BRITISH SUMMER

After several months of grotty rainy days, the sun is finally here. I love summer in England, its my favourite week of the year. The need for people to wrap up in jumpers and coats has gone and people can get their skimpy summer clothes out. The appearance of the sun puts a smile on peoples faces and a spring in their ssteps. Women seem to wear almost nothing. Im not a perv but let me tell you about my day yesterday. I had to book on at silly o clock and after parking up I was crossing the concourse and saw two women who had obviously been out clubbing. One was wearing a pair of tight blue shorts with her arse cheeks showing, she had long legs and a nice pair of sandals, a blue lace top with a black bra showing through. Her friend was wearing a short beige leather skirt, I say skirt but it was more like a belt, she had a silk black black blouse and obviously no bra and high heels. Im no perv but yes I stares longer than I should have. After booking on I was crossing the concourse and these two women were gone. In their place was this stunning looking woman in her forties. She looked like Joan Collins in her prime. She wore a lovely two piece grey skirt and jacket with a purple shirt unbuttoned to the cleavage, she had red lipstick on ( I love red lipstick on a woman ), she obviously uses a gym she looked great. As I walked along the platform there was a group of young girls , about eight of them and im no perv but they all looked like jail bait. They all wore tight shorts and tight T shirts. They  didnt dress like that when I was at school which was handy cos I went to an all boys school. When I arrived at my destination there was a woman buying a coffee. She had tight jeans on which showed her firm arse and a cropped top which showed of her flat stomach. Im no perv but I was getting a stiffy.. When I got back I was again walkin across the concourse and I saw a woman who was about twenty ish and she was bending over and showing her long legs and her firm bum, it was lovely. When I got to the crew room, I saw my good mate Bretty. He didnt look too good and I asked him what was wrong. He told me he had messed up earlier. He was coming into a station and saw a stunningly beautiful woman who reminded him of Jessica Rabbit ( yeah I thought that was a bit weird too). He said he stopped the train and gawped at her. He said it was two or three minutes before he realised he hadnt opened the doors. Luckily he wasnt reported for it. We spent the rest of the break drinking coffee and staring out the window pointing out stunners to each other. It was one of the best breaks I have ever had. After my break I was again walking across the concourse and I saw this couple holding hands. He was a tall good looking guy in a smart expensive suit, a full head of hair and all his own teeth ( I hated him instantly . She was wearing a tight figure hugging red dress. Im no perv but I had the urge to club her on the head and drag her away like a caveman. I kept walkin and was getting a head ache from staring at all the flash on display. Im no perv but I love summer. I hope it lasts a whole lot longer. Here is an interesting fact, did you know in the musical My Fair Lady, Rex Harrison didnt actually do any singing? La la la

WE WON'T BE ANY BUSIER.... HONEST

Our management have said all along since it was announced that London will host the Olympics that we won't be any busier in passenger numbers. The have been saying that we will cope easily and everything will be fine, but just to be on the safe side, we will take on extra staff and implement extra training. Really??. Where are the extra staff and when does the training begin?
So far all they have done is move some staff from one post to another and the training consists of leaflets explaining that everyone should do their bit and "go the extra mile". Well my friends let me tell how it is.
The opening ceremony starts today. This morning at silly o'clock when I booked on, there were several coach loads of people mooching about before the station had even opened. The first service to leave the station was heaving with people unsure as to where they were going. When I arrived coastal which is never pleasant, there were shed loads of bewildered people all trying to make their way into London. All day, drivers and conductors and platform staff have been over run with additional numbers of people asking questions. Sometimes new different questions and sometimes the same questions they always ask. trust me when I say we WILL be busier. We are busy everyday and now with this extra million people a day they hope will come into our Capital, only those people on the top shelf don't think we will be busier or unable to cope, the rest of us in the sock drawer know that the next few weeks are going to be a very hectic and arduous time. If it goes well, it will because of the hard work and spirit of those on the front line. I know we will cope cos we are a tough bunch. We will make it work despite the best efforts of those in the ivory tower who will be MIA.  Here is an interesting fact, cows are the only animals that are retro mingent. Boris Johnson is a fat David Beckham. la la la

BEGGARS WITH MONEY

I was at a cash point machine today and I took out twenty pounds. The machine gave me two tenners. No sooner had I retrieved the cash a beggar said 'spare me a quid guv ' . This struck me as strange cos he was talking cockney and I'm coastal. I showed him the two tenners and replied 'yeah course I will have you got change for a ten pound note? He swore at me and walked away. He then asked a women to lend him a pound for a cup of tea but she fucked him off as well. I followed this manky smelling bloke for about ten minutes and watched as he approache loads of people and asked for money. He asked for money so that he could get a cup of tea, he asked for money for a sandwich, he asked for money for the bus home and he asked for money for a bed for the night. After about ten minutes he saw me and came up to me and said 'hello mate, can you lend me a pound?' I replied, ' yeah sure but you already owe me a pound from last time' he looked a bit puzzled so I said 'you remember, it was last week when you came up and said you wanted a pound for the bus home and I gave you a pound?' He still looked puzzled then said 'er yeah I remember, but I'm having a bad week, I will pay you back'  I put my hand in my pocket and took out a load of change and his eyes lit up. I seperated about four one pound coins and put the rest back. He said 'are those for me?' I said 'no they fucking aint, I'm going in the cafe for a bacon and egg roll, you are welcome to stand outside and watch me eat it though' he swore at me so I said 'listen wanker, if you want to beg on the streets it helps if you don't wear expensive trainers now fuck off and get a job you dirty kent' he looked down at his feet then walked away, the sandwich was delicious. La la la

BLACK AND WHITE TRAINS

I'm coastal today. Even though the sun is finally shining its not as nice here as you think. I am trying to have my break. I bought a lovely breakfast bap but this arsehole next to me is being a pain in the neck. He is watching old route learning films on his laptop and they are dated from the thirties. I aint interested in todays trains let alone relics from the thirties. The thing is he keeps shouting out 'here come and look at this, its an old signal box' or  he shouts 'oooh you don't see those anymore' of course you don't see those any more cos its fecking two thousand and twelve you prick. The thing is, I have no interest in what he is watching so he gets his fat hairy arse off the chair and plonks his laptop under my nose and expects me to feign interest. I have told him to fack off twice and I have pretended to be on the phone for an hour and this knobhead still tries to get my attention. Several other people have stood around him ooohing and arghing and I must confess that for just a nano second I nearly had a look but once this rednecks get a grip on you, you're stuck in their twilight zone and every time you have a coastal break, they think you are part of the family and want to high six you when they see you. Who in their right mind watches these very old route learning films? Where do you buy them and why oh why would you even want to? I'm happy being an ignorant git from London and you coastal types can can keep your gas lamps and real ales and home made pies made from real meat still with animal hair and the teeth in. We in London have something called electrity (when its working) and colour telly, yes you heard, colour telly. So forgive me for not being nostalgic but in all honesty, you bore me. La la la

DAMN THOSE BLOODY LANES

Boris Johnson is a turd. He has commissioned some Olympic lanes that only the great and the good can use. In a few days time our roads in London, which at the moment are chocka fecking block during the rush hour, will be streamlined to allow the athletes to whizz past us mere mortals so they can get to their designated places where they can show us how not to win medals. I don't see why they need their own special lanes. The wonderful clever Levi had a good suggestion. In fact she had two. First she suggested, let them use the bus lanes, and secondly she suggested, why don't the vehicles transporting them have sirens. Make them use the roads like everyone else and if for some reason they are running late, they can turn on the sirens and circumvent the traffic like an emergency vehicle. Surely the cost of fitting sirens would be far cheaper than painting special lanes all over the place. The traffic in London is at an all time high and even with the congestion charge, the Capital is like a giant car park for most of the day. Boris the bumbling turd somehow seems to think that if all the athletes arrive on time the Games will be a roaring success. It is all very well saying leave early and or walk, but why should I? I live 8 miles from work. If I have to be there at silly o'clock in the morning, how long will it take me to walk 8 miles? I really hope it doesn't go wrong but I can see it all going wrong on the roads and I envisage a lot of those fancy decorated BMW's being vandalised. Why oh why did the Olympics have to be in London? Why couldn't they be in some other pokey city somewhere else that needs the publicity and the revenue that comes with it? This time next week London will be a city under siege but don't worry about me, I have a garage full of beer and two freezers full of chicken and burgers, I ain't going anywhere cos it will be on telly. Here is an interesting fact, bone china is made from the crushed bones of dead cows (obviously they couldn't use live cows, cos then they would be dead cows), yep its true, bone china is made from cows. la la la

SOLD SIGNS???

What is the point of SOLD signs? I don't see the point of these ridiculous things. I fully understand FOR SALE signs, they are there for a purpose. They inform anyone and everyone who passes that house that its for sale. The FOR SALE sign screams at you. it says "oi mush, come here and look at me, I'm for sale". SOLD SIGNS are just rude. They say "Oi mush, do you want to buy me? well you can't, so jog on. If you wanted me you should come over last week when I was available. "I fail to see why estate agents put these SOLD SIGNS up. What will be next? FAMILY MOVED IN signs. To me, I think its just estate agents showing off, "look at me, I had a house for sale", I put up a FOR SALE sign and I sold. Now I have erected a SOLD SIGN" aint I great? No you are just a smug git. la la la.

WHATS ON MY MIND?

Wha's on my mind? Well in all honesty, not a lot. I am having a fairly relaxing day and I am having a cold beer and a nice meal, (I cooked it myself for me). Anyway, this week I have been looking at various things and several things are in need of addressing. I just hate it when women apply make up on trains. Why oh why don't these lazy bitches get up five minutes earlier and put the slap on in the comfort and privacy of their own home? I often wonder they have to have their mouths open a they try and draw a thin black line over their eyes where they have shaved off a perfectly good eyebrow. I don't understand why they wash their hair and then go to work on public transport with it wet. Don't get me wrong, men are just as bad in a converse way. Stubble looks great on a heart throb on the telly but in reality, most of us just look like we are too lazy to shave. And what about the sniffles? So many people sniffle and snort on the train. BUY SOME FUCKING TISSUES. This week, some bloke on the train kept hawking his phlegm back down his throat, it was disgusting. And what about those ignorant pigs who talk on their phones so loudly you can hear them in the next carriage. And what about those touristy bastards who don't have the good sense to take their bloody rucksacks off their backs in a crowded train? I hate John Terry, I don't care if he called some one a racist name, I just think he is a selfish flash bastard. What I don't understand, is if he said what he is alledged to have said, why didn't he get a punch in the face at the time? If he said that to one of my black friends John Terry would be having his meals through a straw. If found guilty he will be fined £2500, big whup, thats about two hours pay. Ashley Cole called John Terry his best mate, Ashley Cole is a fecking stupid dumb spasticated idiot who needs a character implant, he is so dull and bland. The Olympic security is being looked at and apparently, despite all the posturing and promises of it will be ok, the truth is they don't have a bloody clue what they are doing. They don't have a fecking clue what they are doing. Our public transport system in London is struggling and when these millions of additional people get here to watch our abysmal effort a show, the system will crash. Why are their no decent movies at the cinema this week? Why is it still raining? Why are all scaffolders neanderthal? why is the Olympic logo so fucking awful. The Beckham's irritate me. Buy my book "A Clean Week" on E books, its cheap and a very good read. I wish we as a nation had a spine but we don't, we pay too much for alcohol and cigarettes and have you noticed the price of petrol is creeping up again? You all know I'm right, and you all agree with me, yes you do. I'm off now cos I'm feeling horny and I have some lovely soft tissue. Here is an interesting fact, did you know a rat can last longer without water than a camel? la la la