It's Only Money

As a parent its our job to love our kids, how they turn out is largely our doing. They cost us money until they move out and then the price goes up. They have their own kids and we become free babysitters and we spend even more money on the grandkids. How do I know this? Because my two grandkids are here and even though there is a cupboard full of food and a freezer full of treats they wanted McDonalds, personally I can't stand the stuff, I make my own world famous burgers but because I'm so lovely I took them there and spent £23.....how much? yes £23 on junk food to watch them play in the kiddie zone for an hour then they decide they were no longer hungry. And where I hear you say is their mother, well people my lovely daughter was at home using my computer to sort out her car insurance, apparently the laptop I bought her for a small fortune is too slow. Kids, you have to love them, its in the job description.

Panic

I did a bit of shopping today, I considered doing my monthly shop but I changed my mindwhen I saw the crowds. I heard more than one person say 'its a bank holiday lets get more just in case we run out'. Am I missing something. I know its a Bank holiday but its not armageddon, the shops will probably be open on monday and if not they certainly will be on tuesday. Just as I don't get the mentality of people who queue up for days to be the first to own a new Iphone or X-box or the people who camp out for days to see a Royal wedding (big yawn) I don't understand people who panic buy in supermarkets just because the shops shut for one day. It wasn't that long ago that shops shut half day on saturday and didn't open til monday and there was no Ocado delivery service either. Are we turning into a society of nervous wrecks and doomsday pessimists. I really hope not, if you are one of the panic buyers please can you stop watching Americans on tv who live in the deep south and just try to remember this is England.

ADVERTS

I really find adverts boring. They are so patronising. They try to be clever or they try to be quite simplistic. Either way I find them annoying and very repetitive. There is too many of them and none of them make me want to buy what they are selling. Halifax, Churchill , Go Compere, and all the rest, I hate you. La la la.

Remakes and Sequels

Why oh why do the people in charge of the one eyed monster in the corner of the room insist on re-making classic films and tv shows? Steve Martin is not a funny man, so why the hell did he make Sargeant Bilko? Phil Silvers was excellent in that role and it should have been left alone. The remake was painful to watch and I never made it to the end, but as if that wasn't enough, the bastard went and ruined one of the greatest characters ever Inspector Clouusseau. What the f%*k was that. Steve Martin destroyed/ruined/messed up/made a pigs ear of that role and he should never work again. I dont just blame him and I know he took the money and did as he was told but what a monumental load of crap it turned out to be. Maybe just maybe if they called it something else, it might have worked, on second thoughts no it wouldn't cos Steve Martin in it. Now we have that other knobhead Russell Brand ruining the film Arthur. Please dont do this anymore. Dudley Moore nailed that character and the film was superb, but the remake looks dire and I won't watch it. And to make matters worse the want to bring back the series The Professinals. NO NO NO, they tried it once and it was cack. apart from the remake of True Grit and Pelham 123 I dont think there has been a good remake. The Italian Job, Get Carter, Alfie, Sleuth, and many more I cant be bothered to mention. I rest my case, and as usual I think i'm right. Make me the Mayor and I will stop this pointless waste of tv airtime.

Dont stop singing

I saw in the news that Rangers football club in Scotland have been punished because their fans were singing not very nice songs at a match against PSV. what a load of codswallop that decision was/is. if fans aint allowed to sing, whats the point of going. Nowadays most top professional players are over paid ballet dancers who fall over in a mild wind. If we aint allowed to sing songs to upset the opposite fans then there is no fun to be had. The games are nearly twice as long as they used to be cos the physio keeps running on the pitch to fix a players hairdo. I dont particularly like Scottish football cos I think their leagues are inferior to the English and German ones and every year its either Rangers or Celtic who win the Scottish top league. But its a slippery slope if the Scottish get punished for chanting cos then the powers that be will soon be insisting that we sit and watch all games in silence. What ever happened to the fans being the twelth man?. EUFA , FIFA and our own FA are so out of touch with reality I find it scary that they have much control over the worlds favourite game. La la la .

Cold callers

A woman just knocked on my door and offered me a copy of The Watchtower, I said 'thank you the kettle has just boiled would you like some tea or coffee?' she replied 'er no thank you, I just wanted to deliver this issue of The Watchtower'. I said 'thats very kind of you, what is it about?' and she said she didn't know and dropped it and ran away. What a strange woman she was. Anyway my tip for the day is always answer the front door naked.

Olympics

Just seen Boris Johnson on telly saying how great the olympics are going to be and that even if we don't get the overpriced tickets we want and end up watching some other rubbish. That at least we will still be part of history. What total crap, I already am part of history and I have already paid to stage the olympics with my council tax. I don't want to go and see an event that i'm not interested in if the one I want is fully booked. It is on telly anyway so every event is available to me so if I decide to watch, then I will. He also said the petrol prices were justified. JUSTIFIED? I don't think so, I think they are a rip off and its just two more reasons why I should be Mayor. Go on vote for me, you know it makes sense.

Royal Wedding

I am so sick of the Royal wedding. Surely whats happening in the Middle East or Japan is more worthy of front page news. Is it really neccessary for us to know all the details of the proccession or how robust the policing is going to be. And surely nobody except mental health officials really need to know about a man camping outside Westminster to ensure he gets a good spot on friday. Instead of news about how MP's are robbing us blind or about how the Syrian government is committing genocide we get stories about young girls going on hunger strikes outside British embassies in South America in order to get an invite or how some Northern woman living in Canada is making a fortune making weird hat thingies. Its madness, its a frigging wedding nothing more.

Petrol Prices

I went to the petrol station to fill my car up, last week it was £1.32 per litre, today it is £1.40. Trust me people its gonna go up again, we need to do something about it and we all need to act NOW. The fuel companies are mugging us and we are paying them without complaint. Please write to your MP, I write twice a week but we all need to shout at the same time to be heard. Together we will bring the price down. Vote for me for London Mayor.

I WANT BE LONDON MAYOR

I want to be the Mayor of London. I want to sort the crime rife council estates, I want to punish people who dont pick up after their dog poops, I want to make hospitals cleaner and safer, I want to introduce a school bus system, I also want to sort out the housing problem. Vote for me and I will do my very best for London. I am very unsatisfied with most of our current MPs who seen unable or unwilling to get things done. Not me, I dont sit around waiting for people to reply to E mails, I use that old fashioned gadget called a phone and I speak directly to who i need to. Start a campaign and vote for me. DO IT NOW.

shopping carts

I just saw a woman pushing a Tesco shopping cart down the road. This woman had a cart full of shopping that she was obviously taking home but unlike the rest of us normal people she quite clearly thinks the cart is included in the price of the shopping. not only that but she was walking as if she had absolutely no shame. There is a marina near me and every week several trolleys are pulled out of the water. Its not nice and lets be honest its quite a shabby thing to do. Why do people feel the need to nick a trolley. I would understand if they kept the trolley and used it every time they did their shopping but I know this is not the case and even though I know these big stores can afford it I am sure that in some way the cost finds its way to the pocket of decent citizens. please dont nick the trolleys, get a cab, get a friend to give you a lift or even take the bus but dont nick the trolleys because its obvious you live on a council estate and its just something else for the naughty kids to play with.

Parking

I just received a penalty charge notice for being in a 20 minute bay during the right hours, don't know why I got one but I don't intend to pay. If you put signs up saying you can park for a certain time then let people park for a certain time. Councils need to realise that they can't keep fleecing the motorist. As I said I don't intend to pay and me and the mad cat lady are gonna write some strong letters and make some loud noises and trust me when I say this, mad cat lady knows how to fight, Lewisham council you have been warned.

Please dont Ruin Our Parks

Now that we have some decent weather, i mentioned earlier that it has come to my attention that more and more people are wearing less and less. Ordinarily I would not have a problem about people displaying vast swathes of skin, what does exasperate me is when the feet on display look like the feet of a manky pidgeon. Some of london`s fine citizens are quite rightly clip your making good use of this fine weather but are not paying attention to personal hygiene. I have just come back from the park and oh ny God I saw one lady, i think it was a lady, whales dont have legs ( i hope they dont ) was tearing up the grass with her very unkempt hooves. Her toes were far too long and far too crusty. please please, if you are adamant you want to walk around in flip flops, please can you clip the talons on the end of your feet. Another thing about parks in this weather is that all the yobby gobby teenagers that hang around street corners have now decide its ok to loiter in the park being rude to the elderly. parks are for everyone and it would be nice if we could all enjoy them. I didnt know where to look without wanting to poke my own eyes out because of the wretced feet on display and the amount of disgustingly rude teenagers made me wish we had public stockades so we could throw rotten fruit at these unsociable creatures. Can we please try to keep the parks user friendly.

PETROL RISES

I have noticed that during this week, the petrol station near my home has had 3 yes THREE cost increases. I find this quite annoying and very alarming. I saw a news item that warned us that it may reach £1.50 a litre by the end of May. This is outragious and I constantly say so in my weekly letter/rant to my local MP. He/she is obviously working exremely long hard hours because he has yet to reply to any of my letters and even when I camped outside his/her house for two nights one of his neighbours called the police. What annoyed me is that they actually turned up. When I call the plod to report something untoward in my street I get told "all our officers are busy". Ok now the gloves come off. If he/she wont reply to my letters I shall deliver them personally. What I need is more people to complain about the rising fuel costs. If we all act together we can get something done. Im not saying lets act French and blockade garages but lets make some noise people. Make me London Mayor.

Weather

I'm watching the news and now all the experts are out saying we need to be wary of the sunny weather, apparently if you have asthma or diabetes or breathing difficulties you should avoid going outside, because they are expecting a rise in viral deaths. What a load of crap if it snows they claim old people are at risk and if it rains short people are at risk of drowning and now its sunny we run the risk of too many people in parks ruining the foliage. It seems that whatever the weather, someone somewhere is at risk. Can I just say to all these experts, shave your beards, ditch the sandals and get a life.

SUMMER FEET

Hooray, some decent weather, its been a long time coming and I hope we get lots of it, however there is one issue I would like to address, Feet. With the good weather comes the display of semi nudity, women walk around wearing next to nothing and men seem to think its alright to walk around with no shirts on. I dont normally have a problem with that but can I just say that when you reach a certain size I think its best to wear a shirt. But my main gripe with the summer is the display of feet. Feet should be clean and toes should be cut. Some of the feet i have seen lately are more like talons. Please please please sort your feet out.There are enough pedicure places around so there should be no need for people to walk around ripping the pavement with their hooves.

nurses in distress

I went to the hospital with a friend last weekend,in the A and E department were several guys who had been there for a couple of hours. They were still drunk fron the night before. Apparently they had been to a club and got a bit sozzled and then a bit lippy with the door staff which resulted in them getting a bit of slap. Being the brave men that they were they threw bottles through the club windows and ran off. The door staff gave chase and one of these brave men jumped over a garden wall and was bitten by a dog which is why they were at the hospital. Now after waiting like the rest of the people there, they started being abusive to the nursing staff. The security staff are not allowed to do anything so the police were called. I dont understand the point of having security if they cant do anything. before the police arrived the verbal abuse these lowlife gave the nurses was disgusting. I very nearly took it upon myself to give these cowardly dogs another slapping but the police finally turned up and kicked them out. If you dont like waiting then dont get drunk in the early hours of the morning and get hurt so that a hospital visit is needed, these nurses work hard and dont deserve this abuse which happens almost nightly. If ever i become London mayor one of the first things I will sort out is the installation of stockades in hospitals so that the abusers can be made to pay publicly.

bloody cab drivers

I wanted to play golf today and as soon as I saw the car park i knew it was going to be a bad morning cos the car parkwas full of black taxis, playing golf behind a London cabbie is like driving behind one, they are as slow on a golf course as they are behind the wheel. Its Very frustrating. I had bout of golf rage.

dont trust tv

I WAS WATCHING TELLY MOST OF THE MORNING AND AS USUAL THE ADVERTS WERE AS BORING AS EVER, MAYBE IT WAS THE SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES BUT AS POSTMAN PAT WAS ON TV MY POSTIE DROPPED MY LETTERS THROUGH MY DOOR. MY CAR AND BIKE INSURANCE IS DUE MY PHONE BILL IS LATE AND I NEED A HOLIDAY AND I HATE SHOPPING SO FOR ONCE I DID AS I WAS TOLD. ACCORDING TO THE TELLY IF YOU GO ONLINE AND SEARCH YOU CAN SAVE MONEY ON YOUR CAR INSURANCE BY GOING WITH CHURCHILL AND IF YOU USE THOMPSONS YOU CAN GET A CHEAP HOLIDAY AND BY SURFING THE NET ONE OF THE MAIN SUPERMARKETS WILL DELIVER YOU SHOPPING AND ALSO YOU CAN BUY CLOTHES CHEAP AND GET ALL SORTS OF DEALS. WELL PEOPLE I TRIED ALL THAT AND NOW IM SITTING HERE IN A DRESS WHEN I ORDERED JEANS I WANTED TO GO MALTA FOR A WEEK AND IM GOING TO MARGATE TESCOS DIDNT HAVE ANY OF THE FOOD I WANTED SO SENT 200 QUIDS WORTH OF TINNED TUNA AND I CANT INSURE MY CAR BECAUSE MY POST CODE NO LONGER EXISTS SO I CANT DRIVE ANYWHERE AND I STILL MANAGED TO EMPTY MY BANK ACCOUNT, OH YEAH AND THAT OVERDRAFT THINGY THEY RAVE ABOUT IS COSTING ME £17 A DAY UNTIL I GET BACK IN THE BLACK. THANKS TELLY YOU ARE A LIAR

the pound shop

I WAS JUST IN THE POUND SHOP AND GUESS WHAT THE ITEMS COST.... THATS RIGHT ONE POUND SO IMAGINE MY DISMAY WHEN A TATTOOED KNUCKLE DRAGGER WALKED IN WITH MEANEST LOOKING STAFF DOG AND ASKED THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER TO CHANGE A FIFTY POUND NOTE. HAVING A CLOSE LOOK AT THE FIFTY POUND NOTE THE MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER DECLINED. KNUCKLE DRAGGER YANKED HIS DOG AROUND THE SHOP AND CAME BACK WITH A MULTI PACK OF POLOS AND WANTED £49 CHANGE. WHEN HE WAS REFUSED ON THE GROUNDS THAT THE MONEY LOOKED A BIT DODGY, KNUCKLE DRAGGER STARTED SWEARING AND BEING A COMPLETE WALLY. EVEN THOUGH THE ALARM WAS GOING OFF HE NEVER HAD THE SENSE TO LEAVE. THE POLICE ARRIVED (EVENTUALLY) AND AFTER LOOKING AT THE FIFTY POUND NOTE AND FINDING SEVERAL MORE ON HIM THE KNUCKLE DRAGGER IS CURRENTLY SITTING IN THE BACK OF A POLICE VAN AND HIS MUTT IS ON THE WAY TO THE DOG POUND. YESERDAY A TORY MP SUGGESTED PUTTING CRIMINALS IN THE ARMY. IF THEY ARE ALL AS BRIGHT AS THIS IDIOT I'M SO GLAD THE ARMY ARE A BIT FUSSY AS TO WHO THEY LET IN.

unsightly mess

I was walking to the gym this morning and I saw my noisy neighbour walking his new dog. Its not a bad looking dog, not very big but very yappy, so like my neighbour, it is noisy. As I got close to them the dog made a mess, my neighbour did not bother to bag the mess. I stopped him an asked if he was going to pick it up and his reply was "not with my knees". I didn't understand this response so I went home and got a couple of plastic bags and picked up the mess myself. I then knocked on my neighbours door and when he opened the door I handed him the bag. I said to him "this belongs to you" and I turned and walked away. I hate it when people dont pick up after their dogs, it is such a nasty dirty habit and should be illegal, and if I was London mayor it would be. Something else I would make illegal is this new habit of women walking the streets in their pyjamas. What the hell is that all about? are they really that lazy that they can't be bothered to get dressed?. Please tell me they put on a clean pair before they go back to bed. I dont know when this alleged "fashion" became popular but to me it just makes the wearers look tacky and lazy, very Vicky Pollard. Oh and one more thing wearing slippers is for indoors, are people so lazy they cant be bothered to put on shoes to go to the shops? When did our standards in personal dress sense start to decline. It used to be the elderly who dressed for comfort but now it seems anyone of any age can be a lazy git.

ME FOR LONDON MAYOR

If I was London mayor, things would be different. I would crack down on criminals, I would harrass the bus and train companies to provide clean punctual services and I would definately sort out the health service. If you commit a crime and go to prison, there would be no time off for good behaviour, if you get six months you will do six months. If you are sick then stay at home dont go out until you are better, I was in the gym recently with a guy complaining that he was off work because he wasnt well. How can he be unwell but healthy enough to go to the gym. If buses and trains are contantly late I would fine them until they were skint or until the service improved. And if a hospital was dirty I would give the head of that hospital a mop and a bucket and make them clean up. Yes I would.

expensive england

why is everything so expensive? petrol alcohol tobacco, its the dearest in Europe. We all moan about it but very few of us do anything about it. Well from today I am doing something about it, I am going to write to my MP every day and demand that he lobbies the chancellor on my account. I dont want to see MPs lounging around in limousines which we pay for whilst joe public pays dearly for a full tank of petrol. I want all MPs to use public transport so that they get a taste of what we have put up with. Why do they tell us to be frugal when they are claiming for and being paid for all their indulgences. I have had enough.

NO THEY CANT

In todays papers there is a debate about whether prisoners should be allowed to vote. Quite simply, I say no. They committed a crime worthy of being locked up away from decent society so they should not get a say in how our society should be run. And if you happen to be a motorbike thief you should not only be denied a vote you should also get a daily flogging whilst in prison.