GOLF OR PUB

Last week I made plans to play golf this week on wednesday and thursday. I made these plans because those over paid badly dressed weather forecasters said the weather would be nice. I played golf yesterday and the the weather was indeed very nice and I had a really good time followed obviousy by some alcohol. I cancelled the plans for golf today and arranged to go to the pub with friends instead. I did this because that beardy sandal wearing lentil crunching crazy cardigan wearing idiot was sure that today was going to be a total washout. Well I have looked out the window several times today and it aint farking raining. Dont get me wrong, im looking forward to a long session in the pub (dont expect sex later cos I wont be able to), and im sure it will be a larf. However I will spend a lot more money than I would have if I had gone golf. Also I really should give my liver a rest. I hope that the weather stays nice for the lads going on the bike ride tomorrow, I will think of you when I am at the pub (again). Can I just say to the weather forecasters, I dont like you, I never have, you tell more lies than a british rail timetable, I blame myself because I should not have faith in you, maybe your beards are hypnotic. I dont understand how so much money can be spent on so few correct predictions. I hope you stub your crusty dirty sandalled talon shaped toes and fall over and land in a puddle of rancid carrot slush.

moments I waste

I woke up early this morning, dontknow why buy I did. I made some coffee and and turned on the news. That woman who is well known for something or other but is now famous for shagging Ryan giggs was on the tv crying that she feels sad and embarrassed that her sex life is all over the papers and that this famous footballer she slept with is the love of her life. Really?? why then was her first phone call to a publicist and the second to a seedy newspaper? I knew watching the bimbo on the telly that I had just wasted moments of my life watching someone I have no interest in so I turned to another news channel and saw some silly jelly head in Ireland crying because the American president visited his village. This man was actually crying, fark me he needs to get a life. I switched back and that volcano is apparently making life difficult for thousands of people. Sorry folks but it aint bothering me, im playing golf later, i then out the sports news on and was gobsmacked to hear that the Barcelona football teams plans are in the bin because they to come a day early, well boo hoo im sure that sucks, I have been to Barcelona and I didnt like it there either. Simon Cowell was in the papers again. Who?? yeah thats what I thought, he does not interest me at all, not one bit. Saw a picture of Dannii wotsername, she was cying, saw a picture of skinny Beckham, she was pouting, saw a picture of that gay fella Biggins, he still grins like a mental patient and lastly I saw "highlights " of Gary Nevilles testimonial, there were two number sevens on his team, is that how they win so many games? So to sum up, in the short time I have been awake I have wasted my time not finding anything of note happening in the world that deems to be newsworthy. How very dull and a waste of my tissue time. La la la .

Todays News is

Todays news is dull and boring, I have been away for a couple of days and nothing new happened. The weather has been unpredictable as usual, what that means is the forecasters dont know, another dopey footballer has been caught with his pants down meaning some dumb failed model is gonna make her fortune saying how much she loved him and how much he lied to her in order to get laid. To be honest it was the worst kept secret in football and I really wasn't and still ain't interested. Barack Obama is in Ireland, so what who cares? And again Ryanair is cancelling all its flight because some volcano somewhere is being sick. Why does anyone fly Ryan air? Its not passenger friendly. The football season is now over so the back pages are gonna be full of sports no one cares about and stories about silly amounts of money being spent on players that ain't worth it. The weather people are really annoying me because I aint missing the rain and if my garden turns yellow I dont think I will lose any sleep. its raining in Wales and Scotland. Nothing new about that. I bet you a fiver another model/footballer story breaks before the new season starts.

them and us

Have you noticed how not one of our senior politicians from any party has a son or daughter in the military serving overseas?. have you also noticed how only the rich and famous can be granted a gagging injunction when they get caught shagging someone they aint married to or when their dealer wants to earn a few quid giving their name to the papers? Why do we as a nation let the rich and powerful pull all the strings? I dont buy the Sun newspaper and I would never read the News of the World, but hey, if you throw enough shit at the fan, some of it must be true. Do we believe that a footballer would fall in love with an ugly glamour model just because she likes the taste of tadpoles, and do we really believe some old french guy tried to hump a chambermaid who is on minimum wage who used to be a "glammer modell" and do we believe that that FIFA is not corrupt ot that Quatar really wants the 2022 world cup. I dont like conspirousy stories (I do really) but i want them to be realistic. I dont for one second think that the C in KFC stands for chicken, and I dont believe the Mac Ds "we.re loving it" bollox. Churchill insurance adverts scrape the bottom of good taste, the halifax adverts are the worst acting I have ever seen, I spray myself with Lynx every day and rats cross the road to avoid me, I dont know why I started this but I have just drunk a bottle of red wine and had six stellas for a fiver. Can you believe I pay £26 pounds a month for a diary. la la la diddly dee.

Police Budgets

As some of you may know, two doors along from house I have very annoying anti-social noisy neighbours. I don't know exactly who lives there because so many people come and go its quite difficult to keep a tab. During the school holidays there are kids coming and going as well. My neighbours either talk loudly on the phone in the garden or talk loudly whilst walking up and down the street in front of my house. Most nights there are several cars coming and going and it is obvious what deals are being made. The police are called to this address at least twice a week. What I didn't know before is that the house is council owned and the people living there have been evicted from several other properties before, (i'm not surprised). Anyway these wonderful people were up to their usual shenanigans at 7am this morning screaming ang shouting the street because the car would not start and apparently they dont have breakdown on their insurance or some crappy reason. Anyway, screaming, shouting and swearing ensued for about 10 mins until a police car turned up with two police women in it. They were told to fark off and so another car turned up with 2 more plods. So now at half seven when I don't want to be up I have all this noise outside my house and then one of the plods drags one of the neighbours outside my door and stands there while the man calls her all sorts of nasty names. She obviously didn't like it so radios for MORE plod and in no time at all TWO vans come tearing down the road and fark me sideways a helicopter hovers above. When my friends motorbike was stolen all she got was a short note saying "TUFF SHIT " when a police officer breaks a nail they send half the police force. That address must surely be on some sort of data base as " A place of Interest" I don't understand how they have not been put in jail going by the number of times they have been taken away by the police. Surely if the police just waited outside the house for one night they would have enough proof to lock them up. I don't want to sound old and moody but farking hell two cars two vans and a helicopter is a bit much, especially when in the end no one gets arrested and all the plod drive off. And the police wonder why their budgets are in question. For a small fee and a royal pardon I would happily burn the house down. I am going to E-mail Boris Johnson later today and offer to do his job for him. Only for a week but I guarantee that at the end of that week London would be safer, and quieter. La la la

GRRRRRR it's not right

I have been watching the news today and several things have really made me angry. The first one the Queen in Ireland laying wreaths for the fallen Irish, how about Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness coming over here and laying wreaths for all the people murdered by Irish terrorists. Secondly, two men are finally going to be tried properly for the murder of Stephen Lawrence, well its about time because everyone but the police know they did it and thirdly Ken Clarke has gone on record saying some rape crimes are not serious. WHAT???? Ken Clarke is a lucky man because if I knew an unfortunate rape victim I would go and punch him in the face for saying what he did. There is no excuse and he should resign and hide under his rock or slimy Dave Cameron should sack his ass. Either way Ken Clarke should never be heard from again. I like Ireland, its a pretty country however the Queen does look well bored, having said that she is 85 yrs old. But lets be honest Ireland ain't Snow White in the history department and I don't think Stephen Lawrence was a saint but he didn't deserve to be killed by scummy racists and that fat mess Ken Clarke just proves that those rich Tory twats don't live in the real world. Angry?? you bet I am.

Last Thoughts

Someone has just asked me if I'm afraid of dying. Like the pervert Woody Allen said, "I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens". Personally, I dont give death much thought. People always talk about sad funerals but I think funerals are great. I think it's the time to remember all the good happy times the person in the box had when he or she was alive. Talking about death can be very depressing, unless you are a West Ham fan, then its probably a better subject to be talking about. But I like to dwell on the good things in life, for example, do you ever enjoy a really good dump? I mean the kind of headstrainer that takes a good ten or fifteen minutes and there is no one else in the house so you can make as much noise as you want. What about when you are leaving for work and you see the breakdown truck arrive at your horrible neighbours house and you just know that they will be late for work and the car repairs will be expensive. I like those times. I like getting crisp ten pound notes from the cash point machine and not those sweaty wrinkled notes the shop keeper tries to palm you off with. I always ask for better notes and when he refuses I just buy something really cheap and give him the manky note back. Its not much but the look on his face makes me happy. Its like watching "You've Been Framed" its nice to see Americans making complete fools of themselves but its much more fun when they hurt themselves in the process. Life, as they say is too short. Worry about death when your old and be happy when your not. If my doctor told me I was going to die soon, I wouldn't mope about it, I would go out and rob a bank, what can they do about it? I'd sell my house and waste the money on me, sod the kids, I'm off and I'm taking a big suitcase of cash with me. I like to think about good things like when someone at work you don't like doesn't get the promotion they wanted. Life can be sweet. So lets not think about dying, at some point today have a good shit and be happy. la la la .