STEROID OLYMPICS

I have been asked once again if I am looking forward to the olympics. My answer is now as it always has been, no, no I'm not. I really aint bothered that some middle class or upper class well to do kids can do some exercise a bit good. Also, I am not interested in the paralympics either. I aint concerned that some guy with one leg can still run, I don't care that some woman with one arm can throw a shot putt, I dont care that some guy with ginger hair can jump off a board into a pool of water. If you want my attention why don't we have the Steroid Olympics. Yes I said it, the steroid olympics. Just before the 1500 metres lets pump some idiot with enough steroids to stun a horse then fire the starting pistol. Lets watch him win the race in just over 3 minutes and have a heart attack on the finish line. Lets build a wall several metres past the 100 metre finish line and watch all those jacked up runners go so fast they can't stop and hit the wall at high speed. Can you imagine how much funnier that would be? Or watching a marathon where no one stops until their heart gives in? It might be a bit gruesome but it would make people laugh, turn people off drugs and I bet they would show it on Youtube.

ME BORIS AND KEN

I got a letter today. It's from the office of electoral transparency. It contained my cheque less administration obviously for my application to be London Mayor. I paid the money cos I want to be the Mayor of this great metropolis. Apparently I can't prove that I don't need the wage that comes with being the London Mayor which leaves me open to corruption so my application is disqualified. I have never ever taken a bribe that wasn't worth it. So, anyway its official. The fight to be London Mayor is a two donkey race. Weasly Ken and Bumbling Boris. That thin faced weasel Ken who is famous for accepting gifts and who let the CND use the city hall free of charge is toe to toe with bumbling bonking Boris. Ken went to the History museum recently with his two kids and barged his way to the front of the queue and gave it the 'do you know who I am? Routine' and when the guard explained how a queue works, Ken demanded to see the manager. He demanded that the guard be fired just for doing his job. Ken is lucky I wasn't there with my grandkids cos if he pushed in front of me there would be something else that no longer exists hanging the wall, bloody Ken Livingston. I despise that man. He bleats on about everyone being PC minded then calls people fags and nazis. And lets not forget Boris. He is supposed to be a multi millionnaire but only has two suits. The beige one with the soup stain and the black one with his dandruff on. And it's a lot of dandruff. His mother was by his side recently saying vote for him. Fecking hell, she looks just like him. Its as if his parents were brother and sister and their parents were brother and sister. He claims to cycle a lot. I notice he doesn't use a 'Boris' bike. He uses one he was 'given' from a cycle shop in north London. Not a bung but a gift. Its a con. Ken wants to spend money making London great again and Boris wants everyone except himself to tighten our belts. They are focusing on a ten year plan, sod that, lets worry about this year and maybe next year and see how we are doing. I aint giving up the fight, they might move the goal posts and change the rules but I know how to fight dirty, I know how to cheat, its not over yet and if I do really have to get dirty, I will play the race card, followed by the disability card (I'm short) and then the is it cos I is black card. This fight could take a while, then I might try the I was abused as a child card. I will get there, but right now I'm not sure how.

SHAKE HANDS CHILDREN

Front and back page news on todays sunday papers, one ugly faced spoilt footballer didn't shake the hand of another ugly faced spoilt footballer. Who the hell cares. Whether Suarez did or did not say racist things or not, if Evra was that annoyed he should have punched Suarez in the mouth in the tunnel after the game. Anyway, what a shock in the news this morning, Whitney Houston is dead, I just heard that Bobby Brown killed himself when he heard the news. He left a suicide note, it said 'two can play that game'. I was considering my holiday options and I have decided not to go to America. Have you noticed how many people are found dead in American hotel rooms? It's amazing how many famous or well known people with big fancy homes go to hotels and end up dead. I think the hotel industry in the USA needs a massive overhaul. If it aint people being found dead its chambermaids claiming to be molested by celebrities. It never ceases to amaze me that you never hear about Mr or Mrs average being found dead from a massive overdose, naked and tied up with an apple up their bums or a chambermaid being fisted by a truckdriver. Luckily now hotels don't supply chambermaids and are too unclean for someone to want to top themselves in. Bloody Americans, they're all yankers in my book. La la la

ALIENS VS EARTH

My God, I'm watching yet another movie where ET wants to kick Earths butt. Aliens, or Extra Terrestrials want to come here and harvest all the humans but are being thwarted by the Yankers. What makes these bloody fat overweight yankers drive on the wrong side of the road, wear shorts when their fat people, think they are the only chance the Human race has if the ET shit hits the fan? Going by all the films I have watched, normal and adult, if this Universe ever got into trouble, it would probably be because of the Yankers. They are fat, loud, badly dressed and over budgeted. They think they own the world. Its not us the Aliens don't like, its the Americans. The rest of the world should disown them (and the French) and have nothing alien to worry about.

ITS THEM NOT ME

Today was a nine and a half hour day. When I booked on the office was full of drivers trying to get out of work, and Jay was not doing any work and people who were running late....again. The managers were doing their change over so that was going pants and not much was getting done. I was headed coastal and I had a very tardy (it means late or slow) coming with me. Anyway, I got the train ready but was held by a red signal cos the Gatwick train was running late.... again. When I finally got going I was on cautionary signals all the way to Purley. Some silly bastard passengers tapped their watches and some gave me the evil eye as I pulled into the stations, it didnt bother me, it never does. I got to Bognor 14 minutes late and like I said it didn't bother me. We left on time and at one of the stations a manager got in the cab. This silly fecker was a guard about a hundred years ago, then became a driver for about 74 seconds before going into management. So he starts off saying pretend I'm not here and I'm not here to judge, then he starts asking me questions about the route and its pitfalls. This farked me right off. I'm good, I'm very good and this skinny, balding, bucktoothed, imbecile with a sense of self importance was questioning me. He asked several questions and I farking answered them with too much information, I blew his mind. So I turned the tables. I asked him some traction questions. The fecking weasal didn't know, but it shut him up. He got out at Horsham. So I get to Victoria and the usual suspects were still trying to get their last bits covered. I aint got the time for all that messing about. I did my last trip, got changed and drove home. On the way some silly old bint in a Honda Civic had managed to mount the pavement at the Elephant and buggered up the traffic flow. Her excuse was "I dont normally come this way on a friday". If you don't normally come this way love go the way you normally go, you dummy. Anyway I eventually got home despite the Old Kent Road being blocked by a burst water main, yeah I know, who saw that coming? I went straight to the gym and during my massive workout during which I ran round the marina twice (2.3 miles) two silly pikey types came in for a workout wearing their street clothes. I watched these two dickheads grunt their way through a workout and one of them ripped his shorts doing a pull up. This dirty minger said "now I have nothing to wear to the club tonight". The dirty pair of pikey bastards were working out in the clothes they were gonna go out in. I just don't get some people, but you know what? It ain't me its them.

CAPPELLO

Fuck Cappello, fuck him all the way to the Italian shores he came from. He was the wrong choice then and he is the wrong choice now. The fecker didn't even bother to learn English. I am surprised the FA even bothered with a foreign manager. If we win, people will say you had to get a foreign manager, if we lose they say its because we had a foreign manager. No country has ever won with a foreign manager. And before you fucking stupid wankers who drag your knuckles along the ground scream out Redknapps name, lets not forget he claims to not be able to read and write. Do we really want a thick c**t (pardon my language) for a manager. Also John fuckhead Terry. Is it right he was stripped of the captaincy? If he was decent he would have stepped down until he wins or loses the case. I know who I want for England manager and I know who I want for captain. It aint Gerrard the thug, it aint Ferdidnand the junkie, it aint Rooney the granny shagger or Lampard the love cheat,. Most of the England team don't deserve the armband so maybe we should give it to someone who hasn't been caught thieving, shagging, stealing or driving drunk. I know that doesn't leave many but lets start there. Goodbye Capello and keep your racist thoughts to yourself John Terry but lets hope the FA get it right for once. I just wish we had more to choose from. None of them are worthy of the honour. What a shame.

JAYWALKERS

I aint all that keen on the Americans, I think they are messing up the world with their gung ho policies and threatening nature, and like the French, they know no one likes them. However, among all their stupid laws is one law that I really wish we had in this country. JAYWALKING. Thats right I said jaywalking. The worst part of my journey to work starts when I get to Waterloo. It like everyone stops being aware of what they are doing and just mooch about aimlessly. And I aint just talking about those pain in the arse tourists who can manage to get halfway around the world but can't find the right bloody platform. I'm talking about those ignorant self absorbed boneheads who are too lazy to look where they're going. On a daily basis I find myself swearing at some gormless wanker who just steps out without looking. What really fecks me off is they get all indignant like its my fault. Its not that I care if I run one of the numbnuts over, its the damage to my car that concerns me, or even worse, the damage to my bike. The paper work alone just dealing with the insurance company is frightening. One guy who I just managed to avoid took out his phone and took a picture of my number plate so I stopped and backed up, the bastard coward ran away. Knowing my luck which is currently all bad, I will run over a yanker (American wanker) and the police will turn up, and even with a dozen witnesses I will still be arrested because of the lost revenue from tourism whilst the yanker milks his stay in hospital. My mate got arrested for running over a tourist, it was the tourists fault but when the police arrived my mate who had just bought this shiny new car could not explain the boot marks on the other guys face. I think that when these irritating visitors to our shores arrive at the airport, whilst waiting for their luggage they should be given a test on manners and crossing the road, if they fail either test we should send them back home. Unless we are allowed to run people over and they show no signs of caring for their own safety I don't see why we should have hazard awareness tests for new drivers. I also think when going to the pictures you should prove you can open a bag of sweets quietly before being let in. I have had many films ruined by noisy eaters. When I'm mayor jaywalking will be on my list of things to do and I will definately take a look at foreign statistics on road safety. Anyone from a country with a high rate of accidents will be made to wear bright yellow foam suits when out walking on our streets. La la la