This is a true story.
I had a doctors appointment today. I made it 2 weeks ago. I have had a sore knee for about 3 months. I woke up one morning and my left knee was painful. Being the tough guy I thought nothing of it but it was not getting better so I booked a doctors appointment.
I arrived ten minutes early and gave the receptionist my name address phone number inside leg measurement my mums maiden name the team I support and who I voted for in the election.
She let me sit down.
Twenty minutes after my booked time I was called in.
Fuck me this guy must have been in the same class as Sir Isaac Newton he was that old.
He told me to sit down and asked how I pronounced my name. I told him and he asked where I got that name from, tough crowd coz when I said my parents he did not laugh.
He looked at the screen and said that I had not been in for quite a while, I told him that I had not been sick for quite a while, still no laugh.
He asked if I was sick now and I said no, he asked why I was there and I told him about my knee. He looked disappointed. He asked me to explain so I told him that my knee was tender and stopping me from walking properly or jogging. He asked if I had trouble breathing I said no he asked if I was peeing ok I said yes, he said, shame.
He asked me to roll up my trouser leg and he grabbed my knee. Fuck me man his hands were cold.
He rummaged around for a few minutes then said it was either muscle damage or cartilage. I asked which it was.
He said he wasn't sure sure and that I could book a scan or rebook with my own doctor for a proper opinion.
I asked if he seen many patients today and he said yes yes quite a few. I asked if any were still alive, tough crowd, still no laugh.
I decided to rebook with my own doctor and hope to see him some time this year.
Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, in 2007, over 210,000 Americans were injured in lawnmower accidents. Silly sods. La la la
Monday, 21 October 2019
Friday, 11 October 2019
DUMB DELIVERY
I was just sitting at home, minding my own, wondering whether to have a tissue moment when there was a knock on the door.
I opened the door and a delivery guy was there holding a parcel. He asked if I could take the parcel in for a neighbour.
I asked who the neighbour was and he said number 34. I said no. He asked why not. I told him that number 34 was a pig ignorant man, a noisy neighbour and he sometimes parked encroaching on my drive way.
The delivery guy said that he had tried other neighbours but no one answered.
I said sorry but no and shut the door.
Five minutes later there was another knock so I answered the door, it was him again.
He told me that he had spoken to his office and they said that it was my civic and moral duty to take the parcel.
I told him to wait and shut the door.
I waited 5 minutes then opened the door door and told him that I had just spoken to my lawyer and he had advised me not to take the parcel.
The delivery guy looked gobsmacked.
He told me that he had this one delivery in South London and 3 more in East London, his depot was in East London and he didn't want to have to drive all the way back to try and deliver this parcel.
Not my problem I said and shut the door.
I went upstairs and a few minutes later I heard the letter box being used.
I went down stairs and the dirty bastard had put a card in saying that he had left a note telling the neighbour that I had his parcel.
I was fuming. I opened the door and the parcel was on the door step.
I took it in and rang the number on the label. I told the woman on the phone that I was going to leave the parcel on the neighbours door step as I did not want to hold on to it and if it got stolen that was not my problem, and I hung up.
I did put the parcel on the neighbours door step and did not give it a second thought.
Fifteen minutes later there was a vigorous banging on my door and I rushed down to answer. I opened the door and saw the delivery guy sitting in his van. He gave me the wanker sign and drove off.
Later that day the neighbour knocked asking for his parcel. I told him that I did not take it in. He was not happy (fuck him).
Later still the neighbour knocked and apologised about his parking.
Fuck him again.
Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, all the ants in the world weigh as much as all the people. La la la.
I opened the door and a delivery guy was there holding a parcel. He asked if I could take the parcel in for a neighbour.
I asked who the neighbour was and he said number 34. I said no. He asked why not. I told him that number 34 was a pig ignorant man, a noisy neighbour and he sometimes parked encroaching on my drive way.
The delivery guy said that he had tried other neighbours but no one answered.
I said sorry but no and shut the door.
Five minutes later there was another knock so I answered the door, it was him again.
He told me that he had spoken to his office and they said that it was my civic and moral duty to take the parcel.
I told him to wait and shut the door.
I waited 5 minutes then opened the door door and told him that I had just spoken to my lawyer and he had advised me not to take the parcel.
The delivery guy looked gobsmacked.
He told me that he had this one delivery in South London and 3 more in East London, his depot was in East London and he didn't want to have to drive all the way back to try and deliver this parcel.
Not my problem I said and shut the door.
I went upstairs and a few minutes later I heard the letter box being used.
I went down stairs and the dirty bastard had put a card in saying that he had left a note telling the neighbour that I had his parcel.
I was fuming. I opened the door and the parcel was on the door step.
I took it in and rang the number on the label. I told the woman on the phone that I was going to leave the parcel on the neighbours door step as I did not want to hold on to it and if it got stolen that was not my problem, and I hung up.
I did put the parcel on the neighbours door step and did not give it a second thought.
Fifteen minutes later there was a vigorous banging on my door and I rushed down to answer. I opened the door and saw the delivery guy sitting in his van. He gave me the wanker sign and drove off.
Later that day the neighbour knocked asking for his parcel. I told him that I did not take it in. He was not happy (fuck him).
Later still the neighbour knocked and apologised about his parking.
Fuck him again.
Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, all the ants in the world weigh as much as all the people. La la la.
Tuesday, 6 August 2019
COASTAL, GRRR
Damn damn damn, I am coastal tomorrow, the laughingly named sunshine coast. I can only describe this place as an above ground cemetery. It's the kind of place the elephant man would be considered sexy. If a woman's pubes don't reach her knees they say she ain't trying hard enough. If your child doesn't have an ASBO by age 5 the parents send them to an orphanage in shame. I saw a guy with what looked like ear plugs and he was holding a phone but as I got closer he had a shoe string hanging from his ear and he was holding a Mars bar. The weather report said sunny spells with showers, I saw a woman and she had a Wellington boot on her right foot and a flip flop on her left. I went to the kiosk on the concourse and asked for a bacon roll, he asked if I wanted it warmed up, I asked who buys cold ones?
The train cleaner was picking up the rubbish in the train and he said, do you want a newspaper? I asked which one is it? He replied yesterday's Metro!!
It is the school holidays and the station is crawling with kids with nothing to do.
In the crew room which is surprisingly tidy, there are two guys discussing Love Island. One of them asked if I watched the show and I told him no. They looked at me like I was the sad one. Another guy was moaning that the fruit machine was switched off. One of the guys said that the man with the key to switch it back on would be back soon and he said, oh I don't want to play it I just like the lights.
I have had it here.
Please buy my E book,A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, bananas have more trade restrictions than AK47s.
The train cleaner was picking up the rubbish in the train and he said, do you want a newspaper? I asked which one is it? He replied yesterday's Metro!!
It is the school holidays and the station is crawling with kids with nothing to do.
In the crew room which is surprisingly tidy, there are two guys discussing Love Island. One of them asked if I watched the show and I told him no. They looked at me like I was the sad one. Another guy was moaning that the fruit machine was switched off. One of the guys said that the man with the key to switch it back on would be back soon and he said, oh I don't want to play it I just like the lights.
I have had it here.
Please buy my E book,A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, bananas have more trade restrictions than AK47s.
Tuesday, 9 July 2019
ETHICAL RULES FOR MEN
Over the last couple of weeks I have visited several crew rooms and it seems my male colleagues are not acting in the proper manner. In case some of you have forgotten the 'Man Rules' here they are to remind you.
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. If you have known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits. Unless you actually marry her.
3. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts, you may even deny his very existence.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family you must bail a mate out of jail within 24 hours.
5. Bitching about the brand of beer in your mates fridge is forbidden but you can moan if it ain't cold.
6. , On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.
7. Women who say they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies unless they demonstrate full knowledge of the game and can eat a large doner kebab.
8. If a man's zip is open, that's his problem, you shouldn't be looking anyway.
9. No man shall ever be required to buy another man a birthday present.
10. Unless in prison, never fight naked. This includes men not wearing a shirt.
11. Don't let friends wear Speedos...Ever.
12. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his beer.
13. Never hesitate to reach for the last can of beer or slice of pizza, but not both, that's just mean.
14. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him but only in a way that stops you both getting any.
15. If a buddy has an eyelash or other foreign object on his hair or face, you are not allowed to remove it but an appropriate hand gesture is allowed.
16. No man shall ever watch the following programmes on TV,..... Figure Skating, Men's Gymnastics, sports involving women, (unless the women are sexy).
17. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist it is an understood accident, NO apologies or reference to the incident is necessary.
18. No man shall allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons, Rockie films or Rambo movies.
19. There is never an occasion that a shirt without buttons should be tucked in.
20. The only time a man may cry is when a heroic dog died trying to save his master or being struck in the balls by an object moving faster than 7 miles an hour.
21. Only in an empty room, car, etc may two non related males ask is the other is ok just because he isn't talking.
22. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy MUST be caught.
23. No man shall ever keep count of the amount of beers he has had in a night. A reasonable guess will be accepted in the morning.
24. If you jiggle it more than three times, you're playing with.
25. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil/ lotion.
26. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.
27. If you say 'ouch' you are a wuss.
28. Last but not least, it is the God given right of every man to assist any other man that may need assistance to obtain the holy grail...a threesome ( with 2 women).
Here is an interesting ( strange) fact...if you tickle the same rat every day, eventually it will soon start laughing as soon as it sees you.
Please buy my E book, A Clean Week. la la la.
Saturday, 20 April 2019
UNFIT FOR PURPOSE
I had my break in a Coastal room that has been deemed fit for use. Trust me when I tell that this room is absolutely not fit for anyone to dine there and get any rest.
The room is about the size of the back of a Transit van. I am not the tallest of people as you know but I could touch the ceiling.
It is basically a small portacabin powered by a diesel generator which is very loud and very smelly.
3 people would struggle to fit in there comfortably and two people would still not have adequate space. The generator is noisy but you can switch it off however, when you do the kettle and the microwave don't work.
They have supplied bottled water but with this nice weather the water is warm.
The smell of the diesel eventually gives you a headache and you then stand outside to get fresh air. Then if the smell doesn't give you a headache the noise will.
Then the fact that they placed it next to a taxi rank makes you wonder which clever dick made that decision when you have 20 to 30 cab drivers asking to use the loo.
Ah yes the loo. It is as small as a loo on Ryanair and older than the sky. It is proper nasty. If you sit down for a poo your knees rub on the door and there is no way to wipe your arse without opening the door which let's all the people in the beer garden opposite see what you are doing.
It really does not make you feel like the valued member of staff they keep saying we are.
Anyway I am going to E mail all the reps to complain now and hopefully something will get Done. Hello Mr Peglar.
Please buy my E book A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, more than 11000 key's are lost in tubes and buses in the UK every year. la la la
The room is about the size of the back of a Transit van. I am not the tallest of people as you know but I could touch the ceiling.
It is basically a small portacabin powered by a diesel generator which is very loud and very smelly.
3 people would struggle to fit in there comfortably and two people would still not have adequate space. The generator is noisy but you can switch it off however, when you do the kettle and the microwave don't work.
They have supplied bottled water but with this nice weather the water is warm.
The smell of the diesel eventually gives you a headache and you then stand outside to get fresh air. Then if the smell doesn't give you a headache the noise will.
Then the fact that they placed it next to a taxi rank makes you wonder which clever dick made that decision when you have 20 to 30 cab drivers asking to use the loo.
Ah yes the loo. It is as small as a loo on Ryanair and older than the sky. It is proper nasty. If you sit down for a poo your knees rub on the door and there is no way to wipe your arse without opening the door which let's all the people in the beer garden opposite see what you are doing.
It really does not make you feel like the valued member of staff they keep saying we are.
Anyway I am going to E mail all the reps to complain now and hopefully something will get Done. Hello Mr Peglar.
Please buy my E book A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, more than 11000 key's are lost in tubes and buses in the UK every year. la la la
Thursday, 28 February 2019
THIS MORNING WAS RUBBISH
This morning started badly. What I am about to write is the absolute truth and I can honestly I ain't had a day go this wrong in years.
The fuckhead driving the mini cab this morning took a wrong turn even though I told him the route. Go over Lambeth Bridge and there are two options, go straight ahead for Horseferry road or turn left go along the Embankment to Vauxhall Bridge road. Not this flaccid prick, he turned right. I asked him what he was doing and he said it was the way . I pointed out the the station was now behind us but he tapped the console and said ' rate nav sat nav '
Ok no problem I thought, there is still time. We drove down Victoria street but at Vauxhall Bridge road he carried straight on. ' Where the hell are you going? I asked, I said fuck but im being polite for the delicate readers.
He said ' I take you to black gate' ' what black gate? I want the car park'
He replied ' no no black gate is good'
Ok I thought, lets see how this pans out.
He drove me around the one way system and eventually stopped outside the station in Buckingham Palace road.
The gates were locked ( it was 4am after all) 'here you go' he said. 'the gates are locked you dumb fuck I said, now turn this fucker round and take me to the station car park.
After some deliberation he finally agreed and I guided him to the car park. He was actually pleased because hadn't been there before.
It gets even worse from there.
I get to my train and it has a Not To Move board on it. I called Control and they said it must have been a forgetful cleaner and they would get it removed.
This is at 0420, I'm supposed to leave at 0435. At 0432 I called the signaller and told him I was waiting for the board to be taken off. He said 'that's ok driver, you can do it', there were some workers down there last night they must have forgotten to remove It, you have my permission to do so
I said ' no thanks I will stick to the rule book and wait'. He protested vigorously but I hung up.
0445 I call Control again and they can't find out who put the board up. 0450 and Control tell me a track worker did it and was now in his car half way home and they were trying to get someone in authority to assist.
0500, I get told to change trains. No problem, I'm on platform 12 there is a train on platform 10. I inform the passengers and we all trudge round to platform 10. Guess what? No bloody train. I call Control and they said it will be there in 4 minutes.
4 minutes later train comes in only it's 12 coaches long, I should have 4.
The driver of this train was late for his break so I said I would do the detachment. Platform staff told me Control wanted me to take 8 coaches as more punters had turned up. I did the split only to be told to take the original 4 coaches. I am still calm at this point as my coffee was still warm . I reattach then split the train and set up the front 4 coaches. It is now 0515.
As we leave I asked the Signaller if we were stopping all stations as booked he said yes.
First stop is Clapham junction. At Clapham a platform guy gives me a special not to call form. Due to late running the train now will only call at East Croydon and Gatwick. Now I am fucked off. I have a train full of people and 9 stations I ain't stopping at, they are going to go mental.
Still, I make the announcement and through the thick fire proof doors I hear lots if swearing and shouting.
Anyway, it's 0525 and off we go.
I told my trainee that I would pick him up at Horley but now we ain't stopping and I can't use my phone.
He is quite clever I thought to myself , he will meet me at Gatwick.
As I sail through a deserted Horley because all the punters had followed station staff advice and got the replacement bus service to Gatwick, imagine my dismay that the only silly bollox standing on the empy platform was my trainee watching a train that ain't stopping leave him behind in the cold.
I picked him up on the way back and politely asked why the fuck he didn't get on the bus he looked all forlorn and said 'I thought you would stop'.
Anyway the morning slightly improved when he bought my breakfast.
If the track worker is reading this I hope you feel like the big rancid turd you are, for ruining the morning for so many people you big bag of wet shit.
Please buy my E book A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, Every self service screen tested at McDonald's in the UK was found to have fecal matter on them. Every single one, uurgh.
La la la
The fuckhead driving the mini cab this morning took a wrong turn even though I told him the route. Go over Lambeth Bridge and there are two options, go straight ahead for Horseferry road or turn left go along the Embankment to Vauxhall Bridge road. Not this flaccid prick, he turned right. I asked him what he was doing and he said it was the way . I pointed out the the station was now behind us but he tapped the console and said ' rate nav sat nav '
Ok no problem I thought, there is still time. We drove down Victoria street but at Vauxhall Bridge road he carried straight on. ' Where the hell are you going? I asked, I said fuck but im being polite for the delicate readers.
He said ' I take you to black gate' ' what black gate? I want the car park'
He replied ' no no black gate is good'
Ok I thought, lets see how this pans out.
He drove me around the one way system and eventually stopped outside the station in Buckingham Palace road.
The gates were locked ( it was 4am after all) 'here you go' he said. 'the gates are locked you dumb fuck I said, now turn this fucker round and take me to the station car park.
After some deliberation he finally agreed and I guided him to the car park. He was actually pleased because hadn't been there before.
It gets even worse from there.
I get to my train and it has a Not To Move board on it. I called Control and they said it must have been a forgetful cleaner and they would get it removed.
This is at 0420, I'm supposed to leave at 0435. At 0432 I called the signaller and told him I was waiting for the board to be taken off. He said 'that's ok driver, you can do it', there were some workers down there last night they must have forgotten to remove It, you have my permission to do so
I said ' no thanks I will stick to the rule book and wait'. He protested vigorously but I hung up.
0445 I call Control again and they can't find out who put the board up. 0450 and Control tell me a track worker did it and was now in his car half way home and they were trying to get someone in authority to assist.
0500, I get told to change trains. No problem, I'm on platform 12 there is a train on platform 10. I inform the passengers and we all trudge round to platform 10. Guess what? No bloody train. I call Control and they said it will be there in 4 minutes.
4 minutes later train comes in only it's 12 coaches long, I should have 4.
The driver of this train was late for his break so I said I would do the detachment. Platform staff told me Control wanted me to take 8 coaches as more punters had turned up. I did the split only to be told to take the original 4 coaches. I am still calm at this point as my coffee was still warm . I reattach then split the train and set up the front 4 coaches. It is now 0515.
As we leave I asked the Signaller if we were stopping all stations as booked he said yes.
First stop is Clapham junction. At Clapham a platform guy gives me a special not to call form. Due to late running the train now will only call at East Croydon and Gatwick. Now I am fucked off. I have a train full of people and 9 stations I ain't stopping at, they are going to go mental.
Still, I make the announcement and through the thick fire proof doors I hear lots if swearing and shouting.
Anyway, it's 0525 and off we go.
I told my trainee that I would pick him up at Horley but now we ain't stopping and I can't use my phone.
He is quite clever I thought to myself , he will meet me at Gatwick.
As I sail through a deserted Horley because all the punters had followed station staff advice and got the replacement bus service to Gatwick, imagine my dismay that the only silly bollox standing on the empy platform was my trainee watching a train that ain't stopping leave him behind in the cold.
I picked him up on the way back and politely asked why the fuck he didn't get on the bus he looked all forlorn and said 'I thought you would stop'.
Anyway the morning slightly improved when he bought my breakfast.
If the track worker is reading this I hope you feel like the big rancid turd you are, for ruining the morning for so many people you big bag of wet shit.
Please buy my E book A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, Every self service screen tested at McDonald's in the UK was found to have fecal matter on them. Every single one, uurgh.
La la la
Friday, 8 February 2019
WHAT A DAY
What a day today has been. I woke up to see that the weather was quite shitty, it was that bad I thought I had woken up in a Coastal place.
I was in the shower and I saw a spider. I killed that spider. Not because it was in my shower staring at my naked body but because it saw me masturbating.
Now masturbating isn't a crime in the privacy of one's own home and lots of people enjoy a good tug before work but I didn't want the spider to go and tell all his mates and then one morning find half a dozen spiders in my shower hoping to catch me tugging away. No witness no crime is my motto.
Anyway the weather was quite shitty and I looked out my patio window and saw that next door had hung some washing out a few days ago and now a blanket had been blown into my garden. Being a good neighbour I trampled it a bit then threw back over the fence.
The thing about not going Coastal is that they then travel up here. I was in the crew room enjoying a coffee and in walks this Coastal guy whose hair looked like astro turf. It was the worst hair covering I have seen in a long time.
He said hello (we have met before), and sat down. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up. I asked him why he rolled up his sleeves and he said he didn't like long sleeves so I suggested short sleeve shirts instead. He looked at me like I had just discovered a new moon and started Googling shirt shops.
So before going out to do a bit I needed a wee. I stood at the urinal to places away from another guy and we heard someone talking on the phone in a cubicle. I said loudly to the other guy 'how the fuck can you talk on the phone whilst taking a shit?' Before he could answer the dirty got in the cubicle shouted 'mind your own business thid is an important call'.
I called him a woman's reproductive part and left (yes I washed my hands first).
Anyway I've got to go for a haircut so finish this later.
Please buy my ebook A Clean Week.
Interesting fact the 1st Mcdonalds only sold hotdogs!
I was in the shower and I saw a spider. I killed that spider. Not because it was in my shower staring at my naked body but because it saw me masturbating.
Now masturbating isn't a crime in the privacy of one's own home and lots of people enjoy a good tug before work but I didn't want the spider to go and tell all his mates and then one morning find half a dozen spiders in my shower hoping to catch me tugging away. No witness no crime is my motto.
Anyway the weather was quite shitty and I looked out my patio window and saw that next door had hung some washing out a few days ago and now a blanket had been blown into my garden. Being a good neighbour I trampled it a bit then threw back over the fence.
The thing about not going Coastal is that they then travel up here. I was in the crew room enjoying a coffee and in walks this Coastal guy whose hair looked like astro turf. It was the worst hair covering I have seen in a long time.
He said hello (we have met before), and sat down. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves rolled up. I asked him why he rolled up his sleeves and he said he didn't like long sleeves so I suggested short sleeve shirts instead. He looked at me like I had just discovered a new moon and started Googling shirt shops.
So before going out to do a bit I needed a wee. I stood at the urinal to places away from another guy and we heard someone talking on the phone in a cubicle. I said loudly to the other guy 'how the fuck can you talk on the phone whilst taking a shit?' Before he could answer the dirty got in the cubicle shouted 'mind your own business thid is an important call'.
I called him a woman's reproductive part and left (yes I washed my hands first).
Anyway I've got to go for a haircut so finish this later.
Please buy my ebook A Clean Week.
Interesting fact the 1st Mcdonalds only sold hotdogs!
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