THIS WEEK

This has been a right bastard week. I paid some guy to do some work to build me a second garage and the fecking tosser fell off the roof so now I have a large hole next to my house. I was walking down the street yesterday and I saw a humongous fat lady, (I think it was a lady), I moved to one side to avoid her and she moved the same way so I moved back and the fat freak moved back too, as we got closer I moved over again and the fecking hippo moved too. We almost collided. the fat beast said to me "how much bloody pavement do you want you wanker" I replied "if I could get enough to get two people your size on it I would sell it to gatwick airport for their extra runway you ugly rhino. She wasn't happy but was too fat to chase me. I stood behind some fecking loser at the cash point and three times, how many times? three times his card said INSUFFICIENT FUNDS but the fecker still kept trying. Miserable Ken at the gym was moaning about his tooth ache. I told him to go to the dentist cos his grille needs repainting, all his fangs are different colours. He moaned that his dentist had no parking and he couldnt be arsed to take the bus. He gets it FREE and he couldn't be arsed. Just so you know, my teeth are lovely. Im not keen on Ashton Kutcher taking over from Charlie Sheen on the Two and a Half Men program, its okay but it aint the same. I am doing a challenge at the gym where you have 50 days to do 25 wide grip pull ups, I'm up to 16 and I have 40 days left. The prize is one free month and a bottle of wine, and its not rubbish wine, its from Lidls. Anyway have to go now I played golf today and I was fecking useless. I spent so much time in the bushes the police came cos they thought I was a sex pest, (I am but not today). I have to cook my dinner and your all welcome, I'm having roast potatoes, chips and mash. la la la

COUNCIL PEOPLE IRRITATE ME

I am not a snob. I own a decent house and I have a decent job. What pisses me off is those whinging wankers who live in council flats and moan about things they aint got. I was in the gym this morning and this fat guy who goes there was moaning about his weight and his eqyually fat unattractive wife. This guy who I shall call Ken, (cos thats his real name)was moaning the council have put the price of his garage rent up to £12 a week. I asked him what car he had, and likea stupid moron grinned and said Vauxhall Omega. Now this fat waste of skin doesnt work and only drives his car in the rain cos he dont like getting wet. He has two daughters and three grandkids and says the car is the only way they can all travel together cos bus seats are too narrow. He boasted that he lied to his doctor so that he could get his gym membership at a discount on medical grounds. this fecking whale has been going to the gym for over a year and has not lost a pound in weight. He walks on the treadmill at a granny pace for thirty minutes then on the way home buys six cans of Stella ( ahhh stella) for a fiver, every day. He moaned that the price of oven chips has risen twice this year. Who the fecking hell eats oven chips?. He admits him and Mrs Fatwhale smoke about 40 fags a day, it used to be more but they cant afford more. Makes me want to weep for the fecking redneck bastards. Imagine a bald Robbie Coltrane with a moustache and that is what this pig looks like.
Then my other reason for disliking council rednecks are my neighbours a few doors away. I own my house, I like my house its a nice house and its mine, but..... just yards away is afecking family of bastards that make too much noise, they only go in or out in the early hours of the morning and they are always fighting. Not one week goes by with them breaking a window or ripping down their garden fence. Last week, Mr Noisybollox smashed his fence down cos his partner shut him during a row. Its a shame its illegal to shoot people cos trust me, I would spend all my fecking money on bullets and shovels, ( well you cant leave em lying there dead so I would be decent and bury them). The thing is, every week a council contractor has to come and put right the damage these lowlifes cause and it irritates me. I beg all of you, vote me in as London mayor, and I will eradicate the problem of scummy council dwellers. la la la

YOU BEING ME

How do you feel today? I bet you dont feel as great as me. I went to the gym on saturday and had a massive workout, I went to the gym on sunday and had a massive workout, I had a spin class last nite and I put in a tremendous effort and felt awesome afterwards. This morning I went to the gym again and several people commented on my high level of fitness and my workout rate. They envied me. Just like you are doing right now. I know one or two of you are kidding yourselves that you dont, but I know that you do. Right now I feel so healthy and alive and happy I just feel sorry for the rest of you.

D. LIST NOBODIES

My mate has just called me. Well he aint my mate anymore cos I told him to feck off. The silly arse rang me to see if I knew who had been kicked out of the Big Brother house. No. NO I DONT. And whats more I dont bloodywell care. I dont watch it, I never have and I never will. The people who go on that programme aint celebrities, they are, almost well known losers who dont have real lives to lead. The current crop contains a pooper with whose husband cant control her, a loser pickey who is famous for getting bashed up, two ugly twins with hair that should be cut off from the throat up and a fat bloke who has fake boobs and stomach. I pride myself on having better tatse in my TV choice. These people dont interest me one iota. I told my ex mate that after I called him a word that rhymes with front. I cant believe he would watch such drivel and I am flabbergasted that he thought I would waste my time watching it. Listen up people, these types of shows are crap, its cheap entertainment that doesnt entertain and all the while brain dead jeremy kyle type people watch them then the more occasions we will find them on telly and in our newspapers. Its time we all said NO. Vote for me, vote for me. I will save you.

BLOODY HERO

I gave blood today. After a full days work and a quick gym session, I went and donated blood.I didn't do it for the free car sticker which they didn't give me, I didn't do it for a free coaster which they were out of, and I didn't do it for the free cup of tea and a biscuit which was cheap tea and a bland biscuit. I did it cos it made me feel good. Yes, I was a bit woozy and felt faint watching my blood pour into the plastic bag beside the uncomfortable bed I was lying on, and I'm sure they took more than they needed, but now that I'm home and rested and I have a lovely bruise to show off, I feel that I have done a good deed today, which means I can be a complete bastard tomorrow, la la la

low score high esteem

I played golf today and I scored my lowest round ever. Let me say that again, my lowest score ever. I enjoy my golf and when I woke up this morning the weather looked grim. Those bloody dumb divs on the telly got it wrong again, they never mentioned rain and I was looking forward to an early tee off, but the weather was just too bad to play. I always like to have a plan B, so I got the tissue out and watched a movie, however I was more eager than I thought and so six minutes later it was still raining so I watched a different movie and luckily I wasn't as quick, anyway I stared out the window and waited. Anyway long story short the weather changed, I was super chilled and hit some of the sweetest golf shots ever. So my theory is always buy good quality tissue, and always have a good movie under the bed.

MISERABLE FLOWERS

I have just come back from the cemetary. I have never seen so many miserable people. It was like being at a West Ham match. There were women crying, there were men crying, there were men trying stop themselves from crying, and children who didnt want to be there. Even though the sun was shining and even though everyone here was obviously not at work today, the mood was decidedly downbeat. And to make matters worse, the choice of flowers was abysmal. The flower seller spent more money on her fake tan than she did on the flowers she was trying to off load. I dont normally buy flowers, ( cos the petrol station near me stopped selling them). But surely, if you are going to charge a bunch of grieving misery guts £11 for a handful of flowers, shouldnt they have more life in them then the people in the boxes we have come to visit?. She tried to say she was too busy to go to her usual supplier, luckily, there was some flowers lying on the ground not far away so I used those, the card attached was no good to me so I threw it away. And what about the snack wagon?, he didnt sell alcohol and the sandwiches are ex British Rail ones, the were so stiff I giving them to my grandkids to use as frisbees. Anyway, my duty has been done,I managed to get my car out the of the car park without running over anyone and its back to my brothers to drink his beer for a change.