PARTY TIME

This time last year we were all told to stay away from everyone to not travel anywhere, don't visit friends and family, wear a face covering and most definitely do not have any parties. 

Most of us did that, we followed the guidance and played our part. 

Not that fat fuck Bumbling Boris.

He decided the rules didn't apply to him and he held a gathering for the chosen few. 

How does he manage to make everything he wears look like something Benny Hill threw away?

He looks like a fly tipped mattress. 

Anyway, Christmas is nearly here and I need to think about buying some gifts.

I was looking at the Ann Summers web page, thought I'd try to spice things up in the bedroom. 

I am a fairly broad minded person so seeing sex toys and stuff didn't bother me, however, I saw the blow up doll section which I imagine is for guys who can't get a real women. I understand that, I really do, some men are so sad they take photos of trains and eat packed lunches their mums make. What I can't get my head around is blow up sheep. Who the fuck needs a blow up sheep? If you are the guy who can't get a real sheep you should not leave your home ever.

If you have to buy a blow up sheep for you to use as a lover then you are beyond help.

So anyway as I said Christmas is nearly here and the usual suspects have started going sick at work, the usual malingerers are faking being unwell so that they can have the festive season off.

Personally I don't mind but it fux me off seeing pictures of them playing golf or riding push bikes on a bike trail when they claim to be too ill to get out of bed.

On a different subject, yesterday I was in the supermarket and I heard a lady of some weight (that's me being PC and not saying 'some fat bird') on her phone telling someone it's not her fault that she is fat but being fat is like being gay, it just happens. 

No fucking way. You don't wake up fat, it's a journey you put yourself through, gay is how you are, it is in your DNA, and it does not make you a bad person, some of my best friends are gay they are intelligent and funny people who I love. Fat people tend to be obnoxious biscuit munching cake swallowing coke drinking lazy fat toads who get out of breath reading a newspaper. 

Anyway,  I am not working today, just got back from the gym and now I am about to crack open a beer  (vicious circle I know).

If I don't see you (it's probably for a reason), have a fabulous Christmas, eat, drink, get laid and try to be nice.

Please buy my E book,  A Clean Week. 

Here is an interesting fact,  a cat can jump five times higher than its tail.

LOCKDOWN? WHAT LOCKDOWN ?

 We are supposed to be in a LOCKDOWN.

Don't make me laugh coz that is absolutely not what is happening. I was at a well known supermarket over the weekend and it was packed. No one seemed to care, far too many were not wearing face coverings, the staff looked like they had just been flogged by their bosses and the shelves had the same crap they always sold. 

I then popped into B&Q and that too was busy, granted it was a Sunday and people pop out on a Sunday but they bloody well shouldn't be (me included).

There was a long vehicle queue at McDonald's and an equally long queue at KFC (don't know why coz that is shit food).

The Old Kent Road was heavy with traffic in both directions and there was a fairly long queue outside the new Deli which opened near Tesco extra, the one with the beggar sitting outside asking for money. 

I give him fuck all coz I know he has a council flat and a job as a plumber. 

It sickens me to see that scabby toad of a scrounger conning people and now I don't give to any of them in case they are lying lazy shit stains like him. 

I have travelled on the tube a lot recently and they have been packed with builders and construction workers going to work so who changed the definition of key workers?

It really fux me off to see these people in dirty paint covered clothes travelling on public transport not caring that they are messing up the seats with the mess their clothes make. I saw one painter who must be the world's worst painter, he had more paint on him than he puts on the walls. 

We need a proper rethink if we are to have any hope of getting through this. 

I walked around the Dock and again there were so many people out, many just sitting on benches smoking and drinking without a care in the world, social distancing my arse.

Anyway, let's talk about Superman. 

Here is a guy in a suit and glasses and yet he takes off the glasses and no one recognises him ( stoopid Yanks)

I wonder if he is hot wearing a hero costume under his suit all day. 

I also wonder about how he changes. He gets the call, dashes into a phone box and flies off. He saves the day and puts his clothes back on. What if while he is off being a hero someone uses that phone box and finds his suit, what does he do then?

He must get through a lot of suits. 

I wonder if he gets horny at any time. 

All that power and strength and the ability to fly, and no girlfriend, sounds like a bit of a loser to me.

Anyway, just think about how you can help to keep this virus away and no unfortunately we can't send it to France, fuck sake they would all be over here hiding in cupboards if we did that. 

Please buy my e book, A Clean Week, and my new book Easy Pickings is nearly ready. 

Here is an interesting fact, male squirrels can perform felatio on themselves (lucky). 

A ROUGH FEW WEEKS

It has been a really tough couple of weeks. The weather has been rubbish, Vauxhall bridge has been closed making going to and from work a bloody nightmare. Some daft idiot driver dinked my car and the hire car is horrible to drive. It has some good features but not many.

Vauxhall bridge is closed and so diversions are in place. I tried cycling but it is bloody dangerous on the roads and the two biggest dangers are dumb arse pedestrians and other cyclists.

Pedestrians don't look and cyclists think they own the roads and that traffic lights are for everyone else.

I also started using the tube. What a noisy shit way to travel.

I am absolutely astonished at how many people have no spatial awareness and think the escalator is a ride. It really fux me off to be stuck behind some fat woman blocking the way while the escalator struggles to convey her fat arse upwards.

And 99 out of 100 people use their phones. It is absolutely stupid listening to these morons shout at their phones.

Some daft woman banged into my car. Her first words were ' it's ok I'm a Christian'.

My first words were 'look what you did to my car you blind cntu'.

She tried to offer me cash but I made her give up her insurance details and now I am just waiting for things to pan out.

The courtesy car is nice but it has a button for a handbrake. Not loving that. The electric boot is cool though.

Saw Faulkner earlier this week. How can someone be so tall and handsome with perfect hair but have such a shapeless butt?

I see that the northern lot are on lock down again. Serves them right for not following the guidelines.

We should all wear a mask in shops and on public transport although some of my colleagues are still leaving the train cabs messy.

Finally finished my next book, Easy Pickings, it's on its way to the publisher.

Big hello to Derek and Lynne, hope you are still causing trouble at Weatherspoons.

Hello Wesley, answer the phone you devil.

Can someone please read this to Peggles.

Why is Donald Trump still alive?

Here is an interesting fact, there are more statues of lions in the world than real lions.

This blog was made possible with the great help of Levi who helped me remember how to log on. Many thanks.

Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.

BEE IN MY BONNET

I have a bee in my bonnet today. I am getting miffed at the amount of people ignoring the guidelines and just doing whatever they want to.
The park was busy today and quite a few people were just sitting on blankets drinking alcohol. I like alcohol, it's my middle name but I drink indoors because I am on lock down.
The trains are getting busier and there is no way they are all key workers.
Talking of key workers, this Thursday clap nonsense is getting silly. Clapping, yes, banging pots and pans and sounding car horns no.
It was nice to hear on the radio the rest of the key workers getting recognition, we/they deserve it too.
Nightingale hospital is being put on standby, why?? The are 4000 beds there, that's 4000 rough sleepers who could have somewhere warm and safe to sleep.
Bumbling Boris keeps thanking the NHS and rightly so but this fat fest should stick his hand in his rather deep pockets and buy a ventilation machine for the ward he was on. £100 million plus has been donated for the NHS, how many new nurses would that fund?.
The nurses deserve the recognition they are getting but they should have had that all along. This government cheered when they denied the nurses a pay rise and now they want us to give our cash to the NHS.
I wonder how many over paid MPs have donated.
Something else annoying me is every other advert on telly is a charity asking for money, it is getting ridiculous.
The footballers being asked to take a pay cut should give that money to the back room staff, they really need it.
Yesterday, Faulkner was asleep in the back room and within seconds of waking up his hair was immaculate, and I mean immaculate, it was like looking at a young Wesley.
Big shout to my good friend Lynne, she must be going mad cooped up with Derek all day. Derek makes great cakes (that's a hint Derek, I would love one of your cakes).
I am off this weekend but my first trip next week is bloody coastal, grrr.
Please buy my E book A Clean Week, and get a preview of my next book, Easy Pickings.
Here is an interesting fact, there is a variety of carrot beginning with every letter of the alphabet except the letter X.  la la la.

FAULKNER

Boris has the virus. He is in intensive care in a NHS hospital. Bet he wishes his Tory party hadn't made so many cuts over the years, but we wish him well.
Wesley has moved down south to live with the sheep and has taken his perfect hair with him. Not a problem because I have found the perfect replacement.
His name is Michael Faulkner. We don't like Michael because he is everything I ain't. He is tall, good looking, nice personality and bloody immaculate hair. No arse though, he is very flat at the back. Me, I'm short fat bald ugly, big cock nice firm bum.
I went to the park for my run today and was dismayed to see people using the outside gym despite being told not to. Some people are just morons.
I am supposed to be lates next week but I am hoping Gibbsy will do his magic and get me off.
We like Gibbsy, he has a nice smile (I'm not gay I'm just being honest). He swears he ain't gay but every time someone bends over he touches their bum, and has a weird habit of rubbing his crotch when he talks to you.
Went to my local Tesco after my run and it was nice to see it looking almost normal. No queues, stock on the shelves and no one panic buying.
Still missing the football but I am re-reading my E book, A Clean Week, it's a really good book ,you should buy a copy for a friend.
Honor Blackman has passed away. She looked very Hubba Hubba in that Bond movie. She was 94 which ain't bad.
I'm still concerned that some of my colleagues are leaving the cabs in a shit state, (you know who you are you disgusting pigs).
It's Easter this weekend, feel free to give me chocolate (or bacon).
Here is an interesting fact, people who kiss their dogs have lower blood pressure than those who don't.
la la la.

VIRUS UPDATE

Well this weekend the weather is supposed to be very nice. Let's see how many numpties ignore government advice and and go outside unnecessarily.
Well done to the front line NHS, the rest of us key workers got a half mention hidden in a statement by Boris during the week.
It can't be easy being cooped up indoors but it needs to be done. I would like to say hello to my good friend Derek Cue and his wife Lynne, they are staying in and haven't killed each other yet. Derek is always smartly dressed, he is a good man, his wife Lynne is a good man too.
Have you noticed that the media are not talking about the flood victims anymore? What about that annoying brat Greta Thunberg? I am so glad her punchable face is not always on the telly, she really got on my nerves.
The usual suspects are still pretending to have the virus and after this weekend I expect a few more to drop out.
Mr Peglar doesn't think he looks old but the grey hair is a giveaway.
My so called mate Wesley is not answering his phone, he better be dead or I will be annoyed.
Apparently the ozone has improved because of less traffic. I must be honest, talking about the ozone is something I find really boring.
Still no sports being played, Saturdays are boring now, no football has disappointed me more than the invention of the bagpipes.
On the bright side, we are saving money by not going on holidays.
If you need something to do, read my E book, A Clean Week. And get the first few chapters of my new book, Easy Pickings.
What's blue and not heavy? Light blue, ha ha ha ha.
Here is an interesting fact, the lighter was invented before the match. la la la.

VIRUS NONSENSE

This virus is being a bit of a nuisance. People are acting very oddly indeed. The nation is very divided, bringing out the best and the worst of people.
We have weak minded panic buyers taking more than they need. We have people who can't get what they need, we have hoarders being selfish and we have those who are profiteering.
Yes our NHS are doing an amazing job going above and beyond but what about the other key workers?
It sickens me to see till staff being verbally abused by morons acting like neanderthals, it irritates me greatly when rich people appear on telly and tell us to do more. Only this morning in the paper is a picture of that skinny miserable cow Posh Becks showing off her new £19 million dollar flat.
Has anyone seen Prince Philip? I think he may be brown bread but because currently he won't get a state funeral they are keeping it quiet for now.
Who was that moron licking the handles of shopping trolleys and why has he not been arrested yet?
Where I work I have seen people trying to fill bottles with sanitiser from the free ones hanging on the walls, it is ridiculous.
Obviously the usual suspects have taken the opportunity to go sick knowing they will still get paid and the honest ones amongst us know who they are.
The real down side is that the pubs are shut and I was wondering if the bar is open at the house of commons/lords.
Can't the pubs open for key workers only?
It would be nice to have drink without bumping into soppy lawyers and office staff and all those that used to look down on the lower echelons of society.
All of a sudden they need those bus drivers, they need those people working in the shops, they need those cleaners doing what they do and now look, who is the key person at your office.
Wesley is leaving. Who?? Wesley, the guy with the hair.
He is off to the sheep county, obviously had enough living in civilisation and wants the quiet (boring) life.
Boris has the virus but he was nuts before he got it so no sympathy there.
Donald Blump does not have a clue and just stands there looking even more lost than usual.
Hello Mr Peglar (he's the young one who looks old).
So anyway, lets all try be sensible and only buy what you need and stay in if you can. I can recommend a really good book, A Clean Week and if you look on my blog page you get a look at my next book, Easy Pickings.
Here is an interesting fact, women shoplift more than men, the statistics say 4 to 1.  Lalala