MOVIES CRISPS AND TUNA

I'm in a crew room, not a coastal one and the conversations being held are not inspiring. Firstly, I'm sitting next to one overweight mong who is eating a family size bag of salt and vinegar crisps. He has just told everyone in the room that an article in todays Metro has stated it healthy to eat a Mars bar once a week. This cretin, on top of his ginormous bag of crisps has three mars bars and is washing them down with Irn Bru. Across the room is a complete spazoid who is tucking into two tins of Tuna that he bought last week and forgot they were in his bag, he is washing this down with tomato soup from the vending machine. They are talking across the room about the new Batman movie. They both thought it was a fantastic movie. They are both looking forward to the film Expendables 2. I have seen the Batman movie and I thought it was too long and didn't have enough Batman in it. I don't intend to watch Expendables 2. I have seen the movie Ted and although I chuckled a little bit  it was not the laugh out loud film they said it would be. So my break is not turning out to be a good one. The fact that I disagree with them about good and bad films is one thing but the room smells like a cross between a fish market and a toilet in an old folks home. The fact that these two jellyheads are talking with their mouths open is visually disgusting and the fatter of the two is getting most of it down the front of his shirt. I might not be coastal but it sure feels like it. Here is an interesting fact, you can lead a cow up some stairs but you can't lead it down. La la la

COASTAL CASHPOINTS

I am coastal today and as you know its not my favourite place to be.  I just went to a cashpoint machine and tried to get £30 pounds out. The machine said only denominations of £20 were being dispensed so I tapped in £40 and the bloody machine gave me four ten pound notes. I don't like it coastal, it's weird, strange, odd and daft down here. And there are people with ginger hair everywhere.

GOOD FILMS BAD FILMS

I can't believe that some jerk decided to remake the film The Three Stooges. This abomination of a so called comedy is purely for an American market, and it proves they aint funny and don't know what comedy is. sadly, in the remake, there are two actors I really like. It has changed they way I see them now. I don't know where this conference room is where all the tv bigwigs sit around and decide what films to make. I have yet to see a remake that is anywhere as good as the original. One of the funniest characters of all time is Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau. What did those jellyheads decide to do? remake it and put that totally unfunny Steve Martin in the lead role. I don't blame him but he is not funny and he fucked it right up. Before he destroyed the great character of Inspector Clouseau they let him loose on another great character, and guess what he did to that? yep thats right he fucked it right up. Two super funny films with two enigmatic characters and Steve Martin and the men behind him sullied the memory. I don't think in the history of films has a remake been any good. The Italian Job was a fantastic film, mark Wahlberg took the money and ruined it. Sadly, if they had called the film something else, it wouldn't have been a bad film. Get Carter, nailed to perfection by Sir Michael Caine, what did Sly Stallone do? yep, he brought his usual A game as an actor and ruined it. there so many good films out there but they should be left alone. Let me list a few films that should never have been made.....Inspector Gadget..Thunderbirds...The Flintstones.... Jaws 3D...... Garfield...Police Academy (3 onwards)...Rambo (3 onwards)....Rocky ( 3 onwards).....Godfather Three....Spice Girls the Movie...Ghost Rider with Nicholas Cage.....The Batman film with Arnie Sweatynickers....Terminator Three...... Die Hard 4.......The Cable Guy.....Mask Two.....and any film with Dolph Lundgren Jean Claude Van Damme Jason Statham (being American) Bob Hoskins (being American) Steve Martin, Steve Guttenberg, JimCarrey, Steven Segal, I have to stop cos there are too many to carry on. In short people, what is annoying me is the amount of crap films being churned out. Currently, the new film out is Expenables 2, will I watch it? yes, I watched the first Expendable film and thought it was rubbish. I watched it sober, it was crap. I got drunk and watched it again, it was still crap. I will watch the new one to see if it is possible to be crappier. I already know the answer judging by the "stars" in the film. Please get me elected and I will sort out the film industry. Here is an interesting fact, did you know we throw away over 100 million tons of tomato ketchup that's still left in the bottom the bottle each year? la la la

BANKS

I think the banking industry is run by a bunch of bastards. I think people who work in banks are also a bunch of bastards. I am glad they are currently getting bad press, I'm glad that they have to work on a saturday and and I'm glad their uniforms look cheap and nasty. I keep getting letters from my bank. I bank with Halifucked sorry I mean Halifax. They keep offering me things I don't want and stuff I don't need. Their one plus point is that the informed me that someone 'may' have tried to clone my credit card and it would be advisable to have a new one. So I agreed to a new card but could I possibly keep the same pin number. They said it would be no problem and that a new card would be with me in a few days and I should use it straight away and cut up the old one. So a few days later I received my new card and went to the shop to use it. The shop machine said  'card declined'. The shopkeeper was dubious and wouldn't let me use my old one. So I went to the cash point and tried the new card and the machine said wrong pin number. I called the bank and they assured me that it was the same number but as I had now tried it my old one was defunct. They advised me to 'activate' the new card in my branch. So like a wally I went to my branch, I took both cards, a letter from them saying I was getting a new card and the letter that came with the new card saying use it immediately and dispose of the old one, I also took my driving licence and passport. After queuing up behind a bunch of bastard time wasting pensioners either putting in or taking out just enough money for a tin of cat food, I finally got my go. The witch behind the counter had a face like broken plate and an attitude that made me think she was sitting on wet cold rice pudding anyway I explained why I was there and that I would like to activate the new card. She asked me why I had a new card so I told her, she asked me why I still had my old card so I told her that I had not cut it up yet. She looked confused and seemed irritated with me. I showed her the letter saying it should be the same pin number and she tapped on her computer and then said it should be. She took my card and swiped it then told me it should be ok to use in about thirty minutes. She took the old one and shredded it. I needed some money so I asked her to give me a hundred pounds. She swiped my card but it had not registered yet. She told me to wait and then use the cash machine. I looked at the queue for the cash machine and it was about forty people long so I asked her if I could take some from her. She looked aghast but asked for ID. I told her she had my card but showed her the two letters but it wasn't enough so I showed her my driving licence and passport. The bastard witch asked for a utility bill. I asked what for and the crone said 'its the rules' I tried explaining about the transaction we had just been doing but she still wanted a bill. I told her to call a manager and this big fat spotty faced woman waddled over and asked what was wrong. I told her my card wasnt activated and I was trying to get some money out and fuck me this elephant asked for a utility bill too. I am sorry but I went bloody beserk. Yes I caused a scene, I shouted and stomped and threw stuff and told them to 'call the police' but I wasn't leaving without my money. Luckily the security guard who up til now had been asleep in the broom cupboard (probably) sauntered up and said he could vouch for my identity. The fat bitch manager didn't like this idea but the guard said that if she wanted me thrown out she would have to help cos  'I looked a bit angry' yes the police came and yes I explained all this to two bored policewomen but yes I got my money. All you bankers out there are bastards. Just like Boris and Ken. La la la . Here is an interesting fact, every year we throw away over 100 million tubes of toothpaste with paste still in the tube. Vote for me

COASTAL COCKNEY

I am coastal today and for once the weather aint minging. I had only just entered the crew room and made myself a coffee when this jellyhead said 'there's one' . I didn't look up but as I opened my book a shadow loomed over me and this berk was standing there, he was about 40 years old and looked like he was dressed by his mother. I know I shouldn't have but Ieventually looked at him and said 'yes ??' and he replied 'all right me old mucker, Big Ben, pie and mash, apples and pears, lets go down the frog and toad, luvly jubbly'. I wasnt in the mood so I said ' fuck off nut case' , he looked a bit sad and said don't be like that, I'm going up to London and I'm practicing the local lingo' I took a sip of my coffee and said 'I've got news for you, you freak, I don't know where you get your information from, but no one, NO ONE in London speaks like that, if I were you I would go back home and hide under the bed until the men in white coats stop looking for you' he swore at me and walked away. I was enjoying my coffee when a scrunched up ball of paper landed on the table in front of me. I looked up and they jellyhead said ' I'm still going up London'  I replied, 'my next door neighbour has a cat' he looked bewildered and asked, 'whats that got to do with anything? So I said  'my front door is blue' . He just didn't know what to say.  A few minutes later he said acroos the room, 'I had a cat years ago, it was a tabby' again I put my coffee down and asked, 'do you live alone? He answered yes, I said 'let me guess, the cat died or ran away' he paused for a moment then said ' the cat died'  I said, 'cat suicides are quite common when a wally lives alone'. He swore at me again.  I finished my coffee and was washing the cup when jellyhead asked me 'wheres the best place to get a drink in London? I replied, 'if you want a coffee go to a cafe, if you want a pint go to a pub' he was really angry with me now and started yelling that I was unfriendly. I told him that I wasn't being unfriendly but my parents had warned me not to talk to strange men. He thought about it for a while then left the room. After he had gone two people came in and said 'thank fuck he has gone, he gets on our tits, he is so boring' I looked at them and yawned, then I left the room. I really don't like having my breaks coastal la la la here is an interesting fact, Harold Wilson was a keen yachtsman and had a boat called 'Morning Cloud' . Vote for me

BRITISH SUMMER

After several months of grotty rainy days, the sun is finally here. I love summer in England, its my favourite week of the year. The need for people to wrap up in jumpers and coats has gone and people can get their skimpy summer clothes out. The appearance of the sun puts a smile on peoples faces and a spring in their ssteps. Women seem to wear almost nothing. Im not a perv but let me tell you about my day yesterday. I had to book on at silly o clock and after parking up I was crossing the concourse and saw two women who had obviously been out clubbing. One was wearing a pair of tight blue shorts with her arse cheeks showing, she had long legs and a nice pair of sandals, a blue lace top with a black bra showing through. Her friend was wearing a short beige leather skirt, I say skirt but it was more like a belt, she had a silk black black blouse and obviously no bra and high heels. Im no perv but yes I stares longer than I should have. After booking on I was crossing the concourse and these two women were gone. In their place was this stunning looking woman in her forties. She looked like Joan Collins in her prime. She wore a lovely two piece grey skirt and jacket with a purple shirt unbuttoned to the cleavage, she had red lipstick on ( I love red lipstick on a woman ), she obviously uses a gym she looked great. As I walked along the platform there was a group of young girls , about eight of them and im no perv but they all looked like jail bait. They all wore tight shorts and tight T shirts. They  didnt dress like that when I was at school which was handy cos I went to an all boys school. When I arrived at my destination there was a woman buying a coffee. She had tight jeans on which showed her firm arse and a cropped top which showed of her flat stomach. Im no perv but I was getting a stiffy.. When I got back I was again walkin across the concourse and I saw a woman who was about twenty ish and she was bending over and showing her long legs and her firm bum, it was lovely. When I got to the crew room, I saw my good mate Bretty. He didnt look too good and I asked him what was wrong. He told me he had messed up earlier. He was coming into a station and saw a stunningly beautiful woman who reminded him of Jessica Rabbit ( yeah I thought that was a bit weird too). He said he stopped the train and gawped at her. He said it was two or three minutes before he realised he hadnt opened the doors. Luckily he wasnt reported for it. We spent the rest of the break drinking coffee and staring out the window pointing out stunners to each other. It was one of the best breaks I have ever had. After my break I was again walking across the concourse and I saw this couple holding hands. He was a tall good looking guy in a smart expensive suit, a full head of hair and all his own teeth ( I hated him instantly . She was wearing a tight figure hugging red dress. Im no perv but I had the urge to club her on the head and drag her away like a caveman. I kept walkin and was getting a head ache from staring at all the flash on display. Im no perv but I love summer. I hope it lasts a whole lot longer. Here is an interesting fact, did you know in the musical My Fair Lady, Rex Harrison didnt actually do any singing? La la la

WE WON'T BE ANY BUSIER.... HONEST

Our management have said all along since it was announced that London will host the Olympics that we won't be any busier in passenger numbers. The have been saying that we will cope easily and everything will be fine, but just to be on the safe side, we will take on extra staff and implement extra training. Really??. Where are the extra staff and when does the training begin?
So far all they have done is move some staff from one post to another and the training consists of leaflets explaining that everyone should do their bit and "go the extra mile". Well my friends let me tell how it is.
The opening ceremony starts today. This morning at silly o'clock when I booked on, there were several coach loads of people mooching about before the station had even opened. The first service to leave the station was heaving with people unsure as to where they were going. When I arrived coastal which is never pleasant, there were shed loads of bewildered people all trying to make their way into London. All day, drivers and conductors and platform staff have been over run with additional numbers of people asking questions. Sometimes new different questions and sometimes the same questions they always ask. trust me when I say we WILL be busier. We are busy everyday and now with this extra million people a day they hope will come into our Capital, only those people on the top shelf don't think we will be busier or unable to cope, the rest of us in the sock drawer know that the next few weeks are going to be a very hectic and arduous time. If it goes well, it will because of the hard work and spirit of those on the front line. I know we will cope cos we are a tough bunch. We will make it work despite the best efforts of those in the ivory tower who will be MIA.  Here is an interesting fact, cows are the only animals that are retro mingent. Boris Johnson is a fat David Beckham. la la la