TEA

I was coastal today, I'm never keen on being coastal, they're a weird bunch. Anyway as I entered the room I nearly bumped in a guy who was holding a teapot. I said sorry but he said "mind my teapot, we do things quaint down here" I replied "having a teapot aint quaint". He replied "what is it then?". I said "its old or its out of date or its antiquated or its archaic but its not quaint at all" He got very indignant and said" you London boys think you're it, well we may not be as modern and fancy as you lot up there but we get our share of celebrities through here. We had Derek Nimmo here once". I said to him" what the fuck has Derek Nimmo got to do with a teapot". He replied," while he waited for his train home he bought a tea on the concourse" so I said "yes but it wasn't poured from a teapot" and this idiot said "well no, its was from a tea urn, its like a teapot, he was very famous back in the day, was Mr Nimmo". So was General Custer back in the and looked what happened to him". General Custer? Did he like tea?" I looked at him and all I could say was "mate, how the feck should I know?" I picked up my bag and went up the road to McDonalds. It aint the best food in the world and the coffee was bland and I might as well throw it straight down the loo cos 15 minutes later I was in theirs having a McDump. At least there were no teapots in sight .

NO ONE UP FRONT

Front page of last nights paper has bumbling Boris saying that he wants a second term so that he can take away the power of the unions and introduce driverless trains by 2014. Who is he trying to fool. Margaret Thatcher tried to crush the unions and look what happened to her. Does he really think people will subscribe to a union if they had no power? How many people will he effectively be putting out of work if he got his way. Unlike the weasel Ken Livingston who likes the unions because of all the perks they shove his way to help him help them be as dodgy as he is. And as for driverless trains who the hell wants them? Can you really imagine an eight car train with over a thousand passengers on hurtling around? Can you imagine the shitstorm if one crashed because there was no one up front to apply the brakes in an emergency? God forbid a crash should occur and 50, 60, or even more people died. How much would it cost to retrain drivers and re-train station staff and re-educate passengers how to board trains again. The cost would be immense and who do you think would foot the bill. Dont forget, my fellow Londoners, we don't do things well. Remember the fiasco that was the Millenium Dome? Remember the fiasco that was Wembley, remember the fiasco that was the walking bridge over the Thames? Yeah so do I. We spend too much money getting things wrong. The sad state is that we are being run by a half wit who is being challenged by a weasel who dreams of being a half wit. I can't believe they sent my cheque back (less administration charge) but lost my paperwork. Its a shame Alan Sugar wont run as he thinks the same way I do. It would be super if Boris woke up from his coma and listened to the people who vote and Ken should lock himself away and stick his thumb up his arse and stay away. I did write to Boris but it was the day his secretary had a day off so he had no one to read it to him. I am still fighting my corner, I haven't given up. Watch this space la la la

BELOW PAR

Some time ago I sounded out a golfing magazine about writing an article chronicling the progress of me, a non golfer taking up golf and charting my progress over the course of a year. They hummed and arred and asked me several questions, then they said 'send us a first article' so off I went, I played some golf, I wrote about it and sent them an Email with my exploits. The next day I received an E mail from them, I still have it on my computer, it said WOW, this is good stuff, we like it, is there more???' So off I went and played some more golf, I wrote about it and sent another E mail. Again, the next I received another E mail which I still have, it says ' Very good stuff, witty and well written, keep it up, is there more ??' So off I went and played some more golf, I wrote about it and sent another E mail but I added, 'hope you like this too, is there any chance of us coming to a financial agreement for my work?' Days went by then weeks went by and no response. Imagine my annoyance when I picked up a copy of this magazine and in it almost word for word the second instalment of my story and they used my surname. So I rang them up and asked to speak to this guy. The woman on the switchboard said there was no one there by this name so I asked to speak to the editor as I wanted to let them know how much I enjoyed the article. I got through to the editor and he said they often used pseudonyms for their staff writers so I said I was looking forward to the next issue when the golfer loses two balls on the first green and on the third green he lands in a bunker right in some dogshit. There was a pause before he asked 'how do you know? So I replied, 'its my story, its my surname, I wrote it' there was another pause of about nine seconds so I said 'I know you are there I can hear you choking' another short pause and he said 'Er, you will have to speak to our legal department' and hung up. I'm pleased they thought it was good enough to publish but im miffed that they screwed me and I never even got a kiss first. The thieving bastards.

BAD NEWS DAY

Todays paper is winding me up. It's full of people not happy about doing things they are paid to do. Firstly, I read that airline pilots are moaning about working long hours. So what? Millions of people work long and hard hours and don't get nowhere near as much as these arrogant snobs. Apparently the pilots union say that if a pilot has to get up at 5 am to start work at 7 am and then has a long journey home again, then his day is too long. What a load of crap, some people have to be at work for 5am and need to get up at 3am to do it and for a lot less money. Pilots earn good money, very good money, they buy nice houses away from noisy flight paths then moan it takes too long to get to work. Tell them to wake up and get real. It's their choice to do that job, tell them that they signed up to fly and if they don't like it, fark off and do something else. Story number two is a bishop moaning that churches are being attended by fewer people and vicars are getting depressed and the government should do something about it. Let me tell you, I have been to church and it was bloody boring. It was bloody cold and the seats were too hard. The sermon was so dull people were dozing off. The only people who go to church are very old and who are knocking on the pearly gates and are trying to earn some brownie points. It needs some fire and brimstone sermons to liven things up, put the fear of God into people. Story number three was a teacher who moaned that at the weekends, when he is supposed to be off, he bumps into his pupils all the time and they strike up conversations about school. When I was at school, the only I saw a teacher at the weekend was to scratch his car or throw dog poop at his front door. This guy should feel himself lucky the kids want to talk to him. Too many people have jobs they don't want to do, we have some at our firm, the biggest skiving, slack jawed guy, I won't use his real name so lets call him Jay Brook is always trying to get out of working. Can I just say there are lots of people looking for work, if you don't want your job let them have it. Ken Livingston was also moaning, but then again thats all he ever does. I really dislike that weasel. Vote for me, la la la

DUMB THIEVES

My local pub was robbed this weekend. Not by me, I was snuggly tucked up pissed and snoring with my darling gorgeous loved one. However, some thieving stinking fuck wank crook decided to steal from the place where I drink. It's only a small boat type pub with a small regular friendly clientelle, but it works. I hope the people who did this heinous crime get cancer of he cock. I hope they suffer daily paper cuts on their tongues and I hope they get liver cancer from nicking the house vodka and not the good stuff. They even stole the charity box. You dirty rotten thieving feckers, I hope everything you do for the rest of the month goes wrong. You dirty rotten thieving bastards.

IRAN? WE DONT NEED YOU

Iran, has stopped selling oil to the UK. Wow let me put my beer down and reach for a hanky. Who the fark do these fecking desert monkeys think they are? They have just mastered electricity and are dabbling with nuclear weapons and all of a sudden they think they are a major player on the world stage. They don't want to sell us oil, ok lets take our money and go elsewhere. It's their loss. When no one wants to buy their slave labour oil and their people start to starve cos no one wants to deal with them, maybe just maybe the raghead wankers will see sense. They strike me as the sort of people who think that just because they have something to sell they are very important. Well let me tell you Mr Iranian nobody, British Telecom thought they were important until everone bought mobile phones. British Airways thought they were important until Easyjet rolled up on the runway. BBC1 and 2 thought there were the big cheese until Channel 4 started doing better shows for the masses. So can I just to the Iranian people, you have a fecking madman running your vast sandy desert of a crap hole country, and its not exactly a fantastic holiday hotspot to go to. History is full of dumb power crazy didtators, and they all tried to flex muscles they didnt have. England may be a ccountry known for letting those knobsuckers at Brussels tell us what to do, but when its time to go round the back of the bike shed after school for a tear up, we dont back down, we always win and we fucking hurt when we bite. Kiss our collective British arses Iran. We have BP, and when its not leaking oil in the ocean, they make a good drop of the black stuff.

STEROID OLYMPICS

I have been asked once again if I am looking forward to the olympics. My answer is now as it always has been, no, no I'm not. I really aint bothered that some middle class or upper class well to do kids can do some exercise a bit good. Also, I am not interested in the paralympics either. I aint concerned that some guy with one leg can still run, I don't care that some woman with one arm can throw a shot putt, I dont care that some guy with ginger hair can jump off a board into a pool of water. If you want my attention why don't we have the Steroid Olympics. Yes I said it, the steroid olympics. Just before the 1500 metres lets pump some idiot with enough steroids to stun a horse then fire the starting pistol. Lets watch him win the race in just over 3 minutes and have a heart attack on the finish line. Lets build a wall several metres past the 100 metre finish line and watch all those jacked up runners go so fast they can't stop and hit the wall at high speed. Can you imagine how much funnier that would be? Or watching a marathon where no one stops until their heart gives in? It might be a bit gruesome but it would make people laugh, turn people off drugs and I bet they would show it on Youtube.

ME BORIS AND KEN

I got a letter today. It's from the office of electoral transparency. It contained my cheque less administration obviously for my application to be London Mayor. I paid the money cos I want to be the Mayor of this great metropolis. Apparently I can't prove that I don't need the wage that comes with being the London Mayor which leaves me open to corruption so my application is disqualified. I have never ever taken a bribe that wasn't worth it. So, anyway its official. The fight to be London Mayor is a two donkey race. Weasly Ken and Bumbling Boris. That thin faced weasel Ken who is famous for accepting gifts and who let the CND use the city hall free of charge is toe to toe with bumbling bonking Boris. Ken went to the History museum recently with his two kids and barged his way to the front of the queue and gave it the 'do you know who I am? Routine' and when the guard explained how a queue works, Ken demanded to see the manager. He demanded that the guard be fired just for doing his job. Ken is lucky I wasn't there with my grandkids cos if he pushed in front of me there would be something else that no longer exists hanging the wall, bloody Ken Livingston. I despise that man. He bleats on about everyone being PC minded then calls people fags and nazis. And lets not forget Boris. He is supposed to be a multi millionnaire but only has two suits. The beige one with the soup stain and the black one with his dandruff on. And it's a lot of dandruff. His mother was by his side recently saying vote for him. Fecking hell, she looks just like him. Its as if his parents were brother and sister and their parents were brother and sister. He claims to cycle a lot. I notice he doesn't use a 'Boris' bike. He uses one he was 'given' from a cycle shop in north London. Not a bung but a gift. Its a con. Ken wants to spend money making London great again and Boris wants everyone except himself to tighten our belts. They are focusing on a ten year plan, sod that, lets worry about this year and maybe next year and see how we are doing. I aint giving up the fight, they might move the goal posts and change the rules but I know how to fight dirty, I know how to cheat, its not over yet and if I do really have to get dirty, I will play the race card, followed by the disability card (I'm short) and then the is it cos I is black card. This fight could take a while, then I might try the I was abused as a child card. I will get there, but right now I'm not sure how.

SHAKE HANDS CHILDREN

Front and back page news on todays sunday papers, one ugly faced spoilt footballer didn't shake the hand of another ugly faced spoilt footballer. Who the hell cares. Whether Suarez did or did not say racist things or not, if Evra was that annoyed he should have punched Suarez in the mouth in the tunnel after the game. Anyway, what a shock in the news this morning, Whitney Houston is dead, I just heard that Bobby Brown killed himself when he heard the news. He left a suicide note, it said 'two can play that game'. I was considering my holiday options and I have decided not to go to America. Have you noticed how many people are found dead in American hotel rooms? It's amazing how many famous or well known people with big fancy homes go to hotels and end up dead. I think the hotel industry in the USA needs a massive overhaul. If it aint people being found dead its chambermaids claiming to be molested by celebrities. It never ceases to amaze me that you never hear about Mr or Mrs average being found dead from a massive overdose, naked and tied up with an apple up their bums or a chambermaid being fisted by a truckdriver. Luckily now hotels don't supply chambermaids and are too unclean for someone to want to top themselves in. Bloody Americans, they're all yankers in my book. La la la

ALIENS VS EARTH

My God, I'm watching yet another movie where ET wants to kick Earths butt. Aliens, or Extra Terrestrials want to come here and harvest all the humans but are being thwarted by the Yankers. What makes these bloody fat overweight yankers drive on the wrong side of the road, wear shorts when their fat people, think they are the only chance the Human race has if the ET shit hits the fan? Going by all the films I have watched, normal and adult, if this Universe ever got into trouble, it would probably be because of the Yankers. They are fat, loud, badly dressed and over budgeted. They think they own the world. Its not us the Aliens don't like, its the Americans. The rest of the world should disown them (and the French) and have nothing alien to worry about.

ITS THEM NOT ME

Today was a nine and a half hour day. When I booked on the office was full of drivers trying to get out of work, and Jay was not doing any work and people who were running late....again. The managers were doing their change over so that was going pants and not much was getting done. I was headed coastal and I had a very tardy (it means late or slow) coming with me. Anyway, I got the train ready but was held by a red signal cos the Gatwick train was running late.... again. When I finally got going I was on cautionary signals all the way to Purley. Some silly bastard passengers tapped their watches and some gave me the evil eye as I pulled into the stations, it didnt bother me, it never does. I got to Bognor 14 minutes late and like I said it didn't bother me. We left on time and at one of the stations a manager got in the cab. This silly fecker was a guard about a hundred years ago, then became a driver for about 74 seconds before going into management. So he starts off saying pretend I'm not here and I'm not here to judge, then he starts asking me questions about the route and its pitfalls. This farked me right off. I'm good, I'm very good and this skinny, balding, bucktoothed, imbecile with a sense of self importance was questioning me. He asked several questions and I farking answered them with too much information, I blew his mind. So I turned the tables. I asked him some traction questions. The fecking weasal didn't know, but it shut him up. He got out at Horsham. So I get to Victoria and the usual suspects were still trying to get their last bits covered. I aint got the time for all that messing about. I did my last trip, got changed and drove home. On the way some silly old bint in a Honda Civic had managed to mount the pavement at the Elephant and buggered up the traffic flow. Her excuse was "I dont normally come this way on a friday". If you don't normally come this way love go the way you normally go, you dummy. Anyway I eventually got home despite the Old Kent Road being blocked by a burst water main, yeah I know, who saw that coming? I went straight to the gym and during my massive workout during which I ran round the marina twice (2.3 miles) two silly pikey types came in for a workout wearing their street clothes. I watched these two dickheads grunt their way through a workout and one of them ripped his shorts doing a pull up. This dirty minger said "now I have nothing to wear to the club tonight". The dirty pair of pikey bastards were working out in the clothes they were gonna go out in. I just don't get some people, but you know what? It ain't me its them.

CAPPELLO

Fuck Cappello, fuck him all the way to the Italian shores he came from. He was the wrong choice then and he is the wrong choice now. The fecker didn't even bother to learn English. I am surprised the FA even bothered with a foreign manager. If we win, people will say you had to get a foreign manager, if we lose they say its because we had a foreign manager. No country has ever won with a foreign manager. And before you fucking stupid wankers who drag your knuckles along the ground scream out Redknapps name, lets not forget he claims to not be able to read and write. Do we really want a thick c**t (pardon my language) for a manager. Also John fuckhead Terry. Is it right he was stripped of the captaincy? If he was decent he would have stepped down until he wins or loses the case. I know who I want for England manager and I know who I want for captain. It aint Gerrard the thug, it aint Ferdidnand the junkie, it aint Rooney the granny shagger or Lampard the love cheat,. Most of the England team don't deserve the armband so maybe we should give it to someone who hasn't been caught thieving, shagging, stealing or driving drunk. I know that doesn't leave many but lets start there. Goodbye Capello and keep your racist thoughts to yourself John Terry but lets hope the FA get it right for once. I just wish we had more to choose from. None of them are worthy of the honour. What a shame.

JAYWALKERS

I aint all that keen on the Americans, I think they are messing up the world with their gung ho policies and threatening nature, and like the French, they know no one likes them. However, among all their stupid laws is one law that I really wish we had in this country. JAYWALKING. Thats right I said jaywalking. The worst part of my journey to work starts when I get to Waterloo. It like everyone stops being aware of what they are doing and just mooch about aimlessly. And I aint just talking about those pain in the arse tourists who can manage to get halfway around the world but can't find the right bloody platform. I'm talking about those ignorant self absorbed boneheads who are too lazy to look where they're going. On a daily basis I find myself swearing at some gormless wanker who just steps out without looking. What really fecks me off is they get all indignant like its my fault. Its not that I care if I run one of the numbnuts over, its the damage to my car that concerns me, or even worse, the damage to my bike. The paper work alone just dealing with the insurance company is frightening. One guy who I just managed to avoid took out his phone and took a picture of my number plate so I stopped and backed up, the bastard coward ran away. Knowing my luck which is currently all bad, I will run over a yanker (American wanker) and the police will turn up, and even with a dozen witnesses I will still be arrested because of the lost revenue from tourism whilst the yanker milks his stay in hospital. My mate got arrested for running over a tourist, it was the tourists fault but when the police arrived my mate who had just bought this shiny new car could not explain the boot marks on the other guys face. I think that when these irritating visitors to our shores arrive at the airport, whilst waiting for their luggage they should be given a test on manners and crossing the road, if they fail either test we should send them back home. Unless we are allowed to run people over and they show no signs of caring for their own safety I don't see why we should have hazard awareness tests for new drivers. I also think when going to the pictures you should prove you can open a bag of sweets quietly before being let in. I have had many films ruined by noisy eaters. When I'm mayor jaywalking will be on my list of things to do and I will definately take a look at foreign statistics on road safety. Anyone from a country with a high rate of accidents will be made to wear bright yellow foam suits when out walking on our streets. La la la