EARLY MORNING MORONS

Ashley Cole is an idiot and I don't like David Beckham. That has nothing to do with what I'm about to say. I have said it before and I am saying it again , I wish jay walking was a crime in this country. This morning as I drove down the Old Kent Road I nearly ran over some drunk bimbo stumbling out of some night club and she tripped over in her ridiculously high (but very sexy) shoes. The silly bitch dropped her handbag and the bottle of drink she was carrying. I would normally just run these daft bastards over and think nothing of it but I was on my motorbike which I love dearly  and I don't want some silly sods DNA splashed over my bikes engine. If that wasn't bad enough I got to the Elephant and Castle and again a stream of dumb arse jay walkers tried to cross the road weaving in between buses and illegal mini cabs and caused bloody chaos. These are the drunken tossers who take no responsibility for their own actions and then when they injure themselves and probably others as well they run screaming to a lawyer for some compensation money. I hate these dopey people. They walk around in their own gaga land and don't look around. They walk up to a pedestrian crossing and instead of waiting for cars to stop they just step out and cause mayhem. Well from now on I refuse to play their silly games. I will no longer take avoidance measures. I will just bowl these jellyheads over. I don't give a rats arse anymore, I'm rich I can afford to buy a new car and I do love my bike but if some spannerface gets in my way I will just learn to love my new bike that my insurance company will pay for. Its  not rocket science. Walking outside is as easy as breathing. Whats annoying is that these dopes live in this country. Its not as if I can even blame gormless tourists who don't know what a pavement is or how to use one. If and when I'm in charge of this wonderful city I will make it mandatory learning at school and at airports and ferry ports there will be a walking test before letting anyone in. Rant over. Vote for me, you know it makes sense. La la la . Here is an interesting fact, The Queen does not have or need a passport.

JIMMY SO VILE

Allegedly, Jimmy Saville was a paedo. Several people have come out after his death and have made claims that Jimmy was a kiddie fiddler. I don't doubt for one second that some of these claims are true, however why the hell did none of these people make these claims whilst the weirdo was alive? He was obviously a bit strange. He wore shell suits when they were fashionable and made them look unfashionable. He wore such crap jewellery you couldn't get cheaper at Argus. He held a cigar but never smoked it and he lived with his mum. Yes the weird looking man lived with his mum. That alone tells you what sort of grown man lives with his mum, especially when you have his kind of money. Don't get me wrong, I never liked him. I never watched his shows, back then and even today I hate the show Top Of The Pops, and he was a shite DJ. But my question is why did no one say something when the freak was alive and could defend himself. Just like that ugly ginger girl who said she was his love child? Why not speak up when he was around to be confronted. I must say its a bit suspect that all these people are saying Jimmypaed touched them up three weeks after the press revealed he left an estate worth three million quid. That nurse who claims she told her boss should have told the police and/or anyone who would listen so I think she is responsible for Jimmypaed getting away with it. They say he was a powerful man, was he fuck, he was on telly, that's all he did, its not like he was a senior police man who back in the 70's and 80's could fit you up and have you put away. Jimmypaed is buried so that he can face his beloved Leeds football club, personally I think that's a punishment in itself but if he is found guilty I would dig him up and turn him around to face fuck all. I think he will be found guilty all he can't speak for himself now and I think he didn't act alone but I'm sure those at the BBC who knew will cover up their involvements. My concern is the compensation that will be paid out, the will be a huge change at the Beeb and I'm worried that the TV licence will go up. Freddy Starr has been linked with this story, again a person who was supposed to be funny and charitable turns out to be a kiddie fiddler. If we look back in history lots of clowns and people who pretend to do it for the children tend to be nonce's. I'm not tarring all do gooder's with same brush but we need to a much closer harder look when people say they want to work with children.I went to a Freddie Starr show once, it was billed as a comedy, talk about laugh, I thought I would never start. This story has a lot more mileage and I'm sure the truth will come out but I want to say to any vulnerable people, if some one does you a wrong un tell someone, tell everyone and don't wait until the person dies, if that person is rich and famous scream out loud until you ruin them. If you are a parent of one of these alleged victims and you were told but did nothing I hope you get anal cancer. Sorry for my rant but this story is shameful as shameful as Jimmypaeds hair and tracksuits la la la. Here is an interesting fact, swans are the only birds that have penises.

DONT BE SAUCY

Today I was coastal. As most of you know its not my favourite place, the weather was miserable the station was miserable the people are miserable, even the ones that act normal looked miserable. I was peckish , outside the station is a sandwich bar and I went in. The guy behind the counter looked like a Welsh Benny Hill ( he reminded me of Benny Hill and sounded Welsh ). He said good morning and told me everything on the menu was two pence off until twelve o clock. Unless he was a really slow cook I was about to save two pence. I ordered a breakfast bap he said to me ' breakfast bap, sausage bacon and egg £ 3.35 but until twelve its £3.33 to you' I said thank you and off he waddled.  A few minutes later he came back with my bap and asked ' do you want some salt and pepper on this?  I said no. He asked if I wanted brown sauce and I said ' no thanks I like it plain' he said ' oh go on, plain is boring, have some mayonnaise' I said no, he said ' how about some french dressing? I said no. He said ' what about some nice salad cream to zap your taste buds' again I said no. He said ' go on be adventurous' so I said ' ok I will have a dollop of tomato sauce ' He said ' oh im sorry im all out, try something else' I said ' ok I will have some ketchup' he looked at me and said quite sternly ' I TOLD  YOU IM ALL OUT' so I replied ' AND I bLOODY TOLD YOU I wANTED IT PLAIN ' He wrapped the bap and shoved it across the counter, I handed him £3.35. He tried to give me two pence change but I said ' keep it and put it towards a bottle f sauce' and I left. In the crew room I made a cup of coffee and took a bite of the bap, it lacked a certain something so in the kitchen I put some salt and pepper on it. It tasted better. Not great, better. When he was alive I never ever found Benny Hill funny. Here is an interesting fact, to keep cool flamingos urinate on their legs. Uurgh. La la la diddly dee, everyones gone to the moon

COASTAL COWS

I shit you not, I'm in a coastal crew room and three men are sitting swapping cow stories. I have on occasion of heard one maybe two people swapping stories but there are three grown spud heads telling each other their experiences with a half ton of beef. One guy and I swear I'm not making this up he said he was cycling through the country lanes in Bexley, (he did say it was many years ago) and he heard a cow fart and it scared him so much he fell off his bike and broke his right wrist. Muppet number two said he was cycling through France (I hate the French) and he said he was going down hill very fast with his wife dragging far behind him and when he reached the bottom he sat on what he thought was a rock to have a cigarette til she caught up but the rock turned out to be a large lump of cow shit and he sank into it and it covered his whole back and legs. Silly spud number three has just told how he took his 7 year old grandson rambling and the kid thought it would be funny to chase some calfs which was funny until mummy cow got the hump and head butted the little brat and when silly spud number three tried to rescue the kid, as he ran towards the boy he slipped in some cow pooh and received a face full of shit. Why oh why would anyone tell some one they had a face full of cow shit (or any shit for that matter) is beyond me but these three do look and sound like rejects from a Jeremy (smug bastard) Kyle show. These three wallies have told about nine stories between them and none of them end well and all of them involve being covered in shit. I was once in a cow situation but its a suppressed memory, very deeply suppressed and you will never ever know how it ended. I would like to say that I won and I still have the jacket but that would be a lie so the memory will stay hidden in my memory vaults for ever. I will one day confess all my sins after all thats what death beds are for but every time I get coastal I am reminded how lucky I am to be bald and not ginger. One of these dimwits said he is vegetarian because of his experience with a cow. If anything, if a cow caused me to end up like these three I would eat as many as I could. Don't get me wrong, I love animals but they are so much nicer covered in gravy and served with chips. Here is an interesting fact, babies are born without kneecaps, the kneecaps don't deveop until the child is about two years old. La la la.

LEAVE ME ALONE

I hate being pestered by idiots. I also hate idiots asking daft questions. There we were in a restaurant standing by the 'please wait to be seated' sign, and we had been there about 7 or 8 minutes when this spotty crazy haired guy who had been giving us the evil eye sauntered over to us and said 'would you like a table? I nearly said no thanks we like eating standing up but I kept my cool (which as you know, thats not always easy for me) . He then looked us up and down then asked, 'table for two is it?' again I nearly said said no we would like a table for six but I kept schtum and just nodded. Spotty led us to a very small tucked away table  and as we sat down he asked another fecking stupid question, he said ' would you like a menu?' that was it, I said  'no, we will just make up our own menu'. He didn't find this amusing and replied, 'I have to ask cos some people just want a drink'. I said, 'if I just wanted a drink I would stand at the bar, but cos I'm hungry I stood at the wait to be seated sign waiting to be showed to a table, a table I might add for two people as there is only two of us, and now that we are sitting at a table yes we want to see a menu so we know what food you have to offer'. I added 'you wanker' very quietly and he didn't hear me. I know its risky having a pop at the staff because one doesn't want to find snot and spit in the salad but I remember when catering staff looked clean and dressed properly. This mob all looked like a cross between David Bowie and Gary Newman. Anyway we ordered our meals, we both chose steak and they looked nice and tasted ok but the enjoyment was spoiled by an endless stream of pain in the arse staff coming over and asking if everything was ok. After about the sixth time I answered 'no, everything is not alright'. Spotty looked horrified and asked what the problem was. I said to him 'every time I take a bite, my steak gets smaller'. It tooks a few seconds for him to register then he walked away. Seconds later the manager came along. I say 'manager' because that was what his name badge said but this fool had a grey shirt and red tie and both were covered in what looked like minestrone soup. He asked if we had a problem and I said yes we are fed up with being interupted during our meal. Soup boy said it was how the staff are trained and its all part of customer service. I told him that we were discussing a drug deal and didn't want people over hearing where we stash our gear. Soup boy looked at me then said ' very funny sir' and walked away. We decided we wanted to leave so I motioned for the check, you know by waving my hand in the air and whispering 'check please'. Well fuck me not one of the dozy idiots wanted to know and none of them came over to us. So we sat there for a few minutes and the I stood up and approached one of the staff and said 'bring the bill or call the police, your choice but we are leaving' he looked a bit scared and said 'we have a panic button' I replied ' the check or the police your choice' luckily the manager was watching and came over. I paid the bill and did not leave a tip. I won't be going back there any time soon. It really gets on my man boobs when in a restaurant, and they all seem to be guilty, of constantly pestering you while you try to eat.I know I sound miserable but thats because I am. Here is an intersting fact, the human brain stops growing at 18 years old. La la la

TRAINS AND CABBAGES

No, the title is not about what you think it is. It has nothing to do with the Cripolymps. I am having my break coastal and as you all know its not my favourite place to be. Regardless of all the six fingered ginger haired people high sixing each other, I find it a bit banal and tedious down here. I'm sitting in the crew room trying to enjoy a decent cup of coffee and some chocolate Hob nobs and there various conversations are making it hard for me to relax and enjoy. One spanner has just said that the cabbages he planted several months ago (albeit they are a bit on the small size) are the tastiest he has grown in two years. The jellyhead he is talking to answered that with 'I found a cabbage on a train once, it was in a Tesco bag, so I took it home and gave it to the wife'. I mean come on, how riveting is that conversation. Across the room one old timer is moaning that the no smoking ban is ruining his health. The fact that he can't smoke in a cab is causing him to be stressed and that it is causing him to be negligent in looking after his Koi carp in his garden. The cleaner came in and demanded to know who had used his mop and bucket because it wasn't where he left it yesterday and another person is moaning that the trains appear dirtier than usual. I went into the tv room but I just don't want to watch a show about cemetaries, and yet there are seven people, male and female transfixed by the show and its descriptions of grave stones and how to look after grave stones and how to ensure that your grave stone says the right thing about you in thee afterlife. I don't care what mine will say, probably, some smart arse will put 'here lies fat dead bloke' I really don't care as long  as I am dead and not buried alive. I don't know if I believe in the afterlife but If there is one I hope there are no spiders there cos I hate spiders and  Heaven is supposed to be your own private Utopia. Back in the other room the cabbage man is trying to sell his small but tasty cabbages but no one wants any. This is because in the Co.op along the road from here you can get larger ones cheaper. Its not nice being coastal, even those who live coastal don't like it here. The guy who claims to have found a cabbage once has asked for a free cabbage and if his wife decides that it is really tasty he will consider buying one a month. Good grief my sanity is being tested today. Still never mind, only ten more years to go. Here is an interesting fact, the enamel on your teeth is the strongest substance in a human body. La la la

COASTAL SPIDERS

Today I was coastal. I had my break in a very small room. It's not a crew room but it is an officially designated place to have a break. You have to go down some gloomy stairs to get to this room. Its like a dungeon on the ground floor. The walls need a coat of paint,there is one small table and three tatty chairs, the lino is full of holes and cigarette burns, the bin hasn't been emptied in ages, the windows are dirty, there is hot water to make tea or coffee but no cold water for drinking and it smells like an old Frenchman. Don't laugh, those are its good points. I put my bag on the table and was going to make a coffee when I saw a massive (yes it was honest) spider on the floor. I didn't panic, I picked up a phone book, (why is there a phone book in a room with no phone?) and I slammed it down on the spider then stamped on the book twice, job done no problem. I went to the toilet and the dead spider must have had a brother cos on the wall was another spider just like it. I can't pee when I'm being watched and there was no phone book in the loo so being clever I picked up the toilet brush and whacked the spider. The spider stuck to the brush and it looked like it was still moving so I put the brush down the loo. I had my pee and pulled the chain. Again the damn spider looked still alive so I took the Harpic bottle from the window sill and emptied it in the loo to poison the spider, I'm hard I didn't care. I went back in the room to make my coffee and as I was filling my cup I heard a noise. I looked up and there on the dirty dust covered window was another bloody spider trying to get in through the air vent. I thought 'sod this, I'm off' I filled my cup, grabbed bag and left. I opened the door and fuck me there was a spider (not really big but still a spider) on the third step blocking my path to safety. So, again I didn't panic, I shout 'look over there, a sexy spider with no clothes on' and while the spider was distracted, I ran past up the stairs. When I reached the top I looked round and saw the spider was angry at being tricked, I laughed at it and walked away. As I was standing on the platform drinking my cooffee what did I see on the tracks? no not another spider but a bloody large rat. I threw my coffee at it and it ran off. I don't like ginger hair and I hate spiders. God knows how I would react if I saw a ginger haired spider. Here is an interesting fact, Russ Abbott was asked to appear in the film The Full Monty and turned it down, the part went to Tom Wilkinson. Russ Abbott said turning the role down was the biggest mistake of his career. (silly bald bastard ) la la la