WHAT A DAY

What a day today has been. I woke up to see that the weather was quite shitty, it was that bad I thought I had woken up in a Coastal place.
I was in the shower and I saw a spider. I killed that spider. Not because it was in my shower staring at my naked body but because it saw me masturbating.
Now masturbating isn't a crime in the privacy of one's own home and lots of people enjoy a good tug before work but I didn't want the spider to go and tell all his mates and then one morning find half a dozen spiders in my shower hoping to catch me tugging away. No witness no crime is my motto.

Anyway the weather was quite shitty and I looked out my patio window and saw that next door had hung some washing out a few days ago and now a blanket had been blown into my garden. Being a good neighbour I trampled it a bit then threw back over the fence.
The thing about not going Coastal is that they then travel up here. I was in the crew room enjoying a coffee and in walks this Coastal guy whose hair looked like astro turf. It was the worst hair covering I have seen in a long time.
He said hello (we have met before), and sat down. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up. I asked him why he rolled up his sleeves and he said he didn't like long sleeves so I suggested short sleeve shirts instead. He looked at me like I had just discovered a new moon and started Googling shirt shops.
So before going out to do a bit I needed a wee. I stood at the urinal to places away from another guy and we heard someone talking on the phone in a cubicle. I said loudly to the other guy 'how the fuck can you talk on the phone whilst taking a shit?' Before he could answer the dirty got in the cubicle shouted 'mind your own business thid is an important call'.
I called him a woman's reproductive part and left (yes I washed my hands first).
Anyway I've got to go for a haircut so finish this later.

Please buy my ebook A Clean Week.

Interesting fact the 1st Mcdonalds only sold hotdogs!

IS IT JUST ME?

Is it just me or have we gone mad. A footballer I have never heard of is missing in a plane crash. The search continues but the plane went missing days ago and has not been seen or heard from, ergo, dead footballer.
What I don't understand is that this multi millionaire footballer sent a message prior to boarding saying the little aircraft didn't look safe and he was worried. My message to the dead guy is serves you right. You have enough money to change planes and you should have but now you are missing obviously dead and the team you just signed for are 15 million quid out of pocket.
Recently a 14 year old boy was knocked off 'his' moped and stabbed to death. Tragic yes but contrary to what his awful parents say, he was no angel.
Firstly he was to young to be riding s moped, secondly it was stolen so therefore not his and thirdly why didn't they stop him from riding it?
A lot of the blame lies with them.
Donald Trump is still the world's biggest vagina.
Theresa May is looking very tired. She must know that no one likes her. I don't see her being prime minister much longer and that stuck up over privileged twat David Cameron says he is sorry that we are in this pickle.
The problem is that this country voted to leave. You can't keep having votes until you get the result you like.
It's worse than playing at Old Trafford.
Man Utd keep playing past the 90 minutes Mark until they equalise or score the winner.
We should tell the EU mob to sod off. We want out, we're getting out get used to it.
I saw one MP with hair like a cancer patient wearing a ridiculous suit saying we won't be able to afford holidays after Brexit. What bollox.
The world changed after 9/11 and will change again after Brexit. No it didn't and no it won't.
After 9/11  America got nervous about visiters to the country and went mental and got paranoid and Brexit just means the rest of Europe will have to finally admit they don't like us.
Anyway on the plus side I am off today and tomorrow which means no Coastal.
I am surfing through Netflix trying to find something to watch and I have just had a delicious steak dinner. (and some wine).
It's bloody cold out so I am staying in, and tomorrow looks like another lazy day too.
Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact...Neil Armsrongs boots are still floating around in space. la la la

HONOURS LIST

What a crock of shit that Honours List is. How the hell has Harry Kane been given an Honour for scoring 5 goals at the World cup?
Firstly, England were in the easiest group and they still struggled, and secondly, Kane gets 200 grand a week to score goals, it's his bloody job.
I am not a fan of Harry Kane, I can never understand what he is saying, he mumbles like a white Mike Tyson.
Have you seen the size of his nose? There is no way I'm sharing my powder with that human Hoover.
Southgate is getting an Honour too for making waistcoats fashionable again and for get some over paid divas to the semi final.
I remember him missing that penalty and crying like a bitch then to add insult to injury he takes a bucket load of cash to make a pizza advert.
Officially he is being recognised for his dedication to the sport. WTF.
I know someone who has been a teacher for 40 years, where is his reward? I know someone who has been a nurse for over 30 years, where is her reward? I know someone who has swept roads for 30 years, where is his reward? The Honours list is a joke.
I haven't killed any ginger haired people for over 40 years, where is my reward?
Last night on the news it was said that the number of fat kids is increasing since they cut back on exercise classes for children so that the over weight slow ones don't feel pressured. In that case do away with maths and science so the stupid kids don't feel pressured either.
I am currently heading Coastal (grrr) and I am reminded of something I read in the paper last week.
This guy wrote to the Guardian newspaper to complain that on the recommendation of their film critic he watched a suggested film. He wrote 'I sat through an hour and 40 minutes of total and utter boredom and no longer trust your critic'.
Don't know about you but if I am totally bored after 20 minutes I switch over. Having said that, this guy lives in a Coastal area so is probably to daft to work the remote control.
Ryanair has once again been voted a crappy airline. I don't suppose the guy who owns it cares, he is still making a fortune from the muppets who keep using his company.
One woman wrote that she has used Ryanair about a dozen times and each time she has been disgusted by the service.
Well madam, more fool you. If I don't like it the first time, I might try a second time and if it still sucks then I will pay a bit more and try another airline.
I am currently heading to the Sunshine Coast and it is dark cold and wet. I doubt if I will see one shred of common sense there as everyone seems to love walking around wearing crocs and shorts all year round trying to catch seagulls at the train station.
On a brighter note, dry January is going well for me, not for the people I keep telling I'm sober to but I just like to feel smug sometimes.
It would be interesting if the punter could get a look at the crew rooms early in the morning and see which drivers they trust. There are some very heavy eyelids at the coffee machine most mornings.
Anyway, I have am arriving at Doofus Central so I will let you know if I survive unscathed later.
Please buy my E book A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, Waterloo Bridge is also known as Ladies bridge because it was built mainly by women.
la la la

2019 SAME OLD SHIT

2019 has started and it looks like continuing like 2018. The same lazy idle workshy malingerers are still not driving trains, Donald Trump is still the world's biggest vagina, Boris Johnson still looks like something that came out of Trumps arse. Theresa May still has terrible dress sense and Corbyn needs a buy new tie and lose the anorak.
There has been an increase in migrants crossing the Channel in small inflatables which is sad and a terrible choice for them to have to make. I believe in sending them straight back but to be honest, if they can get across in a ridiculously small craft their country should call them back and put them straight into their Olympic water sports team.
Brexit is chugging along very badly and is making this great country a laughing stock.
We need to spend more on our military, more on our fire service, more on our police and pay nurses more.
We need to change the criminal justice system. If you get done for any crime, the length given should be the length served, no time off for good behaviour, if you get two years you should serve two years and life for murder should mean life.
Also, anyone being a drunken twat at A&E departments at the weekend should be sent home without treatment, the staff don't deserve that kind of abuse. Did I mention Trump is a big vag?
Getting really annoyed with Chris Grayling, was hoping he fell under a bus for Christmas, (still hoping).
My Christmas was lovely, got loads of stuff I don't need and loads of stuff I don't want.
I am going sober for January, my 5th year doing it. I like the healthy feeling it brings but I get very violent dreams when I go to bed sober, the voices in my head keep telling me who to kill, shoot or set on fire.
Played golf today and played really well (if really well means like a one armed blind man).
Sky Movie channel is disappointing. They boast a new movie every day but it's either a cartoon or arty farty foreign subtitled one and I like to watch my films not read them.
Most of the football pundits reckon this season Liverpool will win it. My Spurs mate said he can't wait to see Spurs lift the trophy. I told him he had more chance of seeing a white Uber driver.
My Korean neighbours have invited me to a BBQ, this weekend which is strange because I thought they would still be upset that their dog went missing yesterday.
Anyway, I am going out so you lot can go and amuse yourselves for the time being.
If you are Wesley, don't mention his hair. He says he is mid 30s but the hair says otherwise.
Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, Arnold Sweatynickers earned £20,000 per word for his role in Terminator 2. (nearly as much as a tube driver).

THE POPE

The Pope is to resign. Got to be honest, I really don't care. Whatever the reason, be it his health or his age or maybe he is just bored of wearing a dress and meeting poor people. I was obviously a little surprised because Popes don't usually resign, they are usually pushed around in a trolley being made to do all the stuff that Popes do until the last bit of dribble has left their lips. Do you remember the last Pope? They carted him all over the globe with dribble and snot leaking from his face and probably a full incontinance pad under his skirt until he finally stopped breathing. At least the current Pope has given his notice, now the sensible thing to do would be to appoint a new Pope so that one can leave on friday and the other start on the monday. This current Pope is 85, in any job its a bit much to ask someone to do a full shift. And what with his advanced age it must have been extremely difficult chasing and catching alter boys. Anyway, he has done the right thing in my opinion, let someone younger fly around the world meeting strangers and racking up airmiles. Let this current Pope retire to a nice rest home with a few hand picked choir boys to keep him happy until he pops off to the big church in the sky. I say we should get someone way younger, someone like the Fonz. Can you imagine how cool that would be? And it would certainly boost the church's image. I don't understand why a lot of people were crying at the news, maybe they are just sad people who were crying just to be on telly. Anyway I am available to take up the job if they want me but I still say a Fonz like character is the way forward. Whatever happens, what are the odds of than dim wit Beckham sticking his unwanted opinion in the media. His new advert for his brand of pants was just that, pants. He used a front double, a bum double, someone else dived into the pool and did the swimming he just stood there with his misspelt tattoos looking gormless. please buy my E book, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, the bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps. La la la.

GREAT MANAGEMENT

They are some people who are born great, some people achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them. I don't know who 'they' are but sometimes they talk a load of cobblers. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies toilet and he turned out to be great (he was also a fat bald alcoholic with a paranoid hatred of foreigners) but he still turned to be great. I just wonder where they got that bunch of clowns I work for. Working where I work is like working for a bunch of Homer Simpsons with Inspector Cleauseau as the man in charge of team building and inspiration. Two people can make the same mistake and be treated with completely differently and yet two people can make the same mistake and have the same manager and still be treated completely differently. It would cause Stephen Hawkin to quit and retire he if he was asked to explain how my company works. I concur that every company has shirkers, malingerers and just down right stroke pulling lazy idle bastards but at my firm these are the ones that get rewarded. Where I work, you are seen as stupid if you turn up on time every day, do a days work and go home. Where I work, there are stoke pullers who blatantly take the piss on a daily basis and laugh at management and yet management (and I use that word loosely) just don't seem to have any idea what to do. Genuine problems are seen as a reason to hassle and chase you and tell you that your job is at risk yet if you ring up and say you can't come in because Santa is stuck in your chimney they seem to believe you. We have one guy who has worked, ha I mean he has been taking money under false pretences for nearly a decade and yet for half that time he has just swanned around pretending to be ill yet when one person had a road accident and needed surgery, they wanted the operation video taped as proof. One guy said he was in constant pain yet passed a medical for a new job. Luckily he was/is a bit of a dullard so he is no loss but you get the picture. Yes, I have pulled the odd stroke but like every normal person its a rare occasion when Arsenal are on telly or there is free booze. I'm not jealous of these lazy bone idle dirt munching toerags I just wish our management would do something about it. Its not the company they are hurting its the poor schmucks who have to pick up the slack. I honestly see one of these idle shits being found beaten to a pulp in the locker room. In an ideal world someone with some real power and sense will stand up in the boardroom and dispose of the collective clown college we call management. I'm sorry for ranting but today something happened to someone I care about and I saw the spud who did it standing in an over coat that is clearly at least two sizes too small grinning like a retard at his reflection in a glass door. He was waiting for 'the other guy' to let him in. We are being run by jellyheads who have never worked on our frontline. Somebody asked me today where's this book you keep promising about this job. The problem I have is that everyday there is a new crazier chapter to add on. Please buy my e-book A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, all mammals have jaws but only humans have chins. La la la diddley see.

EGG SANDWICHES

Today im coastal. It was cold and frosty last night and this morning I had to demist my car windows, ( its a posh car and didnt take long but thats not the point ). There seems to be an awful lot of coastal munters wearing flip flops and long cut down shorts. Im very well wrapped up and im still cold and yet these dillybuds are swanning around like its positively mild. Anyway , I was standing the sandwich kiosk waiting for some toast and a cup of tea, ( they use cheap tea bags here but its the only place open ) and some bloke just walked to me and asked me what I like to have with my egg sandwiches. I lloked at him a bit bemused and he said that he is trying to get fit and wants to eat healthy food. I told him bacon with eggs are quite nice and he called me a liar. I replied by telling him to go away ( not that nicely) and he said that I looked like someone who went to the gym so probably didnt eat bacon because it was fried. I told him you can grill bacon and have scrambled eggs but he said he didnt believe me when I said I ate bacon. I asked him if I looked like a muslim or something like that and he said ' whats a muslim supposed to look like? ' which is a fair question so again I said' look mate I aint from around here so eat what you like but leave me alone you nutjob' he replied ' I suppose you want the gym to yourself you selfish bastard' I looked at him and said ' go away you mental retard you need to find a rubber room and lock yourself in ' just then my toast and tea arrived and I showed it to him and said ' look, no eggs or bacon' he gasped and said 'are eggs and bacon bad to eat should I just have toast? I laughed and said ' Yes you dingus, buy lots of bread and eat lots of toast, nothing but toast, just be be sure dont even have butter, just dry toast, all day every day' . He ordered some toast and I walked away laughing. I hate being coastal. Please buy my E book, A Clean Week. Here is an interesting fact, Armadilloes can walk under water. La la la.