GUILT TRIP

A lady friend of mine has just rang me and told me that her husband is cheating on her. I asked her if she was sure and she said yes.  She thinks its a woman where he works. He started washing and shaving more, he started worrying about his weight, he bought decent aftershave and his mobile is now always off when he is at home. I asked her if she had told him that she knows and she said yes, she said she had even given him large love bites so that this other woman would see them but the husband doesnt care. I asked if she had tried following him and she said she tried that but she is no good at it and he keeps spotting her. I asked if her if she still had her wedding dress and does it still fit she said yes. I advised her to keep following him as often as possible but dont try to hide and when you follow him, wear the wedding dress. In fact I said, wear the dress and in the morning forget to make his sandwiches and take them to his place of work and wear the wedding dress. If that dont work, wait till he is asleep and superglue his hand to his cock. She asked if that would work, I told her it happened to me once and I have never cheated again.

JOBSWORTHS

I needed a new fridge. I went Comets to have a look around but as sonn as I stepped through the door a spotty faced guy in a shirt that was way to big asked me if I needed help. I thanked him and said no. I wlaked towards the fridge section and he followed me. I have been told that I have a cute bum but this guy followed me all the way around the shop. I deliberately went past the fridges twice trying to lose him but he stayed right behind me. Eventually I started looking at the fridges and I opened the doors and slid out the trays and I ummed and I ahhed and I looked very interested. I gave particular attention to a nice fridge and then spotty made his move. "Do you like this one?" he asked "Yes " I replied, " Does it come in green?" he looked at me like I had just asked for a blow job and said  "Dont be silly, what fridge comes in green? " I told him I had seen a green one in Currys but it was a lot dearer. he looked me for a while then walked away. Moments later he came back with a woman who was obviously the manager and looked like she put her make up on whilst having a sneezing fit.  She approached me and said "I have checked currys website and they dont do this model in green , sir" I looked at her and then said "What other colours does it come in?" she didnt know and went to check. While she was gone I left the shop. I went to a shop that sells fridges and oicked one I liked and its being delivered today.
So i borrowed my neighbours van and took my old fridge down to the recycling centre. The bloke in charge came over and asked for proof of residency so I showed him and he asked what I was throwing away. I told him it was a fridge and his face turned purple. "You cant bring fridges here" he yelled. I looked over his shoulder and pointed to a stack of fridges in his yard. "Whats that then?" I said. He said "Those are fridges but YOU cant bring them in, they have gasses in them and have to be disposed of properly" I asked  "How do you do that? He gave me a card with a number on and said "Ring that number" I asked "What happens then?" he said "We come and get it" So I rang the number and I shit you not, the phone in his hut rang. He went and answered it, I said "Hello can you come and get my old fridge please?" he said "Certainly sir, where are you?" I said "Im outside in the van" He hung up.
He came back and said it was company policy to collect fridges and he cant accept mine. After a brief few harsh words I gave him a fiver and I drove the van 100 yards back down the road. Several minutes later he turned up in his van and took my fridge. Many years ago I  applied for a council job, but I failed because of my head. Its got a brain in it. 

Harry Gonner

The final Harry Potter film comes out this week. That's it, it's over, what will we do? How will we cope? Phone lines will be set up for those unable to continue life without Harry in their lives. Special Muggle shelters will be constructed to house the influx of distraught runaways, forced to flee the sanctity of their homes because their parents just don't get it. No doubt there'll be a section of next year's Children in Need dedicated to helping these hysterical unfortunates get the support they need. For just one pound a month you can help kids everywhere overcome the loss that has ruined their lives since they said their last goodbye to Harry, Ron and Hermione. But don't worry, J K Rowling will probably write another one at some point. In the meantime here's some advice. Go read something else.

OOPS, MY BAD

MAD CAT LADY did not like my last blog, she said it was very sexist and inappropriate, she went on to say moan moan moan, nag nag nag, blah blah blah. I said I was sorry and to prove I wasnt sexist I patted her on the bum and gave some money to go and have her nails done and to buy a new hand bag. Im not sexist, some of my best clothes have been washed by women. All my calenders have women on them and I never swear at bad woman drivers, I just say tut tut tut and shake my head. If it wasnt for women we wouldnt be here. Did you know it used to be legal to beat your wife as long as the stick was not wider than your thumb?( yes I know im in trouble again but im using the female side of my brain) .

GENDER EQUALITY

there is an old saying, "A womans work is never done" Well I have a new one, " A womans work is never done which is why you dont earn as much as men". Woman are always moaning about men and our faults but if you think about it, women get more than they deserve. If a man breaks down in his car and calls the AA or RAC, he gets told there is a wait of up to 2 hours, if awoman rings up she gets told half an hour ( I wonder how long a gay man has to wait). Women moan men dont act chivalrous but when you hold open a door for them they say they can do it themselves. Well here are some other things you can do yourselves, get a spider out the bath, go and investigate that noise downstairs at 2am, tell yourself you look nice in that ridiculous skirt, wash your own car, walk yourself home late at night. I could go on but if I ever want sex again its best I dont.

WIMBLEGONE

Its over, thank God for that. I hate tennis, I hate the fact that it dominates our media for far too long only to be told what we already know, the Brits are not good enough. The best hope we had was Murray and he aint pretty enough to be the champion. Still its over for another year and the good news is that the football is almost back. Its been a poor weekend for British sport, the tennis we knew we would get nothing but David Haye was absolutely disastrous, not only did he get embarrassed in the ring he made himself look completely stupid in the buildup. I played golf yesterday, the weather was gorgeous, my game was ugly but the weather was nice. I didnt feel well afterwards so I went home to relax but I was quite rough. I decided to go for a short walk hoping it would help, so I filled a bottle with juice and headed for the park. On the way I saw a lovely bunch of flowers and I thought they would make a lovely gift, so I untied them from the lamp post and gave them to my sister. When I got back I didnt feel much better and my mood was further dampened because there was no beer in the fridge, which was handy because if I had drunk them I would have felt much worse. I had an early night and this morning although slightly better I went to the gym to have a good sweat but the sight of all those fit healthy people depressed me so I came home. I am now having a dee lish egg and bacon sandwich with orange juice in my garden reading a good book. la la , everyones gone to the moon.

HALCYON DAYS

When I was a young lad growing up, I had hair, but thats not what I want to tell you. I also used play in the adventure playground with my friends (yes I had some). I used to go up the rope ladders, I used to pretend I was Tarzan on the rope swings, I used to build camps and make camp fires. My friends and I would go on long cycle rides and be gone all day, my brother and I with our friends would play football in the park for hours and none of us would see our parents all day. I used to ride the bus to school and go scrumping for apples and pears. There were times when I fell over or fell off things, I can't remember how many cuts and bruises I have had growing but it was farking hundreds and yes some of them bloody hurt. It has been known for one of my parents to give me a clump for ripping an article of clothing because of my escapades, but here I am, many years later, older, fatter, balder and none the cleverer, but still alive and healthy. I am only telling you this because I have just read in the paper about a father who has just received £7000, because his 14 year old son got a black eye from a tennis ball in a school playground. 7 grand??? WTF is the world coming to. I would have told my son to stop crying and learn to duck.