Just ME

I am home alone. The weather is awful, its raining heavily outside and tomorrow looks no better. However, today I had a really cushty duty, and I finished early. I went and had some horizontal dancing and it was just superb. I went home and tne house was clean tidy and empty so I had a tissue moment and I have to say I feel very relaxed. I am cooking myself a really nice meal, I can hear the rain beating against my double glazing and I'm glad I'm indoors. I have a lovely movie to watch and beer in the fridge, sometimes, just sometimes , its nice to be alone. I have had a good day, I feel happy and sated and I'm gonna eat a delicious meal, its delicious cos I cooked it, and then I may have a shower before reading a good book in bed. I am working tomorrow and I aint best pleased about that, but today was about me, just me, la la la

WHERE TO GO

So now that christmas is over and all those momotonous adverts for sales will soon be stopping, we can look forward to loads of monotonous adverts for holidays. I dont know where im gonna go this year, I wont know until I return all the presents I dont want and then I will know how much money I can spend. Where ever I go it wont be anywhere advertised by that smug twat jamie redknapp and it wont be anywhere a pikie like wayne rooney would go to. I need a beach and a decent hotel plus damn good weather, anything else will just be a bonus. I want to spend two weeks in my mankini, sipping pina coladas watching the honeys walk by with their fit bodies wearing almost nothing. I will just be lying there like a beached walrus with my hand down my pants having naughty thoughts. I cant wait

NORMALITY

Have you ever seen one of those films where a small town in the middle on nowhere America is under attack from zombies or a plague virus and the army cordon off the town until the resolve the situation. And when its all over the town folk come out of their homes and rub their eyes as they look up at the sun. Well it was bit like that in the supermarket today. Three days ago in the very same shop it was bloody chaos with people panic buying stuff they dont need and running around seeing what other shoppers are buying. Yet today it like peace on earth, people strolling around, serene music being played overhead and even the till staff were smiling. I can believe the transformation and yet I dont understand what turned supposedly sane people into raving loonies. Everytime there is a bank holiday the country goes mad. Its as if a bad event is coming and we have to lock ourselves in our homes until its over. I could understand if this was the USA. They are all paranoid guntoting worry freaks who trust no one and who are despised by the rest of the world.they Americans are like the French only fatter. I am writing this in the hope that sanity prevails for new years eve and can I just ask all of you to get a fecking grip, its only one day and the shops are still open. Having said that, its probably best not to stand in front of me when the sales are on cos I can be as mad as the very maddest and I do love a bargain and I have no patience and hate queueing, be warned

BLOODY FORECASTERS

Im , cold, those bastard weather people got it wrong again. They said it would be mild and it damn well aint.its my fault for believing them so I shall slap myself later and drink one beer less. When im mayor all forecasters will be treated like them idiots they are and be made to wear cones on their heads. Those bastard weather people, im so cold, maybe I should shut the window. La la la

ITS BETTER TO GET THAN RECEIVE

Who ever first said that is an idiot. Christmas is almost here and I still have one or two things to buy. I have ordered my turkey and duck for the main meal and I have everything else, but lets talk about prezzies. I hate having to think about who is going to get me something and should I get them something in return. I went the pound shop and came out twenty five quid worse off. I know some people who will get prezzies from me and I know people who won't. Receiving gifts is great, but what if someone buys you a large expensive bottle of stinky stuff and you only got them a scarf, is that still equal? No is it fuck and you know next year you will buy them something better and now they know you are a tightwad they will get you socks. I like prezzies, I like them for about ten minutes then I want more. I'm greedy and i'm lazy. I cant be arsed writing lists and going from shop to shop. Thats why i'm a last minute man. I need to know who got me something then they will get in return, Shallow? Yes, and practical. My philosophy is if you get ten prezzies then you give ten prezzies. If you get nine but give ten, then next year becomes awkward because if you buy for the person who didnt get you something, they might not get you anything next year, then what do you do? It's a nightmare, but everyone likes jokey socks and a torch. Guess what i'm getting you this year. La la la . All I want is your vote for Mayor.

MANS BEST FRIEND

I'm in a coastal crew room and I dont like it here, its like the waiting room of the local looney bin. Everyone has something wrong with them and they are staring at a telly that aint even on. There are two men discussing the best way to wash a pet dog, thats right I said how to wash a pet dog. The fat one who has a beard that makes him look like he is trying to eat a ginger cat just said that he turned his bathroom into a wet room and takes his dog in with him when he has a shower, the other moron replied he puts his in the bath after he has had his to save water and then said out loud 'I leave his penis til last cos if I wash it first the dog gets sexually aroused'. Thats what he said and no one batted an eyelid. I'm trying not to be conspicuos cos they dont like London folk, and one or two of them are staring at me like i'm their favourite meal. Its very cold here and I have seen way too many ugly jumpers, they wear anything down here with no shame, I have seen better dressed refugees on telly (not this telly cos it aint on). At times like this I wish my break was shorter.

NOT ONE SMILE

I am coastal today. I was coastal yesterday too. Through no fault of mine, both days the trains were late and I didnt expect many people to be happy , but bloody hell, down here it was like everyone had left their happy good looking smiling heads at home and brought their cold weather miserable runny nose grumpy faces. Even in the cafe where I bought a sandwhich for £2.70 and put the change in the tip jar, the grumpy old skeleton didnt even say thank you. I cant wait to get back to the big city cos people with webbed fingers creep me out and there is no electricity down here. They all look related down here, its worse than watching an old chinese subtitled movie.