READY FOR CHRISTMAS

Twice today I have been asked if I'm ready for christmas. No,no I aint, christmas is still ages away and I have plenty of time. I am not one of those sad people that buys their christmas presents in February and March and then tucks them away under the stairs for ten months. I also aint one of those daft idiots who stock up on bread, milk, butter and sugar "just in case". Last year, on the day before christmas eve, I was in Tesco and the family in front of me at the counter had seven loaves of bread and four, four pints of milk, and I heard the man ask his wife if she thought it was enough. Good grief people, we are in 2011, most of the shops don't close anymore. Last week I told you how I was going to the pound shop to buy presents for my friends. Well luckily I didn't because up the road a new shop has opened and its called " The 99p store" so already I'm better off. And on top of that someone I was getting a prezzie for has pissed me off so he aint getting feck all from me so I'm not gonna be stuck trying to find another friend to off load a pair of jokey socks on.
Also, contrary to popular belief, I do like christmas, its another excuse to over eat and over drink. Its the the bloody adverts that irritate me. The telly is always showing us the must have toys and the must have accessories. I think its brain washing and propaganda gone wrong. On the one hand we should buy our children all these lovely computer type toys that are way too expensive but you will look like a council estate pauper if your kids don't have them, but on the back of the box its says "coming soon, a new and improved version" so the damn thing is obsolete before its been opened. Then if thats not enough, some bearded cardigan sandal wearing treehugger moans that the packaging is destroying the Earth.
A recent survey has stated that most of our under tens are obese because they spend too much time in front of the telly playing computer games and not getting enough excercise. How can our kids get excercise when the treehugger I mentioned claims its too dangerous to play conkers. I say instead of selling a kidney to pay for expensive soon to be out of date electronic gadgets, if you have young son buy him a bike and a football, if you have a young daghter buy her a bike and a skipping rope and send them out to play. It keeps them healthy and while they are out side the parents can have some peace and quiet (or sneaky hanky panky).
Having said that, the survey that said our young kids are obese and in serious danger of dieing in their twenties is missing the point. If all these little fat fuckers die young it will help solve the current pensions crisis. London Mayor??? vote for me.

POSTAL (dis) SERVICE

In the papers recently, Royal Mail announced that almost 80,000 people had applied for the 18,000 temporary christmas jobs this year. I was off yesterday, and I was enjoying a nice relaxing day. I heard my letter box flap so I went to get my post. Delivered through my door was a card saying that there was no postal service today but I had mail waiting for me at the sorting office. I was a bit confused but I got dressed and went to the sorting office to pick up my mail. At the sorting office there were a few people waiting outside and it turned out that the damned place was closed for lunch. Luckily I "only" had to wait 15 minutes for it to re open. When it was my turn to be served, I found myself talking to a large unhelpful asian version of Lenny Henny. He was big and fat and dressed like he should be funny but wasnt funny. I asked him why the sorting office was closed for lunch as some people can only collect their mail at lunchtimes because they are at work. He replied "Shortage of staff".I told him that Royal Mail had just had a massive load of applicants for jobs and he just sniffed and said "We aint had none here mate". I handed him the card and waited for him to get my mail. He came back quickly with one measly envelope and handed it to me. I looked at the envelope then I looked at him then I looked at him again then I said " Are you fecking shitting me,? you put a card through my door and make me come all this way for one lousy envelope" He just shrugged and said " Told ya, were are short handed" I was just about to explain the absurdity when another worker turned up and butted in. This bald version of Vanessa Feltz told me he was the depot supervisor and could answer all my questions, so I asked him where the logic was in sending a postman out to deliver a card telliong me to come and get my mail, why not just give him my mail to deliver,after all its called "The Postal Service" not "The Come And Get It Yourself Service". He also said they were short of man power. I reminded him of the 80,000 people Royal Mail had at their disposal and he got cocky and said they need to be trained first, it takes brains to be a postman. I looked him in the eye and said " if your so brainy, why are you wearing odd socks?. This "brainy" surpervisor only lifted his trousers to check. "I aint wearing odd socks" he blurted. I said " I know you berk but you still looked" He then got lippy and said "If you are so clever how would you do things?" I said " I would change three things, first I wouldnt send a fecking postman out delivering bloody cards when he should be delivering letters, secondly, I wouldnt shut for lunch as some people can only get here in their lunch hours, and thirdly and most importantly and the thing to make the most improvement, I would replace your dopey arse with a slab of cheese you knob head ( very articulate I thought). Well this idiot exploded and shouted, "Dont call me a slab of cheese" I replied " I didnt you div, I said I would replace you with a slab of cheese, it would probly do a better job" We stared at each other for a few seconds the I leant towards him and said "Im going now and when I turn around dont stare at my arse" he went mad and said " Im not gay im not gay" when I got to the door, without turning around I said "I told you not to stare at my arse" he yelled " I didnt" I yelled back "Yes you bloody did" and walked out. I was way up the road when he appeared at the door where there was a load of people waiting to go in and he shouted " I was not staring at your arse" and all those people laughed at him. I felt very superior. I probably wont get any post til after christmas now, but look on the bright side, no post means no bills and no bills means more money to spend on beer. La la la.
In todays paper is a sad story about a fat despucable woman who stole a bronze war memorial plaque and tried to sell it a scrap dealer. Unfortunately this dealer was honest and didnt buy it so this pig of a woman claims to have sold it to a stranger for £15. This obese despicable vile person claims to be an alcoholic and needed a drink. What a lousy excuse for being a rotten scunbag. She is due to be sentenced next week, lets hope she gets some serious jail time or failing that, a fatal dose of alchohol poisoning ( which reminds me, I have beer in the fridge). This woman is a vile abomination and if you know her you have a poor taste in friends. Vote for me as London Mayor and I will sort these low lifes out properly. Vote for me, do it now.

My Money, My Mouth, My Choice

There is another boring survey in today's paper saying cheap booze is leading to a rise in alcoholism, a rise in teenage crime and a rise in alcohol related hospital admissions. So fecking what, if these wallies get too pissed and fall off scaffolding or steal a car and crash and hurt themselves so fecking what. The price of alcohol is not the reason for this. The reason is purely that some people are too fecking stupid to drink. Why should people who can handle their drink be punished because of the silly muppets with low brain cell counts who can't. Its my money and its my mouth so its my choice how much alcohol I will shove in me. I get well and truly fecking mad when I read about some parent in the paper crying because their dumb as dogshit son has wrapped a stolen car around a tree (be grateful it wasn't an innocent bystander)and then claim it was because he had access to cheap booze. I have been drinking for years but I have never stolen a car (I have but not whilst drunk)I have also climbed scaffolding and trees and done all sorts of silly things but I normally do these sober and if and when I hurt myself, I just larf and say it was my own fault. If people want to get arsey about stuff why don't we treble the cost of take-away food so that those fat lazy types who are too lazy to cook will lose weight because they can't afford chips n curry sauce. And why don't we sell only Rolls Royces so that there will be less car accidents on the roads and while we are at it why don't we sterilise all the ginger haired kids so they can't have offspring. Cheap booze is not the reason people get hurt. Lets not blame alcohol for other peoples stupidity. Like I said its my money so I will spend it on cheap booze which tastes the same as expensive booze and I will take the rap for any harm I do to myself. So can all you bleeding heart sandal wearing tree hugging lentil munching do-gooders feck off back to your solar powered rubber rooms and leaves us happy drunks alone. La la la.

THIS WEEK

This has been a right bastard week. I paid some guy to do some work to build me a second garage and the fecking tosser fell off the roof so now I have a large hole next to my house. I was walking down the street yesterday and I saw a humongous fat lady, (I think it was a lady), I moved to one side to avoid her and she moved the same way so I moved back and the fat freak moved back too, as we got closer I moved over again and the fecking hippo moved too. We almost collided. the fat beast said to me "how much bloody pavement do you want you wanker" I replied "if I could get enough to get two people your size on it I would sell it to gatwick airport for their extra runway you ugly rhino. She wasn't happy but was too fat to chase me. I stood behind some fecking loser at the cash point and three times, how many times? three times his card said INSUFFICIENT FUNDS but the fecker still kept trying. Miserable Ken at the gym was moaning about his tooth ache. I told him to go to the dentist cos his grille needs repainting, all his fangs are different colours. He moaned that his dentist had no parking and he couldnt be arsed to take the bus. He gets it FREE and he couldn't be arsed. Just so you know, my teeth are lovely. Im not keen on Ashton Kutcher taking over from Charlie Sheen on the Two and a Half Men program, its okay but it aint the same. I am doing a challenge at the gym where you have 50 days to do 25 wide grip pull ups, I'm up to 16 and I have 40 days left. The prize is one free month and a bottle of wine, and its not rubbish wine, its from Lidls. Anyway have to go now I played golf today and I was fecking useless. I spent so much time in the bushes the police came cos they thought I was a sex pest, (I am but not today). I have to cook my dinner and your all welcome, I'm having roast potatoes, chips and mash. la la la

COUNCIL PEOPLE IRRITATE ME

I am not a snob. I own a decent house and I have a decent job. What pisses me off is those whinging wankers who live in council flats and moan about things they aint got. I was in the gym this morning and this fat guy who goes there was moaning about his weight and his eqyually fat unattractive wife. This guy who I shall call Ken, (cos thats his real name)was moaning the council have put the price of his garage rent up to £12 a week. I asked him what car he had, and likea stupid moron grinned and said Vauxhall Omega. Now this fat waste of skin doesnt work and only drives his car in the rain cos he dont like getting wet. He has two daughters and three grandkids and says the car is the only way they can all travel together cos bus seats are too narrow. He boasted that he lied to his doctor so that he could get his gym membership at a discount on medical grounds. this fecking whale has been going to the gym for over a year and has not lost a pound in weight. He walks on the treadmill at a granny pace for thirty minutes then on the way home buys six cans of Stella ( ahhh stella) for a fiver, every day. He moaned that the price of oven chips has risen twice this year. Who the fecking hell eats oven chips?. He admits him and Mrs Fatwhale smoke about 40 fags a day, it used to be more but they cant afford more. Makes me want to weep for the fecking redneck bastards. Imagine a bald Robbie Coltrane with a moustache and that is what this pig looks like.
Then my other reason for disliking council rednecks are my neighbours a few doors away. I own my house, I like my house its a nice house and its mine, but..... just yards away is afecking family of bastards that make too much noise, they only go in or out in the early hours of the morning and they are always fighting. Not one week goes by with them breaking a window or ripping down their garden fence. Last week, Mr Noisybollox smashed his fence down cos his partner shut him during a row. Its a shame its illegal to shoot people cos trust me, I would spend all my fecking money on bullets and shovels, ( well you cant leave em lying there dead so I would be decent and bury them). The thing is, every week a council contractor has to come and put right the damage these lowlifes cause and it irritates me. I beg all of you, vote me in as London mayor, and I will eradicate the problem of scummy council dwellers. la la la

YOU BEING ME

How do you feel today? I bet you dont feel as great as me. I went to the gym on saturday and had a massive workout, I went to the gym on sunday and had a massive workout, I had a spin class last nite and I put in a tremendous effort and felt awesome afterwards. This morning I went to the gym again and several people commented on my high level of fitness and my workout rate. They envied me. Just like you are doing right now. I know one or two of you are kidding yourselves that you dont, but I know that you do. Right now I feel so healthy and alive and happy I just feel sorry for the rest of you.

D. LIST NOBODIES

My mate has just called me. Well he aint my mate anymore cos I told him to feck off. The silly arse rang me to see if I knew who had been kicked out of the Big Brother house. No. NO I DONT. And whats more I dont bloodywell care. I dont watch it, I never have and I never will. The people who go on that programme aint celebrities, they are, almost well known losers who dont have real lives to lead. The current crop contains a pooper with whose husband cant control her, a loser pickey who is famous for getting bashed up, two ugly twins with hair that should be cut off from the throat up and a fat bloke who has fake boobs and stomach. I pride myself on having better tatse in my TV choice. These people dont interest me one iota. I told my ex mate that after I called him a word that rhymes with front. I cant believe he would watch such drivel and I am flabbergasted that he thought I would waste my time watching it. Listen up people, these types of shows are crap, its cheap entertainment that doesnt entertain and all the while brain dead jeremy kyle type people watch them then the more occasions we will find them on telly and in our newspapers. Its time we all said NO. Vote for me, vote for me. I will save you.