a circuit class on a monday but today I felt the need to lift heavy weights. So that was my plan. My day wasn't entirely a blow out cos I bumped into the delightful Chrissy, who looked lovely as always (she is far to good for wotisname). Anyway we had a chat and she sauntered on her way. After giving my pound of flesh to the company I made it to the gym.. There were two guys preening themselves in the mirror before even working out, I left them to it and went off to do a tremendous workout (yes it was so shut up). About ten minutes later these two chaps came in and just started lifting anything and grunting like pigs trying to look macho, they always seemed to be in the way of a female making her change what she was using. Eventually these two dopes ended up on the Smith machine, a good bit of kit if you are weak and useless, but if you are just the nuts like I am you don't need to use it. Anyway one of these guys looks the hippy from Scooby Doo, it takes a real talent to be a white guy with dreadlocks, if you can't you just look trampish and this guy needs to smarten up if he wants to be a tramp. He lay on the bench with his mate as a spotter and started lifting, almost immediately he started screaming, his hair was caught in the machinery. His mate panicked and started yelping. I laughed so hard a bit of pee came out. His mate yelled at me 'stop laughing come and help' my reply was 'bollox, he is your boyfriend, you get him out' he screamed at me 'we aint gay' which made me and the now room full of onlookers laugh harder. Eventually the gym staff got Mr Dreadlocks free and his mate held him like a wounded soldier and took him to the changing rooms, as they left one of the women said 'you hold him like you are gay' and we laughed some more. I finished my workout which would ruin some men half my age and went for a shower, well fuck me these two men were still preening in the mirror, the looked at me and were about to say something but they thought better of it. I decided to shower at home, my shower is better anyway and I left. I have been using gyms for years and I hate to see people not taking it seriously, its no place for mobile phones and you shouldn't work out in jeans and street clothes. I train properly which is why I'm so healthy. If you want to muck about at getting fit use one of the free gyms the councils are putting up in parks, I know too many people who have gym memberships who don't go, its a waste of money. Here is an interesting fact, the average robin lives to be twelve years old. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week, by Ola West. La la la

FAT GOLF

I played golf today. I played golf on Thursday but it was bloody cold and even though I played well I wanted to be better. So I played golf, I was with my bestest and the weather was quite good, it was sunny and mild and and so much better than thursday. Anyway, we turned up and got ready to play. On the first hole, a par three my tee shot reached the edge of the green, a decent chip and an iffy putt followed but a super putt and I was one over. Hole number two and I hit a screamer, it went so far I needed a taxi to get to it. A second decent shot and I was on the green, a par four looked on but being a prick, I muffed it. Anyway I ended up one over. We walked to the third hole and then we saw them. A group of teenagers mucking about playing golf. As always, one or two could play but the other two were proper gimps. Two were dressed properly and the other two were in jeans, yeah, its a shit course. One of the gimpy ones was a fat kid. I don't have a problem with fat kids I just find it funny when they humiliate themselves on a sports field. The snag is, when chubster is holding me up, I get the hump. After golf I was going to have a few beers and a kebab and fat boy was playing extreme zigzag golf. He was bloody rubbish. He looked like the fat one from the Goonies movie. We asked if we could play through but they said no. I was going to smash the flash one over the head with my sand wedge but I was talked out of it. On reflection, it was probably best that I didn't go ape on the four stooges cos it would probably mean (another) night in a police cell this time non neighbour related, and I really am getting fed up with those. So me and my bestie trailed these four bastard bed stains until the ninth hole. Luckily at the ninth hole fat boy and one of the better players wanted a snack and went to the pro shop. So I followed them. Fat boy bought two burgers and a large portion of chips, his mate bought two pizza slices. I offered to buy them if they let me and my bestie play through but the flash one said no. The fat one said I should have turned up earlier and laughed. As we left the shop I held the door open and as they exited, I slammed they door and growled, "listen you pair of %unts, let us play through or I will fecking rape all of you with a nine iron". The fat one caved in straight away the other kid tried to stare me out. I got right up in his face and said, "listen bitch, let us play through or I will let your friends go and just spend the next couple of hours making you eat all the birdshit on the course" He said no again so I bitch slapped him and he cried. I took that as a yes and we played through. My game didn't improve and my bestie wiped the floor with me and my forfeit is to pay the next two times we play. It was a good day, the beer was cold, Arsenal won two nil and I am now waiting for my kebeb, (large mixed with chips hold the salad add lemon juice).Here is an interesting fact, cats have four layers of whiskers. Please buy my E book, A Clean week. la la la diddley dee everyone's gone to the moon. Boris Johnson is fat, Ken Livingston looks like a paedo and David Beckham has misspelt all his tattoes. I am not interested in the new royal baby. A big hello to our friend Richard Bailey.

REST DAY WORKING

Today was supposed to be my day off. the thing about days off is that one day is never enough and the one you have isn't long enough. I have so much to do that I was behind before I woke up. I forgot I had arranged to play squash, I had booked my car in for a service, I needed to get a part replaced on my motorbike, I have two loads of washing to do, I want to go to the market and do some shopping, I need to have a good tidy up around the house, I want to flip my mattress and amongst all that I was hoping for a gym session and to meet a mate for some beer. I put a load in the washing machine and took my car to the garage, I noticed it only has a quarter of a tank so I decided to fill up first. As I queued up to pay for the fuel I'm standing behind a young lad, the cashier looked at the kid and then looked at a wanted poster with several faces on it, he decides that this kid is on there and chases him out the shop and down the road. So that was ten minutes wasted. I drive to the garage and thanks to that fat blubbery bastard Boris Johnson, my area is plagued with roadworks so the journey took three times as long. When I got there the mechanic was out on a call out so I had to wait another twenty minutes. being a clever bastard I didn't have a coat and it was a long two mile freezing walk home. When I got home I had forgotten to switch the washing machine on so that was more time wasted. My mate Richard Bailey who I was going to meet for a drink later rang me and said he couldn't make it because he needed to go and buy new slippers. At last that gave me some time back, he can't hold his drink anyway and it gets embarrassing when he gets tipsy and starts singing Barry Manilow songs. I started dusting and very soon got bored with that so I started hovering instead and got bored with that even sooner. I rang the bike shop and they can't do my bike until the weekend which is a bummer. I emptied the washing machine and hung it out, I put a load of my sons washing in which confusingly has a pair of his girlfriends knickers in (no I didn't have a sniff)' I put the second load in and decided I had done enough so I took some steak out of the freezer for later and went to the gym. I had a massive workout and felt awesome, but my euphoria was short lived because their showers were cold. I went home via the off licence and got home smelly with 8 cans of deliciousness. I had a shower and cracked open a beer. I dumped myself on the sofa and put on a box set of The Shield. By the time I opened my fourth can I knew the rest of my day was not going to be very productive. I wasted some tissue (no not watching the shield) and sent out for a takeaway, the steak will keep until tomorrow. So that's more or less a waste of a day off. Here is an interesting fact, women on the pill blink thirty percent more than women who are not. Please buy my E.book. A clean Week. la la la

THE SWEENEY

Today I was coastal. It's not my favorite place. I am no fan of old people with ginger hair and I don't like seagulls. Anyway as luck would have it I had to have my break there and just outside the station is a cafe that sometimes has tomato sauce and sometimes doesn't. I was peckish and the two chicken rolls, packet of smokey bacon crisps and a twix hadn't filled me up so I went outside to buy a bacon and egg roll. The bloody place was closed and the sign in the window said 'gone for more butter, back in ten minutes'. I was a bit miffed but decided to go back to the crew room and have a coffee. As I walked back to the station I saw a man in his twenties carrying a surf board and as I watched him I noticed he wasn't dressed for surfing and just then a gust of wind blew him and the surf board over. I helped him to his feet and asked if he was ok and he said yeah I'm off to the pictures. I looked at my watch and it was only 09.25 so I asked whats with the surf board and he said its his mums but she doesn't use it anymore so he was dropping it off at a charity shop. I asked what film he was going to see and he said he was going to the Darby and Joan special to see The Sweeney. I told him I had seen it and that it wasn't all that great and fuck me I thought he was going to cry. He said it had taken him two weeks to get his mum to let him see it on his own and wanted it to be great. I told him I didn't think it was all that but maybe he would enjoy it. Anyway I let the silly div go on his way and I went to the crew room and made a coffee. Whilst I was there I saw a coastal bloke who I vaguely knew and we got talking. I told him about the jelly head with the surf board and about him going to see 'The Sweeney' and this guy said ' oh my God, best film ever 'I said 'you are joking' and he replied 'nah, I fooking loved it, Ray Winstone and Plan B are the best coppers ever, very realistic and bang on as to how coppers should be'. Well I nearly had a shit and dropped my coffee, I said to this guy ' are you telling me you thought the film was realistic ?. And he said ' yeah I thought it was aces' .I wanted to slap this dope but I remained calm and said 'what made you think it was realistic?' And he said the way they dished out the violence to the bad guys like the real sweeney did in the old days. I said 'listen silly bollox, cops didn't dish out baseball bat style beatings back then and they fucking sure as hell don't do it now, the character played by Plan B would never have even got through the doors of the police academy he was too thick and Ray Winstone is the same in every movie he has ever made' this muppet looked at me and said 'that's how the pigs are down here thats why we have a low crime rate in this town' I looked at him and shook my head. I said 'you have a low crime rate because this town is Gods waiting room, its full off old doddery bastards and coffin dodgers, you have two police officers and its more like a Tommy Cooper sketch living down here' He looked at me and said 'why don't you fuck off back to London we don't need your sort down here slagging us off'. I said to him 'ok I will go back to London after my break but do me a favour after I'm gone, go and see a shrink you dumb donut, I cant believe you are allowed out on your own'. I don't like it coastal, its like being on another planet. the Sweeney is an ok film but it aint great, its a waste of ninety minutes to anyone with an IQ north of sixty. Here is an interesting fact, emus are unable to walk backwards. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week. La la la

VERY ANNOYED

Today reading the Metro I am well and truly annoyed. Some low life burglar has been spared jail because some soppy old judge who is well past his sell by date has let him off if he promises to tidy his room. How the fecking hell has this been allowed to happen? This judge should instantly removed from sitting in charge of any more cases and be sent to a retirement home. We are now stuck with another scummy shitbag running around free to commit more crimes. It makes me very angry that we can jail a soldier for owning a gun that was given to him as a gift but some dirty rotten council estate cockroach can commit a multitude of sins and get a pat on the back. Also in the paper is a woman moaning that people dont give up their seats for pregnant women. I recently offered my seat to a pregnant woman and she called me a sexist. Im also annoyed because I have to work late shift next week. The world is going bloody mad and I blame everyone else but me. Here is an interesting fact, elephants cannot jump. Buy my E book, A Clean Week. La la la

DURING THE WAR

I was in the gym this morning and as I was getting changed there were two miserable middle aged guys having a moan. The first one said he could remember when men gave up their seats to ladies on buses. The second old fart said he saw a woman firefighter and thought it was outrageous that she didn't have a "real" job. The first one came back with the reply yeah I know, my grandson has become a male nurse which made the other guy laugh. The first one started complaining about youths hanging around on street corners causing mayhem and carnage and admitted that when he younger him and his mates used to hang around on corners but apart from wolf whistling at women they were usually well behaved. One of the two men then said he wished he were thirty years younger so that he could go travelling and the other guy laughed and said he travelled a lot when he was younger but he was carrying a rifle at the time in reference to his National Service. I was so glad to get changed into my gym kit. As I left the changing room I looked back and got an eye full of two crotchety men with varicose veins and liver spots, bad thinning hair wheezing as they dressed. I went into the gym and put in a powerhouse of a performance and finished with two circuits of the Marina which is about two miles. I must have done just over an hour and went to shower and fuck me those two old goats were still whinging. One was complaining about men having pedicures and his mate nodded in agreement and then said what about women posties and his friend said he hated women posties because now he can't answer the door in his pants in case he upsets the female race, and like I said this old bastard was covered in varicose veins and spots. I decided not to make myself suffer any more whinging from these two so I decided to shower at home, mine is a better shower anyway. I really hate people who live in the past, at work there are so many British Rail dinosaurs always moaning about the good old days, and how it was better when drivers were treated like Gods and punters were just mindless fish and managers were ex drivers who had lost the plot but sill knew the score when talking to drivers who had just messed up. Anyway, I am not a dinosaur and I live in the real world, I'm not very PC and I speak my (limited) mind. I want to be in charge of everything. Vote for me when the time comes la la la . Here is an interesting fact, the first person to use a cash point machine in this country was Reg Varney, a bad actor in an awful sitcom. It was shit then and its even worse now. la la la . BUY MY E.BOOK "A Clean Week". Its good.

CYCLISTS

Bloody cyclists, They really get on my tits. They are always moaning that motorists deliberately aim for them and try to knock them off their bikes, well boo fecking hoo. Ok, hands up who cares that that sideburn wearing weirdo got knocked off his bike and was injured. The silly arse has just won the Tour de France, he should have been at home humping a page three girl, not dashing around in his little lycra shorts and day-glo top showing off how fast he can go. It seems that every day on my way to work and at nearly every set of traffic lights some wally on two wheels feels the need not to stop and cause motorized vehicles to swerve and pedestrians to jump out of the way. Not one day goes by without these ignorant self absorbed silly plastic helmet wearing freaks charges out of a junction without a thought for any other road user. Why do male cyclists in their lycra shorts that are too tight, think people want to see how small their penis' are and what is with those silly shoes. Ok so Wiggins got hurt, big deal other non celebrity cyclists get hurt every day and no one bleats on about it. Wiggins was doing a bloody fair rate of knots when he hit the side of that van and famous or not I bet it hurt. Now all the skinny unhealthy looking cyclists are demand more road space and their own cycle lanes, well they can all fuck off. Learn the highway code, stick to the highway code and maybe, just maybe you will find yourselves having less accidents. I admit some drivers are totally blind and deaf and should have their driving licences shredded and their cars crushed but most of the car on bike accidents I witness the pratt in the hat is not obeying the rules of the road. Riding a bike should and could be great fun but some of those who ride think its some kind of war and don't you think its a bit of a coincidence that whenever BBC's Panarama sticks a camera on some twats helmet and sends him out to try and prove a point, he always ends up in the gutter after trying to play chicken with a bus. What about those cyclists who are too afraid to ride on the road and hurtle about on pavements, it should be legal to shove a lead pipe in their spokes. I saw one women recently on a bike, she had one child in front of her, one child towed behind her and one on her back, for fuck sake woman, buy a car or take the bus, those kids looked well afraid. Boris bikes are ugly. Here is an interesting fact,Andy Garcia was a Siamese twin. la la la