FAULKNER

Boris has the virus. He is in intensive care in a NHS hospital. Bet he wishes his Tory party hadn't made so many cuts over the years, but we wish him well.
Wesley has moved down south to live with the sheep and has taken his perfect hair with him. Not a problem because I have found the perfect replacement.
His name is Michael Faulkner. We don't like Michael because he is everything I ain't. He is tall, good looking, nice personality and bloody immaculate hair. No arse though, he is very flat at the back. Me, I'm short fat bald ugly, big cock nice firm bum.
I went to the park for my run today and was dismayed to see people using the outside gym despite being told not to. Some people are just morons.
I am supposed to be lates next week but I am hoping Gibbsy will do his magic and get me off.
We like Gibbsy, he has a nice smile (I'm not gay I'm just being honest). He swears he ain't gay but every time someone bends over he touches their bum, and has a weird habit of rubbing his crotch when he talks to you.
Went to my local Tesco after my run and it was nice to see it looking almost normal. No queues, stock on the shelves and no one panic buying.
Still missing the football but I am re-reading my E book, A Clean Week, it's a really good book ,you should buy a copy for a friend.
Honor Blackman has passed away. She looked very Hubba Hubba in that Bond movie. She was 94 which ain't bad.
I'm still concerned that some of my colleagues are leaving the cabs in a shit state, (you know who you are you disgusting pigs).
It's Easter this weekend, feel free to give me chocolate (or bacon).
Here is an interesting fact, people who kiss their dogs have lower blood pressure than those who don't.
la la la.

VIRUS UPDATE

Well this weekend the weather is supposed to be very nice. Let's see how many numpties ignore government advice and and go outside unnecessarily.
Well done to the front line NHS, the rest of us key workers got a half mention hidden in a statement by Boris during the week.
It can't be easy being cooped up indoors but it needs to be done. I would like to say hello to my good friend Derek Cue and his wife Lynne, they are staying in and haven't killed each other yet. Derek is always smartly dressed, he is a good man, his wife Lynne is a good man too.
Have you noticed that the media are not talking about the flood victims anymore? What about that annoying brat Greta Thunberg? I am so glad her punchable face is not always on the telly, she really got on my nerves.
The usual suspects are still pretending to have the virus and after this weekend I expect a few more to drop out.
Mr Peglar doesn't think he looks old but the grey hair is a giveaway.
My so called mate Wesley is not answering his phone, he better be dead or I will be annoyed.
Apparently the ozone has improved because of less traffic. I must be honest, talking about the ozone is something I find really boring.
Still no sports being played, Saturdays are boring now, no football has disappointed me more than the invention of the bagpipes.
On the bright side, we are saving money by not going on holidays.
If you need something to do, read my E book, A Clean Week. And get the first few chapters of my new book, Easy Pickings.
What's blue and not heavy? Light blue, ha ha ha ha.
Here is an interesting fact, the lighter was invented before the match. la la la.

VIRUS NONSENSE

This virus is being a bit of a nuisance. People are acting very oddly indeed. The nation is very divided, bringing out the best and the worst of people.
We have weak minded panic buyers taking more than they need. We have people who can't get what they need, we have hoarders being selfish and we have those who are profiteering.
Yes our NHS are doing an amazing job going above and beyond but what about the other key workers?
It sickens me to see till staff being verbally abused by morons acting like neanderthals, it irritates me greatly when rich people appear on telly and tell us to do more. Only this morning in the paper is a picture of that skinny miserable cow Posh Becks showing off her new £19 million dollar flat.
Has anyone seen Prince Philip? I think he may be brown bread but because currently he won't get a state funeral they are keeping it quiet for now.
Who was that moron licking the handles of shopping trolleys and why has he not been arrested yet?
Where I work I have seen people trying to fill bottles with sanitiser from the free ones hanging on the walls, it is ridiculous.
Obviously the usual suspects have taken the opportunity to go sick knowing they will still get paid and the honest ones amongst us know who they are.
The real down side is that the pubs are shut and I was wondering if the bar is open at the house of commons/lords.
Can't the pubs open for key workers only?
It would be nice to have drink without bumping into soppy lawyers and office staff and all those that used to look down on the lower echelons of society.
All of a sudden they need those bus drivers, they need those people working in the shops, they need those cleaners doing what they do and now look, who is the key person at your office.
Wesley is leaving. Who?? Wesley, the guy with the hair.
He is off to the sheep county, obviously had enough living in civilisation and wants the quiet (boring) life.
Boris has the virus but he was nuts before he got it so no sympathy there.
Donald Blump does not have a clue and just stands there looking even more lost than usual.
Hello Mr Peglar (he's the young one who looks old).
So anyway, lets all try be sensible and only buy what you need and stay in if you can. I can recommend a really good book, A Clean Week and if you look on my blog page you get a look at my next book, Easy Pickings.
Here is an interesting fact, women shoplift more than men, the statistics say 4 to 1.  Lalala

WHAT A KNEES UP

This is a true story.

I had a doctors appointment today. I made it 2 weeks ago. I have had a sore knee for about 3 months.  I woke up one morning and my left knee was painful. Being the tough guy I thought nothing of it but it was not getting better so I booked a doctors appointment.
I arrived ten minutes early and gave the receptionist my name address phone number inside leg measurement my mums maiden name the team I support and who I voted for in the election.
She let me sit down.
Twenty minutes after my booked time I was called in.
Fuck me this guy must have been in the same class as Sir Isaac Newton he was that old.
He told me to sit down and asked how I pronounced my name. I told him and he asked where I got that name from,  tough crowd coz when I said my parents he did not laugh.

He looked at the screen and said that I had not been in for quite a while, I told him that I had not been sick for quite a while, still no laugh.
He asked if I was sick now and I said no, he asked why I was there and I told him about my knee. He looked disappointed. He asked me to explain so I told him that my knee was tender and stopping me from walking properly or jogging. He asked if I had trouble breathing I said no he asked if I was peeing ok I said yes, he said, shame.
He asked me to roll up my trouser leg and he grabbed my knee. Fuck me man his hands were cold.
He rummaged around for a few minutes then said it was either muscle damage or cartilage. I asked which it was.
He said he wasn't sure sure and that I could book a scan or rebook with my own doctor for a proper opinion.
I asked if he seen many patients today and he said yes yes quite a few. I asked if any were still alive, tough crowd, still no laugh.
I decided to rebook with my own doctor and hope to see him some time this year.

Please buy my E  book, A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, in 2007, over 210,000 Americans were injured in lawnmower accidents. Silly sods. La la la

DUMB DELIVERY

I was just sitting at home, minding my own, wondering whether to have a tissue moment when there was a knock on the door.
I opened the door and a delivery guy was there holding a parcel. He asked if I could take the parcel in for a neighbour.
I asked who the neighbour was and he said number 34. I said no. He asked why not. I told him that number 34 was a pig ignorant man, a noisy neighbour and he sometimes parked encroaching on my drive way.
The delivery guy said that he had tried other neighbours but no one answered.
I said sorry but no and shut the door.
Five minutes later there was another knock so I answered the door, it was him again.
He told me that he had spoken to his office and they said that it was my civic and moral duty to take the parcel.
I told him to wait and shut the door.
I waited 5 minutes then opened the door door and told him that I had just spoken to my lawyer and he had advised me not to take the parcel.
The delivery guy looked gobsmacked.
He told me that he had this one delivery in South London and 3 more in East London, his depot was in East London and he didn't want to have to drive all the way back to try and deliver this parcel.
Not my problem I said and shut the door.
I went upstairs and a few minutes later I heard the letter box being used.
I went down stairs and the dirty bastard had put a card in saying that he had left a note telling the neighbour that I had his parcel.
I was fuming. I opened the door and the parcel was on the door step.
I took it in and rang the number on the label. I told the woman on the phone that I was going to leave the parcel on the neighbours door step as I did not want to hold on to it and if it got stolen that was not my problem, and I hung up.
I did put the parcel on the neighbours door step and did not give it a second thought.
Fifteen minutes later there was a vigorous banging on my door and I rushed down to answer. I opened the door and saw the delivery guy sitting in his van. He gave me the wanker sign and drove off.
Later that day the neighbour knocked asking for his parcel. I told him that I did not take it in. He was not happy (fuck him).
Later still the neighbour knocked and apologised about his parking.
Fuck him again.
Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, all the ants in the world weigh as much as all the people. La la la.

COASTAL, GRRR

Damn damn damn, I am coastal tomorrow, the laughingly named sunshine coast. I can only describe this place as an above ground cemetery. It's the kind of place the elephant man would be considered sexy. If a woman's pubes don't reach her knees they say she ain't trying hard enough. If your child doesn't have an ASBO by age 5 the parents send them to an orphanage in shame. I saw a guy with what looked like ear plugs and he was holding a phone but as I got closer he had a shoe string hanging from his ear and he was holding a Mars bar. The weather report said sunny spells with showers, I saw a woman and she had a Wellington boot on her right foot and a flip flop on her left. I went to the kiosk on the concourse and asked for a bacon roll, he asked if I wanted it warmed up, I asked who buys cold ones?
The train cleaner was picking up the rubbish in the train and he said, do you want a newspaper? I asked which one is it? He replied yesterday's Metro!!
It is the school holidays and the station is crawling with kids with nothing to do.
In the crew room which is surprisingly tidy, there are two guys discussing Love Island. One of them asked if I watched the show and I told him no. They looked at me like I was the sad one.  Another guy was moaning that the fruit machine was switched off. One of the guys said that the man with the key to switch it back on would be back soon and he said, oh I don't want to play it I just like the lights.
I have had it here.
Please buy my E book,A Clean Week.
Here is an interesting fact, bananas have more trade restrictions than AK47s.

ETHICAL RULES FOR MEN

Over the last couple of weeks I have visited several crew rooms and it seems my male colleagues are not acting in the proper manner. In case some of you have forgotten the 'Man Rules' here they are to remind you.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. If you have known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits. Unless you actually marry her.

3. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts, you may even deny his very existence.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family you must bail a mate out of jail within 24 hours.

5. Bitching about the brand of beer in your mates fridge is forbidden but you can moan if it ain't cold.

6. , On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines the pit stops, not the weakest.

7. Women who say they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies unless they demonstrate full knowledge of the game and can eat a large doner kebab.

8. If a man's zip is open, that's his problem, you shouldn't be looking anyway.

9. No man shall ever be required to buy another man a birthday present.

10. Unless in prison, never fight naked. This includes men not wearing a shirt.

11. Don't let friends wear Speedos...Ever.

12. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his beer.

13. Never hesitate to reach for the last can of beer or slice of pizza, but not both, that's just mean.

14. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him but only in a way that stops you both getting any.

15. If a buddy has an eyelash or other foreign object on his hair or face, you are not allowed to remove it but an appropriate hand gesture is allowed.

16. No man shall ever watch the following programmes on TV,..... Figure Skating, Men's Gymnastics, sports involving women, (unless the women are sexy).

17. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist it is an understood accident, NO apologies or reference to the incident is necessary.

18. No man shall allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons, Rockie films or Rambo movies.

19. There is never an occasion that a shirt without buttons should be tucked in.

20. The only time a man may cry is when a heroic dog died trying to save his master or being struck in the balls by an object moving faster than 7 miles an hour.

21. Only in an  empty room, car, etc may two non related males ask is the other is ok just because he isn't talking.

22. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy MUST be caught.

23. No man shall ever keep count of the amount of beers he has had in a night. A reasonable guess will be accepted in the morning.

24. If you jiggle it more than three times, you're playing with.

25. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil/ lotion.

26. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

27. If you say 'ouch' you are a wuss.

28. Last but not least, it is the God given right of every man to assist any other man that may need assistance to obtain the holy grail...a threesome ( with 2 women).

Here is an interesting ( strange) fact...if you tickle the same rat every day, eventually it will soon start laughing as soon as it sees you.

Please buy my E book, A Clean Week.  la la la.