NO ONE LOVES ME

No one loves me. I have the house to myself. She is away gallivanting. I got up early today after a damned good nits sleep. I went to the gym and had a fairly decent work out. I took a leisurely 2 mile walk to Deptford market, which was a waste of time cos the market was only half out and I didnt see anything worth buying. I had a nice walk back, picking up my new christmas jeans from the cleaner on the way. I put on my lottery (fingers crossed) and arrived home. I have loads of alcohol in the house but I'm trying to refrain from drinking so I am watching a box set of Family Guy sober. Its still funny but if you watch it slightly tipsy its hilarious. There is no decent football today so after Family Guy I will read a book for a while. I intend to go gym tomorrow morning then wash my motorbike. I am really enjoying some alone time, ita actually quite nice being unloved. I am naked apart from socks cos ita a big chilly, well it would be cos I'm naked duh. Maybe later I might have a tissue moment, might as well cos she is away gallivanting. Being on my own is quite nice but I have nothing to talk to myself about. There is a get together later. If im not to tired bored and aint hung myself I might honour them with my presence. I might not though cos I quite like this rare day of peace. If God loves me he will make it rain hard and heavy in Bristol, just for today. Actually, I might have a beer, just one cos I have been a good boy so far this year. Anyway I must go, I want to watch another episode of Family Guy and then plan my mayoral campaign. Please vote for me. La la la if I win, we will all go to the moon. There are two squirrels in my garden, should I feed them?. No cos they will keep coming back. Ooh I almost forgot, I'm cooking home made burgers and fat seasoned chips for dinner and some scrambled eggs, must remember to wash hands if I have tissue moment first. Hope its cold in Bristol.

AUSTRALIA ? NO THANKS

I just saw an advert on telly for holiday in Australia from £749. I rang the number on the screen and quoted the reference number and this chinlees idiot asked me how he could help me. I told him I was interested in buying a holiday that is being offered and without even checking he said they were all gone. I told him the advert is still on the telly so how can they be all gone if they are still being advertised. He replied that he didnt know but he can offer me a holiday for £1260. I told him for that price, instead of one week in Australia I could have 3 weeks in Egypt. He said if I went to Australia I could mingle with lots of Ex Pats. I told him if I wanted to talk to English people I would stay at home. I then said "Listen mate, I have my credit card in my hand and right now I want to buy two holidays for £749 so I can bring a lady with me, and have an week of amazing sex and great company" he asked "cant you afford £1260? So I said yes I can but it would mean going on my own and I dont want to go all the way to Australia just for a wank" he told me it was lovely "down under" so I asked him where he liked best. The silly sod said he had never been but the brochure.....I stopped him mid speech and said, "fuck the brochure, brochures say Skodas are nice cars but I dont want one of those either" he asked me what car I drive and told him it was a Saab, I asked him what car he drove and his reply was "I dont want to say" so I said "it must be a shit one then" he was quiet so I asked if there was someone who he could put me through to so I could ask about these £749 holidays and he blurted out that they never existed, the price advertised was just to get people to ring in. I demanded he put me through to a supervisor and when I got through I told him I had just been told of their blatant scam. He offered me a holiday for £1130 so like the dope before him at £749 I was getting laid, over a grand was an expensive box of tissues. Upshot of the story, this year I'm getting laid in Morrocco.

2012

Ok its now a new year. Can we please leave the craziness of the last few days behind us. I can't believe how so many sane minded people slipped into the mindset of redneck America and started stockpiling supplies like it was the end of the world. Its raining today, new years day so that sets the template for the rest of the year. Hopefully, some of the lazy no good bastards I work with will change their lifestyles and actually put in a good weeks work. I am already bored with the adverts for holidays and I am equally bored with the so called has been nobodies trying to sell keep fit DVDs. Its always busy in the gym during January and then they all quit during February when those DVDs don't work. I will hopefully stay as sexy and gorgeous as I have always been and I hope my year is so much better than last year. MCL is still nowhere near full fitness but being the super trooper she is, she is striving to get there, she puts many of her co workers to shame and I look forward to her return, the crew room misses her character. Anyway, folks, I still want to be your mayor so vote for me, I'm honest but open to bribery if it gets things done. Have a good 2012 everyone and dont forget to go to the moon. La la la

Just ME

I am home alone. The weather is awful, its raining heavily outside and tomorrow looks no better. However, today I had a really cushty duty, and I finished early. I went and had some horizontal dancing and it was just superb. I went home and tne house was clean tidy and empty so I had a tissue moment and I have to say I feel very relaxed. I am cooking myself a really nice meal, I can hear the rain beating against my double glazing and I'm glad I'm indoors. I have a lovely movie to watch and beer in the fridge, sometimes, just sometimes , its nice to be alone. I have had a good day, I feel happy and sated and I'm gonna eat a delicious meal, its delicious cos I cooked it, and then I may have a shower before reading a good book in bed. I am working tomorrow and I aint best pleased about that, but today was about me, just me, la la la

WHERE TO GO

So now that christmas is over and all those momotonous adverts for sales will soon be stopping, we can look forward to loads of monotonous adverts for holidays. I dont know where im gonna go this year, I wont know until I return all the presents I dont want and then I will know how much money I can spend. Where ever I go it wont be anywhere advertised by that smug twat jamie redknapp and it wont be anywhere a pikie like wayne rooney would go to. I need a beach and a decent hotel plus damn good weather, anything else will just be a bonus. I want to spend two weeks in my mankini, sipping pina coladas watching the honeys walk by with their fit bodies wearing almost nothing. I will just be lying there like a beached walrus with my hand down my pants having naughty thoughts. I cant wait

NORMALITY

Have you ever seen one of those films where a small town in the middle on nowhere America is under attack from zombies or a plague virus and the army cordon off the town until the resolve the situation. And when its all over the town folk come out of their homes and rub their eyes as they look up at the sun. Well it was bit like that in the supermarket today. Three days ago in the very same shop it was bloody chaos with people panic buying stuff they dont need and running around seeing what other shoppers are buying. Yet today it like peace on earth, people strolling around, serene music being played overhead and even the till staff were smiling. I can believe the transformation and yet I dont understand what turned supposedly sane people into raving loonies. Everytime there is a bank holiday the country goes mad. Its as if a bad event is coming and we have to lock ourselves in our homes until its over. I could understand if this was the USA. They are all paranoid guntoting worry freaks who trust no one and who are despised by the rest of the world.they Americans are like the French only fatter. I am writing this in the hope that sanity prevails for new years eve and can I just ask all of you to get a fecking grip, its only one day and the shops are still open. Having said that, its probably best not to stand in front of me when the sales are on cos I can be as mad as the very maddest and I do love a bargain and I have no patience and hate queueing, be warned

BLOODY FORECASTERS

Im , cold, those bastard weather people got it wrong again. They said it would be mild and it damn well aint.its my fault for believing them so I shall slap myself later and drink one beer less. When im mayor all forecasters will be treated like them idiots they are and be made to wear cones on their heads. Those bastard weather people, im so cold, maybe I should shut the window. La la la